Exhausting day

Last night didnt sleep enough. Woke up on a bad note. Wanted to clear the rubbish got annoyed at the bin. The litter was overflowing then plastic bag too small. 

Complaining about all of it to rong rong. 😭有人宠就是不一样. Immediately he listen. Even when i nag at him nv throw rubbish properly he also just ok ok. Evening he meet me. He planned early to wait there.

Once i reach started saying ok. Later i go ur place help u clear rubbish. Then say next time i include it in my to do list. Every week chore is to clear the rubbish. 🥰🥰🥰

Straight after he say ok I can start complaining to him liao. He will listen and not give comments. So i started complaining and he started scolding together with me. Within 5 min i no more anger liao. 

Feel so fortunate to have someone who can listen to my nonsense and complaints no matter when. Giving in to me despite my temper. Even if im being unreasonable will just patiently absorb. Treating my emotions with care. Love u. 💋

All my prior sadness with my daughter and all 烟消云散. Like they say when you are with the right partner, everything will just feel right and work smoothly. When you are with the wrong partner is like the whole universe is doing thing opp with you. Honestly, I felt that difference. Whether is it mindset or mood etc because character just clash and affect the entire mood and energy, proactiveness etc I dont know. But  there is definitely a difference. 

So in conclusion stay away from inconfident and uncapable people who makes you feel negative and energy low. They will do whatever. Criticism, jealousy etc to pulls you down to their level and block ur shine. Be with people who will give you confidence, let you shine brightly and be proud of you when you did.

You will feel the aura and energy when you are with the right group. Positive mindset, encouraging environment, collaborative work, energy boosting etc. Find that aura and people that matches at the same level.

Bad relationship itself was draining to nervous system, confidence, and emotional energy. When environment is tense, walking on eggshells, or not truly supported, everything else in life tends to wobble too.

In good relationship there is regulation and safety. More emotional energy as felt emotionally safe, seen, and accepted, your body relaxes. clearer decisions will be made. There is more patience, opportunities feel easier to grab, and even setbacks don’t knock you over the same way. Life feels smooth because there is no fighting internally all the time. No survival mode

Overwhelming day

I fell asleep and I woke up. I feel overwhelmed mentally. I felt angry. I recall what happened back then once again with my bf mum. The incident just made me super angry. Recently i kept recalling that incident and my brain just keep repeating what had happened. I cant sleep and I cant rest. 

I cant understand what has triggered but I feel it could have been my daughter recent temper. I had a hard time coping with her. I thought to myself. She was hitting me and beating me. Pulling my pants down in public. Not her intention but she no longer has logic. Shouting and screaming at me. Total meltdown. My emotions were up too. I went into survival mode being angry and my brain just wanted it to stop. Thoughts of spanking her came into my mind because I wanted it to stop. 

But I didnt. I tried not to engage. Cooled myself down. I knew she wasnt doing things on purpose. I knew it wasnt her intention. I try to cool myself down and attended to her calmly. After that hitting and all, i hug her. While hugging her, i melt down too and I cried. I was overwhelmed. My mum was otw to meet us. I tried to keep my emotions in too before she arrived. When my mum came I complained to her. Told her how my daughter had a meltdown. Broke my bag, hit me till my hand and legs were hurt. Pulling my pants etc. My mum kept quiet. 

After she cooled we went for dinner. During dinner my daughter sit and started open the wet tissue. I told her off. I question why she did it and told her in future not to touch. I said because she has opened it, we have to pay for it. She was still very cranky. Clinging on to me. Refusing to eat. I was trying to recover from the incident. Talking to my mum as per normal etc. My daughter was complaining she not hungry and she wanted to go home. My mum was upset cause it was supposed to be a meeting with us. She entice my daughter saying she bought ice cream for her. My daughter became more demanding ask what flavor etc. When my mum said vanilla. She was complaining saying why she didnt buy strawberry etc. Super self entitled. 

I told her what she said was not very nice. My mum also started reprimanding her. Saying today was supposed to be a day with grandma. Grandma was excited to see you. Arrange the time rejected all other appointment to meet you. It only happened once a month. You came and you were upset and angry for no reason. Annoyed to see ah ma complain want to go home. Ah ma met you and heard that you hit my daughter. I started crying. And you made my daughter cry. Ah ma is also very upset and angry but ah ma know she cannot hit you. Because my daughter will be angry at me. My daughter listened and I can feel she is guilty or upset. Tears were in her eyes. My mum continued and say u dont cry. Ah ma just want to explain to u. 

I started translating in english to my daughter what my mum has said. My daughter started pointing to the wet tissue. I realize her behaviour and actions at dinner was because of the mistake has made. I told her is ok to make mistake, learn and dont do it again. I said I will pay for her. She said ok. After that she was happy again, she wanted to go ah ma house to eat ice cream. I said ok. I negotiated with her to have the shower at ah ma place also. 

Otw to ah ma place, i showed her what she had missed. I say u see the bouncy castle and swing etc, you could have played all that if you had not cry for so long. She was disappointed. She ask cant even play one? I said yes. She ask why? I said is late already. I have to send u back home too. She thought about it and said. Is ok i am happy today too. I had a great time. Eat dinner, spending time etc. I ask her if she wanted to come again next week. She thought about it and said yes. 

So when we were at ah ma house i showered her, she ate ice cream. I told ah ma to dry her hair etc. They had a short ah ma granddaughter time together. Ah ma give her eat oranges. She was happy. Told ah ma next week to buy strawberry ice cream. Ah ma agreed. Before leaving ah ma ask her again. So next week you confirm coming? She said yes. 

In the car back home, my daughter was lying on the lap thinking about things. She suddenly told me. Mummy I was worried. I said ok what were u worried about? She say she wanted to be an artist. But she was worried she cant. I said why not? I think she said she cant draw very well. I said it ok. You dont have to draw very well to be a artist. You just need to have stories for ur art. Make it presentable. And then she think about it and said let me tell u a story. And she start going on and on about her story. After that she start resting and closing her eyes. 

I think during her art class, her teacher must have mention something about her art. Her teacher has also told me how she cant color properly and she need to touch up next week etc. I didnt really take note because art is her passion to me. I didnt treat it as her career path. Anyway I was quite surprise she told me that in the car. Looks like she need some guidance setting her career path in future. Well, I am not in a rush to have her set it yet. She is only 6. But will keep it in mind. 

Anyway relate it back, I feel being a mum is hard, but controlling emotions is also not easy. Reflecting back, i didnt take the easy method dealing with his mum. I didnt use any physcial method even when his mum did. And I stayed all the way when it happened. And know where the anger comes from this time. Will talk to him about it. 

Stress co parenting

Last week i was so shocked when im out with my helper. I was told by her that my ex been monitoring where i bring my child to using her tablet. My ex can tell her the location that i bring my daughter to on the day im with her. Stating she bring her to her mum house today.

Now i know why he has been insisting and trying to influence my daughter to bring the tablet out when i say not needed. 

I didnt know he has that location tracking on her tablet and how long he has been monitoring where i brought her to. 

I didnt want to bring it along just these few months because my daughter has been complaining that her bag is too heavy. She is refusing to carry her own bag due to the weight. So I told her not to bring her tablet. Anyway she dont really use it often. Only at meal times when she is with me. She can use the spare phone that i have. 

I feel so disgusted and violated by his action when my helper told me. Knowing that he has been using my child to monitor movements. These bring up my anxiety the past week. I cant have a sound sleep at night. And recalling back the few times he insisted joining the helper to pick up my daughter. My helper say he just wanted to see who i bring my daughter out with. The feeling of being monitored by him makes me feel so unsafe. Why would he do that for? 

My helper says he did that because he is still in love with me, but this isn’t love. It feels controlling, obsessive, and wrong. I wish I could understand his motives, but all I know is that it is affecting me and making my anxiety level high. 

Today i told him my daughter drop her bus card. Told him to take note not to have her bus card hang on the outside of the bag. I said it before to the helper and repeating it to him. As expected he turn it back to me like usual, criticise that i fail my responsibility as her mum. I ask him how he got his card and he refuse to speak. This is so frustrating. Cant he just be collaborative? 

On top of that he start using his usual way to threaten me by not providing things for her when she is out with me. Bus card is a necessity. And he is refusing to provide. I decided not to argue and agreed. Then he started giving me a list of what i should be doing 

I feel so drained and irritated. I want to focus on caring for my daughter, but it feels like in order to do that i have to keep constantly fighting against him instead of being able to parent peacefully.

Recalling the day back when i got so mentally drained i told my friends that i am considering giving up my daughter custody. I felt extremely exhausted and overwhelmed, I asked them for opinion. I rmb my friends told me i decided this path and knew what it involve when i decide to let my ex have her. It really hurt hearing that. Feeling like I abandon my daughter. Honestly I didnt expect my ex to behave in this way. 

But then I reminded myself that my daughter needs stability, care, and a parent who will protect and guide her. And I needed to be that parent. I wish people understood how mentally draining this situation is. I wanted to escape the stress caused by my ex but I want my daughter to feel happy having both her parents in her life and to never feeling abandoned. And i want to make sure that she is not feeling that our marriage failed is because of her. 

Today my daughter had a meltdown. Once again. I notice her grandma is staying at her house and she is having a meltdown with me. My helper mention that my ex is on overseas business trip i think. 

Today her meltdown was full 1.5hours. And the reason was she wanted to play 5 more min on the playground. This is the second time she had this meltdown. Same as the first. I notice both happened when her grandma is around. 

Hearing her crying her heart out repeating she wanted 5 min more make me ache. Then she started repeating she want hugs and she want mummy even when i was hugging and comforting her. I do not know what has happen to her when she is at home. I tried asking her what happen when she finally calmed down but couldnt get to the underlying reason. I ask about school but she seems to be happy with school.  She said she made friends. 

She told me she was upset that she couldnt choose what to do on her day with me. Before her meltdown, she has complained to me that she is upset i plan the day for her and she dont get to decide. she wanted to play whole day. I told her i didn't know and unfortunately i have plan out these 2 sunday with her and i promise her that in future i will let her plan on her own. 

I kept noticing how her emotions are very unstable and unbalanced whenever her grandma is around. I heard her grandma trying to guilt trip her, throwing temper shouting at her and refusing to let her play. It seems like her grandma’s pressure and controlling actions are causing my daughter stress, which may be why she breaks down so easily when she is around. 

Instead of proceeding with the class. Today I comforted her, told her art school that she is not well today and to have make up class next week instead. Today i let her cry it out, went to my house to relax, watch some show and eat lunch. 

Then we proceed to go to my grandma house to have a playdate with her cousin. She seems happy and fine afterwards. I am noticing a pattern that my daughter becomes overwhelmed and has meltdown easily when she is under her grandma's pressure. I suspect the way her grandma tries to control her activities has my daughter feeling overstressed. Which seem to cause her to breakdown so easily when she is around.

It hurts to see her like this, but I really feel so helpless. I just try my best to support her, comfort her, and help her regain stability. Hope that her grandma doesnt visit often so she dont feel so overwhelmed and pressured. 

At times i wonder if i make the right choice to have my ex take care of her. I question if it is the right environment for her especially when in these kind of situation. But I remind myself that I am doing my best to support her, comfort her, and help her feel safe and loved whenever she is with me. I know that making any changes now especially if i decide to fight etc may cause pressure to her. Best to let her decide when she grow up and is more able to make her own decision. 

Boring

Work busy finish liao. Feel like got excess energy. Feeling so bored. No excitment anymore. 

Been 3 months since my last vacation and 3 months till my next vacation. 😫

Calculating my expenses and planning for my future house and retirement. How much I need to save for future. My only kpi left is to buy house and travel around and money is needed. 

Time in exchange for money, money in exchange for travel and happiness. Need money but also need freedom. How to balance? When i buy my house means less money. Need start from scratch to build my little gold piggy. 

Why is working such a dread after a while? Recently getting more relunctant to go to work. I wonder if it is time for a new job? 2 years plus into the job only. This job no more 新鲜感. Need higher income de. 

Happy new year

It is a new year. 2026 i am finally 35 yo this year and able to buy my own hdb. Counting down to my birthday.

Today went jb with my friends. Time flies and our topic now included kids and their wellbeing. Recently my friends been going for plastic surgery. My face has been kind to me. So nv had to worry that much on anything. Honestly i dont feel the need for them to do also. And I always feel it is best to have anything natural. Anything surgical has side effects. Nevertheless respect their decision as our mindset are different. I was nv the type to care about 外在美.

People changes including me. One of my friend ask me how am I with my bf. Well, I finally found a partner that i look up to and happy with. Checked all the boxes that i wanted. We cooperate well at home and compliment each other flaws. We had our doubts and trust issues with each other initially from past relationship. Had a few break up during the process. Eventually with sincerity, manage to clear all of them with communication. 

He was really nasty to began with. Arrogant and difficult to communication. U ask A he answer C. Totally irrelevant and annoying. Being together sort of wear off my patience and mental with each test. Somehow i still give him a chance. Then 2nd stage was when I feel super disrespected by his mum and with his temper issue. Always shutting down during conflict. After a few times i just decided to let go and move on. To me being in a relationship need 2 sided to move towards each other. No matter how much "material" u have, personality still matters. 

I can understand he was hurt before. People play hard to get to see sincerity. But playing hard to get too much can be a turn off. He just overplayed it and got me angry. I left. He was apologetic and I give him another chance. I would say final chance for both of us. Interim trial for a few weeks. Result turn out well. Lots of changes and actions. He has proved his ability to me by learning and compromising through his actions. Saw a worth to stay on and accepted him. 1 year past from that broke up. Everything is well. 

Till now he has been continuous learning and compromising. So do I. Reflecting constantly on my flaws, taking in suggestions to improve. Communicated a lot and adjusted how we work around each other. We directly voice out our disagreement, take turn to listen and understand each other point of view, make changes to collaborate not tolerate. Take turn to give in on small matters. 

Well, I learned one thing from prior relationships which is what is consider a healthy relationship. Away from controlling, guilt tripping, manipulative and being used behaviour. How to be communicative, collaborative, respectful and understanding and lastly very important. How to protect your own boundaries. 

Hope everyone can also find their healthy relationship. If u are with a flawed partner and you cant tolerate, leave. 长痛不如短痛. If you have not reach the mental state to leave my only advice is to just try to maintain ur mental sane. Lower ur expectation for your partner to zero, accept how he is, dont be too uptight and move to self focus. 

One important thing to note is that it is nv ur fault that ur partner has flaws. Everyone has flaws brought down by past experiences, family background etc and it is not ur responsibility that you must tolerate their flaws or change them. It is always their own responsibility to learn to be a better person. Your duty is only to let them recognize their flaw and is their duty to learn and correct it to improve relationship.

If he does correct it, then he is worth to be given a chance. Else it is ok for you if you decide to keep ur standard and find someone else worthy. Nobody is born to tolerate another's person flaws and refusal to change. You deserve better. Of course before you leave remember when you expect your partner to have standard, make sure you yourself have standard. Everybody has a choices. Choose with ur capacity and dont overexpect things.