Cant sleep again. Now is like 4am. Happy that helper is back. All the past 2 months of tolerating comes to an end finally. Thinking about how to settle my future overnight stay with my girl. Though current arrangement is fine until i get my own house. But i feel sad not being able to have the overnight stay access time with my daughter. Feeling my heart ache when she say she want to stay with me and I told her cant because daddy dont allow.
I can also feel her changes these 2 months when helper away. Her emotions becomes unstable. More shouting and hitting. Teacher also say her emotions not stable which i feel cause by the environment when her grandma is around. Teacher say she overheard grandma shouted at her to shut up when she want to negotiate for more playtime. Sometimes i feel sad hearing all of that. I cant imagine what kind of environment she has. I also face it myself when i pick her up one of the sun.
Daddy is not around. Ashley is playing her princess lego when i pick her. Grandma saw i here keep rushing her to leave. Telling her to go go go. Say she want to go market. Ashley tried nego but her grandma just shut her down. Then continue take her trolley etc to leave. When Ashley refuse to budge, she throw her temper at her. Roughly handling the trolley before going back to sit on the sofa showing all her discontent. Super impatient.
Ashley also become sad and angry. Went to hit her. I told Ashley off she came over crying and i hug her. Explain to her why we need to leave. ask her how long she needed and say to give her 5 more min. Honestly even as an adult is in that kind of environment will have a good attitude not to mention a 6 yo. But what can I do? Though heartache but can just tolerate and explain to my girl patiently. Wait till helper is back.
Another incident was when I let my daughter wear a new pair of earring which i bought for her birthday. My ex say is not allowed in school. He say i stay so near i can just drop by to pass the earring. I say i cant. I told him to just let her wear at night and in the morning remove it. I will change back in next sun. He refuse and insist i find time to return that original earring. Implying and threatening that he will leave her earholes without earrings allowing her earholes to close.
I got to rearrange my time to go over to exchange for the original only to found out that she was wearing earsticks. I dont understand why he need to insist i go over when he already has a solution. When things like this happen i really feel so frustrated and annoyed. I knew he will do that if he knew i stay nearby which is why i didnt want to disclose my privacy. Insisting i return things that was forgotten or wanted by him which was not as all important.
Also with the environment with his mum, i wanted more time to be spending with her to calm my daughter's feelings show her love and care so she dont feel disrespected or unloved or uncared but I didnt want to share my address with him. Neither do i want to communicate or renego. Is too tiring. I can only guide her how to understand feelings or ppl show them differently. How to properly patiently explain what u feel and communicate.
Also currently I have to travel overseas in order to get my overnight access and to spend more time with her without the need to provide my address and without need argument etc. But next year Ashley is going to pri school. I can only travel either jun or dec and i still cannot have my house.
Also I need to save money for house. Cant travel too often anymore. But if I dont travel i cant get overnight access. When I get my house and start requesting i hope he forgot about asking for address or have already given up that thought.
Really didnt want to have to speak with him. So unreasonable always finding trouble. Ask him pack clothes also need question where i go? Else he dont want pack. Inform him what to prep in advance still ask me remind him again. I not his pa leh. Tell him to put his own reminder then threaten me again say if i dont remind he forget then i just wait for him to change lo. Or just let Ashley attend like that lo. Ridiculous honestly. I dont understand what is his prob. Why does he always have to threaten with Ashley wellbeing and trying to guilt trip me for his responsibility.
If helper is around all is ok. No problem no issue. But if helper not around a lot of issues. Nv shower her also a prob. Get mosquitoes bites also a prob. Ask him pack clothes also need to argue. Only when i say i record every pick up and drop off then he quiet down. Else Every thing also want to control. That why I hate needing to communicate with him. Whenever my relative ask me to change access date etc to accommodate for entire family i really quite relunctant because he always will find ways etc to threaten and control. Be it the recent case of insisting i return Ashley at 9pm when order show 10pm.
Usually i return Ashley early between 8-9pm because she has school next day. I also know she usually sleep around 9plus. With me if outdoor whole day she can felt asleep at 7 plus in the car. I didnt want her have late nights. That day was later than usual as she was having fun with her cousins playing till quite late. I also tried cutting it short and ensure she back by 10pm. Out of courtesy told my ex she will be back later than usual to have him insisting i sent back by 9pm. I just feel like ignoring him. Arguing with him just make my mental unrest and annoyed. Also he not always home during pick up or drop off. He will be out quite often. So i pray that he is away everytime. Then no conflict dont need see his face or hear his stupid comments like oh why so early etc. Early want say, late also want say. As long as he is home he got a lot of comments.
Because of all his interference i even have the thought of giving up my child entirely. Recently it has been better. Only when helper not around conflict will start. But at least conflict not full blast type. Lucky for me i still tolerate and maintain. My friends always say when i give him my daughter. I given him the access to control everything. Yea. I felt that through all the threatening with my access time. Everytime i dont do things in his favor or as he wanted, he threaten me. From initally threaten me that i must report where i bringing my girl out for day time access else i cannot bring her. To when i have overnight access at his house to get out of his house. Till not giving overnight access until i give my address. Constant threaten.
Because of those incident, i often get sleepless night thinking about the argument what to do, should i go to court or not? Should i give up my access right? Need consider the cost incurred, need to consider take leave also to go court. how to present law cases. How to negotiate. Also trying to take care of Ashley's feelings. Didnt want to argue with him in front of her. Also didnt want to call police in front of her after the last case.
The judge mention something too. Is not nice for ur daughter to always have to see the police coming at such a young age. Can be traumatic. I do agree. But do i have a choice? If someone isnt being so difficult and always threatening with my access right i wouldn't have the need to.
1 more year till i get my house. Probably foresee another big case coming if i need to fight for my access right once again. Hopefully time has tone him down a little on his ego and controlling behaviour. But given the latest situation without helper, nth change in him so far. Only thing change is i stop arguing. As long as i have my access, nth else matters. He can criticise and scold all he wants.
Anyway deal with it in future. Very late liao 5am already. Got to sleep. Tomorrow still got to work.
