Last week i was so shocked when im out with my helper. I was told by her that my ex been monitoring where i bring my child to using her tablet. My ex can tell her the location that i bring my daughter to on the day im with her. Stating she bring her to her mum house today.
Now i know why he has been insisting and trying to influence my daughter to bring the tablet out when i say not needed.
I didnt know he has that location tracking on her tablet and how long he has been monitoring where i brought her to.
I didnt want to bring it along just these few months because my daughter has been complaining that her bag is too heavy. She is refusing to carry her own bag due to the weight. So I told her not to bring her tablet. Anyway she dont really use it often. Only at meal times when she is with me. She can use the spare phone that i have.
I feel so disgusted and violated by his action when my helper told me. Knowing that he has been using my child to monitor movements. These bring up my anxiety the past week. I cant have a sound sleep at night. And recalling back the few times he insisted joining the helper to pick up my daughter. My helper say he just wanted to see who i bring my daughter out with. The feeling of being monitored by him makes me feel so unsafe. Why would he do that for?
My helper says he did that because he is still in love with me, but this isn’t love. It feels controlling, obsessive, and wrong. I wish I could understand his motives, but all I know is that it is affecting me and making my anxiety level high.
Today i told him my daughter drop her bus card. Told him to take note not to have her bus card hang on the outside of the bag. I said it before to the helper and repeating it to him. As expected he turn it back to me like usual, criticise that i fail my responsibility as her mum. I ask him how he got his card and he refuse to speak. This is so frustrating. Cant he just be collaborative?
On top of that he start using his usual way to threaten me by not providing things for her when she is out with me. Bus card is a necessity. And he is refusing to provide. I decided not to argue and agreed. Then he started giving me a list of what i should be doing
I feel so drained and irritated. I want to focus on caring for my daughter, but it feels like in order to do that i have to keep constantly fighting against him instead of being able to parent peacefully.
Recalling the day back when i got so mentally drained i told my friends that i am considering giving up my daughter custody. I felt extremely exhausted and overwhelmed, I asked them for opinion. I rmb my friends told me i decided this path and knew what it involve when i decide to let my ex have her. It really hurt hearing that. Feeling like I abandon my daughter. Honestly I didnt expect my ex to behave in this way.
But then I reminded myself that my daughter needs stability, care, and a parent who will protect and guide her. And I needed to be that parent. I wish people understood how mentally draining this situation is. I wanted to escape the stress caused by my ex but I want my daughter to feel happy having both her parents in her life and to never feeling abandoned. And i want to make sure that she is not feeling that our marriage failed is because of her.
Today my daughter had a meltdown. Once again. I notice her grandma is staying at her house and she is having a meltdown with me. My helper mention that my ex is on overseas business trip i think.
Today her meltdown was full 1.5hours. And the reason was she wanted to play 5 more min on the playground. This is the second time she had this meltdown. Same as the first. I notice both happened when her grandma is around.
Hearing her crying her heart out repeating she wanted 5 min more make me ache. Then she started repeating she want hugs and she want mummy even when i was hugging and comforting her. I do not know what has happen to her when she is at home. I tried asking her what happen when she finally calmed down but couldnt get to the underlying reason. I ask about school but she seems to be happy with school. She said she made friends.
She told me she was upset that she couldnt choose what to do on her day with me. Before her meltdown, she has complained to me that she is upset i plan the day for her and she dont get to decide. she wanted to play whole day. I told her i didn't know and unfortunately i have plan out these 2 sunday with her and i promise her that in future i will let her plan on her own.
I kept noticing how her emotions are very unstable and unbalanced whenever her grandma is around. I heard her grandma trying to guilt trip her, throwing temper shouting at her and refusing to let her play. It seems like her grandma’s pressure and controlling actions are causing my daughter stress, which may be why she breaks down so easily when she is around.
Instead of proceeding with the class. Today I comforted her, told her art school that she is not well today and to have make up class next week instead. Today i let her cry it out, went to my house to relax, watch some show and eat lunch.
Then we proceed to go to my grandma house to have a playdate with her cousin. She seems happy and fine afterwards. I am noticing a pattern that my daughter becomes overwhelmed and has meltdown easily when she is under her grandma's pressure. I suspect the way her grandma tries to control her activities has my daughter feeling overstressed. Which seem to cause her to breakdown so easily when she is around.
It hurts to see her like this, but I really feel so helpless. I just try my best to support her, comfort her, and help her regain stability. Hope that her grandma doesnt visit often so she dont feel so overwhelmed and pressured.
At times i wonder if i make the right choice to have my ex take care of her. I question if it is the right environment for her especially when in these kind of situation. But I remind myself that I am doing my best to support her, comfort her, and help her feel safe and loved whenever she is with me. I know that making any changes now especially if i decide to fight etc may cause pressure to her. Best to let her decide when she grow up and is more able to make her own decision.
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