Thank you

I came to a realisation that the loss of you may be the main reason for my sudden enlighten  to see the true colors of my previous marriage. The loss of you gave me clarity. It also shifted my perspective, opening my eyes to parts of my own life I am ignoring or tolerating.

The loss allows me to feel empathy. Allows me to feel self love and self compassion. Allows to listen to myself and my own feelings. Allows to me take a step back and stop rushing into forcing myself to reach goals. Allows me to reconsider my choice and to rethink if it is what I wanted. 

The loss of you opened my eyes to my own boundaries, needs, and the reality of my marriage. Although that awareness is painful, but it’s also a gift.

And so Im grateful and thank you. I hope you are at peace now with your mind and heart. I also hope we will meet once again as a family.

Chinese new year is coming. It is supposed to be a happy occasion but it becomes a less happy occasion now because of you. Every cny you will always be there. But Im glad that I can always picture you smiling and happy. Always winning during gambling and treating mcdonalds with your winnings. Im glad that whenever I picture you, it always happy, cheerful and positive. 

I hope you are happy, cheerful, smiley like how I picture you and I hope death have removed all your pains and worries. 

Grief

I think it has been almost 4 years since you passed. But the guilt doesnt seems to lesser as days pass by. 

I should have known better and I should have trust my instinct. These have been repeating in my mind every day since then. 

Ppl have been saying that you wouldnt have change anything. But I dont know that. Maybe it will if I have trusted my instinct. 

Because of this, my anxiety level is always high. I am always on high alert until I cant sleep at night. I am always on high alert and awareness to make sure that I do not miss any instinct points. 

I kept asking myself if I have a sign or if I miss a sign. 

I need to learn to chill. I need to learn to let go of the guilt and trust that you left with peace in your mind and heart. 

Whenever Im feeling anxious. Pause and notice my feelings: “I feel uneasy about this decision — why?”

Ask practical questions: “What facts do I have? What are my boundaries?”

Set a time limit: Decide after a short period of reflection, rather than endlessly ruminating.

I need to practice self trust and self compassion. 

I am safe in this moment. I dont have to have all the answers in the world. 

Bring awareness to a decision. Ask myself 

How do I feel about this choice in my body?

If there are tightness, tension, unease etc, that is your instincts. 

Ask myself how I feel. If i feel calm etc. No right/wrong. No self blame. 

Do not try to decide yet. Just observe.

Remind yourself: instincts are signals, not guarantees

Then ask myself. “What information/facts do I have?”

“What do I need to feel safe making this choice?”

“I am learning to notice my instincts without blaming myself.

I can handle what comes. I trust myself more each day.”

“I notice my instincts. I don’t have to be perfect. I can handle what comes.”

Self trust

 1. It’s normal to feel unsure after being hurt

When someone turns out differently than you expected — kind at first, then hurtful or unreliable later — your brain remembers that mismatch. It starts doubting your instincts.

But that doesn’t mean your judgment is bad. It means you trusted with the information you had, and the other person showed you only part of themselves at first.

People can hide, change, or act differently under pressure. That’s not your failure — it’s part of being human in relationships.

2. You can’t eliminate uncertainty — only manage it

There’s no way to guarantee you’ll never misjudge someone again. But you can create safety through how you approach trust:

Take your time before fully trusting.

Watch for consistency — not charm, words, or promises, but patterns of behavior over time.

Let trust grow in layers, rather than giving it all at once.

This way, if someone does disappoint you, it won’t destroy your sense of safety.

3. Check your fear without silencing it

Your fear is trying to protect you, but if it gets too loud, it can block connection. Instead of fighting it, talk to it:

“I know you’re trying to keep me safe. Let’s stay alert, but also open — we’ll watch and learn.”

That’s called wise trust — not naïve trust, not total avoidance, but a grounded middle.

4. Rebuild your confidence in reading people

This takes practice. Try small experiments:

Notice first impressions — and then keep observing. Were you right about that person’s energy or values?

Write down your gut feelings and check them later.

When you’re wrong, ask: What signs did I miss? When you’re right, acknowledge it.

This helps you calibrate your instincts instead of dismissing them completely.

5. Be gentle with yourself

Everyone misjudges people sometimes — even the most emotionally intelligent ones.

The goal isn’t to be perfect; it’s to be self-aware, open, and resilient when it happens.

You can say to yourself:

“I may misjudge someone again, but I can trust myself to notice, learn, and protect my boundaries next time.”

That’s real self-trust.

Travel trip philippines

Seems like ages since I last went on a beach holiday trip to relax. Due to RR going cebu for a business trip. I joined him. 

He covered my flight, hotel and some of the meals expenses. Went there for 12 days. Had super great time. We went jetski, parasailing, sea trekking, snorkelling with turtles, sardines, rays and sharks. Cant rmb when was the last time I have been so super charge by a beach trip.

We both agreed this trip is much more happening and exciting than our trip to bangkok. He said he will nv go explore all these activities if he is alone. Being with me give him an opportunity to do all of these. 

We came back today. I ask if he miss going home. He said yes. Cause there is a lot of work back in sg waiting for him and he miss his bed. Cant blame as the bed in cebu is really not up to standard. Not to mention the non sound proof walls. So damn noisy.

I said when we retire not working. We can travel 2 weeks overseas 2 weeks back at sg. He say he prefer to hop around the world. 1 month here and 1 month there. I said u dont miss home meh? He said what home? I say home back to sg. He said my home is with you. ❤️ If not cause of responsibility for work, he dont have to be back. 

I have been reflecting why is the trip so enjoyable?

1. We both have respect for each other private times and habits. He gyms i dont. He eat bf and I dont. We arrange hotel with gym and plan around the habits. We dont overstep, pressure to join or rush each other. We are both doing thing together and also alone at our own pace. This is also why my holiday is enjoyable with my best friends. Together but still Free. Except of those dangerous activities. 

2. We communicate and plan things together. We take each other opinions into consideration. He is not a person that can stay out in the sun for too long. So we arrange alternate day indoor and outdoor.

3. We look out for each other and remind each other on things to take note like rmb to bring camera, power bank etc. 

4. We help each other. Making use of our strengths while the other compensate for the weakness. Though most of the time he provides and directs. Since Im the more clumsy and forgetful one. He carried the luggages, planned, booked the transports, packs and unpacks the bags needed daily. I helped with the smaller task based on my strength and within my means. 😆 

5. Not everybody is perfect. Things dont always go our way and we make mistakes. But we dont harp on each other mistakes and we dont cry other spilled milk. We apologize when we need. Treat all as learning points. We let each other win during differing opinions. When things are off we just enjoy each other's company while waiting. 

The main purpose is we just enjoy our time being together and doing things together. Even if it is doing nothing. No fights, no quarrel, no arguments. Cant wait for my next beach trip.