I went through 15 years of hurt, emotional exhaustion and disappointment in my previous relationship. We had a child together, and I kept holding on because I hoped that one day my ex would finally understand, finally commit, and finally give me the relationship I had been hoping for.
I kept trying. And trying. And trying.
I'm a very stubborn person. When I believe in something, I tend to put everything I have into it. I don't give up easily. But that stubbornness also caused me a tremendous amount of emotional turmoil because I kept pushing myself long after I was already hurting.
People sometimes ask me why I eventually made what seemed like a sudden decision to divorce. But it wasn't sudden to me. It was 15 years of trying, hoping, enduring and slowly becoming emotionally drained.
Eventually, my body and my mind simply reached a point where they were telling me I had to stop. I realize that I am sacrificing my own health for that. I had to let go because I couldn't keep doing that to myself anymore.
And I made a promise to myself after that: I would never again destroy myself trying to make someone commit to me.
That's why I'm different now. When I enter a relationship, I can give a lot. I can be loyal, committed, patient and willing to work through difficult things. But I also need to see that the person I'm with has that same willingness to step forward and commit.
I don't want to spend another 10 or 15 years trying to convince someone to choose me, trust me, or invest in our relationship. I have already lived through what that does to me.
I've learned the hard way what happens when I keep trying long after something has stopped being healthy for me.
I can give someone an opportunity to show me that they are willing to step forward. I can observe their actions and see whether my feelings change.
But I cannot go back to being the person who keeps trying endlessly while slowly breaking myself in the process.
And I made a promise to myself I wouldn't do that again.
