Hectic

Life has been hectic these few months. 2 of the team left the company and remaining ones have to back up and work longer to keep the operations going.

Lucky for me my bosses appreciate my hard work and promoted me. The accountant in the team was not very detail oriented and careless. But at least most of the time still dependable and helpful. 

When new members onboard, hopefully everything can be settled and become stable. 

Relationship is also stable. We hardly have big argument etc. We manage to understand each other. Communicate better and accommodate to each other better, providing more emotional support to each other. Also Spend quality time together with my daughter as well. 

The only problematic thing now is the annoying ex who likes to always make things difficult. Non stop threatening my access rights. Acting out whenever there is disagreement. Hopefully I can get the ppo approve as I nv want to talk to him again. Dont need to argue with him etc and have quality peaceful happy times with my daughter. 

Though due to the court case, bad memories keep coming back to me and having even more sleepless night. Immunity drop and gotten sick. But also cause of sick and medicine allows me to sleep through for 2 full days. All these are temporary and will definitely settle with time and with support from my love 💓 

My daughter is also getting more and more grown up as time past. She know how to appreciate and cherish things now. Saying sweet things to me. Saying thank you, sorry, i love you etc. Her temper has also tone down a lot. She will tell me she dont want to cry and be angry or throw temper at me. 

Now that she is better at regulating her emotions, I also started guiding her chinese and working on education. Though minimal but I think is best she pick up more chinese. Will also continue to focus more on providing more learning experiences hands on, moral values, ethics and manners etc.  

Recently she has requested to stay overnight at my residence. Which I told her that her dad dont allow. I ask her to go and nego with her dad for it if she really wants it. She use to say once before. I fight hard for it in the past but when i took an opportunity to bring her over for the stay. She didnt want to stay with me. So now I feel if she really wants to then she can fight for it on her own. 

Finances has also been building up, preparing to buy a house 2 years later when im of age. Hopefully i don't need to be in debt for too long. Continuing to build my retirement fund so that i can have an early retirement. 

Emergency

Today my mum called me. Say she need my help. Help to bring things to hospital for her. Usually I will be very angry at her for asking me to do things for her. However, this time I was calm. 

I dont like most of the time how she talk things without head or tail. This time I ask her what happen and what she need. She didnt get angry also. She was telling me symptoms she had yesterday. How she went into the hospital. Based on the symptoms I do agree is urgent case and she is being serious. I say I got plans today. At most I go down later. She said ok no rush. 

For the 1st time we didnt argue or fight. Is been some time since she ask me for something. And this time she wasnt pushy or controlling. She was considerate which Im happy about. Finnaly she learned. Told Jerry about needing to go down to the hospital. Change of our plans. He was also calm and accomodating. Changing his plans to accommodate. Going back to drive his car instead. Saying it was easier that way. 

In my heart, I think my wound healed a little from the past. Remembering how my ex would have complained about change of plans and how I would have complained about my mum. Things have changed. I do agree last time my mum love to over depend on me which makes me annoyed. I hate to have my plans change because of anyone even if it is my mum. Nowadays she is really more independent which really make me feel less pressured and more relax. 

Furthermore, I am more tolerant to change of plans as long as it is important. Time spend is more important to me and doing what is needed. Being angry doesnt change any fact. Also time past and my mum is now 60 yo. Not young and also not old. 

Also this time I was really concerned whether she got stroke etc. She is at the age where ppl gets all sort of illnesses and problems. Though I never worried much about her health as she is healthy all along. I believe she is fine too. My only concern is what will happen if she really get stroke at still considered a young age. She had this hyperventilation issue years ago which she is afraid she got stroke added to my concern. This could be one time off but also would be a start of a real stroke. 

But that time she was being over attention seeking which makes me feel troublesome. So everytime when she say she need something i get really annoyed. Over needy and over dependent plus all the guilt tripping etc just makes me want to get out. However she changed. Less needy less dependent over the years which make me happier. 

Now the thought of her being a burden for me again makes me feel pressured. After all I tried to save my money to survive and give myself a better life. And then is like history repeating itself again. For 1 im afraid how history will repeat and her guilt trip start all over again, making me in a dilemma state. Then I think about how I should have some budget to be use for my mum just in case. 

I do not know how much she has. But im less worried when she has bought insurance. Although i not sure how much can insurance cover. I just thought, even if she is fine now. I still need a future plan for her. Despite trying to avoid that since the start I plan my life, it seems kind of inevitable. I have to start putting her into my saving plans. 

Best is she dont touch the plans and mostly try to depend on herself. Work as long till she can is the best. As I always told her. Dont depend on me for retirement. Like the way she did to me when I was young, I did the same. To be heartless so she learn to be less a burden and dependent to other. 人都是只能靠自己. 靠人人会跑，靠山山回到，靠自己最好. 每个人都有自己的命不要整天妄想着靠儿女养老. 儿女不是投资

情绪控制

时不时回忆还是会再次浮现

有时候真的很想失意

把曾经的快乐都忘得一干二净

这种感觉在第一次曾经也有过

但很久没有再出现过了

当之前的快乐全变成了现在痛苦的回忆

在这一段的人生会觉得我整个人生好像只有痛苦

这一刻我终于明白为什么有些人不希望拥有不死之身

当让你快乐的人离开后，那些回忆都会变成痛苦的记忆

这些记忆只会一直跟着你

在那一刻情绪涌上心头就会很痛苦

记忆虽然不会忘但情绪是可以全忘掉的

我不知道当初我是到底怎么放掉第一次

我现在已经不记得那时候的痛苦了

我只知道我在那次痛苦过而学到了什么

痛苦消失了，经历学到了

那时觉得特别重要的已经不再重要

我最喜欢自己的一点

就是一旦下定决心我就不可能再回头

因为只要一直制造美好新的回忆

不回头就是对自己的好

没有人可以改变过去

但绝对可以主宰自己的未来

旧的会被冲淡的而细节都记不起来了

也许当我老后这些回忆又会变成我笑自己的愚蠢

只要明白这一件事就是生活是为了快乐和幸福

在你达到目标以前其他都不重要

所以目标明确后

其他让你痛苦的扯后腿的都要及时残除就对了

解决不了的人就直接远离忘掉

没有人可以让你不高兴除了自己

做你自己的光

让你自己快乐或幸福的权利只有自己

只有自己看淡才能让自己活的幸福

Feigning ignorance

Sometimes I dont know if it stupid or feigning ignorance. I feel that is more like cannot be bothered and bo xin

Say so many times ask so many times still act bodoh. Lots of excuses no valid solution. Only know how to avoid. Emotional and feelings also cannot catch. Dont know got what use. Totally cannot connect. 

心情不好

最近心情好像不是很好

不知道是不是睡不够

有点想自己放假自己玩

找个海边躺平一星期好像不错

现在找人一起玩好像挺难的

又担心需要互相忍让反而更累

不用忍让了解你的朋友又没什么时间

这个年纪没小的顾就是有老的顾

我呢？庆幸自己小的和老的都不用我顾太多

感觉上我们都被时间绑着

怕花不够时间在爱的人身上

又担心自己有能力方位内给不够

常常在给时忽略自己

有时安排时间真的不简单

时间和钱都有限

花太多时间在别人身上

会感觉时间都不够自己用

钱也是至少钱能赚只是赚多赚少

但时间不一样也赚不了所以被时间绑着了

现在想想其实看开点就不会被时间绑着

重点是有陪伴就是记忆和回忆

不是去哪里的问题也不是开不开心的问题

不管是开心还是不开心都是好的

开心的拿来怀念不开心还是回忆当做体验和学习

去哪里都是回忆就算在新加坡也是

真的要多想想自己

就算有孩子也是

不然孩子会觉得亏欠你而遭成压力

陪伴也不在于花多长多短的时间

只要有陪伴就是好的

因为就算人不在了回忆也还在

会庆幸我有陪伴过没留遗憾就足够了

所以每一天只要过的了良心

关心人就关心不生闷气更不口是心非

不做或说会后悔的事就行

人是人都会放错

学习不再犯就好学习改进做更好有进步就行

如果能一直做的最好就不是人而是神

所以不要给自己太多压力

不要给自己太多的要求也不强求别人

今年我要做的事

第一开心的对自己好

第二礼尚往来的对待真诚有心人

第三礼貌与尊重的对待平人

第四不理睬平静的对待诋人

第五不受委屈和远离的对待恶人

Cant sleep

Cant sleep again today. Dont know why. I only morning drank a cup of tea. Just now felt tired keep yawning. But after suddenly so awake. Keep thinking about work. All the role and responsibility is so annoying. 

No clear role and responsibility. On top of that management is so relax and not strict. Decision drag so long to make. Operations cant proceed properly makes me on edge. Dont know why I care so much for. Not like the company is mine. But just annoyed having things left undone. Especially when is decisions i cant control but affect my work. 

Anyway as long as got money can liao lo. Sometimes I feel why let myself bother myself. 😆 Dont need to be everything perfect. If ppl drag just let it drag. Every single day pass doing nth is also money. So why so harsh on myself. Sometimes caring too much also is a problem. Need to stop myself from caring and thinking too much about others. Focus more for myself. 

都怪我太贪心

天慢慢长心突然凉

有些事越想越伤

锁上了门关上了灯

越想你心就越疼

眼哭肿了泪流干了

你的态度太明显

是我太笨也拎不清

其实我没那种命

都怪我太天真太贪心

想和你有结局 没看清自己

都怪我放不下不甘心

动了情不死心还不肯放弃

最后我被辜负被欺骗

伤了心丢了面还没有清醒

才明白他根本不在乎

拼了命留不住我无能为力

怪我太贪心

Analyzing

Cant sleep today due to drinking coffee too late. 

Had a good time today spending time with my cousins. Even though I was working we still enjoyed together going to cat cafe, playing board games eat dessert, hotpot etc. 

Cant sleep so I started analyzing about work. Going to have a 1-1 meeting with my cfo. Last year I only talk about personal stuff cause I am still new. This year I wanted to talk more about work related. I realize my cfo wasnt the one interview me. So I think she doesnt know much about me. So thinking I could share about work experience first. Then ask about her feedback

Most of the time feedback is from my boss. I am not very sure how the communication is done in between. So it is best to reduce expectation gap. Also to feedback what I have about the company. Lack of clear roles and responsibility. Lack of accountability and individual department data accuracy. Lack of scope definition between accounting and analysis team. Always taichi around. 

Then is analyzing relationship. Communication break down has always been an annoying issue. Is never about the small gritty things that are annoying. Is always thing way beyond that that people dont think and ask themselves. Self reflect about what we are saying and talking. Why are we angry at certain things,  how do we prevent from being angry about it? 

Most of the time anger comes from unappreciation. But whenever we speak, it always started out from complain instead of saying what we actually need. We are use to complaining without understanding the cause of those complain. Why do we complain? Why are we angry? Is it really because of the person is late or because of unappreciation? 

I used to be angry whenever my friends are late. Even if she make me wait 5 min. This is due to my mum. Easily angered whenever I am late. Whole day she will be nagging and angry and causes the entire mood for that day to be gone. I hated that. I rmb having this enlightenment sometime back when I ask Dor if principles are important? This enlightenment also comes from my cousin's suicide which I feel I didnt spend enough time connecting with him before he passed. 

Because of that I actually learn to cherish time more with ppl around me. I rmb being angry at dor always when she uses her phone when with me or uses her laptop or continue to work when with me. Now I no longer get angry with that. Because I appreciate her spending time. As we grow older we really have more responsibility and time run short each sec. If she is setting time aside to spend time with you shows your importance and that is what matters. 

Sometimes it is important to prioritize things in life. Like time, money, principles etc. Nitty gritty things dont matter when you die. Of course we choose the person we want to spend time with. Happy optimistic ppl and we always have to self reflect on ourselves. We want to be with happy optimistic ppl, others will also only want to spend time with u if you are happy and optimistic. The less we complains about each other and the less despise about each other, the less arguement and quarrels there are, the more care, concern, happiness and optimistic we get.  

Growing together is easier said than done. Because we have to keep influencing, helping, understanding and encouraging each other. Is keeping arguments less competitive between each other, nv giving up communication even when it is hard, prioritizing if your anger is important compared to your goals and more collaboration, tolerance and patience to help keep emotions stable in order to have more effective communication. 

Timing holds a very critical role in effective communication. Because when a person is angry, upset etc, emotions are uptight. It means it is not a good time to do explanation or complaints. Is always a good time to just listen, give in and agree. When the person is more calm then can restart discussion about complaints and explanation. Follow by needs and solutions. 

It is easy for us to influence by bad emotions and bad mood and is harder to stay calm and stable when bad emotions and bad mood surface. Happy mood on the other hand is not that easier to be influence and have to start with self hypnosis and self mindset adjustment. Happiness comes from self which you cant expect it from others. But you can always avoid giving ppl bad emotions and bad moods. You cant control others but you can always change own mindset and control self.

Emotional stable is never about how you can dont get angry, upset etc at people. Because we are all human and human have emotions. It is a part of us and in our genes and dna. Every living things has emotions. Emotional stable is when we are intelligent and we know how to manage these emotions and not make rash decisions with these emotions. Is about reducing time being controlled by these emotions and knowing how to calm down quickly with a clear mind to analyze and resolves issues. 

Like the saying goes, no point crying over spilled milk. No point keep harping on something that has already happen. Instead of complaining and controlling what others did, think what can be done because you can only control yourself. 

Peace

No cries and no tears anymore

I have already been in peace with the outcome. 

Prepared myself for it for the past few months 

Because I know. Perfunctory dont last. Only sincerity does. Words dont last until actions can prove that it last. Actions works both ways to prove sincerity or insincerity. 

Once Actions prove insincerity first, prove it twice. Only with determination and perseverance can it be stopped the third time to prove as a fact. And when insincerity becomes a fact, trust and faith is broken. Restoring trust and faith is almost impossible. 

Ppl with that kind of determination and perseverance to break the cycle is motivation. I know even for myself I dont have that kind of determination and perseverance. My determination and perseverance worked only when I see consistent and constant sincerity. If I see consistent insincerity, then my decision just becomes more vivid. Words are nth without actions. So actions prove it all. Good or bad. 

Talking and saying is also an action. When words does not equal to actions is perfunctory. Perfunctory is insincere and disrespectful. And perfunctory is a lie as it causes more harm to a relationship than good. It can create false happiness temporarily. In the long run this false happiness will crumble. Because time will prove truth. 

Some things can tolerate then tolerate dont even need to say. As an adult eq is very important. When to say the right thing. It is a knowledge and skill to learn. When you say things at the wrong time, you dont get things you wanted and you cause more hurt, conflict and tension in a relationship. And when consequences comes we cant blame anyone else but ourselves. Words cant be withdrawn and only thing that can be done after hurting someone is to try the best to make amend. 

If a person cant even make amend for his/her own mistake then the person is simply just irresponsible. My goal of keeping myself calm and peace is to stay away from irresponsible person. Who can blame entire world except for themselves. 

Bad memories

Thinking about bad memories again. From current and from past relationship. I dont know what I doing once again. It feels like another mistake waiting to happen. 

I feel like I no longer have faith in having a relationship. People tell me time will pass and years down the road you will not feel the same. But I know myself better. When my heart align with my brain and decide to give up on something usually I dont turn back and I nv regret. My decision will not change. But if my brain cant align with my heart, my heart just gets shut down and my brain move on to reach my end goals.

In my life there is no second chances to my heart. Once an irreversible mistake has been made it is almost impossible to change. My brain gave a person second chance the last time and I got myself years of regret. Can forgive but I can nv forget. Sometimes Im annoyed why I can rmb bad memories in so much details but I cant rmb the good. 

This second chance that my brain is giving is a gamble once again. And I prefer being risk adverse. But if I dont take this risk, I cant reach my goal. People usually say follow your heart. My heart in this case is asking me to leave. Because my heart is disappointed. My heart didnt want to find anymore. My brain is telling my heart to stay because my brain know my heart still yearn for a companion and my brain is lazy to find another. 

But every now and then my heart will just feel pain and hurting. And when it does, it is always full of of pain and then it just pain till it shut off and feel nth. I feel like my heart just wanted to to remain painful sometimes and be a constant reminder to my brain every once in a while. My heart is punishing with my brain for not listening to it everytime. 

My brain on the other hand is forcing my heart to heal now immediately and move on. My brain is so stubborn and keep insisting even if u feel it will not chamge the result. But my heart feels otherwise. My brain knows what I want as my end goal and is pushing for that result. My brain doesnt want me to give up and is willing to sacrifice what I need including my feelings to get there. 

I make that mistake listening to my brain previously. Focusing too much on my goal and neglecting my own feelings and by the time I realize it cause so much damage to my heart to believe and trust and repair back. Im not sure how much more damage my heart can take before it breaks down feeling for anything. Heart can't align with brain, brain dont listen,  heart shuts down, causing emotions to keep piling and when brain got overwhelming,  forces heart to open. All emotions starts flooding in, crushing and making damage. Then heart start finding, while building walls higher to maintain the undamaged and repair. When heart becomes disappointed, heart give up, brain refuse. Both cant align again and the cycle starts

Heart use to have empathy, kindness and care. Now it just has more hatred, anger and frustration. I can already feel that wall building even higher than previous. My brain is forcing it down so that my end goal can happen. My heart can feel happiness being in a relationship but it didnt have enough faith that it is going to be enough to heal instead it will just cause it to shut down totally. 

Looking back I realize what has cause my heart to open up and feel emotions and needs again. My daughter. Having my daughter make me feels emotions once again. She make me feel love once again which is why I can focus on my needs and feelings and move on for myself. She make me feel happy and she make me feel freedom once again. Because love doesnt need to be restricted. And with my tattoo as a reminder. I hope I don't neglect that part of my needs of my heart ever again.  

累

我累了

你喜欢作，喜欢沉默

那你就作死你自己

我不奉陪

我不想消耗我自己的平静来顾多一个小孩，还得不到同等的回报

等你哪天决定长大，决定付出，我只能说，不好意思我已不在

时间不为谁停留，在我给你机会请珍惜

在我一直尝试沟通时，请放下你的面子和固执跟我沟通

要是你为了幼稚的面子和固执放弃沟通，那就不怪我选择放弃停留

在我原意尝试时，我希望得来相同愿意尝试的付出

我没耐心更不愿等个选择封闭不付出不尝试的人

Story

Today one of my colleague share about her life story. Can understand how she become so strong at heart. I agree with her completely. Emotional torture are the hardest to recover from and what she went through is really unjust. But she is still very optimistic. 

All the divorce, the debt give by her ex, the abuse given etc are all lessons to be learn. Is also a contentment to me. Because there are always ppl who been through worse. She fight for herself independently. Supported herself independently. The ppl she met cause her mistrust with other ppl. Is hard to find someone sincere with the current society. So let fate decides. 

Sit around and watch show from a wider view. Experiences make you stronger each time. Makes you more independent. Being kind to a unworthy person is being cruel to yourself. So moral of story stay happy and do what you want to. Accommodating and sacrifice always comes with a price. Make sure when you decide to willingly take that risk, u can face that consequence positively. 

Dont cause emotional stress to yourself. Take negativity with a pinch of salt. Of course not immediately let go but give time to relieve and think through. She say psychology helps which I agree. It helps to understand yourself better to make a "well informed decision". Also learned that from my ex boss.  

Annoyance

Last night woke up feeling super annoyed and couldnt sleep. Not sure why but was super pissed off that I couldnt sleep and this lack of sleep is causing dizziness during the day. Tried my best to sleep but still couldnt and this got me annoyed for the past few days. 

Originally I thought it was the temperature. My body just warmed up super easily even though the room is cooling. Only my back was warm the rest was cold. Neither covering nor not covering blanket was comforting and causes more annoyance. I ate well with balance diet and just wanted to get my sleep back on track. 

After some time of flipping in annoyance, suddenly I became very peaceful. Super calm. Like something just wipes my annoyance away. It was comforting and I fell back asleep rather quickly. 

It has been hard to go to sleep on and off and I dont know why. This keeps annoying me for the past few years. I have no problems recently. Everything is on track but still feeling the difficulty to sleep. My body is constantly on a fight or flight mode. Every single time when I was about to drift to sleep, my body shock myself awake. This survival mode is annoying and I dont even know why Im in this mode. 

Since after having a kid this mode became part of my life. I can understand how and why it happen as I use to worry for my daughter even when Im asleep. But now Im not even with her. I dont understand why it is still happening. And it just happens every now and then. I just wanted to get back to normal. Can this stupid survival mode be off? Also I dont want to be relying on medication to make myself sleep. Even with medication it only last like 2 hours and I will be awake again. 

Anyway, hope tonight can be a peaceful night. 

News

Congrats to my 2 friends who have given birth. 

Welcome to motherhood and I hope you enjoy your motherhood. 

Condolences to my friend for her loss of her love one. Take care. 

Life is so full of contradiction. Life and death happening both at the same time on daily basis. 

Few more days to my cousin 3 years death anniversary. Hope you are happy in another world with no pain, no worry, no fighting to do and at peace. I miss you so much and I still find it a bit hard to accept you have left this world. 

If only I understand the signs earlier maybe you will still with us now celebrating our ah ma's birthday and your own birthday. 

Rest in peace knowing that we are all still healthy and well. Ah ma is still healthy and capable of taking care of herself. She is still travelling and enjoying her life to the fullest. Your mum, siblings, nieces and nephews are also happy and healthy. 

Hope you have reunite with ah gong, ur gong gong and father. Please scold ah gong for me and ask him to give us blessing and protection. That much he owe it to us. Be happy up there all of you till we meet again. 

Ps: Please dont take anyone anymore until they reach 100 yo. You all have enough company. You maybe facepalming but please give clearer signs cause Im too dumb. 🙏  Thank you.

时间到

给自己发泄情绪的时间到了。虽然花了多一天的时间但也想通了。为了自我而放弃感情的人就是不在乎感情所以没必要留恋。反正不担心我们会不会走散更不担心我的感受。都是成年人，会说分手的时候就表示已经决定好了。你没有了跟我一起决心走下去的坚持，恒心和耐心。更没有对待我们感情之间的尊重和态度。

能为了小事说分手代表了你的选择。而我也就尊重你的决定。对待感情轻浮又随便。在你世界里我显然不重要那在我世界里你不该有个位子。你可以过你想要的生活我也会继续走我该走的路。时间不等人。愿意陪我的人我珍惜，决定离开的人我不会挽留。机会我给过了遗憾我也没有

Keep things quiet

 It is not in my nature to keep things quiet. But I also dont want to the bad person to break the news and cause distrust in a happy relationship. Be it a good or bad relationship. If the person is happy without knowing the truth why not let her be happy even when it is false truth. As long as the truth is nv found.

Maybe the girl already know but pretend not to. Maybe the guy is really just looking for what he wants and will stop lying after he got what he wants. Lying in a relationship is wrong. But who am I to judge a person's action? Breaking someone's happiness seems to be wrong to me too. And will you feel happy living is false happiness created by someone?

If this is me in the past, I would have done it. Inform the girl. Protect the girl. But now, Im having second thoughts about it. It's so against my principles and so frustrating. Why let me know about it of all people? Maybe someone else has already told her. Im probably not the only one that knows about it.

Hai. Let it sink and let me think about it. Dont do what u dont want others to do to u. And do what u think u should is right are always my morals. 

Give communication

Why do people likes to give up communication? Is so frustrating and contradicting. Want to have something at the same time afraid when you have it. Start pushing special things that appear in your life then start complain why you dont have it. 

Saying you have trust on relationship is easy. But do you really have that trust? If you are afraid to even speak up about anything to your partner then where is the trust and where is the faith that your partner will understand you in time? 

He/She may not understand your actions now at this moment but keep being open minded to explain yourself. Be consistent to the actions you do if you think you did right for him/her unless she/he say is hurtful. The more you explain, the more he/he can understands you, the stronger the relationship. 

Keeping quiet, not being transparent is very bad for a relationship. Then people start complaining how they cant find a connection. How they cant talk to their partner. How their partner dont care for them. How their partner dont understand them. You dont take that risk to find a connection. Speaking up feeling can cause many emotions. Anger, sadness, happiness, embarassment, fear of rejection, fear of being misunderstand etc. Accept all of those emotions. So what if the person misunderstand you. Time will let the person see the truth. All these emotions shouldnt be the one stopping you from being transparent to your partner. The least you can do to be responsible for your relationships when being in the relationship is to explain your stand not in hope that the person understand you immediately or know you without you saying. But to hope in the long run the understanding for each other will deepens and become more perfect. 

默契是靠长久磨合和沟通出来的 不是天掉下来的

For certain reasons, you just not willing to risk putting your feelings out in the open. Discuss it together with your partner. Explain what hurts you, what doesnt hurts you. Respect and understand things do get hurt and just stop doing those things that hurt your love one. Hurting a person is not a valid reason why you choose to leave that person. When you dont understand a person well, hurting the person is inevitable. Is how people adjust themselves to accomodate each other. When the person tell you, you are hurting her, understand what is and just stop those actions or words. Not avoid, not run away. But owe up that yes you have hurt her. What you can do to stop that. 

Whatever trauma u have from the past remains in the past. Start again. Start afresh with open mind that your future person you meet will not be the same as previous. Give a chance and give faith for yourself. Have some confidence and less self doubt. 

Another thing is to listen, willingness to understand and accept. Listen when your partner is telling you his/her feeling. Understand where those feelings are coming from. Accept those emotions that comes with it with a pinch of salt. Always remember those feelings are from the past not present. She/he is just remembering past when she/he is explaining to you. Why she/he is feeling this. Because of the actions you did or words you say reminds them of the past. Then remembering those actions and words when she/he explained, adjust them and stop doing them. Dont direct those emotions to yourself and then put the blame to them for telling you their feelings.

And that is how you get the happiness and the strong connection you want to have. Work for it if it is what you want to have and you will then deserve to have what you have in your life. 

情绪消耗完毕后

发泄完所有的情绪后就完事了。

给自己最多1星期时间

然后就是振作的时候

工作做好。努力赚钱

每天早睡。11点前就睡

吃的好。水果蔬菜不能少

调理身体。喝补汤

健身健康。跳华族舞

加油 加油 加油

安排好的未来在等着

不真诚不疼爱我的人远离也不待见

I miss the guy

I miss the guy who has eyes for me. Miss the guy that is kind hearted. The guy that will smile whenever he sees me. Willing to do anything for me. Cares for me and willing to solve every problem with me. 

I also miss the guy who has very good patience and good attitude. The guy who always encourage me and willing to accept me for who I am. I miss the guy who always treat me gently. 

I also miss the guy that is always soft spoken to me, decisive and willing to listen to my every story no matter the story is happy, sad or angry.

I miss the guy that can comfort me, give me a hug when I need. Fetch me in order to spend more time with me. 

I miss the guy that was once only mine and only put me priority. 

But now, I lost that guy to someone I cant fight with. I lost the fight to someone who is by his side longer than me. Someone who has more influence than me. Someone I cant fight against and have no chance of winning. lost that guy that used to be so kind hearted and so patient and im upset that there is nth I can do to recover him or us back to how we use to be.

Goodbye

Is time to say goodbye. Telling myself there is nth to be sad about. I tried my best at this chance given and is time to say goodbye. There is no need to stay with someone unworthy of my time and effort. Relationship goes both ways. If he is not willing to try already proves that you are not worth his effort. 

When something is making you worse than before it is time to take a step back to analyze. If all you have is words and no actions they are all just excuses. Actions speak louder than words. Everything I hear is only excuses and complaints. 

There is no such thing as things take time. I only believe in willingness to try and I only see actions. Words doesnt count when there is no actions and no result to prove. I did my part to try. If there is no effort put in by both parties and only complaints remains then there is nth worth in staying in the the relationship for. I dont care how much you earn, how much you have. I can dont care about anything to stay by your side. However, I have basic expectation of my partner. There must be integrity, loyalty, commitment and most importantly responsibility and sincerity, if those are not there, then you no longer have anything worth for me to fight for. If you not sincere to be with me, then leave. I dont need someone to be there for convenience. 

If you cant accept who I am and who I have with me then you are not the one for me. Same thing. I cant accept when you dont hold up to my expectation. You can have all the complaints and explanation on how you cant do everything. To me is all the same. You are either in it with me or excluded. You either do it or you dont. There is no negotiation. If you need to nego what to accept of me it shows Im not important or worth for u to put me in your life. Then neither are you to me. 

Dont need tell me what your mum says or what your mum thinks. I dont care and I cant be bothered. If you think like her and you agree with her then go with her choice. Go with the person she pick for you. If I cant be compared with whoever you have in you mind. Then go wait for whoever you have in your mind. Believe what she say since she is your mum. As your mum, she knows what's best for you anyway. Whatever she say is the best for you.

If you cant be there for me in everything and if you cant fight for me for anything means Im not the one you want to be with. In my relationship, there can only be loyalty and commitment. If I have chosen you to be my partner, I expect the same royalty and commitment from my partner. My partner must be decisive and determined enough to choose me. And I will be there to go through thick and thin with him. If my partner is still sitting on the fence, just enjoying the benefits while rejecting all the negativities that comes with it after a period of time I think the answer is clear. I will only be with someone who can appreciate me, understand me and put me as first priority

Injustice

Feeling so injustice in current state. People can hurt you mentally and emotionally and there is no way in legal law to help. 

But when you take physical actions to protect yourself, you are committing criminal offence. Can sort of understand how helpless a person can be when it comes to family law and civil law. 

Learned criminal law and civil law but nv really been in that kind of situation in order to understand. Now I do. 

Civil law protect you by financial. The bigger amount of money you have, the more possibility you win the case and you can keep appealing. Not sure if civil law also more bias to elderly and kids. But if you want to fight for it, you use money. Not sure if it is really fair and justice in that sense. Most of unethical ways ppl do can only be pursue by civil law and not by criminal law. With this, I feel it is already unjustified. Criminal law protect by government. Automatically protect you from it. If you look into it. You will understand elderly and kids are protected by government automatically. But not adult. Kids have protection because they are young and naive. Elderly are protected because they are consider weak. 

Woman are protected by civil law as they are considered weaker. But because it is not criminal law, a lot of unjustice can happen. Whoever stay in the protection of the court has the power to misuse it. Most commonly seen or feel are elderly nowadays. 

In singapore, elderly are nv weak. Seen a lot of cases of elderly treating themselves like a king or queen and using this elderly privilege given by the government to support their unreasonable actions. Adults are helpless against the situation because once we fight back physically, you are the ones being charge criminal offence. 

Disabled privileges are also more common nowadays. Entitled and well protected by government.  Humans are humans. When they at the good side of biases, they tend to take advantage of it, using it's power to bully other people. 

My generations are the worst. We are always at the disadvantage side. Especially woman. I feel woman tend to be at the weaker end not just physical but also emotionally. Both inbuilt and cant be changed. We are not physical more muscled or emotionally strong. Woman are bullied and abuse through generation by man. Man instill these power and women agree to it. Brainwash and guilt trip by man to do as he says. 

Then these women become the next generation bullies. Feeling unjust and mentally insane, they have give birth to their own kids which give them this entitled sense of owning the kids and abusing their parenting rights and control over kids. Using the same technique as the man to bully and abuse their kids. Controlling them by guilt tripping and brainwashing their minds. With education, kids are no longer controllable as they learn new things, understanding and differentiating right and wrong. 

These kids that are abused also use the same way to abuse either their peers and eventually grow up and start abusing their partners. It is like a cycle. Brainwashing and controlling their partners. Certain things stop with education but not all things can be stop through education and it takes a lot of time to reduce that toxic influence. It is also social norm etc that affects it and with human rights in place. Most things like abuse are more seen into the light. 

Physical abuse is physically hurt etc which can be proven. But emotionally and mental abuse are harder and it can impact a person in ways you can ever imagine. All these impact are unseenable and unmeasurable. Only the perpetrator will understand. They know how it impacts you and they know how to play with your feelings. 

Worse is those perpetrators are protected by the law. The only way to get them is when you have money to burn at civil court. As long as they dont do anything physcial, there is nth the court can do. Unless you are diagnose with depression or mental illness, you may win the case. But it may affect if you have a child to fight for. 

This power they get from you and government are encouraging them to do more to hurt ppl and victimize themselves. 

Condition

Find a partner must find one that 

- Eager to learn to understand you. 

- Eager to listen and understand you.

- Wants to help you solve your issues and problems

- Dont want to see you troubled or upset

- Dont fight against you no matter what content you are arguing or debating about

- Practical and able to split between problems and emotions management

- Mature and doesnt go for petty fights and spiteful revenge

- Doesnt use what you dont like to provoke you or do purposely what you dont like without caring for ur feelings to make a point

- Mature enough to communicate and discuss feelings instead of using actions purposely to hurt ppl.

- Doesnt fight you because of others

Courage

Courage to love, courage to give up, courage to fight back.

Everything you do need courage. Everything you decide need courage. Just how serious each consequences will be. But in life dont look back. Move on. Looking back only helps if you want to correct a reversible mistake. But not a major one.

What's done is done. Looking back will not change your present. But it helps you make a more informed decision for future. It also will deter you to be have courage to repeat what you fall down at. Whether is it good or bad takes time to show. 

Ppl always say make mistakes and start anew. Minor mistakes are fine. They dont interfere with your life. But major mistakes are irreversible. So whatever u decide always think about the future. Is that what u want to live with for the rest of ur life. 

Whatever you believe may bite you when it falls. So believe with a benefit of doubt so that when things happen, you have courage and an escape route. Dont get stuck in situation you cant pull yourself out with. 

But whatever you decide is whatever u have took courage to do and that is good enough to move on. If you cant decide with time constraints then be prepared for both success and failure. For now I dont want any changes to my current life. Stay on course is the action I want to take. 

If there is a need to change nobody will be able to tell me except myself. I determine when I need to change my path. And only I can determine whether I should give another chance. 

If I feel there isnt a need to, then there isnt a need. I live the life I want to live and be free the way I want it to be. If there is someone prove importance for me to change my path, that is when I make my decision. And for that time will tell so. 

Nobody will walk the path I walk and is impossible to make someone hold responsible for my life. So I listen only to my heart and brain. Time will tell if it is of importance and I let time say. 

伤人心的话

爱你的人是不会说伤你心的话

如果自己心情不好还是累了，被你刺激到就每次说伤你心的话，那样还算爱吗？

吵架不累，累得是跟固执的人吵

明知道错了却死不承认

明知道哄就可以好却偏要闹

为什么每一次要等人家生气了才收敛自己说的话

为什么要等到道歉的时候才忍着闭嘴

我又不是来受委屈的 为啥要听你埋怨我

解决问题不是解决我。

当你开始埋怨我，那就不是在解决问题

Sadness

Sadness hit when u are usually alone. Miss the days when I was younger. Happier. When u are younger u know less things. That why ppl say ignorance is bliss. Play with friends and work part time is to past time. Now work is to survive and having a better retirement. 

Nth in life can trouble me except life and death. I cannot imagine not seeing someone I love or care about for the rest of my life. I dont really understand my own concept sometimes.

You dont even see them often. However Not seeing them but knowing they are well living is one thing. Knowing they are not living is another thing. Living is always better than not living. Maybe not living to me just feels like a suffering or just a fear. 

Maybe if I know is peaceful death im not that affected. Means the person is at peace. But if it is accident or a torture death I just cant imagine. Peaceful death to me means u die in your sleep. Like a nice dream or just nth. But accident or torture death means u die with agony. Is like a forever torture in repeat. 

Maybe that is my concept that why is hard to keep it calm and get over it. Just cant help to keep thinking how helpless it is and painful it feel at that moment. 

Is it more suffering for the living or more suffering for the non living? Is being heartless better or being more kind better. The ability to be empathetic is it a good thing or bad? Being heartless u feel nth for no one. Which is good as keeps u happier. Whereas Being empathetic means u feel pain for others which feels bad or sad. 

Nobody likes to feel overwhelmed with sadness always. If not because they cant pull themselves out. The worse is knowing u are in deep shit but u just cannot allow urself to escape. U see the door just there u just need to make the move to open it but u just cant do it. 

Else is when u know there is a pit and u just realize u are being pulled into the pit. U want out but u cant due to certain pressure. 

Another feeling is being a side person. U know what will happen, but u cant stop things from moving towards the bad situation.

Life is like a cycle a path that everyone follows through. But being what kind of person is a choice. Pressure and influences can be from everywhere. But the choice is still yours to choose. The path is still yours to take. The consequences is still yours to bear. 

护着

看到他护着我的时候我很开心

有个人为我挺身而出的感觉我都快忘了

有机会让自己做个小孩被呵护的感觉真好

这几天我都很开心

有你的陪伴，带我去游乐园，陪我吃我要吃的好幸福

有个人在你需要的时候主动帮你安排好

像你说的做个公主出行就好

不带脑子也可以 ❤️❤️

人品

人品好的人不只要懂得控制情绪更是行为

A good character knows how to control not just emotions but also behavior

1. 不在嫉妒的时候贬低, 而在羡慕里学习

Dont belittle when you are jealous，learn when you envy

2. 不在生气的时候背板, 而在愤怒里明白

Dont betray when you are angry，understand the anger

3. 不在伤心的时候挖苦, 而在悲伤里变强

Dont insult when you are upset, accept your sorrow

4. 不在强大的时候嫌弃, 而在强大里帮助

Dont look up when you are strong，bring up when you are capable

5. 不在判断的时候加害, 而在评论里无动

Dont harm when you are judgemental，stay indifferent in negativity 

6. 不在善良的时候怜悯，而在邪恶里选择

Dont pity when you are kind, choose to be kind

Laziness

Laziness can have a detrimental effect on our life. It derail your life slowly without you realizing. Whether be it work, relationship or family. All these takes effort and time. Without effort or time put in to maintain, things can go haywire before you know it.

Many people do not realize that laziness is what stopping us from moving on. We blame each other, blame the society, blame the world. But end of the day, we forgot to self reflect and ask ourselves, did you put in your 100% in order to get the result you expected? And when you fail, what have you done wrong, what should you do right? is there any other method or options that you can turn to to improve the chances of success or for the result you wanted?

Most of the time the answer would be no. Because we are too used to being comfortable in our current state that we forgot that success takes effort and time. You need practice and continuous trying. Nobody succeed directly with just one try. As we grow older, we have experiences. With these experiences in mind, we often become overconfident and fail to see the need to change to improve and be better. 

We put in little effort in hope for higher expectations. The world is always fair. You only get what you deserve. If you decide to be lazy to maintain relationship, improve to achieve results or learn something new at work. Then dont blame why the world is unfair that people are earning more than you or why your partner is leaving you. 

Also failure isnt the end to your life. If you fail, you learn something useful for your next try. One method doesnt work for all. But continuous improvement will increase the chances of you succeeding. After you succeed it also doesnt mean is the end. Maintaining the success which is sustainability is what continuous hard work is about.  

You can give yourself a rest and a pat on the back every now and then. But never put yourself in a overly relax and lazy mood. Never be too overconfident with yourself. Because things will change slowly, little by little, bit by bit. You will not notice it because the changes are insignificant and you were busy enjoying. You will only realize it when the bits and little adds up into a drastic change that hits you. 

That when people will start blaming others than themselves. But when you look back and analyze, you will realize the problem or the decision made always comes from within you. If it is a decision made wrong, understand the mistake, accept the consequences, remember it and move on. If it is a problem, identify, analyze, resolve it, remember it and move on. 

Always keep moving on. The past is only for you to understand and remember the good and bad in your life. The future is what you need to bet on with the experiences you gain and increased probability. Afraid to fail and you will never succeed. Be contented and appreciate what you have and still be ambitious to increase what you have. Never forget that whatever good u have comes from your own success too. And whatever bad comes from your own decision and problems to work on. 

Busybody

Busybody acts up again. Asking ppl to return his luggage that he originally say he didnt want. Said he bought new ones. Then start complaining about where I bring Ashley out. Say my time with Ashley cant stay at his house. Blah blah blah. I say u nth better to do, go talk to lawyers. Dont keep finding trouble with me. 

Was complaining to J also about this. He tried to cheer me up in the morning. So annoyed with this kind of ppl. Nice to me I can be nice to u. But find trouble and being nasty to me, im not a weak kitty also. Got ability go earn more money. Dont use this kind of petty stupid things to make yourself feel better. Such stupidity. Some ppl nv grow up. Childishness can be engrave in the bones. 

什么最重要

什么最重要呢？

永远支持你 不管你做什么 

吵架时愿意明白理解你 从不干扰自由

愿意妥协你 愿意听你诉苦

愿意接受你的一切

不管你怎么无理取闹 都愿意陪你

不管你怎么诉苦 都会站你这边

先顾及你的感受 后跟你说对错

愿意记得你说的一切 不重复犯错

愿意了解并记得你的喜好习惯

总会有人

总会有人看你比自己更重要

对的人 总是会迟到

就当作命运开的玩笑

不是你的就别再勉强

是你的想跑也跑不掉

总会有人 把你看得比自己更重要

会有人 发现你身上所有的好

总会有人 拥抱你微笑背后的伤

让你觉得世界不算糟

总会有人 放弃所有也不把你丢掉

会有人 在你身边就引以为豪

总会有人 想借你的肩膀来依靠

让你觉得自己也会被人需要

Cant sleep

Recently cant sleep again. Super annoyed. Had a little quarrel. Sometimes I think to myself if I am asking too much or I am just too tired. I know nobody is perfect. But sometimes I just ask myself. Why am I tolerating all these when I can be free at my own house. No need to care what I buy. No need to ask someone for permission when I buying something. Can have all the inconvenience I want in my house. Or worse when someone just say no without explaining. I'm tired of asking and needing to push someone for a reason for why no. 

Why no? just no. Why just no? Im annoyed. is it that difficult to explain? Is it that difficult to coax? Maybe I just need some time myself to unwind. Annoyed needing to entertain an aunty who is totally unrelated to me. Expecting and expecting stupid things from me. Hello. Im just a normal girl. dont have ridiculous expectations of me. Im not your daughter in law. I really pity the person who become your daughter in law must be damn unlucky to have you as mother in law. yea right. Im staying at your place but still is for the sake for your child. Actually I can hack care that much right? Since my feelings doesn't matter. 

The only thing I am staying here for is to have more time together. But since it doesn't seem to matter that Im upset or angry then what for I actually care if we have more time together? I dont even know what I am angry about now. Is it the fact that I am staying with inconvenience? Tolerating? or it is that my feelings wont cared for? Or maybe is all. Let's deal with it one at a time. Staying with inconvenience and tolerating, easy to solve. Feelings not cared for requires communication. Let's see how we can communicate. 

Splurging

These few days been splurging again. Looks like I have to cut my travel budget in this way else I will not be able to reach my saving goals from the way I spend money. With hormones changes, cravings too. 

In future when Im moving to new office expenses on food will probably increase. Though it isn't much cheaper at great world also. Average meals a day is about $6-7. Dinner will be more expensive. Hmm got time need to double check how much do I actually spend on food. 

Today my boss was saying about black filling are already Mercury which means I ate small amount of mercury everyday. Got to remove and change. Looks like I have to research more on it. Everyday now Im looking at how to renovate all new house in the future. 

In the past I often think about getting bigger house. The bigger the house the better. Was considering a 3 room flat. Nowadays I am reconsidering this concept. Maybe it is good I just get a smaller house and build up my saving for retirement. Just buy from hdb bto then to pay extra to overhyped flat prices and loans.

Then I get target to aim for the brs as well. Earn more interest from govt with higher interest in cpf. Or should I target from rental. I wonder which is more worth planning. When I have time I should plan and see. 

心情不好

 这两天心情不好。两个受伤的人可能会有结果吗？过去有这么容易放下吗？一个人需要多久去了解呢？有时我在想是要求太高还是不适合的太多。为什么人总是可以说一套做一套呢？心里明明就不信任却要当好人去隐瞒结果闹的大家都不愉快。

在利益面前说感情是不是有点可笑？然后又要在感情面前说现实。有时我都觉得很可笑。有的人就是很奇怪在有利面前，就说感情。而在无利面前，就说现实。人都是自私的嘛。又要求对方爱你又害怕受伤害又计较又不愿付出。而我最不喜欢的就是这样。如果只希望一方面的付出那就不要谈恋爱。

有时候真的不可以有期待。因为期待越大失望就会变得越多。而有的人就是喜欢为了利益说一堆无心的话。现实往往让我往后站一些。看清了在说话。我喜欢听好听的话更喜欢看到实际的行动。而我不喜欢听影响我心情难听的话。而有的话要来自心才有诚意而这些心里话不说出口就完全没有意义。

我不喜欢口是心非的话也不喜欢难听贬低人的话。我还是喜欢有本事却很谦虚的人。我不会说自己有多好只求真心能遇真心而诚意能被珍惜。人最怕的就是在还没有尝试之前就被自己的恐惧害死。而在自己没有勇气里面愿天愿地唯独不愿自己。更在口是心非里面自我感动感觉良好

2024

Just realize that I didnt write anything for the entire month of Dec. It just prove that Dec has always been a very busy month. Full of celebrations. 

2023 has been a very eventful year for me. 2 of my friends got married in this year. Im happy that they found a partner that they have faith to live their entire life with. Someone that gives them confident to live life together. 

Busy with work

Recently a lot of work pending to clear. Audit, tax, balance sheet schedule. Now is month end also. Still got another entity audit reporting.

After finishing all these, I need to start doing next year tax to prevent last min overcrowding. Still got shopee and lazada interface issue to clear. 

Processes are being streamline. Things seems to be moving better to my expectations. Still having work life balance. Dec is here again. My most packed and money bleeding month of the year. This year additional wedding. 

Still wondering how should I be celebrating my birthday this year. 🤔 Dor should be celebrating with her hubby. 1st year staying together. Honeymoon period. Busy but happy. Cant imagine when she start having a baby. As long as she is prepared, at the least the mental is well prepared for. 

After Dec will be all the new year gathering and meetup liao. The standard gathering period. So busy at work, didnt even have the time to think about travelling. Usually every quarter i will be travelling. But this quarter I didnt. Next travel tentatively is in Mar. If I put another travel in jan will feel too close. Hmm. Then Feb is cny. Maybe should just stay in sg. Save cost. Since I spend too much on my freedom trip. 

Good to accumulate the leave also. This company has a different leave period and year end. Good to change. Not so packed at least. Is a good benefit cause Dec can be a travel time for me too since is no longer year end. Let's see how next year. Got to make sure spend within my budget. Save up enough. 

Judgemental and busybody

Some ppl are just so judgemental. Only concern about what others do but nv reflect on their own. Loves to insult and criticise others but nv look at their own behaviours and actions.

Loves to change their minds and decisions as and when they like. Selfish and only concern about their own well being. I feel selfish and self centered are 2 different things. 

Ppl can be self centered because you have to love yourself before you love others. The top priority is you yourself. Having things work around you first naturally is ok. Someone keep telling me doing things that convenient others are doing things that inconvenient yourself. When it comes to a decision to make where u have to choose to inconvenient others or yourself of course choose to inconvenient others.  

The other person is also being self centered by inconveniencing you. A person who is worth to accommodate for will also accommodate u in some other ways. So prioritize only ppl who are worth to you. 

Old school thinking of self sacrificing for the others etc nv worked. My mum didnt sacrifice to stay with my dad just for me. And I am happy she make that choice. Else we will all probably be living a super miserable life. Self sacrificing is stupid and if u make that decision to do that, then dont hold expectation to be grateful or to be returned. Nobody owe u or force u to make that self sacrifices and definitely not your kids. U choose to give birth to them. Not they choose to be alive. 

Having kids has to be purely out of love between u and your partner. The decision to have a kid has to come from you alone. Not because of life cycle, not because your partner wants it, not because need to pass down generation etc. Purely because u wanted it. Once u made that decision, then u will have given your kids the right start in life. Because u given birth out of love and nth else. 

I learn that when I was young. Nv sacrifice my own happiness for anyone. I make my own decisions and I deal with my own consequences. I make mistakes as I go along. Some mistakes are irreversible which I will just have to accept. We have to learn to control emotions and be objective to deal with consequences. It is hard but it is not impossible. 

Ppl can judge and criticise you all the time. And is ok. Leave them out of your life. Real friends and real love who care for u will not criticise you for your actions and decisions. They will not push every fault or mistake from their life to you. Stay away from such ppl because they will nv learn and their happiness depends on pulling u down to hell to join them. They are just narcissist who enjoys seeing ppl angry and suffering.

Therefore just ignore and leave those kind of ppl out. Surround yourself with ppl u trust and love u. Ppl who can keep up with your optimistic and happiness. Ppl who feel happy for u when u are happy. Ppl who are sincere and real. 

说话的方式

 有的人就是喜欢口是心非。明明为对方着想，却喜欢作。喜欢为了面子说难听的话。结果让误会大了却没法消除。自作自受。即时处理可能还有商量和好的余地，可是就喜欢吵架然后让对方心里不好受。让对方对自己产生误会，让对方自己解决委屈，让事情变的难堪无法收拾。对方选择离去，而自己只能接受。到头来输赢重要吗？面子重要吗？

人就是要放下面子懂得珍惜对方。愿意认输的人承认错误的人一向来我都比较敬佩。因为我知道没有几个人能这么做。而这需要勇气，需要责任感，更需要开朗的心，有上进心才做得到的事。吵架不是问题，说出不好的话只要不时常犯都是还有余地挽回。了解你的人是会在你真心抱歉后去理解原谅你。但不代表是你可以一直犯错。理解你是因为爱。你要珍惜。而不是不尊重的一直去调戏对方的底线。最重要的还是要懂得认错还要即时记住避免再犯。

很多人都误会了什么是上进心。不是说在爬着企业阶梯就是有上进心。而是要有开明的心去进步。是认知更多事去了解更多不一样三观的来源，去明白不同的性格，去感受理解不同的人，而用这些来调整自己让自己更好。对的方式要留着而错的要懂得改进。这才是上进心。要懂得接受别人的不一样。要懂得尊重别人的观点。即使你不同意也不要去侮辱更不要去批评试图改变。你只要接受说出自己的观点。点到就熄。

要明白原因才能明白为何做法不一样。但懂得不要去评判对方做的是否正确。有时正确是没有定义的。你不会做同样的决定那是因为你不活在她的世界里，没经历跟她一摸一样的事就不要做出评判。事事没有绝对。人的性格原本就不一样，家庭背景，等等都不一样也都是她用来做决定的方式。如果你经历了未必会选择比她好的对策。

人都是在经历中成长，没有谁比谁厉害。只有谁成长得快。自己跟自己比较，今天的自己比昨天的好就是上进心。

说话不要口是心非，不要故意伤害对方。让自己被误会，让对方难过。这对自己没有好处

时间，期盼，感受

时间一直在过，不为任何人停留。明天我的末人终于要回来啦。今天还真快乐认识了很多新朋友。一起野餐聊天。每个人的时间都不一样。今天有人结婚啦也有人今天离婚了。有人怀孕了也有人流产了。有的人不想结婚也有的人恨不得快点结婚。

每个人有自己的生活。每个人有应该走的路。所以不要把自己的梦想嫁祸于别人。也不要把自己觉得应该有的要求和期盼硬是逼着人家也一样。你可以有意见，但别人不一定要采纳。没有必要管人家怎么做。因为生活是人家的不是你的。你做你自己生活里的主角就行。你决定好你自己的生活就好。没有必要控制或强行别人的生活。意见必要的话说一次就足够。不对的人一次都不需要。要不然到头只有一肚子的埋怨和另一肚子的委屈。当别人没有问你意见时，就闭嘴。毕竟每个人说出来的都是埋怨罢了。又不是没有自己解决的能力。只不过是要一个听的人。需要意见时，是会问的。不问就是没必要。

很多时候都要好好沟通。要懂得说出自己的需求。要懂得了解自己的感受，也要懂得怎么表达自己的感受。让别人猜测就会有机会让自己失望生气。那又何必呢？要就必须说，说了才能得到。能快乐时就不要委屈。对的人在你委屈时，会替你心疼。不对的人在你委屈时，只会让你更心寒，变成自作自受。

女人和男人其实也没什么差别。真的只是需要多沟通自己的看法，多了解对方。今天我就看到了。女人埋怨时，说了一堆今天发生的事，就是在撒撒娇。希望的是被安慰，而男人就不明白。就因为不够甜的说，或不够善于表达，所以男人就说你说这些干嘛都过去了。女人当然就更伤心，也就不继续说了，而有时男人过后就说女人怎么不会撒娇。重点是戏才刚开始，就被你一波冷水熄灭了还怎么撒娇。如果男人懂得给多一点关心。是吗？今天那么辛苦哦。sayang女人一下。女人还能继续演，对咯要是有你在就好了。角色对换的话男人也需要发发牢骚撒个娇被女人安抚疼爱一下。而没得到期待的安慰反而会生气，埋怨对方为什么不了解自己。撒娇的开始就是从埋怨的说出自己今天受的委屈开始的。

有时真的要问问自己要表达的是什么？如果只需要安慰，就要说出口，必经谁的都不是谁肚子里的亏虫。了解是要从自己说出来的。除非你的另一半是个观察能力很强的人要不然怎么会知道。就算观察能力强的人也不会一直解读正确。一旦不正确，期盼就没有满足就会生气伤心，另一半就会一头雾水。在发生类似的情况还是会有一样的结果。与其让自己委屈，为何不说出来让对方了解做出你期盼的举动？ 

Self blame and self pity

Cant sleep. Did some psychology reading. Understand emotions is something I want to learn more on. Reading up on self blaming and self pity. Mostly related to emotional abuse and depression. It is true that family background can really cause some permanent damage. 

Recently been talking to my colleague. She's been talking about her sons. Older one is from previous marriage. More independent more mature. She feels that she does not need to worry that much about him. But then it is him that i feel need more attention and love. Younger one is more rebellious and cause more things for her to worry. 

Usually people who are more insecure are the ones who will do well and make u not worry. Because they are afraid if they dont do well, they will be left out. They do well to get into your good books. While ppl who are very secure are more rebellious and spoilt because they know no matter what negative emotions they give to u, u will not leave.

I dont really like using the one independent on a kid. A kid is a kid. Making mistakes etc is part of life. Kids who are so self concern, so independent are usually the ones who knows they can only depend on themselves when things go wrong. Is actually a very sad thing. Is like being force to grow up, force to mature when you are still young and should be in the age of enjoying childhood and life stage.

Self-blame is one of the most toxic forms of emotional abuse. It amplifies our perceived inadequacies, whether real or imagined, and paralyzes us before we can even begin to moe forward.

The key to resolve is self acceptance. Recognizing that we are perfect just the way we are and that perfection is stunningly imperfect. Humans are imperfect. We are not going to get it right every time. If we enter into each situation, relationship and moment with that perspective, rather than trying to interject the opposite, we create an opportunity for learning, introspection, self-discovery and, ultimately, personal evolution

Taking away the blame without taking away the responsibility keeps us accountable to ourselves and the world around us without setting us up for shame and devaluation.

Self-pity can make you feel like nothing ever goes your way, and so there’s no point in trying to solve your problems.

It’s an “energy suck.”

Reminding yourself that everyone struggles and has stress, you can help shift your perspective. You’re not the only one who faces problems each day.

If other people can overcome, there’s a chance you can, too. Self-pity becomes a negative thing because it maximizes the victim mentality. If you believe you hold the role of the victim, you are removing your power and personal responsibility. 

Self blaming make you too harsh on yourself. While self pity is like finding excuses or a solution out of self blaming. It seems like both can co-exist and this is an instinct and nature action taken by your brain to survive a emotional trauma. 

This process is tedious and as mention very emotional draining. Looking on bright side, being more optimistic, doing thingd you are good at and interested in does helps to get over the process faster. 

Practice mindfulness allow thoughts to come and go, without getting “stuck". When you practice mindfulness, thoughts of self-pity can surface, but you let them pass rather than allow yourself to dwell on them. Mindfulness lets you live in the moment and meet all thoughts with curiosity and openness.

Being stuck in Self pity is harmful for self esteem moving forward. Someone who sits in a perspective of self-pity is unable to take the opportunity to choose happiness because they’re instead choosing to focus on all that has gone wrong.

Coupling mindfulness with gratitude can help encourage a sense of contentment. Self-pity can be isolating and repel those who’d like to support you but at the same time external validation from others during self-pity can also create a vicious cycle.

You may have told yourself you deserved something negative, and loved ones offered you comfort. Now, to get that comfort again, you may be tempted to come to them with more negativity.

Identifying the sources of your stress briefly and being solution-focused instead of problem-focused can help you overcome challenges in life.

In conclusion, self pity and self blame can only be resolved by yourself. It's all in the mindset of your own. Validate yourself, accept yourself, acknowledge those feelings and then move on positively. 

感受未来的生活

 这次去欧洲旅游让我感受到我退休想要过的生活。自由自在不想为任何人也不想为钱绑着的生活。只要健康就行。这就是我的目标。一个人也好两个人更好。不再是个必需品。现在努力赚钱，将来旅游就是我的生活。海边的度假听海的平静是我想要的生活。曾今被动摇过在海边做工但钱不够没法一直维持我的梦想。还是努力赚够比较适合。对自己说加油。一直以来一直在努力幸苦了。就算被到败一刀你也果断了断了。就算是迟了也来得及即时阻损。

Back to Sg

Life is back to the usual working life. Mon-fri work. Found a job quite fast. Didnt have much choices due to fixed expenses. But at the least is something i enjoy doing. I always feel so happy being able to work in something I enjoy and a job that is enough to support the lifestyle i want also. 

Budgeted my salary now. Having a goal to work forward always makes me motivated. Life gets meaningless when you dont have goals. For my entire life, is good that I always have a goal to work on. After I have my daughter, I was depressed. Somehow I lost motivation and lost my priorities. And now Im back and happy. 

Nv lose what is important to you end of the day no matter which life cycle you are at. Apart from the usual life cycle, there are a lot of things to see. Family shouldnt be what tie you now and it will nv will. People who love you will understand that and support you. Freedom should nv be compromised while you are with ppl who love you. Im happy I found ppl who love me and supported me. Doesnt restrict me and discourage me. 

Ppl who make me happier and ppl who make me willing to stay. 

Europe Week 6

Last week of the trip and I will be back to Singapore. Haven go back to sg and Im already miss travelling. 😔 

Enjoying my last week at the beach barcelona. At the least transport here is still acceptable. Staying just 5 min walk to the beach. First few days was super hot. Like crazy and the room has no wind coming in because is facing inwards. Last few days was super cold as it was raining. Enjoy my days here. Go to the beach almost everyday. See jellyfish clear sea. 

You can be naked on the beach. So you will see ppl without top. Barcelona is a good place to relax. The house by the beach also look very nice. 

Still no beach so far can match the one at fiji. Nice corals, blue sea. Lots of sea animals to see. When I retire that is one of the place I would like to retire in. 

If money isnt an issue is really good to travel around. Go back sg to visit friends and relatives and then travel again when ready. That will be part of my goal. 

Financial freedom

Europe Week 5

Europe week 5 is at paris. Transportation is terrible but enjoyed my day at disneyland. Was super shock with the pricing of disneyland. SGD 150 entrance fee. But since im here in Paris must as well go. That's like my main purpose of my entire europe trip anyway. 

Took a few roller coaster rides. Which is super fun and thrilling. 360 degree. As it is disneyland so the thriller rides are limited. Only 2 of them are fun. The rest are like mostly kids ride. Also they are celebrating 30 years anniversary and the timing I went was perfect as they are having 40% off for the 30th years merchandise. 

Went to effiel tower saw this elevator to go up to the top. Wanted to go then I realize I forgot bring my portable charger. Even if I go up also cant take pictures. Plus I have to rush back before phone die as the transportation is unreliable. So got to scrape off the idea to go up. Anyway been there is already good enough. If I happen to be there again, I will take the elevator then. 

Among all the places I been to, Paris is the only one that make me miss going back to Singapore. The transport is the main factor. Unreliable train and buses. Google map shows bus will reach my destination. Halfway through, driver will tell u, this is end destination. No explanation, not even informing u where to take the next bus etc. Even the local got to keep asking around. 

Also due to train stop working as and when, I got caught up in almost a riot fight. Luckily nth happen. Just some police there to stop and prevent fights from breaking out. Ppl are squeezing and pushing one another in other to go up the bus. Even when the bus door arent open, they stick and hold on to the moving buses like magnets. Is scary even for the bus drivers to avoid accidents. Drivers will flash the torch requesting them to keep distance.

Ppl are screaming and shouting and some ppl started running away. I was also thinking if I need to run. Cant I cant see the front, was pondering if there is a gun or something due to the scream. Luckily nth happened.

Overall I still manage to go back to my airbnb safely. Notice ppl started boarding bus and those who board the buses are either woman or with kids, make my way into the sight of the police and they usher me up the bus safely. They give priority to woman, families and elderly. Lucky im born a woman then. Overall still took me 5 hours from disneyland back to airbnb which only need 45min if you drive. Cant imagine what will happen if I didnt get to board the bus.

Everytime i went out early and go back early in order to avoid stranded outside. But things always happen like unknown change of bus route, no buses, train stop etc on a daily basis. So got to preplan at least 1-2 hours more to reach destination or use transport 11 if possible. 😆 

Recommendation is to stay within 1-3 zone. Best within zone 1. Further you are from the city zone, more ex the transport is and more inconvenient when buses or trains stop working. Within zone 1 at the least u can walk. Either that or stay near disneyland if that is your main purpose. 

Everyday I worry about transport that I didnt ate much during my trip there. Mostly I tabao homecook food. If i stranded, at least got food to eat and drinks. Hahaha. Not joking cause u can be stranded anywhere in weird neighbourhood where there is nth in sight especially if u took bus. Some stations there are staff telling u where to go, what to take. Others really nth and u can just pray to god i guess. 

Though with the disastrous transport, happiest moment to go disneyland and visit the zoo. Worth the SGD 150 entrance fee for disneyland. And the zoo, get to see animals that you will not see in sg. Like Lynx, gazelle, wolf, fox, fossa, wolverine etc. Let me think about going shanghai next. Got disneyland and one animal that I wanted to see. Orca. Maybe next year that is where I will go. 😊

Europe Week 4

Was in Milan this week. Went to verona and lugano while in Milan. Both places are worth to go. 

There is market at Verona and nice fountain there. Cant remember where the market was but bought some cute pinocchio souveniors from there. Nth much to buy at verona but a nice place to take some photos. Especially the fountain, structure and bridges. The place is more of flower garden city type. Florence has more things to buy for me like central market and bazaar etc. 

Lugano ex place for food and everything. Bought a swiss made watch for my mum here. View is fantastic. The lake view and all. Could have swim in the lake for next time if i come. They have nice cute pedal boat and boat with slides that can slide into the lake. Recommended for new travel to lugano to have a few days there. Can visit other lake.

Nice good to have a little hike, take funicular train, swim. Boat ride across the lake etc. Both verona and lugano is a day trip I didnt regret going. 

Plan all the bazaar and market while in milan. Is nice to go to the bazaar. A lot of cheap goods. Clothes etc. Flea market not as much things to see unless you really into 2nd hand. Is very old school items. Shop a lot at milan. Bbt Frankly is quite nice. I ordered matcha latte with pearl and i like that is not very sweet. Is like 20% sweetness only. Didnt manage to eat the nice seafood and mistertea that was recommended. Maybe next time. But this xi er restaurant for buffet lunch is really quite worth it. Can go again. Though drinks separate charge. 

Didnt eat much nice food in milan though. Overall in italy i realize is best not to order gnocchi.  So far nv ate any that is nice. And it stick to the teeth. Can eat other nicer food.

Self cook my own pasta while here. Bought the pasta from supermarket and cook with sauce that i bought previously. The sauce is italy can be bought. A lot of variety. And the truffle items are also nice.

Sick and tired of eating pasta so during my time in milan i think i didnt really eat any pasta. Mostly fast food. There is this old wild west the steak is not bad which i tried. Price reasonable. They have burgers too which seems affordable and looks not bad. Also got this place 100 Montaditos at biococca village which looks good but didnt tried. Next time maybe will try. Bicocca is really good place to shop. Sinsay and ovs are cheap clothes place. 

Other than all the market, bicocca village and Fashion City Outlet San Giuliano have very cheap clothes. Both malls are good place to shop. Be careful of san giuliano though. Bus to return ends quite early and there is only one bus there. So got to take note. 

At bicocca village got go kart to. Around eur 30 to play and got compulsory membership. I didnt play. At central fs which is central bus and train station, there is this cafe napoli which has many variety of coffee and is not bad. Try the pistachio just warning is bitter. Also got this whole stretch of food area mercato centrale milano a lot of food variety and there is free toilet entry which is good. Realize this good place too late. Didnt manage to eat there but did a tour. Got affordable food. 

Europe week 3

Europe week 3, I am at Rome and Venice. Rome is a nice place to take pictures of fountains and structures. It is not very ex and have good place to buy souvenirs while walking to colosseum. There are many places to visit and take pictures. Went to the water city call Vicus Caprarius. Not worth it unless you are very into history or have nth to do. 

Im mostly there to shop for primark and help Dor bought her earrings. Didnt know going to the branded shop still need to q. So annoying and dont like the idea of their tactics to q. Sadly i didnt have time to visit the vatican city. I did ate very nice tiramisu here call two sizes. Highly recommended to eat. 

Visited the Borghiciana Pastificio Artigianale and ate their agrumi pasta which is nice and unique. Is like carbonara with lemon. Refreshing, light and is not salty. Only con about this pasta is there is no meat. Would be good if can add bacon. I was q-ing for this restaurant late at night. There was a guy in front of me also doing the same. He also alone on his trip then the restaurant owner sort of insist us to eat together. Trying to matchmade both of us.

He is from sydney. Open gym in sydney with his brother he said. Got 4 brothers. 😲 cant imagine. And coming europe is his first trip overseas and his first trip he already went alone. So brave. He say going overseas from Australia is not very convenient and not to mention ex. I ask if he travel interstate? He say nv. So weird staying in australia already have a lot of place to travel to. He say he is sick of seeing australian. Hahaha and he dont like Americans. Want to go to asia but afraid of being kidnap. 

Make me think about what media did. Asian afraid of going western countries scare to be kidnap. While western afraid to be kidnap in asia. 😆 what irony. 

Went to Venice next. Nice place also. Stayed at a convenient location which allow me to go venezia. The main town. I stay in mestre which is good. Less ex and more night life. 

While in Venice I travelled to Florence and trust me I will nv go there again. Those ppl there just want to chop tourist. I alight by bus. Board another to go to the main town. Bus Conductors came on board and insist to fine me for not validating tickets. No mercy or leniency to tourist. How am I to know that tickets need to be validated? So unfair. I didnt really fight. I just ask for leniency and she refuse. Guarantee the conductor herself earn from this fine. Another family from amercia also got caught. Worse is they didnt even purchase the ticket and the parents were fighting and arguing against the conductors. Failed still and got fined. 

They are really aiming on tourist only. Not recommended to go. Also nth there is really fascinating. Is similar to venice and rome has better things to take photo with. If really want to go, Piazza Santo Spirito Flea Market and central market is a nice place to visit. There is a nice fountain Sistema delle Rampe del Poggi which is very nice. Also one day trip is quite enough. 

In venice venezia, I ate a crepe which is quite nice by pepe. Took a boat ride but mainly is just walk. The boat ride is ex. Eur 9.50. But the gondola is worse at eur 80-100. Shocking. 😆 A boat ride is sufficient for me actually. Think i miss the rialto market cause i walked too much and got too late. But seems like a nice place to visit.

Saint mark Square is a near place to visit. There have water on the ground to play with. Quite fun and fascinating. Then we have all the shops and suso gelato is really nice although have long q. I like that the ice cream cup is a biscuit cup. Only con is that the biscuit cup is soft and not hard. There are very cute coin pouch souvenirs to purchase from there as well. Bought some shaped in a gondola design

Nina and friends have very nice choco and sauce though is quite overpriced. I bought the truffle sauce from there which can be bought another brand with cheaper price. Didnt manage to try the da michele there if got chance go again then try and didnt really have time to visit their local bazaar market. 

Next time if i go rome or venice again have to look into their local bazaar. Time in Rome was too short. Also overall Rome seems like less ex place in italy. 

Europe week 2

Europe week 2 Im at santorini. Sea view everyday calms my heart. Refresh and relief my mental stress. 

Every meal is at a place with sea view. Things are more ex there as it is a touristy place. Bought a necklace which is gifted there which is gold and really very nice which multiple ways of wearing. 

Im fortunate that I am staying at fira. All the buses arrive and depart from Fira. You cant go from red beach to oia. Everywhere you go have to depart from Fira. 

During my days at santorini, I went to the black beach, Oia, white beach etc. The best beach to swim would be Oia. Also there is cliff jumping at Oia beach which I did. 

The moment i hit the water, my butt hurts. Adrenaline rush. I wont mind to do it again. But cause it hurts when hit the water so i would prefer not to. 

Got myself dark that day as I waited in the sun to video for a lady to jump. She told me she was from Perth. But when we nake friends and exchange fb i realize she is from Russia. Not sure why the lie but feels skeptical if you are lying. She ask me out for a meal or drink say she wants to thank me. I told her is ok cause Im leaving. 

I also took a train in santorini. It was worth it. Can enjoy eat and drink on the train see the sea view and mountain without being in the hot sun. Didnt swim at the white beach though so dont know if it is good. Water look not bad. 

These are the more memorable things that happen to me. If I ever come go to santorini again. Rmb have to book hotel with caldera view and best to stay fira. Then can travel around. Also Naussa is not bad for its local food and environment. The ambience is lively at dinner. Aris seafood risotto is really nice. Iriana cafe has very good pancakes and view for sunset also. 

期待

有个人问我，在一段恋情会不会想长久？

我说当然会啊。在一起谁不会希望长久呢？

他说如果想就会有期待

有了期待就会对另一半期望太高

然后就会有失望

他说的也对，没有错。没有期待就不会有失望

但做人要有期望有希望才会活下去不是吗？

感情也一样吧。不想不期待又怎么会长久？

如果期望太高那就要调整包容互相沟通咯

就因为有期待人才会进步吧

就因为有自己，家人，朋友，伴侣，社会的期待，

才让我们成长的吧

如果不相信那注定就会失败，这是我学到的

一定要期待要相信才会成功

就算没成功至少也不会后悔

只要有期待加上不放弃就必然会成功

Europe week 1 Rhodes

During my trip at Rhodes, went to the petting zoo. My travel trip nv change all these years. Animals, water sports, shopping and beaches.

This trip to the zoo was good experience. Able to feed and touch most of the animals there. A recommended experience to go. There are ostriches, goat, wild boars, lemurs, deer, camels, donkeys, ponies. 

When i got into this open enclosure full of goats, 2 of the goats are ramming each other for food. I walk away to avoid caught in fight. Suddenly one goat ram into my leg. Thought it was an accident but wasn't when i caught the goat attack in one of my video. The goat will purposely ram into you for the food. So rowdy. Got a bug bruise on my leg. Luckily wasnt fracture or what. Still able to walk else my vacation will be cut short. Provided the feedback to the zoo. Cant imagine if it happened to a young kid. Definitely hospitalized already.

The staff of the zoo was really kind. The zoo wasnt quite accessible. Need take bus and walk like 10-15 min in. The sun was damn hot also. Ask the staff if there is any bus and he offered to send me to bus stop. He drop me off at bus stop but soon come back again. Told me they are going rodos and can send me back to rodos. Ended up send me all the way back to my hotel. Really nice and friendly. Chatted on the way with him and his friends. 

Went for a fishing trip also. Not I fish but the guide fish. More like a fishing tour kind of thing. Waited for the bus to go there. End up getting late and I took an taxi. Didnt caught any fish. But the trip was not bad. But not really worth for the price. The guide was funny though. 

Was considering parasailing but did before and feel if i do here not very worth it for the price. End up decided to go for a semi submarine cruise. Is a good experience and the view in the submarine is really nice. When they throw food in the water, fishes crowd around. So is like looking in an aquarium but actual is looking into the sea. The sub area is always empty so feels like a private trip to me. Also ppl tend to avoid me. Hahaha maybe cause im the only asian there. This trip also allow me to swim in a cave. Didnt go very deep cause is very dark and scary. When i was snorkelling i saw a flatfish. Seems like there are quite a number of flatfish in that area. Anthony quinn. 

Food wise galazio food is not bad. Ate their crispy chicken bao and their seafood pasta. Both are good. But their communication and service really got to improve. Kastri beach tomato soup is nice. Tried their grilled squid and is disappointing. Not fresh. Though they give me a vanilla soft serve. Free ice cream which is nice. Another recommended food is the Italian pasta call linguine pizzeria. The pasta is fantastic. And the artisan grill. The mixed grill is also fantastic. The meat has the char taste and perfectly marinated. 

Overall rhodes is a nice place to visit. But once is enough for me. Nth much that I will come back for other than food above. Though maybe diving here may see more animals which I didn't. The sea here is really clear and nice. Clean as well so diving maybe good.

Europe day 1-2

My yolo Europe trip.

Yesterday was my first day here. Long hours of flight. Sit until my backside hurt. Landed in Rhodes and took a bus to hotel. Long bus journey another 1 hour. Saving cost while on this trip to make sure I don't over budget.

Today went shopping. Bought 2 shorts and a top for myself. Bought a dress and umbrella for Ashley. So hot the weather that I got to buy cold coffee twice. Tomorrow going to bring cold water out in my thermal.

Stay at galazio. Disappointed with the room. What sea view. Totally no view. Garden view have la. Sea blocked by restaurant in front. Bad review. While travelling, feel that the ppl here aren't friendly. Maybe is the way they talk. The tone and all quite rude. Like the staff at galazio. Hopefully next few days can swim. 

So far I feel is quite safe here is Rhodes. Today lunch I ate pita. Share the table with a guy. Saw that tomato sauce bottle on the table. Without thinking I just took it and use on my pita and put on my plate. 

The guy kept looking at me. But didn't say anything. After that he left and took the sauce back to counter. Where the counter staff just kept it. I was thinking why the guy don't just leave it there. After a while then I remembered. Ppl have been saying there is no free sauce in Europe. Maybe the guy did paid for that sauce. Which is why he kept looking at me. Anyway use already use. Hahaha. Can't puke back also and the guy also didn't say anything. So..... Act blur. 😂

Friends or Lovers

Can friends become lovers or lovers become friends? A question that has been asked a lot. For me is very clear between friends and lovers but for some ppl there is no friends of opposite gender. 

Friends are friends. Not everybody is suitable to be lovers together. So it is almost impossible to change from friends to lovers especially when u are friends for so long. The views between both, the ability to talk and chat easily and for everything is necessary. Imagine being in a relationship that you can't even trust your partner to be open minded to talk and communicate. How long can the relationship last?

There are a lot of ppl that I met which make me see a lot of perspectives at the same time make me see things that matter and things that don't. 

Also it is clear what are the important things in life and what is essential to find when u are in a relationship. Being together finance is really an important matter. Not just to the family and it is a responsibility for yourself. One have to know how to manage their money properly. One don't depends on the other. Money give the individual confident and provide a security and a balanced base for the relationship. 

Even if you are alone, you also need to manage your money properly. Ensure you don't overspend. In a relationship one may spend more but also needs to accommodate each other within the limit you can accept. 

If you can't manage your money properly, there is only one person to blame which is yourself because you spend beyond your means and your capability to earn more money. Being together is not pulling each other down but encourage each other, praising each other. Not criticizing each other to feel better for themselves. 

To be in a relationship, it is important to be confident of yourself and believe in your partner's judgement. Optimism is also another important point and the need to be open minded to accept having different views with your partner. Seeing and understanding from different point of view. Although one may not accept but at the least can understand and in turn accommodate each other. One does not push their belief and comments on the other. And even more does not need to advice when the other party is not asking for it. 

The only needed is to empathize and comfort. No matter lovers or friends, empathize and comfort is what is needed when someone open their heart out to you. One does not penalize or judge the other for opening their heart. Penalizing and judging will only result in the party not saying any longer.

It is really important to communicate, communicate and communicate. If your partner can't understand then explain in a another way that can. Also boundaries is important. Ensuring you do not cross your partner's boundaries and push their limit to verge of the cliff. Being honest and open with feelings and being able to be transparent to share everything is essential to build a strong connection and a sustainable relationship 

New meetings

Met up with someone new. Nice to chat with. Feels like same cliche kind. Been talking for a while. See how it goes. 

Today Ashley's family day. Had a great time playing with both her daddy and mummy. So tired today. Recently been annoyed by my work. Can't wait to leave. My boss is like giving me penalty for everything. So annoying. I don't feel like replying her.

Past few days have been busy. Meeting friends for lunch, dinner, chit chat etc. Feel like going adventure cove next Thurs. See how. 

Weekend

Fri I met Jessica for dinner. We had a good chat. Talking about how her friend kept finding excuses to stay in relationship. How her friend recently considering divorce etc etc. Recently I had a thought. What is 过客? Someone who is in your life and left? So even if u are in marriage but once divorce and the person left your life is he/she consider a 过客 then? Someone who doesn't stay with you all the time until death is 过客? Anyway just some thoughts

Sat I met Eileen. We chit chat a lot. I told her about my doubts and concern. She told me why think so much? I'm too afraid of being used by ppl. But honestly who doesn't use who? Even friends. You meet them up to pass time not? Which I agreed. Of course on top of having similarities in personality and values, yes as human we make use of each other cause we are social but until what extend and limit is the key. 

Sometimes as we grow up, we met with more and more materialistic things. We worry more and more about being used. We get more and more calculative and set our guards up higher with even the people closest to us and cause hurt to them as well as ourselves. That why I miss the times when life can be simple.

Sun I bring my daughter out to play. Is so hot. But as long as she is happy everything is worth it. Spend a lot to let her rides at the carnival. Play darts etc. As long as I can provide I will. 

Meeting new people

Met someone new yesterday. Catch a movie together. Movie was quite late. Ate sushi and played some arcade games to pass time. He is quite a gentleman. Can say his mum did taught him well. 

Told me some of his relationship matters and his dad. Find some similarities with his dad and mine. Both are jerks. We didn't do anything for my dad to be grateful about. But his did. I wonder if they do have guilt. Maybe guilt is the reason he disrupted the mum sentimental area? 

Different people display their emotions differently when they are upset, angry, disappointed and guilty etc. Some don't even show happiness on their face. Not everyone display or know how to display their emotions and thinking properly. 

I realized ego and hatred usually stands in the way of communication. Ego u can't say what u want. U hide your feelings. U say things that u don't mean. Hatred u become self centered. U lost sight of being empathy and understanding to the other party. Because hate crowd your mind. No matter what decision he/she did u choose to treat it negatively. 

Being able to put down ego and hatred is like a learning process. To be better self and to be communicate better.

Belief and 3 views

After I met T I have been thinking about things. Perspective from his side. Considering the factors and relationship. No matter how I see things to me are still excuses.

Relationship don't have right or wrong. Relationship definitely have right or wrong. Legally right or wrong, Ethically right or wrong. Verbal abuse, physical abuse what you mean don't have right or wrong? The victim 是活该被打还是活该被虐？ 

Cheating no right or wrong. Cheating is ethically wrong. You want to be in a relationship, u stay loyal, if u can't no matter what reason, u communicate. You communicate until the thing could be resolve and you are united with your partner once again, if end up can't unite together, simple can accept u accept and compromise that differences in belief, cannot accept u leave. There is no excuse because your partner don't see eye to eye with u so u can cheat? Ur partner stay loyal to u as well. Is not an excuse for you to stay unfaithful. Be a person and do the right thing. Your partner doesn't deserve a unfaithful companion and u don't deserve a loyal partner. Cheating is ok. Ppl make mistakes. But not saying and continue doing this mistake is the most coward way of dealing with things. U don't face your issue with your partner head on and resolve things. If you have kids, ask yourself will you want your kids to find a cheating partner like yourself? Don't give excuse and say u stay because of your kids. Sure u can don't divorce until your kids grow up, but u still have to tell your partner and discuss this plan with him/her. Kids are smart. 纸是抱不住火的. The day your kids found out you are cheating, acting to be happy family will be the day u ruin their life three views. Everything they believe in will crash in that moment of truth. 

If my friend tell me he cheat, I will not hesitate to scold him/her. I will not hesitate to guide him/her to the right path. If he/she don't see eye to eye with me is fine, can leave. No matter how long friendship, if we don't have same beliefs, is ok. I treat u as a friend which is why I have to guide you correctly. My loyalty is with u which is the reason why Im telling u what u did is wrong. I will give you a chance to make it right. If you can't and refuse, we fight and quarrel no issue. If still can't resolve then is ok we don't have to be friends. 又不是缺朋友，干嘛要跟不适合的磨损自己的价值观和自内消耗? If your friend can change your 3 view even worse, what kind of person are you? So easily influenced and swayed. We all are grown up and we can think for ourselves. If you aren't my friend or someone close to me, I don't even bothered explaining to u, if I know you, I will just go up to your partner and inform him/her u cheated. Because you  to me is not important. I value our relationship which is why I have to say.

Lastly being hang by your partner. If not interested say not interested, what is the meaning of hanging and neglecting him/her? This is also ethically wrong. What? Your partner deserve to be neglected by you? Relationship is a 2 way thing. If you can't be in a proper relationship, be committed, stay loyal, communicate, be responsible, then my advice is don't be in one. Everybody is mature enough to deal with their own actions and make their own decisions. If you are still considering this person or can be easily sway by another opinion, then the answer is simple, don't be in a relationship until you are sure. When u are sure, u stay committed to work things out, when it doesn't work out, then it doesn't. Move on. If you are seeing this as a test to your partner and see if he/she can stay beside you through thick and thin, don't do that. Because he/she has not experience things together with u, he/she don't have the reason to stay beside you. Both have to experience things together to know if is the right one. Also love need to be 培养. At the start no matter how much u love the other party, you still need to continue to maintain that love to build it stronger together. That is how people last forever and not testing the love to see how strong it is. What u trying to prove that love can't last? 爱是经得起考验而且是需要一起经得起. If you give up or doesn't make that effort to maintain that love then there is no one to blame but yourself. 

Being wrong doesn't care what age u are in. If it is wrong we correct, we guide. When your kid is wrong, we guide them the right path. When your parents is wrong, same thing we correct and guide them. They are parents but that doesn't mean they can do the wrong thing. They learn as well. When your friend is wrong we correct and guide them. We all make decisions and be responsible for our own decisions. We all make mistakes and be responsible for them. We admit mistake, we make up to it, we move on. 

Weekend

Last friday suddenly feel like going yishun dam.

I went to watch little mermaid. Sebastian is so cute in the show and so funny like the cartoon. The movie was well made and is exactly like the cartoon version except the animal. I didnt expect Sebastian to be a crab and Flounder to be so thin. Hahaha. Also didnt expect scurry not to be a seagull. I always thought Scurry was a seagull. 

Before the movie I ate kimchi soup. While carrying the soup I was distracted, spill the boiling soup over my thigh. Damn painful. Luckily I have already reach the table, else will be worse if I have to react to the pain while holding the soup. Quickly put it on the table before I lost control of the soup due to the pain. Have to rush for the movie, so I didnt actually attend much to the wound. Just try to air it while eating the noodles. 

After eating, make a quick trip to the toilet, wash the wound slightly then rush for the movie. After the movie then I went to toilet to take closer look. The scar is already there. red patch on my thigh. This is the second time I scald myself. The first time was worse because it was burning oil. My whole hand couldnt even move. The moment it drop on my hand, I think my hand didnt know how to even react. It took like few mins for the pain to kick in.

After the movie, I went to yishun dam. Eileen rush over after appointment to accompany. So touching. She really can understand emotions and she able to empathize very well. She ask me if I'm emo. Hahaha. Which I am. Needed time to walk. Took a long walk alone before she join me. By the time she join me, Im already alright. We chat and she had a quarrel with her fiance started from a mistrust. I talk to her about things she has to note and pointed out things she can improve on or try. We end up having a last min staycay at clark quay. Slept at almost 4am that night. Luckily didnt have any early plans next day. 

Next day we woke up is already lunch time. We had vietnam food and cab to bishan. She bought KFC to appease her fiance then I went to see Ashley. Wish I had more time for her. As usual, his attitude just make me angry. Ask him about the teacher parent conference. He told me I didnt ask him for the link. WTF. That day he told me about the timing I said ok. Furthermore I say u send me the details. He didnt send for whatever selfish reasons and he has the cheek to say I didnt ask for it. I just said you dont know what is call collaboration? You got the link and you cant send? I cant be bothered to argue with him since is already past, I just say tell me everything the teacher say in detail. He told me oh in summary Ashley need to manage her emotions more. 

Im so annoyed. I dont know what is his point. Is always difficult to communicate with him when he couldnt be more objective and put his personal emotions aside. End of the day, I just try to be patient because I want to know Ashley's performance. The rest are not my concerns. Learn to be objective is what I need to do when communicate with him. Cant let his emotions affect me and make me lose what is important. I already lost too much.

We went to ECP. Ashley rode her bicycle. She is getting good with her bicycle and since she is growing taller fast, the bike is almost just nice height for her. But the bicycle tire no air. So a bit difficult to ride. We were riding around looking for the ice cream uncle as Sam promised to give her ice cream. She skate a bit on the skateboard. Then Sam carry her on shoulder most of the time back. She was lazy to walk or ride. 

Dinner we ate at the hawker. Sam bought food I bought drinks. He bought chicken wings, sotong and veg. I know the sotong is buy for me cause I like to eat de. After Ashley ate her chicken rice, she play some sand jump around doing some counting on the log. Then went to nai nai house shower. Sam send me back home. By the time I reach home, Ashley already fell asleep in the car. Didnt manage to say bye to her or kiss her. 

Luckily didnt arrange any sunday morning activity. Met up with Z had lunch and volunteer at acres. This time they send me to help out the aviary. Feeding the baby birds. They are so cute, I thought they will keep eating as long as you feed them. Then I realize they doesnt. They will stop opening their mouth when full except one baby Mynah. So fat already still keep eating. LOL. But one thing for sure, once they not hungry, they dont chirp. Else they very noisy. Then there is this one bird who was already release to the wild. But still hanging around refusing to go. Damn funny. 

Then got one owl, heard that when it was here, weigh 100g until now still weigh 100g. Hahaha. The owl dont like to eat. Saw the staff force feeding it. It just keep struggling then refuse to open its beak. Got to force it open to feed it. But at the least it didnt spit out. It was really fun experience volunteering there. So dont mind to continue. For Z, he was task to clear the tortoise poop. Then 80% for the time he was cutting grass. I think he did it too slowly. The staff say he got to fill up the basket. He didnt even fill half while at it. LOL. So cant handle other things. He complaining about too boring how he need to bend his waist to go cut the grass etc. 

Sometimes I really wonder his motive of volunteering. You volunteer to help out. Why does it matter what you help out with? After the volunteer, we ate dinner and sing K. He is like my sing K partner. Last time I also call him to sing K. This time also. He got a list of sing K songs that he pick from. Damn funny. 

This weekend was therapeutic. At the least kept myself busying and distracted so I dont have to think about the sad things. Z say I was a texter can reply him very fast whenever he text. I also think to myself. Hahaha. I am really a texter. like to text a lot. But also because my this job is too free. Too difficult to pass time so I like to text. If is not for this job, I probably wont reply text that quickly also. His explanation about text give me a different perspective also. Some people are just not the same I guess.