Shocking news

Today I heard a shocking news from my cousin. I acted out with hatred directly. Acted on my emotions. My cousin didn't tell my mum. I told her not to. I know my mum will react with this news. Because love can't be stopped. I'm afraid she will fell in again and hurt herself. She is soft hearted.

He is back again looking for us or looking for me. I don't hate him anymore. I let go of that hatred just few weeks or few months back. I really have T to thank for this. He said before try to put yourself in other ppl shoes to understand. He also said no matter what your parents did, they are still your parents. A family only need love. No explanation is needed. I know even parents need to learn. Like my mum. But I nv once have thought that he needs it to. I sort of understand what he meant. I kept wondering as well about what he say and what Dor said. 

T says he can feel that I needed love. Dor says I need to learn to self love. Hmm. Maybe both of them are right? But what Dor didn't know is I already learn self love from the start. I have always been selfish. With S, I saw how worthless I meant to him. Which is why I left. I wanted unconditional love. Which I no longer got it from S. I no longer have trust in him. I'm feel like a tool to him. 

I have been doubting my principles as well. Whether is it necessary to uphold them in a family? I feel lies are still a no in the family. But instead of being harsh got to understand why there is lies. With Ashley I learn to see things differently. I don't like compromising because is tiring and things explode eventually. There are still many things to learn. With Ashley I got to be more patient. I got to learn how to control my temper more.

I nv understand my father's actions and honestly I didn't want to. Maybe he has his reasons. But I didn't want to know because no matter what reason he has, he failed as a father and he failed as a husband. Guess I have my mum genes of being too soft hearted.

I said whether he is a millionaire now or a billionaire, I don't really want anything to do with him. But I don't know honestly if I can let go. Can I let go refusing to allow closure for myself? I will leave it to fate I guess. If he manage to find me. If he is sincere they are many ways which will guarantee he will find me. I will choose to believe him then.

I'm still contemplating if I should tell my mum about it? I feel I can't take away her right to know. The decision is hers. If he change all is good. But what if he really have a desperate reason to find us and that reason is bad? Will I be giving him a chance to hurt my mum again? Logically, he don't have to find us when he is good. If he really want to repent, is easy to put me in his will. If he really is guilty he won't want to find us. He should most likely leave us alone. The only reason he needs to find us is only when he is in a bad state. 

值得

我只挽留我认为值得的人。如果我没有挽留你，那就是你不值得我付出真心。真心只留给真心付出的人。你不想付出，那说明这一段感情对你不重要。我也就没必要在挽留。要失去后才后悔的感情，再次得到也会变得没有意义。

留在你身边是我的选择，而让我离开是你的决定

不要说是我选择离开，而是你没让我留下的理由

在我离开时曾向你伸出手，但你选择视而不见

所以不要埋怨，因为这是你的选择

能开导所有人唯独开导不了自己，大道理都懂，却怎么也想不明白，能原谅所有人但不肯放过自己。

Learn something new today

https://nationallegalservice.co.uk/what-is-reactive-abuse/

让感情走上悬崖的不是缺乏沟通或意见不合，沟通不了还可以在尝试，沟通不到可以找时间，意见不合可以妥协磨合。但是明知道却不愿意去沟通和妥协，不努力维持感情才令感情走上绝路也是最令人心痛和痛苦。感情没法一人维持，一但把另一伴的耐心和忍让消磨完，就会失望离开。

不努力就代表这份感情不重要也不必珍惜。

友情也好，爱情也好，亲情也是

Guilt

做决定的是我，做错了也是我，不说的也是我，假装没事的也是我，假装坚强的也是我，心痛的也是我，愧疚的更加是我。请允许我在时不时刻的想你。

一辈子不忘的错误，也没法去弥补

愧疚的心，再多的对不起，也于事无补

我那时没资格，也不想负责，你可以不理解，但是不能怀疑，你是值得被疼爱的。希望你现在在一个疼爱你的家，开心的活着。有机会我希望能再遇见你，感应是你。不管你在哪，我绝不会忘记曾经有过你。你再难过无助时，希望你能感应到我的温暖。虽然不能拥有你，但我一直都在。

清醒着忧伤真的无比难受，还希望自己做个快乐的傻子

Confused

I just can't think of reasons why. I really don't understand and I don't get it. I don't know why I have to be so stubborn about it. But I just can't help it and I can't seem to let go and is annoying. There are times I feel is ok. Then there are times I feel not ok. Having too much time on hand is really not a good thing. It makes one person worry too much. Overthink too much things and turn negative.

I have a constant reminder beside me nagging me about other things. Yes I know the negativity and I'm ignoring it. I don't know if it is right or wrong. But no matter what, I want to push my limit and see what I can do. I don't want to be concern about things I can't control. I want to keep looking at the positive side. 

Recently negative thoughts and feelings has been returning. They don't seem to go away and is frustrating. Whenever I can't distract myself, they come and frustrate me. But at the least is better at night. At least I can have a good night sleep for last week and this week and this is a big goal for me. I want to maintain this way. Slowly removing all the negativity and people from my life. Though some people are really hard to move.

Don't talk about negative things already. I'm planning my Greece trip. Looks like it is extending longer and further. I will be going Rome, Venice, Milan, Paris. Since I'm there, must as well go further with less price. Not sure when will I ever be going such a far country in future. 

People are worrying about me. I am worried about myself too. But I know if I nv push myself to do it, I will not know what I gain. There are a lot of things to worry about in life. And those worries are things beyond your control. Since is something you can't stop when it comes, then stop worrying to be happy. 😁

This is my fear to push my financial security. Take financial with a pinch of salt. 钱一辈子都赚不完. I will survive no matter what and I see what I gain and enjoy during my trip. I really so desperate to leave now but Im holding myself down. Making sure I don't do things that I will regret. I know even if I leave I won't regret, but I don't like to explain and get nag at by my mum. I talked to her yesterday. She seems ok with me leaving. She say my job is too suspicious to stay. 

I know when I need support I should be able to get from my closed ones. I just don't like to be nagged and maybe ego. I don't like asking for help and needing to see reluctant or black faces. I like to be different. I like to do things differently. But I don't like to be question when I do things differently because some things I can't explain when I don't even know why myself. I just like going with my flow and my feel sometimes. Those feel doesn't have explanation. It's just how it is and I'm learning to take it as it is too. 

So, don't ask me why I'm different. Don't judge or criticize or tell me what to do and say that I will be outcast by society. I'm just different and I think everyone is different too. To me is ok to be different. There is no one same self. I know people just like to group, align together to feel safe to feel secure and that's ok too because is the natural thing to do. Even if nobody understand, is ok. I will slowly find. Find someone who does and I don't need permission or approval from anyone to do that. Because me is me.

如果一个人哭了，两个人都快乐

我宁愿换来三个人好过

终究是一个结果

没有什么或者

Tired. Today got time to rest early. But tomorrow got to wake up early. 😊 But is for a good cause. If u tell me in the past that I will wake up early for this, I will say you are crazy. But here I am waking up early for a good cause. 

Got to remind myself don't pack tight schedule. Need time for myself to rest. Need time to settle my own mental. I know sometimes when I start doing things, I overdo till I'm overtired. So got to keep reminding myself to relax. Even when I need things to distract, I also need to rest and absorb my negativity to be able to see the positivity. Negativity is not a bad thing until you keep avoiding.

So don't get too uptight on things. I deserved to rest at times. I deserved to not think about all the roles I need to be, the responsibility I need to take and only think about just me, myself and I.

Learning

Embrace weakness and improve. 

- impatient

- stubborn

- giving insulting remarks

Got to learn to be more indirect, patient and less stubborn. Avoiding using insulting remarks. Learning to speak with more blunt and encouraging ways. Prioritize and learning to give attention to certain people.

Ignore and avoid conflicts with people who are not worth time. 格局打开，不要跟没必要的人较量。要学会忍气吞声。忍也是一个美德。

Tolerance is the virtue that makes peace possible—Tolerance allows people the liberty and personal freedom of self-determination. Toleration promotes the free exchange of ideas, including criticism and debate of public policy in the interest of the people.

Respect the person as your disagree with their ideas—Criticism—disagreeing with an opinion, idea or behavior—is distinct from insult—an attack on the person’s very being. Care for their humanity as you take offense at their opinions. 

男人喝多了就会想起他最爱的人

女人喝多了就会想起伤她最深的人

所以你不喝酒是为了不想起谁？

Heartache

Of course I will heartache. Of course I will miss her. My heart is not made of stone. But I will tolerate and I do what I think best for her, based on my judgement and experience. 

Of course I know my options and of course I know the concerns. Of course I know what is the norm. But I'm not born from the norm. So.... A lot of people want to know the reason why? Does it matter to you why? Even if I tell you, you may not be in the position to understand and accept. 不在格局里，就不要问

Some people are very funny. They like to think they know it all. They like to give advices. They ask you for reason just to prove their right. But when the truth hit them with a different light, most of the time they couldn't accept. So why ask? People don't talk because you aren't ready to accept the truth. 

一个人的等待很寂寞吧？

那你还要等多久啊？

放手吧

就放手吧 别想她

这世界有很多爱你的人啊

放手吧 别想她

她是否值得你这样牵挂

就放手吧 别想她

爱过就好何必要苦苦挣扎

就放手吧 别想她

把所有一切就当做是一个笑话

缘分已尽，就不必再挣扎

狠心点决定放下放过自己吧

不要再纠纷以前谁的对错，已经不重要了

重要的是活在当下，时间宝贵

回不去是事实，没法从来也是事实

没有人少了谁活不下去

也没有人少了谁就不会再幸福快乐

只要对自己好点还是会幸福快乐

不要觉得遗憾，就算从头再来，结局也不会改变

我们没有早知道，所以能做到的还会是一样的

就是经历过才会学到，下次才会做得很好

其实爱情也好，工作也好

不要再纠结遗憾 未来还会有无限的机会

只有不断学习，把自己过好

机会来的时候，你才能够好好的把握住

所以为了以后不再做出遗憾的事，选择开心的过

才是目前你最需要做的，也最重要的

明白吗？

Sunday

I thought I will be very sleepy and will be able to sleep early today since I last night slept late and exhaust my energy playing with Ashley today.

Should have known better last night not to drink ice lemon tea while eating dinner with Eileen. Always forget lemon tea contains caffeine too. Didn't sleep last night till almost 3am woke up at 7.30am.

Brought Ashley to some event at woodlands stadium. Played her fav bouncy castle. After that still keep requested to go play. I just told her we go ride her new bicycle, next moment heavy rain. No choice. Brought her to t play indoor playground at khatib. She didn't want to sleep during her nap time. End up falling asleep while I drink to khatib. Slept for an hour. 

Couldnt sleep now still. Still thinking of T. About his long term relationship which is similar to mine. And suddenly thought about how I really did my best to hold on to mine. Remembering how I plead with him. To do something for me for the family immediately because I'm losing it here on my own. Sadly the plead fell on death ears. I suddenly rmb how desperate I am trying to hold on the our relationship that I couldn't let go off. 

I knew very well which part of our relationship broke down and was unrepairable. I knew which part broke down for me and which broke for him. And I don't wish for anyone to go through the same thing as me. And apparently most of the relationship I saw were quite similar and I seriously wish them all the best. People do change in a relationship for better or for worse. If they are optimistic and can see strengths better than flaws then it would be so much easier. 

Relationship is it fate or effort? I will say both. The initial maybe fate to let u guys meet and fate for either one or both to fall in love. Head over heel for the other. Willing to sacrifice or invest. U may say this is effort too. But in our era, everyone is selfish. Without the initial connection, it is almost zero. For one to sacrifice or invest for another. But it is also effort for one to break through to the other in one sided relationship and also effort to keep staying together. Else no matter how both love each other, it will still break. Among the relationship I know, I never see anyone which has both fallen in love and usually is one sided love. But effort that make both stay together, get married and have a kid. 

Some ppl thinks is 100% fate to be together and to be able to stay together. if both don't make the effort to make the relationship works, there is no way both can get together even after multiple meetup. Someone has to take the action. Some may debate that it is god who put that idea in your mind. Well I don't believe that. I believe is my own choice. My own choice that I want to approach. My own choice to get in contact. My own choice to stay in contact. My own choice to forgive or break during an argument

Therefore relationship is both fate and choice.

Kindness

I really have to control my temper and expectations with certain ppl. Lose my cool too easily. Got to learn to keep calm. 

I know I only have myself to blame. What am I expecting from a boy not man, a boy who is worse than animal? Even an animal knows how to repay kindness and he knows none. I already know that long time ago but still expecting conscience from an ungrateful brat. Who am I kidding really?

Keep cool Jena. Breathe breathe breathe. Relax and chill. Some ppl are really not worth it. You are a lot better and more generous than this. 不要跟幼稚的小人计较. 不值得.

Life purpose

I'm very happy that I found my purpose in life. I found what I want to do in life. Other than just earning money, getting married, having a kid and retire. 

There are people who keep trying to follow this path. But once they got money and contented then they are lost. They are also people who are never contented and forever wanted to earn more money. Keeping it as much as they can. What is the purpose of money if you don't use it to enjoy? You can't bring along when u die. You can leave it for your next generation but you can't control their future either. If they don't learn how to use it, then they will just still be wasting the money. Some people stressed cause they couldn't find a partner to marry. They lost motivation in life. They start wasting life as it pass because they don't see a purpose or goal to fulfil.

I don't deny money is important. But to me is not the most important. Money can't buy extra time of your life. Money don't extend your life. And also often said money can't buy health. Everyone born in this world has limited time. If I live till 100, I'm already at one third of my life. When I'm at half my life, would I still be able to go what I want? Go paragliding, go bungee jumping etc? One will never earn enough money. But time is different. U can't earn time. With the limited time, do I still want to continue waste it not doing things I like to do?  

I will regret if I die knowing my entire life is only about work and chasing money. There are so many beautiful things to see, so many places to explore and go to. So many lives out that to understand which I have not done. I can't change my past but I can plan my future. Even if I can change my past I also won't want to. Because is what shaped me now. I can work my future and decide what future I want and is not only about money and having a family. 

不要跟我女儿比较。你比不赢的。我女儿是我用很大的牺牲生出来的宝。牺牲换来的当然非常珍贵非常珍惜。你又不是我要用牺牲换来的哪能用来比较。

Want but cant

If you care you will want to know every reason behind the answer no. If the person say can't, why can't? She also want to but why she can't? What is holding her back? What is her concern? If you know and understand, you will not push. You will heartache, you will give space, give time, give security. You will not talk about it and constantly put salt on wound. You will not use it as a weapon on her.

If she don't talk, you will be patient. You will give time, you will give security so she can feel comfortable to talk to you. You don't judge when she talk, you don't criticize, you understand and you support. I know is hard to not talk. But you will empathize. You will see beyond the surface what is hurting her, you will calm her, you will comfort her, you will listen, you will accept and support.

If you love, you will care, you will heartache, your actions will show. Your actions maybe clumsy but it will be sweet. Your care will be sincere and not an act, not a task to fulfil. Your care will come from the bottom of your heart. Your care and heartache don't have to be taught. The person can feel. Nobody is stupid. They can feel, they just give you chance, they just act stupid or act blind. 

If you love her, you will not test her limit, you will not test her boundaries. You will respect her boundaries, you will not insist she give in, you will not ask her to prove her love by bending her boundaries. You will not let her feel disappointed or upset. You will not let her feel wronged. You will love her as she love you. 

Love is simple. Pure. Not based on test, not calculative, not repayment. Love is based on security, trust and love is love without reason without weighing pros and cons or investment benefits. 

爱是两方面的

一起提起勇氣

好好呵护彼此

不让谁受委屈

自己苦也愿意

绝不让人欺负

连自己都不行

心疼宠着对方

也保护着对方

Hopes

I know everyone has hopes and expectations and is ok. But I hate when people pin their hopes on me. Please place your own hopes and expectations on yourself and not on others. Don't depend on people for your own life. 

Another thing I hate is rushing into the future. You nv know what is there now and you visualize non reality future. I don't like to disappoint people even if the risk is super low and I don't like paint a nice picture for it to break in the future. It has nth to do with whether I planning to do that. But it has to do with expectations. I don't like people having expectations of me when I already said upfront. 

This is my weakness. I don't make promises which have chances to change. If I make a promise, I must ensure I can do it. I have strict principles and sometimes these principles can really weigh me down. It's annoying. I leave once people start to have expectations when I know I cant do it. If I have said a lot of times and the person still expect, I will leave. Because it means he can't accept. If he cant accept, then don't compromise. Somethings can't be compromise because is causes imbalance. 

As said in my previous post. And it will not be right for me to hold on if I know. Many make decisions and many will not take responsibility for their own decisions. When things go south, that is when guilt tripping will comes in. That is when they will find excuses to pin their decision on others and never because it is a choice that they chose. Is either fate, god or others. Is always easier to pin your decision on others than to take responsibility for it. Because if you do, you can only blame yourself for your mistake. Many don't see mistakes as a learning curve.

The older one is, the harder it is to say I make a mistake due to pride and ego. 人到老学到老 how many people can really understand this? Is not just about open minded to learning. But also open minded to making mistakes while learning. Open minded to accept mistakes made and to improve constantly. Even if you make the similar mistakes, it may looks the same, but there must be some underlying difference which cause you to believe again. 

There are a lot of contradiction in life. I don't deny I often contradict myself as well. Nobody's perfect. When I do, I set boundaries to both so they don't intercept. I don't like leaving things in grey area. If you do, no matter what you do at work, in life, in relationship, it causes confusion to other people. You get stuck and lost because you don't know which direction to go. There is always only one choice. You have to sure with what you want in order for others to see and help. 

你想要的 我却不能夠给妳我全部

我能给的 却又不是你想要拥有的

我们不适合也不想认输

好几次我们抱着彼此都是想要哭

你常解释这样的一切都只是开始

我觉得是所有的一切早就已结束

不想再约束 不要再痛苦

下一次会有更好的情路

I thought I will be devastated since that day. I thought I am hiding my feeling or trying to avoid my feelings. After so many months past, I realize I really no longer have any feelings left. Is not that I'm hiding or avoiding, there is no Pandora box to open. 

I have enough of complaining, I have enough for being upset for you. I have enough of crying for you. I have enough of you.

Since long time ago, my heart died little by little on the days I cried for you. Until I no longer have any expectations from you. The last chance and the last straw I given for u to pull my hand you gave it up yourself. Since then my heart totally died. People ask me if I will ever regret. I touch my heart and I said no. When there is no feeling why would there be regret? There is no regret in marrying, there is no regret in leaving. Surprisingly I felt a relief when I left. I'm happy leaving. 

The bottled feelings rush out and I'm more than happy to be free. Free from your manipulation. Free from guilt tripping. Free from gaslighting, free from compromising, free from giving in, free from trying, free from your lies, free from empty promises, free from your emotional games, free from expectation from you and most importantly free from being depressed and free from trying to uphold people's expectations of me. 

Though I will still reminisce the days we use to have when life is sweeter. The days which we can never get back any more. I don't think there will be any one who can match the same feelings I have with u. The same weigh of feeling given to u, I will never be able to give to someone else. The same effort same contribution, The 100% never again.

Childhood part 2

In my sec school, life is very happening. Not the best life of my life though. But the most enlighten and life changing moments of my life. Things changes during my sec school. During my pri there is this girl who will always bully me. She is an unpleasant girl who likes to bully the weak. I don't really know why she likes to bully people but I scare of her when I was young cause she would hit me. I wasn't strong during my pri school. Therefore people always pick on me. Because of my background because I'm weak and I don't know how to defend myself. 

In my sec school, I'm happy that I am able to avoid her. I heard she wasn't in the same school as me. But the good news don't last. One day I saw her in my school. I think she transferred herself over. Luckily for me, we are not in the same class. There is this guy in class who are always nice to me tell me he love me etc. Talk to me on the phone every night. Ask me to be his gf. When I reciprocate his love, he make use of that to make fun of me. Is ok. Because I make that decision and allow him to hurt me. So I can only blame myself for that. Somehow or rather, he regretted what he did and tried to amend. He became my god brother though also with motive.

Direct after I got myself into another relationship with another guy. Somehow I just hop from one guy to another. Whoever is nice to me I will be with him. My classmates see me as a flirt but I know my conscience is clear. Every relationship I am sincere. But I know most guys I'm with are not sincere. I set very high expectations of my bf during that time. Tiny mistakes and I will flare up. I don't control my temper or my anger at all. I will lash out at them. Most guys who tolerated but still couldn't get what they want will break. Others who stay, I will still broke up with them cause they couldn't meet my expectations. Some guys hated me because of they feel I played them. Some guys wanted to win me so that they can boast to their friends. Some guys broke with their current gf to chase me which I rejected.

One guy lasted longer than the rest. Tolerated my temper and anger. He was sweet and nice though with a motive. I was young and curious. So things happened. Later I found out he was a flirt. While with me, still trying to get laid by other girls. Lying to other girls and trying to manipulate them. I was furious and as I mentioned I hated flirts so I make an act with the other girl to lure him and make him pay. Make a scene to punish him. After that, He apologize tried to coax me and told me I misunderstood him. I believed him though with doubts. I stayed. Soon I found another girl. Broke up with him again. Tried to warn that girl but she refuse to listen. Did my best. He tried to make amend. Ask me out. The girl called while he was out with me. Girl ask him why is he still together with me? He lied in front of me saying that I chase him back. So that is what he has been using to poison the other girl who was too blind to see. Lying that I keep chasing after him and he doesn't love me while doing the same to me. Hahaha. Since then, I broke off any contact with him. He keep coming to my school putting his act on. Waiting at the gate etc which I avoided. Anyone can put an act to prove he love you. But only you know deep down if he is truthful. Then I got another bf and let my bf ward him off.

I been with some guys. But only fall in love with 2. 1 is really pure love been with him a short while. Sweet and nice. Though short, took me 2 years to get over.

Another 1 I know was a bad guy. But I just tried. Broke up with him because he couldn't give me the love I wanted and is the logical thing to do. Soon after him, I was with another guy. Didn't love him. But he was really nice and sincere. He likes to act nice too in front of others. Showing ppl how he is very good to his gf. Though I don't deny he really cares and is nice to me. His act still disgust me. I stay with him because he was the only guy who tolerated my temper and was nice to me. Dote on me. After a while, things changes slightly which I think is normal. There are some signs we aren't meant to be together. But I refuse to accept. Our relationship was happy initially. We compromise a lot, quarreled a lot. Nobody think we are suitable for each other. I ignored. The relationship was long and traumatic. A lot of things happened in between which I don't say here. We got married after 9 years and have a daughter. I know why he stayed with me and the truth always hurts.

It is going to be our 15 years soon in a week later. Sadly our relationship has come to an end. I no longer can stay because there is no love. I tried and I failed. Breaking isn't easy. Cried a lot before I finally decided. Didn't look back since I made the decision. Told myself I will never be in another marriage or have another kid. He will probably be the only one. 

During my upper sec, things didn't work out well. During my puberty, I changed from being gentle, soft to a tigress. I was very fierce that my friends at that time was shocked. Out of fun, we bullied another girl in class. She was a transfer student. I was a two headed snake. I wanted to make friends with her. But at the same time I can't control my temper and anger and lash out at her like a bully. She knows and she complained. We got into trouble. I know it was a mistake because I been in that situation before. I regretted my actions, apologize to her. I hope it didn't traumatized her. But I know my actions are unforgivable. I left the bully group after as I met my bff and I'm grateful to have her in my life. 

My karma came. Unfortunately I was in the same class as the bully in my pri school. But I was stronger. Didn't allow her to step all over me this time. She gang up the entire class against me. Ppl side her. I ignore. There were neutral group which includes my god brother. There were me and my bff. 2 against the rest. As long as they don't touch me, I don't react. There were hiccups. But we were also sort of peaceful. Then another girl join our group. Competitive, possessive and toxic. We were friends of 3. But usually one will be closer to another. Is hard to maintain a 3 person group. She will try to be close to my bff. Persuade her and talk bad about me to her. I don't study or nv really focus on my studies. She thinks I'm a bad influence to my bff. I know cause my bff will tell me. I see too much of these in life, I told my bff. I will let u decide. Sooner or later she will ask you to choose 1 of us either stay with her or me. You have a think yourself and see who you wants to be with. I don't deny that I maybe a bad influence cause I don't really study. Is up to her to see things. 

The question came soon enough and she chose me. The other girl don't have a choice but to put her ego down and stick with us. She has no other friends. I didn't confront her and just let her be. She will do things on purpose, revengeful but I just ignore. Got me into some trouble but I just accepted. I don't sincerely make friends with her but I let her stick cause she doesn't have friends and after sec school soon we part ways. I pitied her. Is hard to find a friend for her given her personality. But still wish her the best. Heard her life was quite bad currently. Bad based on our standard. But as long as she is happy with it. 

Because of her intervention, I also started focusing on studies and also is the last year of sec school. I became competitive as well, I chose a career goal for my mum and I think partly also because of her. She is good with poa and she always boast about it. I was good with poa too and I like it. Use it to compete with her. She make me see and choose my goal. So in a way I'm grateful. After I left sec school, I work towards my goal and it became my career. I'm a CPA and have an accounting career which I'm happy with. 

There is nth in life that I would change. Good or bad. Though I sometimes am annoyed with having a good memory. I wish that I could delete or erase the bad side effects from the traumatic ones. But those are also lessons to be learn as well. Who in life don't meet traumatic moments? Who in life aren't scarred or damaged? We just learn to be stronger each time and learn to stay focus, learn to differentiate good and bad, learn to protect ourselves. Despite all, I still prefer to have a kind nature. Still prefer to believe people are kind to start with. Empathize and understand behind a person actions because you will see a lot of things that you couldn't and learn from people's experiences as well.

Reflection of my love

My weakness is loving people that I think need me. I know very well what I lack at. To me, love is about usefulness. I may love you a lot but if I feel there is no need for you to love me. I withdraw automatically even when the party say he does love me. I will stop myself before it happens. I push him away.

In my love relationship, there are 3 people so far I love. All 3 of them didnt last long. Most of them I broke up because no reciprocate love. Only 1 feel has reciprocate love but because I'm afraid if I love too much I will fall in a pit that I can't get out of. So I never put in all. I hide my feelings. I will never understand and accept that love. And this concept is like T. When he talks about not putting all the eggs in one basket.

I told him I usually put in 100% or 0%. But in actual, I know myself. I'm never in my life put in 100% with people I love. And I usually forcefully stop myself if I know I feel too much for a person. I pick thorn in stack of bones for whose people I love. I always push them away. This is my weakness. 

Whereas for people I see that need me, I will not reject. I will stay beside and try because I know they can hold on. I don't care if their love and care is an act. Because when they acting in order to get me, I'm doing the same to stay and using them. Dor say she isn't 救命施主. Somehow she see that weakness in me. For me, I know I don't love these people. So I can give without return or give for that feel to be need. Which is why some people don't appreciate or cherish me. Is a weird thing and I don't know why. Maybe because of insecurity. However as long as I feel u don't love/need me, I will drop all and leave. 

Childhood part 1

I seldom or never really talk about childhood because it is the past.

Recently I seem to say about it more than usual. Most of it to explain the decision I made in hope of being understand.

I hate people telling me about maturity and age. Maturity and age does not go hand in hand. People can be force to mature super young due to their family background and circumstances. I have seen people who are still super childish like my mum. They don't grow with time and they don't seek to learn.

I won't say my childhood was terrible as there are many worse than me. However, I would not want my daughter to have that kind of childhood. I want her to have a happy childhood. One without financial worries or any other worries. I want her to find her goals in her own time. I want her to focus on being happy than force to sacrifice for others at a young age.

I live with my mum since young. My mum is a very superstitious and bias person. She is disappointed when she give birth to a girl than a boy. She constantly talk about it and blames me for not being a girl. Because I'm a daughter, she controls me in hope that I will not go her path which I understand but is very hard as I long to have freedom due to that.

Because she lacks of trust, love and care since young, she is often insecure. She needs a lot of assurance in security from me and it's hard for me to keep up. Because I prefer she be independent than depend on me or others. Due to lack of security, she loves money more than me and I can understand. Despite my understanding, I still refuse to let her depend on or say sweet words that assure her that I will take care of her. Maybe in a way to punish her. But I know I just afraid of responsibility. I don't want to be responsible for something and that I have to sacrifice for. I seen my mum sacrificing her entire life to bring me up. I have seen her trying to depends on others, tolerating others in order to accommodate her daughter. And I really despise her actions. If she is strong enough, independent enough, why can't she work on her own to support me instead of keep trying to rely on others.

Because of her actions, I know very well the only person you can depend on is yourself. Seeing her sacrificing makes me angry and I vow to give her a happy life without financial worries. I vow to not let anyone bully my mum. I vow to compensate her on things she lost. Also because of her, I hated liars and flirts. A flirt can ruin a person's entire life plus the next generation. Whenever I meet a flirt, instinctively I will want to revenge on that person by making him pay financially. Which others don't understand why I have this strong sense of justice for this. I learn to let go this over time. 

My father is an abusive person. He is disrespectful to girls. Plays with them like toys. He gets violent whenever he is angry. He is egoistic but like to depend on woman. My mum ask him back to depend on him. But during his time with my mum, he didn't work, depend fully on my mum and me. When it comes to my study, he said woman don't need study so much. No use. Whereby he himself as a man is such a failure depending on a woman. I heard stories from my mum that he invest his money paying other people's kids. So is not he cant. But he choose where to invest in and we are not one of them. I understand why. Because my mum was too needy and he make use of that point to manipulate my mum. My mum was stupid enough to think she has the power manipulate him. She still wanted to have another child with him. Luckily that child didn't survive. Else I really don't know what situation will all of us be in now. Because of that child, she guilt tripped me for my entire life till I grew up. I was angry for that. I will forgive but nv forget. For my father, I nv wonder why he is like this because I wasn't close to him and I hated him since young for making my mum this way. I knew why they need to part because they were just not suited for each other. As I grew up, nowadays I hate him less. Maybe he has his own background that makes him this way which I don't know. But I still hate him for being not strong enough to control his emotions and learn from mistakes. I know some guys never reject easy woman for I also won't reject easy guys during my sec. But that is story for another time. And there are some guys who likes to act saint and feels that if they reject girls, they will be too upset to survive. 

There are a lot of things I learn from my parents. A lot of things I see clearer since young. Life is never fair. I get judge a lot since young due to being the only child and single parent.

Only child person are usually spoilt. They don't know how to share. They don't know how to socialize etc. They are weird. 

Single parent family are being despise on. The parent are often judged being difficult person etc. Divorce are not a good thing in the past especially for woman. Nowadays is very common. 

Due to my background, my best friend in primary school collude with others to bully me just to gain popularity in the group and to be accepted. I don't blame her as she suffers the same way I did. Same single parent same single child. I have seen ppl who was once my friend became an enemy once they realize my background. I seen teacher who pity me when they realize my background. Instead of being pity I rather be bullied. What is wrong with being in a single parent family or in a single child family? Because of my school, I seen how rich kids makes friends. People just crowd around her. I have seen how she use money to make use of people do things for her and dispose them after that. 

I don't know why but I can see reality in life much easier and earlier while people are complaining about how they are born. I accepted my background immediately.

I had make use of people when I was in my student care during pri either. Something I'm not proud of. A boy that love me when I was young. Yes he is willing to do that out of love and I'm willing to make use of his love to boast. I have been through another tragic moment during my student care too. A event that traumatized me till now. One that make me untrustful to a guy and also slightly afraid of intimacy. I was molested by a boy same class as me. I didn't speak up. Tried to avoid as much as I can but he chase me all over the centre. There is no place to hide. Until I had to speak up. My form teacher switch seats for us in order to avoid. The school principal didn't do anything like expell him etc. She still say the boy is still young. They just playing and just disregard it. Because she was also bias, the boy was her fav student, instead of being fair, she victimized me. Saying I think too much etc. Make a fuss out of nothing. Since the boy stop after that, I did not pursue. But this incident left a scar on me. One that I can't shake off. I didn't realize until things happen in later stage. 

These are just some things in my pri school. Since is a girl's school. There are more things like girl girl relationship that I have seen etc. 

I never gets upset with my background. I never wonder why I was born in this family because all this makes up who I am, how I am and I learn from all these. I never complain why my parents give birth to me and can't give me the best because I know my mum did her best to provide. I am contented and grateful with what I have as there are a lot of people less fortunate. There is nth to compare about. U can choose to accept your background and start being better, work hard to improve your own life that you want. Or you can keep complaining and still be in the same level no matter how many years past because life is in the hands of yourself and only you can change your own future. 

看透

我今天看了一个影片，说明一个被背板的女人去找一个要自杀的囚犯，跟他经历曾经跟丈夫的过往。

我就在想到底我喜欢你呢还是想在你身上找到活在过去在你身上想经历一场曾经的过去？

T的温柔体贴以前他也做过对吧？T说的话让我想起他也曾经说过。我有时在想是我在你身上想找到曾经他的影子吗？而因为你不完全是他一旦做了不一样的事而觉得生气吗？你的话真的让我意外也好奇因为跟他说的一模一样。我不想太宠你因为以后不宠了你会失望会觉得我不爱你。而你在别人面前坚定的选择护着我也是他曾经做过的事。而你也在我身上再找她的影子对吧？我们好像都在对方身上找着前任的影子。是因为你太像他了吗？

我也没法知道为什么要呆在yc身边。是因为他有着一样的身材？抱着一样的舒适感吗？还是他有着曾经向上的心态？昨天他的话让我非常的熟悉。曾经有人也说过一定不会宠溺孩子。我做过的事也是曾经在他身上也做过的。而我一直不开心的事也是因为他跟他不一样的地方。是我在把他改变成我要的模样吗？

所以说我到底喜欢他们吗？而放不下的是T还是他比较像的影子呢？

其实我心里一直知道放弃的主要原因。是因为我们的关系已经没法回到如初的时候。我不想面对这个改变。是我让你失望没能在相信我而你也一样做出我没法相信你的事。没有信任都感情没法延续。我也看清我们回不去了。

Today yc got assignment. Didn't come to have dinner with me as promised. Quite disappointed with him. Previously we still saying want to eat tanyu etc. At that time he didn't say he can't make it. Then today last min told me can't reach before 9. 

So annoyed. Now I craving for tanyu but can't eat. luckily rmb a stall at somerset 313 foodcourt have a individual one similar to tanyu. Went to eat suan Cai Yu set. Then got to eat my fav injeolmi bingsu. Don't know why order bingsu (cold) then still order a hot matcha latte (hot).

So cold weather still eat cold bingsu. Hai. Craving still have to curb. 😂

Enjoying some alone time on my own. 

放不下

为什么我很想放下，却越想念你T，越心痛。越跟别人一起，我就越能看见你对我付出的地方。越明白我到底做错了哪里。越明白你为什么会对我失望。但我也越知道分开也是因为你没坚持的理由。如果你真的相信我，你也不会放开。而我也明白，第一次你没坚持的理由没是因为我没有给足你需要的。第二次的复合原本就是个错。因为你已经对我没信心而我还在坚持。你不想拒绝但又害怕付出。让我在忽冷忽热中度过。

可能时间真的不对，跟你在一起我开心过，遗憾的是又失去了。是我没有认真对待。如果现在有机会再重来，我一定会认真对待，也希望你可以再从新相信我认真对待我。可能还是不会有结果，但至少真的认真过也不后悔。

可能我们没有在重来的机会，我没后悔认识你。也谢谢你，因为你，我现在明白了也看开了，我希望我不会再辜负下一个人。如果以后有机会，我不会再拒绝也会愿意做你朋友。

15年了，你在我心中已经有个无可代替的位置。与其说是情侣，更能说是家人了吧。虽然意见不合离开了，叫过你的称呼，我还不想用来叫别人。就觉得那是你特有的称呼。就算不用来叫你了也不会用来叫别人。只想留着。

我也希望我们的故事没有结束

 离开你 我有多么不舍

明明没有结果 何必再有难过

以为能爱得洒脱 可能是我不懂

爱而不得却给心上了枷锁

丢了你 是我犯下的错

那有什么选择 可惜没有如果

想问你近况如何 是否过得快乐

假如我们不曾遇见过

我们的故事一次一次又一次地走向结局

剩下我一个人还在苦守着那份回忆

是我不够小心 还是爱得太刻意

累了痛了只能够放在心底

我们的故事一点一点又一点地被你忘记

只有我一个人还放不下曾经的记忆

是我不够懂你 还是爱得太专情

我们就爱到这里 我终于放弃了你

无条件的爱

是我没法信任你，还是我太明白带有条件的爱是什么样子？

是我没法相信无条件的爱还你真的可以给予无条件的爱？

是我没有安全感，还是你没安全感？

是我不相信你还是你不信任我呢？

是我想太多了还是你想多了？

是我不懂你还是你没让我懂你？

我好想念你。想念你说支持我的时候，想念你静静的听我说，想念你相信我的样子，想念你在我生气伤心的时候会开玩笑逗我开心。你说我自私不了解你需要的。而你又何尝明白并能接受我想要的？

你真的尊重过我的决定吗？是不是年纪越大，就越难相信单纯的爱呢？

是我太在乎要和适合的人在一起还是我没耐心在和不合的人一起？

说能尊重明白的人，真的能接受与面对吗？

能接受的人往往感受得到。而不能接受的人我也知道也明白

我可以无条件接受你的一切，但你可以无条件接受我的一切吗？

我可以不要求你改变，但你可以不要求我改变吗？

我可以不试探你的爱，但你可以吗？

我可以不要求静静在你身边听你说，但你可以静静就这样听我说陪着我吗？

不做判决不给意见，只求你在，你听，你挺就行了。

开放大度的听着意见。不表示要接受。只表示听到了，会考虑。

为什么我越跟其他人在一起，我就越了解你的行为。为什么我跟其他人在一起，我就越明白你的意思。越让我放不下，但也越让我明白你没这么喜欢我也没我这么爱你。或者说你想要爱但又害怕被爱又害怕没结果。就像我没这么喜欢他，所以我可以很客观的看待事情也能明白你所做的。

我昨天和今天心情又不好了。你知道吗？你能感受到吗？

你说我很自私没有考虑你的感受但你不也很自私吗？

但我就是考虑了你我才能明确的以及现实的给你后路。我不希望有一天你会后悔。

是我太现实还是你想的太简单？

是我看是比较远见还你不想面对？

是因为我太现实让你觉得我不爱你？

我爱你也很想你，但是我不会再找你。因为理智的我没法做到。如果你找我，我也不知道我会不会失去理智的接受。明白吗？

Missing you

I'm officially dating someone yesterday. I like him but I don't love him. At least not now and not like T. He has a good personality. We have common interest. He is knowledgeable and importantly he is ambitious. He take pride in things he do. He is optimistic and he trust me and give me the security I needed. He say he wants to treat me well because I'm a good girl. I want to be there for him as well because he is a nice guy. Let's see how long we can last.

But he has very bad habit of comparing what I did with my exes and him. He seems quite possessive and he like to claim credit for what he has done constantly. He likes to say things opp to his heart. But he is the first guy who trust me and show me all his weaknesses. Im surprised and because of that I will not disappoint him. I was initially disappointed with him because he ask me to help him release on tues. Though he said he will not push, he is only teasing and joking but the words hurt me that night. I felt disrespected. I cried and wanted to leave. He was so anxious because he made a mistake that could destroy his entire chance to be with me. He tried to apologize and appease me but I couldn't believe him anymore. He suddenly make a funny face at me and I calm down. I laughed. He did it because I said the best way to cheer me up when upset or angry is to make jokes etc to make me happy. Distract me. And the thing he thought of at that time was to make a funny face. He remembered. Though he is bad at comforting but I see his efforts and thoughtfulness. In his attempt to prove he is trustworthy, he showed me his bank account. He told me his weaknesses which I appreciated.

Though I'm not sure if his words are lies a not just to get me. But I choose to believe him because he trust me with his weaknesses. Also I want to protect him and I empathize with his situation. The pressure since young to mature forcefully and take up responsibility. The only chance at enjoying your childhood. We are similar in a way. Both of us are derived of our childhood. Both of us have resentment against our father. It prove something at least if a guy is taking the risk to show you everything. He not just understand but he can really accept me like when I say I won't share my finances with my partner. Though he feel is not right but he will understand why. Instead of complaining why I don't, he try to prove that I could believe him.

I didn't accept him on telegram, I told him it needs to be official. Yesterday, he plan a nice dinner picking a steakhouse because I like to eat steak. Arrange a bouquet of pink roses because I like pink. And also wrote a card. He say he is shy to ask face to face. But he still overcome it and ask the question. I accepted him officially yesterday and it is the start of our relationship. 

I know and feel he wanted a kid still. He say he can understand and accept. But can see deep down he still wanted a child. He say he will prove to me he is trustworthy and he will treat me very well and hopefully, I will change my mind. I didn't want to make any comments. I know myself. If I make a decision is very unlikely to change. All the risk I have to go through again. He listens and I know he will try his best to resolve all my concerns. Maybe time really will change my mind in the future. But not now. I don't want to make the same mistake. 

爱情

什么是爱情呢？

我有两种方式

一种是无条件的。比较无私的。不知道为什么可就是喜欢。很火热的。你想要的就是他也是无条件的真心爱你，心疼你，宠着你，给你安全感就可以了。不在乎合不合，不在乎有没有结果。但通常都很短暂没有结果。也不知道是不是为了一时的新鲜感。也不知道如果在一起久了会不会厌倦。但我知道这份爱很深，容易受伤。如果放开了，很难放下还会单方面想着很久。这一种一旦分开通常短暂内没法做朋友。

另一种是有条件的。比较自私的。会看他的优点，做的东西我喜不喜欢。会看他的缺点是否能接受。会看他是否适合。在我要的物质生活里有没有帮助。而我的付出在于他能给的有多少。分开后也是因为他不再给我我需要的。或觉得付出太多亏了。就好像一个投资。是比较长期的。也是那种一旦放弃就不会回头。就属于感情慢慢培养的种类吧。放弃后还是朋友。

第二种也算是爱情吗？

想念

今天我又睡不着，最近我又特别的想念他。到底要多久才可以把他忘了。每个人身上都仿佛有着他的影子。让我一次又一次的想起他。想移情别恋但又没办法。到底为什么？几时这扇窗才能打开？几时我才能放得下这段感情。明明知道他没有爱但心里却一直反对，一直反复的想着我们经历的点点滴滴找借口证明他是有爱的。

我真的很累，也真的不想再想你。让我放下他吧。我想找到真正的幸福，我想找到真正的快乐。我想解脱。我想对他死心。

我也好想念曾经天真的时候，曾经不这么现实的时候。有些东西长大了，就消失找不回来了。经历的又不能抹去。有阴影的又刻在骨子里没法忘。我到底该如何变强大？到底该往哪个方向走才对呢？给我你点暗示，一点指示好吗？

偏偏在低落的时候遇见，偏偏你又对我这么温柔，偏偏你又能让我死了的心从新起动，偏偏你就能引出我的情感，偏偏你又整天让我怀疑。为什么是你？又是我上辈子欠的吗？我们到底有什么缘分？是短暂的停留？还是以后的托付？短暂的停留就不要让我放不下啊。我学会了你要表达的了吗？学会了就让我忘他了吧

Understand

I finally understand what he means, the things he do, why intimacy is important to him and the things he says about love not needing explanation, what he really needs, why he keep asking, insecurities etc. But end of the day, some things can't be erase and restart. Some things can't match and can't forced.

门当户对

Being with a person with same family background is important. Because family background is what shaped your values and principles in life.

Which is also what they say 三观合不合. If both of your have different perspective there is only 2 outcomes. One is compromising another is understanding and acceptance. Of course understanding and being able to accept is a better outcome. But how many people can really understand and accept your differences when they grow up differently? Compromising is the easier way out but is also the hardest to maintain long term.

How long can you compromise on the same difference repeatedly? When a person compromise, the person compromising will have the sacrificing mentality. This creates an imbalance. When imbalance happens, the person will find a stronger aspect of the partner to compensate for this imbalance to maintain balance. If the partner does not have any stronger aspect then it will trigger 2 concerns. Self worth and goals. 

If your goals are different from what you have,

Either you feel your partner is not worthy for you and you take a different path, divorce and leave to pursue your different goals. But there are still need consequences and responsibility that comes especially when you have a kid together.

Or you lower your expectations and stick on to initial path. Diminishing your self worth, giving up on your goals with the mindset of it doesn't matter which partner I stay with. Because you just need someone to accompany the life path of marriage, having kids, work till retirement etc.

The thing about lower your expectations and diminishing your self worth is you lose yourself in the process. You follow a path whereby everyone takes and it makes you close minded whereby you couldn't see the wonders that life can provide and it can be quite demoralizing, no motivation, no direction. Not to mention negativity, stressed and depressing.

One thing I learn from past marriage is a person really has to consider the practical points of long term marriage. Are your goals aligned? Eg being together till old, raising responsible kids, where to retire etc. What are your partner's weakness or what do you hate about your partner, amplify that and ask yourself if you can accept or you are compromising? 

If you cannot accept then I suggest to let go because love cannot overcome everything. People may say communication is important but I will say differently. You can communicate your hardships all you want but the partner will not understand you. Prolonged misunderstanding will result in impatience, unreasonable attitudes and behaviors. More quarrels. And end of the day you will still come to a crossroad to make a decision to stick on with your choice or change path and this can happen repeatedly throughout every single time when you quarrel about the same difference until you really accept your decision/fate or become emotionally drained. 

For now is only one difference. But there could be more. Unless one can understand/empathize and totally accept the difference in background, experiences and the decisions made based on those. 

Empathizing is difficult if you nv been in the same situation and personality differences also plays very important role in empathizing. There must be similarities in personality and interest. Optimistic vs pessimistic. The level of self esteem etc. Adaptability to accept chances.

Past experience

Been reading back on my blog post. I realize things that I have been blind to see or just refuse to see. There are really lots of signs that says we are not suitable and really lots of quarrels. I realize I have been giving in a lot more in the relationship that we have. I am really proud and surprised by how I managed to hold on till today. Despite really wanted to give up but I didn't. The issues are actually entirely the same. And I failed to realize or turn a blind eye to persever. I really have no one to blame except myself. Maybe is really a payback which I have already done. 

And I know the next partner I wanted will definitely not be someone who is not sincere or half sincere. I have to be more practical to let my mind decide than my heart or maybe both. Expectations to be higher now as I know my worth. There is honestly no reason for me to be with someone who doesn't appreciate me. Dor say I was too emotionally dependent on others. Though I don't feel so but anyway. If I don't meet the right guy then I rather be single. But I'm keeping someone in heart and this way, I can filter off people who are not sincere. 

As he said. If it is meant to be, it will come and let's just let nature take course. 

Late night

Can't sleep tonight. Really shouldn't have tea in the afternoon. Keep thinking about someone that I wanted or should have forget. Manage to throw him off my mind for a while and now is coming back all over again.

I really don't know what to think about the things we went through. There is sincerity at times and insincerity at other times and it makes me really annoyed trying to analyze and understand. People and things today somehow trigger and make me miss him all over again today. I know what's past is past and things will never be the same. But I couldn't help hoping.

I hope I can see him with someone else. Then it may break my heart entirely so I can really move on. And I really wanted to move on. There are guys who did ask the question. But I don't want to start with any other guys either. I don't know if it is because of my principles because I haven let him go so I shouldn't be with someone else or because he is still in my heart and I just refuse to let go or I just didn't meet anyone I want to try with. I know I'm setting a super high expectations and sort of pushing people away at the moment. Maybe until someone who can really persever. I know it is easy for me to get someone to take over. A distraction. But at the same time I know how it will end and definitely will end up hurting someone else or myself.

I know it takes time to let go and heal. I'm seriously impatient at the moment that my mind wanted to let go forcefully but my heart doesn't want to let go. Patience is really a virtue which I don't have and I'm annoyed. But there is nothing I can. I just hope it will not take me years to overcome from this. 

There is good news to share though. Which is I passed my driving test last Friday. I really thought I'm going to fail. But I passed. I still feel the tester give me chance that why I passed. Anyway is one goal is down and suddenly I feel lost again about what I should do. I'm thinking of piano lessons but I didn't want to pack myself fully weekly till I have no time to breathe. But on the other hand, I feel like packing myself daily so I think less of him. Because I have been sick for an month, I really feel tired for that past month that I pull through. But there again there are too many things for me to commit. My daughter which I can't give up visiting because of my guilt. My dance because I really enjoy it. It makes me feel like I'm myself. Friends that I know from dating app which I still want to maintain because I really wanted to move on. Having a staycation this weekend and hopefully this staycation can seriously help me relax. I really missed the days where I don't think about anything and sleep through the entire night. Recently my sleep are disrupted again. I wake up like 2 or 3am and couldn't sleep back until few hours later. I tried to avoid looking at my phone but somehow it didn't helped.

Work has been giving me problems too. Because I know I wanted to resign within a certain period, I dont have the heart to put in effort. I'm disappointed because my boss didn't provide what she offered initially. Though the workload is low but her expectations to me are unreasonable and I see myself fighting back on her expectations frequently. Hopefully this doesn't jeopardize my initial plan. 

Now I'm feeling slightly sleepy. Hope I can sleep all the way and still function tomorrow. 

Finally

Finally managed to login to this blog. After so long. Lost my password and forgotten the email. Luckily manage to remember.

Updating my life now

Left glico last year June and now in a Pte ltd company but is supposedly non profit. Plutoinnov. Weird company but salary not bad. However I'm not happy here. So my plan is to resign, travel to Greece for a while. Come back and find job again. Benefits is not as competitive as the director originally said. Very petty company which I don't like. Plus they treat me like admin or secretary to do personal things. Very against my gong si fen ming de nature. The company structure is also very messy. Lots of small weird companies under same owner

I have a daughter now. 3 years old. Born in Dec same as me. Cute active independent and persistent just like me. She knows very well what she wants just like how I am. When she is 8 month old, she try to learn standing on her own. She practices every single day. We didn't rush her or anything but she just wanted to do it. She will keep trying to stand in the cot. Even when her legs fall, she refuse to let go of the cot. I was worried that she will hurt her hands but she nv give her. Seeing her like this is really seeing myself. Past me. Stubborn, persistent with the nv give up attitude. Proud to have a daughter like her. Her name is xin cheng. Name her this because I love stars and starry night. And she will be my star the moment she is born. When she is in my stomach she is also super active. Once there is not much movement and we got a scare rush to the hospital. Fake alarm. She is healthy and fine. But doctor say risk is high because my water is slowly dripping out and her head is not facing down. Ask us to pick a day c sec.

Pregnancy with her isn't very smooth. Got to restrict myself on food a lot that I wanted to eat due to gestational diabetes. Everyday I worry about giving birth to a child that have diabetes during birth. Like my nephew. Luckily she is healthy and well. I thank God for this. But also because of this pregnancy I'm traumatized. I don't think I will ever want another child. The after effect of this pregnancy seems irreversible at least at this moment. Sleepless night, overthinking, depress mood, constipation, lost of craving, irregular menses etc. I'm still trying to get back my nights. It become very common for me not to be able to sleep or waking up frequently during the night. Like a habit or maybe cause of my overthinking. It's like 2am now and I'm not asleep. In the past I won't be able to function next day. But now. I still function because forced to do it last time during feeding. Is bad for health really and I'm trying to get back. 

Breastfeeding was my biggest nightmare. The pain, sleepless night, stress and pressure from a mother instinct is killing me. After having a child, it really hit me how a guy's support is super important at this moment. Sadly I didn't get enough support from my husband. The only thing he knows how to say is don't think so much with his mouth but nth is done. The unfair, depression that hit was bearable luckily. I think every woman face this depression before. Heard it from my friends who has kids also. The emotion and hormones changes causes it. Now I can understand why my aunt went into depression after birth of her 3rd child. If you aren't strong enough to overcome that emotion and you don't have support that you need, it really can cause you to go into depression.

Went to turkey last year. Met a guy quite handsome, nice body as well but younger than me. He like me and was really nice during the trip. Said he wanted to bring me see sunset the next day. Sadly we are leaving the boat the next day morning. Though I'm still in contact with him but I only treat him as a friend. Text and video call sometimes. He wanted me to visit him again. Talk about working in turkey etc or he come work in sg. if he work here the money bring back will be good for his retirement. Maybe when I go Greece if got time maybe will drop by to visit him. Well. See how it goes 

Sadly my marriage isn't well and we are divorcing. I raise the divorce. I just thought it through. Too much disappointment and too little sweetness. Too little communication as well. Raise the divorce before I went turkey. Thought of going for a few counselling to see if it helped to change my mind. apparently not. As I know myself too well. Once I decided to give up, it is done deal. During the trip, I also thought about it. I already relax myself and found myself enjoying my alone time. This in turn make me crave to divorce even more. I feel that I really lost myself too much in this marriage and parenthood. Though I will still be there forever for my daughter because she is my responsibility. I told him maybe I'm just not suitable for marriage. 

After raising the divorce, I was using a dating app which dor recommended. She say to start early cause it can take a year to meet someone. Using it I met this guy. Older than me by 7 years old. I don't know why I like him. Dor say is because he give me the attention that I crave for too much. Maybe I just wanted the same attention how he used to give me. This guy also said something that he used to say to me. Now think of it, the things that talk are quite similar. Same insecurity, same way of asking me to trust him more, telling me he didn't want to spoil me too much. Maybe the guy just reminded me too much of how sweet he used to be to me. I miss him. I really do. Fallen deep in and miss him too much. Dor will say I stupid. Someone say I 恋爱脑. 😂 Maybe I just miss the days when I can love as I like and hate as I like. But this guy is different, he doesn't provide the same security that he used to provide to keep me calm and secured. he has the vibes of a flirt guy that my ex used to give. He is like a version of my exes all end together. 😂 End up we didn't stay together because he is always missing and his reasons are too hard for me to believe. Not as naive as he thought I'll be. One thing I may be attracted that dor enlighten is probably the financial stability that he maybe able to provide. He don't have to work and owns 3 pubs. Another reason which I think I'm attracted is the way he can be open with his emotions which unlike someone who likes to keep it to himself. It makes me tired because I nv know what he is thinking is I can't see through. He flips his interest like a prata. The inconsistent make me annoyed. If a person doesn't know what he wants himself, how is anyone else supposed to know?

Anyway I feel I spoil him too much and watching him deteriorate makes me heartache. He can actually do or grow but with me it just makes him demoralize. We are really not suited for each other. I know very long ago we are not suitable. There are too much bad signs all along our relationship but I choose to ignore and take this path. I have no one else to blame. The day I broke up with him due to his father's incident was the day I shouldn't had agree to patch. That day I know he isn't sincere but I just didn't want to give up the relationship since we were together for a while. 舍不得 and because of this choice, I got to pay for it. Anyway I have woken up being deceiving myself. Is time to change a path.

I have started to let go of the relationship and recovering myself. Been in a depressed mood for too long plus the older guy make it longer. But recently I feel better. Or starting to feel better. Realigning my goals. I happy I met the older guy though not suitable to be together. Because of him, I met a lady who woke me up from confusion and bring me out of lost. She make me clear why I wanted my divorce and connects me back to my original me. Make me realize who I have neglected. And I hope she finds her way too and same for the older guy and his friend.

Now I just look forward to relaxing and relieving trip mid this year. Recently after raising the divorce I have been packing my schedule full. Too full without a chance to breath. After I come back from jb I'm going to try to loosen that up. Given myself a breather. Also previously I have been closing my Pandora box for a while. Though it isn't too negative but it has open slowly and slowly. The sadness slowly flows away entirely. I no longer feel depressed, pity or angry. And I don't suppress these feelings anymore. Let it flows and melt away. Also with the divorce I was very guilty because I decide to give up care and control of my daughter. A lot of ppl advice me not to give her up but I know. Even if I give care and control up I will still be there for her. And I believe she will learn to understand and she is strong enough to overcome this because she has my genes. I also know he will take good care of her. I know I can take food care of her as well but at the expense of my freedom. If I wanted both, this is the best way to balance. And she needs him to be around and im willing to give in. 

There are some guys that I meet also recently. Also friends and nth more. I know what I want and they are also not suitable. Anyway is not a must to be in a relationship. And I'm not in a rush. The right one will come along and walk jointly with me. Until then I can walk my own path. 

Oh and Im keeping diary. Finally have a physical book diary I can keep. Previously I keep here. Now I can keep physical too for emotional things. 😂

Alone time

Now in the mulia hotel enjoying my alone time listening to music. 5 stars hotel with bathtub. The last time i was here i soak everyday and end up with uti. This time need to stop myself from tubbing too long and too frequent. Hai. Looking at the big bathtub so nice so seductive but cannot soak too long. Will be here for 1 week. So while here just try to enjoy the time. No need wash clothes got free laundry. Don need wake up too early for work. Every morning got breakfast to eat.

The only bad thing abt this hotel is the internet super slow. Cannot watch show. Recently watching china show and this actor call chen ruoxuan 辰若轩 so handsome. When he smile so cute. But see him will make me think of someone else. His look is so similar to my secondary school mate. The smile can melt your heart. I wonder how his mother can stand him. Everytime make mistake give sad face everything also can forgive liao. Hahaha. How can someone be so cute. I dont mind having such a cute brother sia.

Last friday got gambro gathering. Anna came to singapore for visit. Meet up with us chit chat and talk abt her australia life. I still considering going australia for my solo trip but still not decided where i should go. Maybe still somewhere with beach still most suitable for me. Had a catch up with them. Everybody is gd and still happy. Had one or 2 cup of alcohol that night too.

I want to retire in a place with a house near the beach. Got beach chair just sit there watch the sea everyday. At night with the sea breeze blowing at you while you view the stars above. This kind of retirement plan seems to be a dream if you are from singapore.

My cousins one by one are getting married and having kids. While for me I still having contradiction whether to have kids a not. Sometimes i feel have kids also gd something to distract u from a boring usual life. Also dear say must have kids then consider a whole family. But the freedom that u need to sacrifice is another thing i not willing to do. Another thing is your finances. Kids need a lot of money which also means you cant enjoy all that you earn.

Next year really need to plan a trip to somewhere. Should i go china go the beach that the cute guy show on the video? Looks like a quiet place. Or go Fiji again since still got so much fijian dollar left? Or go a cheaper option of belitung?

Finally got my key for the house a step closer to my freedom. Can do whatever i like and want to do. Freedom like my butterfly tattoo. Freedom to fly anywhere and away from annoying things i see in my life. Like his stubborn dad. Currently i not staying at his house i will so much better. No dirty shower or clothes or floor. Although my house not very quiet also but at least only got one person nagging but the entire house shouting and talking super loudly.

Today seems to feel my mood lifted. Doesnt seems to be as depressed as ytd. Hopefully this refresh feeling will continue. 😎😉

Next month going jb with dor and joce to celebrate our birthday. Currently don't have much excitement abt my birthday yet. But I am hoping for a super romantic encounter to electrify my restless heart.

Depressed

Recently i have been feeling depressed often. Crying without a reason. Always feel like going somewhere alone or drinking some alcohol. Today i am away alone on a business trip and have been feeling upset for no reason. Tears just drop down when i am on the plane and also when i am alone in the room. It feels like I am missing out on something that I do not know.

Valentine day and birthday

This year keep quarrel with dear dear and push dear dear to plan. At last dear got plan for birthday. He plan to go bbq. Book the pit and buy food. He plan to bbq steak for me. So we celebrated my  birthday at changi beach. Although he forgot to bring my fav hot dog we still have a gd time.. Valentine is again bbq but bbq with different food.. He say to bbq my fav cod fish.. So we went shopping the day before and bought cod fish and scallop though is paid by me as he got no money but is the effort that make me happy. When he wake up the next day. He prepare the marination of the cod fish and scallop and come out with different marination.  Though the food not very nice but still happy to see him putting the effort for the day.

Life

Quarreling is never inevitable in life.. Communicating your point across to a stubborn, self centered, coward person is what to me toughest thing to do when in a heated agrument.

Some people just cannot admit when they are at fault.

1st of all u forgot about our plans for today 

2nd u make a promise and u broke it without an apology. Despite that, still act like not in the wrong. Quote "what is wrong with me going eat with my sister?" Response: nth is wrong when u eat with ur sister. But not when u arrange to eat with me first. U will get angry and saying how can ur friend do that when u and ur friend had a arrangement to meet up and he went to meet another friend instead. So what the difference now when u do it to even worse ur WIFE. And stop bringing up ur sisters as a shield and trying to find excuse for your mistake of not able to keep the promise. Next time i will do the same and let u hav a taste of ur own medicine.

3rd not being considerate for your partner. Despite knowing that he is unable to reach in time and does not have car still keeping it secret and not wanting to make the effort to inform the partner and not sorry for Making the partner waited for at least 2 hours for her lunch to miracally appear. Quote "i am sorry for not tabaoing for u but the stall have sold the food. I cannot predict that what." & "i didnt ask u to wait for me for lunch what". Response yea, i am stupid to be waiting to have my lunch delivered when someone said he will tabao for me. And stupid enough to expect that he will at least have the heart to let his partner know when he cannot make it or at least rush things and not let his partner starve. Should have just ate on my own and couldnt care less about him. Well at least i know my mistake. Will never wait for him for lunch even when he say he will eat lunch with me.

4th didnt have the consideration to inform his partner that his sister is borrowing the car. Only inform when reach that if we going to eat chicken rice at amk we got to take bus there after the wife has been starve for 2 hours. blame it on the partner for having a expectation that he will be driving when he has a car and drive most of the time. Doesnt stop there, still have the cheek to say since when do i need to report to you when my sister borrow the car? Wow. So since u are so selfish abt sharing such info. then u know what? pay back for the car installment and downpayment that u took from the account. Do not think about using any more money from that shared account cause is not used for ur personal assets. Just a reminder that I can do without ur stupid car. Also sell off the motorcycle and return half of my money. And not going give u any money when u are lazy to find a work. Get ur ass off ur hse and go find a job and earn money for urself. Why? Cause we are not partners if u don treat me like one. And why should i giving u when u don even bother..

5th blaming on saying he need his personal space to settle his family matters. Note to self. **Guess u not part of the family. So dont be an idiot and see when u stand in "his family."

Conclusion  is just a simple thing.

Apologize for all the mistakes when I get angry and when u are in the wrong. But no.. Apologizing will take a piece of meat from him so he cannot just apologize and settle things. he has to quote a lot of nasty things and argue his way out every single time.

Oh no. Not this time. Cant argue ur way out this time. Giving in to u plenty of time and definitely again not this time.

new update

Join Baxalta effective feb but cannot be use to the culture here. Well they keep saying is culture difference but too me is colleagues. People here are not as friendly and too competitive. Even within dept is like fighting internal war.. People like to flip pratas in this company and is hard to work with uncooperative people.. Standard here for finance are so much higher and other dept seems to bully accounting team. Furthermore, leader fail to support the internal team and feel that she just add more oil or push blame to cover herself.. in accounting team, especially my scope, I feel that once u do one mistake other dept will be waiting eagerly to shoot arrows at u.. After long consideration, At last I have resigned and is nowing serving notice. Last day early nov.. Found myself another job 2 weeks into my notice and going to work at glico.. new job new environment and new colleagues provide a new start. Fueling up and motivated to join them. Higher pay and have sufficient break time. excellent for me =)

Early march went to perth with dear and mum. nature trip with sightseeing and see a lot of animals.
Best trip is to go for seal watching trip with Turquoise safaris. The owner Kane is an excellent guide. When pulling of the boat equipment from the sea, we realize there is an octopus hiding in it. Managed to hold it and play with it for a while before releasing it into the sea. After which,We get to swim with 2 cute baby seals and also plenty of live fresh rock lobsters to eat. Kane brought us to pull lobster pot after the seal watching. He gave us all the live rock lobsters caught. They are all red in color. We took back to hotel and just froze them. After that boiled them. Fantastic and delicious..
We also get to see kangaroos, walk super duper long to find the koala enclosure as we are so dumb. haha.. Is super fun to drive around in the caravan. Get to shop for gocery every now and then to cook and eat and travel all at the same time. So shiok.. Perfect.. Also we went for shopping ate a super nice trolls favor ice cream at frementle.. ate super nice fish and chips, doughnut and ramen at the market.. Plus get to see Quokkas at the Rottnest island.. There are some down side.. which we didn't get to ride on the bus that cost us AUD 20 but we got free bicycle to travel rottnest island. Beach at perth is such an amazing view.. u get to drive beside the sea.. so breathtaking. Also paid a bloody expensive visa to go perth at USD 90 if I am not wrong recommended by the hotel staff. while my husband only paid $25.. shouldn't listen to the flight staff.. Then I bought a cheese and fremantle but left it at the hotel.. sian.. Overall, trip is good and would like to go again..

Counting down to 10 more days and I will be at Mui Ne enjoying the sun and the beautiful sea. since march till now didn't go overseas at all.. other than Malaysia.. and Malaysia not counted..This trip is for next year march anniversary. Pushing it forward in case we do not have money next year. As next year we are going for honeymoon plus our house is coming.. anyway still Deciding if I should book the hot air balloons to surprise my dear.. he probably will like it.. but it is expensive.. Check the price of hot air balloon else where and it seems this in mui ne is considered reasonable and cheaper.. the company is new though but equipment, pilot is known to be from Europe.. Guess most likely I will proceed to book.. Well for another fishing trip not sure if I wan to proceed.. Both tour are in early morning.. so we shall see..

Dear isn't working for about 1 and half month.. was a bit worried as we not enough money to renovate house and go for honeymoon next year.. and also worried that he get use to laze at home without a job like his father and depend on me.. hopefully we can get our expenses up and does not need to use my personal money too much.

lastly my grandma is going for cataract surgery tomorrow.. pray and hope that everything goes well and she recover as fast as possible.. sounds scary to have someone cutting your eye.. although my ah ma say she not scare but I tink she is when she know is not local anesthesia and she will be awake during the surgery.. I myself is afraid for her.. went to search what patient can see during the surgery and it seems like she wont be able to see the doctor equipment but only some lights here and there.. So felt more comfortable.. hope she don feel the fear stay strong through out the surgery..

lifestyle

I am doing a post and update as Im very bored at work currently.. And do not have the mood to do work.. today is Friday and my mind is having holiday already.. Cant wait to reach 5.30pm to dismiss from work.. Updates of my life below.

1. Baxter is having some shared services program soon and would probably have retrenchment for functional dept next end.. Baxalta is recruiting finance team as their shared services is decided to be in Singapore.. My Colleagues and I have applied for the position.. and 2 of us got shortlisted to join which is me and Jessie.. at first I am still contemplating on whether to join or just remain in the company.. My mum, friend, dear and Jessie were encouraging me to go over.. Therefore I decided to join.. Jessie mentioned.. Don worry.. I will be there too.. I am not pushing you to die.. we are just jumping from one fire pit to another.. haha.. this sentence kind of worry me though.. But well, I still decided to join.. And then when I moved over in Feb, Jessie will be my manager in Baxalta..

2. After 8 years of dating, Sam propose to me during our anniversary trip in Cebu Philippines.. Cebu is a very very nice place to snorkel and dive.. I hope to be there again.. So how did the proposal went.. We were staying at dauin.. the place I went for snorkeling while Sam went for his advanced diving course.. At night Sam suggest to go for a walk at the beach.. So we were strolling along the beach holding hands side by side.. He kicked the water to show me something that his instructor showed him during the course.. While he kicked, something glow in the water which only happens at night.. Heard of that before somewhere in some country has that and it is beautiful.. But the pictures I saw on the net has it on the beach sand to.. But it does not seem so.. So I ask them if he is sure something is glowing or it is just bubbles reflection cause it clearly looked like bubbles forming when he is kicking or waving the water.. His reaction was the same as mine and we wondered if his instruction is lying about it.. Well, anyway, after being curious of the water, I told him that I feel tired and would like to head back.. one thing about me.. I am afraid of the dark.. That area does not have any lights so it is quite dark and remind me of these news about some insect or worm which hides in the sand and will go into your body through your feet.. So that sort of creep me out.. He said He does not want to go back yet and would like to stroll further.. So we walk a bit further till it getting darker down the lane and I am getting more anxious about the insect thing.. So he questioned on my request to head back and ask what is wrong.. So I told him the story about the insect which hides in the sand and will go into your body through your feet.. He told me not too worry and he is walking in front of me.. So even if there is such insect he will be there to block it for me first.. Then he proceed to say that he will always be there to block the rain or sun or whatever that comes in our way if I am willing to.. When he say that, I just treat it as his sweet talk and just laugh it off.. Then he said he is serious.. If I give him the chance he is willing to protect and block anything for me.. Well, so touching.. But I didn't cry.. Just then, I realize maybe he is proposing to me.. He dig his bag for the ring.. and show it to me.. So I ask him is that all? Then need kneel on one knee and ask me if I would marry him.. But I want to hear more from him.. What else.. I said I want him to pour his heart out.. He promise a couple of things which I will list now so we remember in the future.
1) Bring me on a trip every year on our anniversary.. Only 2 of us.. even if we have children we are not bringing along.
2) Never to be like his irresponsible and useless father, slack at home without work
3) Never to be like the size of Desmund or just say never to be very fat.
4) Always love and dote on me and even if we have children. I have more priority and love than our children..
5) He will protect me from everything that is to come.
These promises will be recorded here and set as a reminder..

After all these, we went back to our room.. That when I realize his knee is bleeding and he said it was nth.. I ask if he hurt his knee while kneeling at the beach.. The beach is full of seashells than sand.. He said yes but it is worth it.. Another touching part.. The most touching part would be when he was asleep, I look at his phone and come across this note that he was keeping.. it is on the words that I have said when we quarrel and he is keeping a note of his promises.. Never to speak vulgarities to me etc.. That is when I am so touched to know that it really listens when I am talking.. For all these he gets full marks from me.. Well, the last part was not known to him..

3. From that proposal, I started to work on the wedding, Book the banquet venue, source of our wedding packages etc.. Come across these Korean Wedding photoshoot which interest me.. Reason being the photos will all be send back to us.. Which as much as I know myself, I wont only take the limited pictures.. I will definitely get more than that.. So this helps to save cost and this also help me to reason out with him to go for this.. Which means we will be going to Korea.. more cost.. And I argue on that this will be considered as our anniversary trip for 2017.. He then agreed..

As I failed to check the weather before I booked, Jan - March is winter season and will not be good for me.. So we decided to postpone our Perth trip from Oct to March and plan our trip in Oct.. So now I am already back from Korea and have our wedding photos done.. it is fun and rushing but the results are not bad.. It is quite cold in korea and we did shopping during our whole trip there.. eat shop eat shop.. the food is nice.. and a lot of private time for the 2 of us too.. We went for Onsen too.. The onsen there is fantastic.. Cheap and good.. though soaking alone is boring.. That when I wish Dorothy is there with me.. haha..

Also we have hen's party coming in Jan to Bali, and a friends relax trip at Bintan during Christmas..
Cant wait for the Christmas trip to come.. Plan my bridemaids, invited my Emcees, book my banquet hotel which will be at Village Hotel Katong.. Quite satisfying with my negotiation skills for the banquet and the photoshoot package though.. felt that I got a good deal.. haha

Lastly cant wait to be married off, get our own house and stay together..


4. Family. We have 3 little ones in our family.. Aaralyn, Aaden and Alvan.. why their name all start with A? Well Kiasu parents I guess.. You know schools always have their line up with alphabet so start with A you will be the first.. Sad thing is Aaralyn and Aaden will be going US again for 2 years.. Hai.. going to miss them.. The rest of the family members no news to update.. Huai Yu and Yee Sim are married.. So maybe we will have additional members soon too.. Kun Xiang is getting married next year too.. End of the year..

5. Friends.. Dor is working at recruitment agency.. not sure which one I forgot.. and she is super busy.. Jocelyn has been planning badminton and we have been playing together for a few weeks.. for gambro, Jasmine and Charlotte is having a baby girl next year in Feb.. And we have new members during our gathering, 3 new members.. haha from Jason, Vinsonn and Priscilla..

That all for the update till next time.. =)

Valentine Day

This year's valentine day has no surprise or present or gift.. Other than telling my bf to deliver mac to me for breakfast.. Went out as per usual day.. A bit disappointed although we nv didnt celebrate much valentine the past few years anyway.. Was quite looking forward to this year's.. Since very long got no surprise liao.. Always say will own self plan his surprise.. Ask liao jiu no surprise.. I wait lol.. But see the pattern.. Nv say nv do de.. Own self plan wait until die liao I tink also don hav..

Next Looking forward to the anniversary trip.. Counting down to 2 more weeks.. Going to apo island dumaguete cebu Phillipines this year..

Anyway for update and memories.. This year birthday present is a baking mixer.. Been making cakes a few times already.. Need more practices..

Life in 2016

Today is 11 of Feb.. Chinese new year is on 8th Feb.. So far so good for 2016..

Everyone in the family is well.. Same new year visiting.. 2 of my cousins are married last year.. 2 more hong bao to receive.. Less gambling this year as the 2 cousins need to attend to their in laws side.. however, got other kind of entertainment.. Got 2 nephews and 1 niece to play with.. haha.. our little princess of the family.. always running around chasing after her daddy.. haha..

Had a new reporting manager.. Now reporting to the new baxter manager.. Kind, super generous and friendly.. lucky me.. nice colleagues and good boss.. hopefully got more salary increment or progress in my career this year though..

Coming to our 9th year anniversary, this year we are going to Philippines, Dumaguete and Cebu city for our anniversary.. probably not diving for me but advanced course for my dear Samuel Woo.. Approaching valentine day this year.. wondering if there is any surprise this year.. though probably spending the day at my er yi house.. cause it is still new year.. the new year visiting..

Questions not to ask

Being in the current age sucks.. Why? Everywhere u go ppl ask u the same thing.. Got bf a not? When get married? When hav children.. Blah blah blah.. Seriously, if we wan to get married, we will.. U will get invitation.. Unless u are not close enough.. Then I get married or not also don matter to u.. Don need to ask.. Not married of course cannot hav kids la.. Need to faster.. Faster what? Faster head la.. Marry can fast de meh? Hav kids can fast de meh.. I prefer having kids when I am mature enough to educate them.. Not anyhow hav kids just because u lik kids or just because of ur horny moments..

Another thing is asking of houses.. Say don know how many times liao.. People still ask.. When u get hbd? Location at where ar? If u cnt rmb, means u are not int.. If u are not int, then why the hell keep asking me the same questions over and over again.. Tell u 2018 liao.. Few months later ask again.. When u get ur hdb ar? Haven get yet ar? Hello.. Now is 2015 only leh.. 3 months later still 2015 u know.. Not like 3 months later, it will jump to 2018..

At this age, other than all these questions no other questions already meh? If u wan ask not cnt.. Just ask once.. Once enough liao.. If ppl say haven married yet, not yet.. Then maybe u should keep ur mouth shut instead of asking questions lik.. Why haven? When going to get married? Hello.. Is I marry or u marry? My mum also nv ask.. Marriage need planning de ok.. Not happy happy one day tell u I go rom liao.. 3 months later invite u to wedding de ok.. U ask so much for wat.. Ask liao I also don know right? The guy also haven propose what u wan me to do? Hdb get liao means within these few years lol..

Fed up with ppl asking these questions that I sometimes just cnt be bothered to reply.. Maybe I should just ask them back sarcastically how u get married last time? When u decide to get marry? The guy propose to u right? Ah then, u ask me for wat? Or when u shot gun got kids right.. U can see my stomach is flat.. Not going to xian shang che hou mai piao.. Ur pushing and pressurizing to us does not get the work done u know.. Nv heard the sentence mian qiang mei you xin fu meh.. My marriage is my marriage.. Now become lik become everybody's business lik tat.. Don tell me stuff lik u need to prepare money.. Wedding dinner cost u how much? At most $200.. Is not like I will suddenly invite u 1 month later eh can attend my wedding dinner.. Confirm will hav enough time de wat.. Wedding dinner leh.. Not 1 month baby shower leh..

Proposal

Saw one post regarding worst marriage proposal with a caution note.. Its say to check with ur partner if she /he lik a public proposal.. The answer will be no for me.. Marriage proposal has to be private.. Romantic.. Not show off to everyone that u are getting marry.. Not mentioning the awkwardness and I think it will be embarrassing to me.. Simple, sweet, surprising proposal is enough already as long as ur partner is the one who make effort to think and plan how to make it works.. Is enough already.. Well, enough for me..

Proposing on birthday or valentine day.. Why not must as well propose on ur anniversary day.. More meaningful than birthday or valentine day.. The day u go steady with ur partner.. The day ur partner said yes on ur first 'propose'.. Best propose and rom on the same day.. Wedding dinner put one year later on the same day.. Haha less dates to remember.. Don hav to be question /test yearly by ur partner which day propose, which day rom, and celebrate all diff days tat just represent 'you are married'..

Photography is a must to me on the proposal.. More important than having a photographer on ur wedding day.. Take down the surprise moment.. The big change of ur life.. 10, 20 years down the road, u can still reminisce that day.. Or show it to ur kids.. Obviously the photographer must be privately hidden, can ask a friend to help if u are on budget and do not want to hire one.. Or u just take that moment urself.. Plan it in ur proposal.. Adjust ur camera hidden at right angle.. Whichever way works..

My friends ask me what is my dream proposal.. Simple.. Just a night out flying kite.. a led proposal kite.. Element of surprise.. Kneeling a must.. Words from bottom of his heart.. Diamond ring yes.. That all..

Vietnam Trip

Travel.. Going for my vietnam trip soon with my bff dor and joce.. So tired currently looking forward for that trip to relax myself.. Haven go for this trip already thinking abt going for koh samui for anniversary and australia.. Haha.. Money is a big issue though..

Work.. Just receive news that I will be integrated into baxter finance.. Organization structure is weird and unfair though.. But see how next year ba.. Can only Look forward to my dec bonus..

Learning a lot of new tings currently.. Dance yoga zumba.. My way to be healthy.. A few time a week.. Hopefully in future I can learn piano too.. When I have a house can put piano..

Now is durian season.. Hahaha.. Eat and eat and eat.. Still feeling at eating now but scare too heaty.. So don dare to eat.. But lik haven eat enough lik tat..

My senior went malaysia bought me a packet of famous amos cookies.. Hahaha.. Nice.. Now everyday go work enjoy.. But lik too much liao.. Everyday I only eat 2-3 pieces.. Wonder when then finish..

My mum is asking me for another $50 then she help me wash clothes iron clothes etc.. Wonder whos mum is lik my mum paid to do all those housework for daughter.. Still say she not maid.. Tat day my mum was looking at my cards in my wallet keep asking is it debit card? Then I frustrated.. Ya ya debit card why? She say my aunt ask y I nv sub a card for my mum.. Say what based on my salary can sub a card for my mum.. Say all these bullshit to my mum for wat? Why she so kpo de.. Go ask her kids sub card for her la when they work.. Discipline her own kids.. Don Come disturb other ppl family..

I cant slp

I cant slp today.. Cause im disappointed today.. Been tinking abt stuff tat I wish I can don tink abt.. But its too disturbing for me.. I don even know if I can still belive my bf.. Cause every single time he makes a promise he meant it to be broken.. Every single time and repeatedly.. Even for the smallest promise.. And if promise are meant to be broken.. Then why or how would I trust to be under ur care.. Ur promise are never fulfiled.. U can promise to take care of me.. Promise never to betray me.. Promise every single ting u wan.. But can I trust u if ur promises are only meant to be broken and u will have million of excuses for breaking them.. The promise and the try? Where are they? I don see it.. Oh I do.. First few days and after tat? Gone.. Hack care.. Bo chap.. If so.. Sorry.. I cnt take a bo chap irresponsible person to be my bf anymore.. My patience has a limit and I tink I have been saying that for a year already.. Maybe is time to take action since I am seeing more and more true colors coming out from u.. And those ting tat I cnt stand and have been constantly saying.. But its just seems lik.. The more I say the more frequent the pattern is out.. If nth else change on ur promises and ur try.. Then maybe it is time because by then i will probably have already lose trust and faith..

Mentally tired and unmotivated

Mentally tired and unmotivated abt everything.. What will happen if my patience has used up and I decided to give up despite putting so much time? Then I will be wasting my time.. Time vs Result.. I hate waiting and hate being stagnant.. Will the result I get be able to compensate the time I wait?

Money, time and result.. How I wish I can know what is the relationship between them and choose the most worth option..

The moment when u feel lifeless and angry and lastly sad when all ur goals are not hit.. Its time to rethink ur options carefully.. There is not much time to lose.. Decide, take action and say ur goodbye to whatever u decide to give up and nv look back after tat..

Next year mar.. Hopefully I can tolerate till then.. Or maybe this year nov or dec I will decide to give up already.. If I manage to tolerate, next year mar will be the time I will choose to give up or continue.. Though it is obvious I will give up if no actions was given by then.. And variable unchanged.. Now to next year think it through carefully.. There is still a lot of other options u can choose..