Overwhelming day

I fell asleep and I woke up. I feel overwhelmed mentally. I felt angry. I recall what happened back then once again with my bf mum. The incident just made me super angry. Recently i kept recalling that incident and my brain just keep repeating what had happened. I cant sleep and I cant rest. 

I cant understand what has triggered but I feel it could have been my daughter recent temper. I had a hard time coping with her. I thought to myself. She was hitting me and beating me. Pulling my pants down in public. Not her intention but she no longer has logic. Shouting and screaming at me. Total meltdown. My emotions were up too. I went into survival mode being angry and my brain just wanted it to stop. Thoughts of spanking her came into my mind because I wanted it to stop. 

But I didnt. I tried not to engage. Cooled myself down. I knew she wasnt doing things on purpose. I knew it wasnt her intention. I try to cool myself down and attended to her calmly. After that hitting and all, i hug her. While hugging her, i melt down too and I cried. I was overwhelmed. My mum was otw to meet us. I tried to keep my emotions in too before she arrived. When my mum came I complained to her. Told her how my daughter had a meltdown. Broke my bag, hit me till my hand and legs were hurt. Pulling my pants etc. My mum kept quiet. 

After she cooled we went for dinner. During dinner my daughter sit and started open the wet tissue. I told her off. I question why she did it and told her in future not to touch. I said because she has opened it, we have to pay for it. She was still very cranky. Clinging on to me. Refusing to eat. I was trying to recover from the incident. Talking to my mum as per normal etc. My daughter was complaining she not hungry and she wanted to go home. My mum was upset cause it was supposed to be a meeting with us. She entice my daughter saying she bought ice cream for her. My daughter became more demanding ask what flavor etc. When my mum said vanilla. She was complaining saying why she didnt buy strawberry etc. Super self entitled. 

I told her what she said was not very nice. My mum also started reprimanding her. Saying today was supposed to be a day with grandma. Grandma was excited to see you. Arrange the time rejected all other appointment to meet you. It only happened once a month. You came and you were upset and angry for no reason. Annoyed to see ah ma complain want to go home. Ah ma met you and heard that you hit my daughter. I started crying. And you made my daughter cry. Ah ma is also very upset and angry but ah ma know she cannot hit you. Because my daughter will be angry at me. My daughter listened and I can feel she is guilty or upset. Tears were in her eyes. My mum continued and say u dont cry. Ah ma just want to explain to u. 

I started translating in english to my daughter what my mum has said. My daughter started pointing to the wet tissue. I realize her behaviour and actions at dinner was because of the mistake has made. I told her is ok to make mistake, learn and dont do it again. I said I will pay for her. She said ok. After that she was happy again, she wanted to go ah ma house to eat ice cream. I said ok. I negotiated with her to have the shower at ah ma place also. 

Otw to ah ma place, i showed her what she had missed. I say u see the bouncy castle and swing etc, you could have played all that if you had not cry for so long. She was disappointed. She ask cant even play one? I said yes. She ask why? I said is late already. I have to send u back home too. She thought about it and said. Is ok i am happy today too. I had a great time. Eat dinner, spending time etc. I ask her if she wanted to come again next week. She thought about it and said yes. 

So when we were at ah ma house i showered her, she ate ice cream. I told ah ma to dry her hair etc. They had a short ah ma granddaughter time together. Ah ma give her eat oranges. She was happy. Told ah ma next week to buy strawberry ice cream. Ah ma agreed. Before leaving ah ma ask her again. So next week you confirm coming? She said yes. 

In the car back home, my daughter was lying on the lap thinking about things. She suddenly told me. Mummy I was worried. I said ok what were u worried about? She say she wanted to be an artist. But she was worried she cant. I said why not? I think she said she cant draw very well. I said it ok. You dont have to draw very well to be a artist. You just need to have stories for ur art. Make it presentable. And then she think about it and said let me tell u a story. And she start going on and on about her story. After that she start resting and closing her eyes. 

I think during her art class, her teacher must have mention something about her art. Her teacher has also told me how she cant color properly and she need to touch up next week etc. I didnt really take note because art is her passion to me. I didnt treat it as her career path. Anyway I was quite surprise she told me that in the car. Looks like she need some guidance setting her career path in future. Well, I am not in a rush to have her set it yet. She is only 6. But will keep it in mind. 

Anyway relate it back, I feel being a mum is hard, but controlling emotions is also not easy. Reflecting back, i didnt take the easy method dealing with his mum. I didnt use any physcial method even when his mum did. And I stayed all the way when it happened. And know where the anger comes from this time. Will talk to him about it.