Finally

Finally managed to login to this blog. After so long. Lost my password and forgotten the email. Luckily manage to remember.

Updating my life now

Left glico last year June and now in a Pte ltd company but is supposedly non profit. Plutoinnov. Weird company but salary not bad. However I'm not happy here. So my plan is to resign, travel to Greece for a while. Come back and find job again. Benefits is not as competitive as the director originally said. Very petty company which I don't like. Plus they treat me like admin or secretary to do personal things. Very against my gong si fen ming de nature. The company structure is also very messy. Lots of small weird companies under same owner

I have a daughter now. 3 years old. Born in Dec same as me. Cute active independent and persistent just like me. She knows very well what she wants just like how I am. When she is 8 month old, she try to learn standing on her own. She practices every single day. We didn't rush her or anything but she just wanted to do it. She will keep trying to stand in the cot. Even when her legs fall, she refuse to let go of the cot. I was worried that she will hurt her hands but she nv give her. Seeing her like this is really seeing myself. Past me. Stubborn, persistent with the nv give up attitude. Proud to have a daughter like her. Her name is xin cheng. Name her this because I love stars and starry night. And she will be my star the moment she is born. When she is in my stomach she is also super active. Once there is not much movement and we got a scare rush to the hospital. Fake alarm. She is healthy and fine. But doctor say risk is high because my water is slowly dripping out and her head is not facing down. Ask us to pick a day c sec.

Pregnancy with her isn't very smooth. Got to restrict myself on food a lot that I wanted to eat due to gestational diabetes. Everyday I worry about giving birth to a child that have diabetes during birth. Like my nephew. Luckily she is healthy and well. I thank God for this. But also because of this pregnancy I'm traumatized. I don't think I will ever want another child. The after effect of this pregnancy seems irreversible at least at this moment. Sleepless night, overthinking, depress mood, constipation, lost of craving, irregular menses etc. I'm still trying to get back my nights. It become very common for me not to be able to sleep or waking up frequently during the night. Like a habit or maybe cause of my overthinking. It's like 2am now and I'm not asleep. In the past I won't be able to function next day. But now. I still function because forced to do it last time during feeding. Is bad for health really and I'm trying to get back. 

Breastfeeding was my biggest nightmare. The pain, sleepless night, stress and pressure from a mother instinct is killing me. After having a child, it really hit me how a guy's support is super important at this moment. Sadly I didn't get enough support from my husband. The only thing he knows how to say is don't think so much with his mouth but nth is done. The unfair, depression that hit was bearable luckily. I think every woman face this depression before. Heard it from my friends who has kids also. The emotion and hormones changes causes it. Now I can understand why my aunt went into depression after birth of her 3rd child. If you aren't strong enough to overcome that emotion and you don't have support that you need, it really can cause you to go into depression.

Went to turkey last year. Met a guy quite handsome, nice body as well but younger than me. He like me and was really nice during the trip. Said he wanted to bring me see sunset the next day. Sadly we are leaving the boat the next day morning. Though I'm still in contact with him but I only treat him as a friend. Text and video call sometimes. He wanted me to visit him again. Talk about working in turkey etc or he come work in sg. if he work here the money bring back will be good for his retirement. Maybe when I go Greece if got time maybe will drop by to visit him. Well. See how it goes 

Sadly my marriage isn't well and we are divorcing. I raise the divorce. I just thought it through. Too much disappointment and too little sweetness. Too little communication as well. Raise the divorce before I went turkey. Thought of going for a few counselling to see if it helped to change my mind. apparently not. As I know myself too well. Once I decided to give up, it is done deal. During the trip, I also thought about it. I already relax myself and found myself enjoying my alone time. This in turn make me crave to divorce even more. I feel that I really lost myself too much in this marriage and parenthood. Though I will still be there forever for my daughter because she is my responsibility. I told him maybe I'm just not suitable for marriage. 

After raising the divorce, I was using a dating app which dor recommended. She say to start early cause it can take a year to meet someone. Using it I met this guy. Older than me by 7 years old. I don't know why I like him. Dor say is because he give me the attention that I crave for too much. Maybe I just wanted the same attention how he used to give me. This guy also said something that he used to say to me. Now think of it, the things that talk are quite similar. Same insecurity, same way of asking me to trust him more, telling me he didn't want to spoil me too much. Maybe the guy just reminded me too much of how sweet he used to be to me. I miss him. I really do. Fallen deep in and miss him too much. Dor will say I stupid. Someone say I 恋爱脑. 😂 Maybe I just miss the days when I can love as I like and hate as I like. But this guy is different, he doesn't provide the same security that he used to provide to keep me calm and secured. he has the vibes of a flirt guy that my ex used to give. He is like a version of my exes all end together. 😂 End up we didn't stay together because he is always missing and his reasons are too hard for me to believe. Not as naive as he thought I'll be. One thing I may be attracted that dor enlighten is probably the financial stability that he maybe able to provide. He don't have to work and owns 3 pubs. Another reason which I think I'm attracted is the way he can be open with his emotions which unlike someone who likes to keep it to himself. It makes me tired because I nv know what he is thinking is I can't see through. He flips his interest like a prata. The inconsistent make me annoyed. If a person doesn't know what he wants himself, how is anyone else supposed to know?

Anyway I feel I spoil him too much and watching him deteriorate makes me heartache. He can actually do or grow but with me it just makes him demoralize. We are really not suited for each other. I know very long ago we are not suitable. There are too much bad signs all along our relationship but I choose to ignore and take this path. I have no one else to blame. The day I broke up with him due to his father's incident was the day I shouldn't had agree to patch. That day I know he isn't sincere but I just didn't want to give up the relationship since we were together for a while. 舍不得 and because of this choice, I got to pay for it. Anyway I have woken up being deceiving myself. Is time to change a path.

I have started to let go of the relationship and recovering myself. Been in a depressed mood for too long plus the older guy make it longer. But recently I feel better. Or starting to feel better. Realigning my goals. I happy I met the older guy though not suitable to be together. Because of him, I met a lady who woke me up from confusion and bring me out of lost. She make me clear why I wanted my divorce and connects me back to my original me. Make me realize who I have neglected. And I hope she finds her way too and same for the older guy and his friend.

Now I just look forward to relaxing and relieving trip mid this year. Recently after raising the divorce I have been packing my schedule full. Too full without a chance to breath. After I come back from jb I'm going to try to loosen that up. Given myself a breather. Also previously I have been closing my Pandora box for a while. Though it isn't too negative but it has open slowly and slowly. The sadness slowly flows away entirely. I no longer feel depressed, pity or angry. And I don't suppress these feelings anymore. Let it flows and melt away. Also with the divorce I was very guilty because I decide to give up care and control of my daughter. A lot of ppl advice me not to give her up but I know. Even if I give care and control up I will still be there for her. And I believe she will learn to understand and she is strong enough to overcome this because she has my genes. I also know he will take good care of her. I know I can take food care of her as well but at the expense of my freedom. If I wanted both, this is the best way to balance. And she needs him to be around and im willing to give in. 

There are some guys that I meet also recently. Also friends and nth more. I know what I want and they are also not suitable. Anyway is not a must to be in a relationship. And I'm not in a rush. The right one will come along and walk jointly with me. Until then I can walk my own path. 

Oh and Im keeping diary. Finally have a physical book diary I can keep. Previously I keep here. Now I can keep physical too for emotional things. 😂