Annoyance

Last night woke up feeling super annoyed and couldnt sleep. Not sure why but was super pissed off that I couldnt sleep and this lack of sleep is causing dizziness during the day. Tried my best to sleep but still couldnt and this got me annoyed for the past few days. 

Originally I thought it was the temperature. My body just warmed up super easily even though the room is cooling. Only my back was warm the rest was cold. Neither covering nor not covering blanket was comforting and causes more annoyance. I ate well with balance diet and just wanted to get my sleep back on track. 

After some time of flipping in annoyance, suddenly I became very peaceful. Super calm. Like something just wipes my annoyance away. It was comforting and I fell back asleep rather quickly. 

It has been hard to go to sleep on and off and I dont know why. This keeps annoying me for the past few years. I have no problems recently. Everything is on track but still feeling the difficulty to sleep. My body is constantly on a fight or flight mode. Every single time when I was about to drift to sleep, my body shock myself awake. This survival mode is annoying and I dont even know why Im in this mode. 

Since after having a kid this mode became part of my life. I can understand how and why it happen as I use to worry for my daughter even when Im asleep. But now Im not even with her. I dont understand why it is still happening. And it just happens every now and then. I just wanted to get back to normal. Can this stupid survival mode be off? Also I dont want to be relying on medication to make myself sleep. Even with medication it only last like 2 hours and I will be awake again. 

Anyway, hope tonight can be a peaceful night. 

News

Congrats to my 2 friends who have given birth. 

Welcome to motherhood and I hope you enjoy your motherhood. 

Condolences to my friend for her loss of her love one. Take care. 

Life is so full of contradiction. Life and death happening both at the same time on daily basis. 

Few more days to my cousin 3 years death anniversary. Hope you are happy in another world with no pain, no worry, no fighting to do and at peace. I miss you so much and I still find it a bit hard to accept you have left this world. 

If only I understand the signs earlier maybe you will still with us now celebrating our ah ma's birthday and your own birthday. 

Rest in peace knowing that we are all still healthy and well. Ah ma is still healthy and capable of taking care of herself. She is still travelling and enjoying her life to the fullest. Your mum, siblings, nieces and nephews are also happy and healthy. 

Hope you have reunite with ah gong, ur gong gong and father. Please scold ah gong for me and ask him to give us blessing and protection. That much he owe it to us. Be happy up there all of you till we meet again. 

Ps: Please dont take anyone anymore until they reach 100 yo. You all have enough company. You maybe facepalming but please give clearer signs cause Im too dumb. 🙏  Thank you.

时间到

给自己发泄情绪的时间到了。虽然花了多一天的时间但也想通了。为了自我而放弃感情的人就是不在乎感情所以没必要留恋。反正不担心我们会不会走散更不担心我的感受。都是成年人，会说分手的时候就表示已经决定好了。你没有了跟我一起决心走下去的坚持，恒心和耐心。更没有对待我们感情之间的尊重和态度。

能为了小事说分手代表了你的选择。而我也就尊重你的决定。对待感情轻浮又随便。在你世界里我显然不重要那在我世界里你不该有个位子。你可以过你想要的生活我也会继续走我该走的路。时间不等人。愿意陪我的人我珍惜，决定离开的人我不会挽留。机会我给过了遗憾我也没有

Keep things quiet

 It is not in my nature to keep things quiet. But I also dont want to the bad person to break the news and cause distrust in a happy relationship. Be it a good or bad relationship. If the person is happy without knowing the truth why not let her be happy even when it is false truth. As long as the truth is nv found.

Maybe the girl already know but pretend not to. Maybe the guy is really just looking for what he wants and will stop lying after he got what he wants. Lying in a relationship is wrong. But who am I to judge a person's action? Breaking someone's happiness seems to be wrong to me too. And will you feel happy living is false happiness created by someone?

If this is me in the past, I would have done it. Inform the girl. Protect the girl. But now, Im having second thoughts about it. It's so against my principles and so frustrating. Why let me know about it of all people? Maybe someone else has already told her. Im probably not the only one that knows about it.

Hai. Let it sink and let me think about it. Dont do what u dont want others to do to u. And do what u think u should is right are always my morals. 

Give communication

Why do people likes to give up communication? Is so frustrating and contradicting. Want to have something at the same time afraid when you have it. Start pushing special things that appear in your life then start complain why you dont have it. 

Saying you have trust on relationship is easy. But do you really have that trust? If you are afraid to even speak up about anything to your partner then where is the trust and where is the faith that your partner will understand you in time? 

He/She may not understand your actions now at this moment but keep being open minded to explain yourself. Be consistent to the actions you do if you think you did right for him/her unless she/he say is hurtful. The more you explain, the more he/he can understands you, the stronger the relationship. 

Keeping quiet, not being transparent is very bad for a relationship. Then people start complaining how they cant find a connection. How they cant talk to their partner. How their partner dont care for them. How their partner dont understand them. You dont take that risk to find a connection. Speaking up feeling can cause many emotions. Anger, sadness, happiness, embarassment, fear of rejection, fear of being misunderstand etc. Accept all of those emotions. So what if the person misunderstand you. Time will let the person see the truth. All these emotions shouldnt be the one stopping you from being transparent to your partner. The least you can do to be responsible for your relationships when being in the relationship is to explain your stand not in hope that the person understand you immediately or know you without you saying. But to hope in the long run the understanding for each other will deepens and become more perfect. 

默契是靠长久磨合和沟通出来的 不是天掉下来的

For certain reasons, you just not willing to risk putting your feelings out in the open. Discuss it together with your partner. Explain what hurts you, what doesnt hurts you. Respect and understand things do get hurt and just stop doing those things that hurt your love one. Hurting a person is not a valid reason why you choose to leave that person. When you dont understand a person well, hurting the person is inevitable. Is how people adjust themselves to accomodate each other. When the person tell you, you are hurting her, understand what is and just stop those actions or words. Not avoid, not run away. But owe up that yes you have hurt her. What you can do to stop that. 

Whatever trauma u have from the past remains in the past. Start again. Start afresh with open mind that your future person you meet will not be the same as previous. Give a chance and give faith for yourself. Have some confidence and less self doubt. 

Another thing is to listen, willingness to understand and accept. Listen when your partner is telling you his/her feeling. Understand where those feelings are coming from. Accept those emotions that comes with it with a pinch of salt. Always remember those feelings are from the past not present. She/he is just remembering past when she/he is explaining to you. Why she/he is feeling this. Because of the actions you did or words you say reminds them of the past. Then remembering those actions and words when she/he explained, adjust them and stop doing them. Dont direct those emotions to yourself and then put the blame to them for telling you their feelings.

And that is how you get the happiness and the strong connection you want to have. Work for it if it is what you want to have and you will then deserve to have what you have in your life.