爱情转移

多抱歉

没能把说过的话都实现

那些我幸福感动的瞬间

积攒的每一页

泪打湿每一叠

厚重的从前多久才能翻篇

后来你遇见的她

一定比我好吧

当初那承诺的话

换了人来回答

希望她是一个

比我还要更爱你的人啊

我现在才发现爱情转移也需要有意愿才可以

要不然怎么转也没用  根本就转不到

所以我们当初在一起也是因为我愿意放下之前的

而现在呢？

今天是我给自己的最后一天了

我要逼自己放下你 

我不愿再等  也不想再有期盼

我也不要在对缘分有所期待

是时候放你走 也放过我自己

我要找个更好的愿意心疼我 不再让我伤心幸苦

Boring

Getting bored already. Everyday counting down to the days I resign and travel. Talk to my ex boss on Tues. She ask me what I want to do in life? I said I don't have a preference in scope. But for money. I will stay wherever pay me the right amount of money I wanted. She say I have to consider with that amount where can I work at? Which position to get that amount? I say my range is not high so every company should be ok to pay that range. Is really not about the scope. I can work and be willing to learn everything. As long as I feel sense of achievement and recognition it is enough for me. Easily contented.

I can't wait to travel. See the world and relax myself. Hopefully come back refreshed and ready to start on a new chapter. New job. Ppl are worried about me travelling alone. But I want to try. Of course I'm worried too. But life is too short to worry about everything. If is a challenge I have to work on then I resolved it. Worrying about things will be nv ending. U got to try to know. Of course I will read and understand things to defend myself better. 

I'm optimistic about my future life. New job, new place, new goals to work on. Living in the present and living for the future. Can't change the past but I can dictate my future which starts from now. 

Though there is still one concerning issue which I'm unsure about. It feels like my criteria is difficult to find and those that fit isn't what I wanted. I have been thinking if I should change those criteria or stick on? Anyway I'm not rushing so why not just take the time to find? But on the other hand I don't have an ending goal so why not just stick to one suitable? But if I anyhow stick to one suitable then I will be wasting time because is not what I want. Then I'm being irresponsible. Hai. 那过剩的责任感和原则.

These two contradicting factors are really making me indecisive. I really want to be greedy and wanted to have both. I can't decide which is more important now. I let go of one I want at the same time couldn't work with one that fit the criteria. But then both have boundaries issues. Nvm. Just keep finding.

Today I just found out something shocking. Though I heard it from Dor but still. I can't take that fact yet. I'm brought up differently. There is no such thing as interview or dating with intimacy. Get to know each other is priority. Now I understand what he meant by don't rmb when is the last time he waited for someone for that matter. 

Sian

Guys always think girls are stupid. I have seen more guys cheating and lying to girls than girls doing that to guys.

 

People who cheat and lied are really pitiful. Usually they are hurt or betrayed themselves and they can't recover from it or they don't know what is love and sincerity or insecurities. There are tons of underlying reasons to lie and it all comes from within themselves. I used to want to revenge on ppl like that. I used to feel angry at them but somehow not anymore. As long as I know the truth is good enough for me. Furthermore, I can't stop them anyway. 

I really don't understand what's really in it to cheat? What do u get from cheating? What do u get from betraying someone's trust and kindness? What do u get from hurting someone? 

Is it that difficult to leave and find another rather than betray and cheat and finding excuses? If u really feel insecure, unloved, then communicate with your partner. If really can't communicate then leave. What is the purpose of just holding on to go through life together without love? End of the day is to just protect your reputation. Because u don't want ppl to think bad about you.

To me is really a coward and avoiding way to resolve things. Because one is too coward to face the issue. They turn to easier ways to resolve. I won't ask a person to be honest anymore. But only ask a person to be responsible. 

People often underestimate others power and overestimate their own importance. Why would you think the other party can't accept the truth? Or why would you think that you hurt them and then they can't recover? Or you want to only lie to protect yourself? 

No matter what lie it is, you may have your reason to lie. But once your lie has been found out, just be brave and face the consequences. Don't find excuses because no matter what excuses, the underlying reason is still yourself. So take that accountability and responsibility to face the consequences of your lie and your decisions.

Lost

😭

I lost my gold necklace. Hai. I knew I will lost it the moment I took it out. Should have put it in the coin compartment. Put in on my wallet thinking I will definitely remember when I take my wallet. End up forget and probably drop it somewhere.

Worse is I lost Dor choker as well. I put in my jacket. Then I think it drop also. Hai. When can I learn to be more careful with things. 

Learning

Being touch starved is also known as touch deprivation or skin hunger and it is more common than you think; to experience little to no touch from other living things.

However, aside from being touch starved, extreme craving for affection, whether physical or emotional, can sometimes indicate an overdependence on other people for ensuring your own wellbeing. It can even indicate love addiction, i.e. attachment dysregulation. 

The first and the most obvious reason why you may crave affection is because you don’t have enough of it in your life. You may crave someone and been lonely for a while, without anybody to provide you with the physical and emotional connection, and intimacy. Many people experienced this during the recent pandemic.

Aside from longing for touch, craving for love and affection can also happen for other reasons. You may actually have people in your life who love and care for you, and you still can’t satisfy your cravings. In this case, your need for affection may represent something deeper. 

People who experience intense love cravings often lacked appropriate affection in their childhood. Unfortunately, these people may go through life feeling as though they do not deserve love, and still desire to be held, loved, and appreciated. This can cause them to seek self-love through other people, trying to heal their wounds and make up for the lack of affection.   

However, love cravings can also arise from attachment dysregulation, or love addiction, involving obsessive behaviors towards other people. It tends to arise from survival patterns developed in childhood or a particularly stressful situation in your life where you had to learn to tolerate feelings of neglect and abandonment. 

If you tend to feel like other people don’t love you enough, fear that they may leave you, or experience anxiety over your relationship, it may be the case that you’re dealing with attachment dysregulation that requires your attention. 

https://www.lovetopivot.com/why-crave-affection-how-stop-love-addiction-retreat/

Shocking news

Today I heard a shocking news from my cousin. I acted out with hatred directly. Acted on my emotions. My cousin didn't tell my mum. I told her not to. I know my mum will react with this news. Because love can't be stopped. I'm afraid she will fell in again and hurt herself. She is soft hearted.

He is back again looking for us or looking for me. I don't hate him anymore. I let go of that hatred just few weeks or few months back. I really have T to thank for this. He said before try to put yourself in other ppl shoes to understand. He also said no matter what your parents did, they are still your parents. A family only need love. No explanation is needed. I know even parents need to learn. Like my mum. But I nv once have thought that he needs it to. I sort of understand what he meant. I kept wondering as well about what he say and what Dor said. 

T says he can feel that I needed love. Dor says I need to learn to self love. Hmm. Maybe both of them are right? But what Dor didn't know is I already learn self love from the start. I have always been selfish. With S, I saw how worthless I meant to him. Which is why I left. I wanted unconditional love. Which I no longer got it from S. I no longer have trust in him. I'm feel like a tool to him. 

I have been doubting my principles as well. Whether is it necessary to uphold them in a family? I feel lies are still a no in the family. But instead of being harsh got to understand why there is lies. With Ashley I learn to see things differently. I don't like compromising because is tiring and things explode eventually. There are still many things to learn. With Ashley I got to be more patient. I got to learn how to control my temper more.

I nv understand my father's actions and honestly I didn't want to. Maybe he has his reasons. But I didn't want to know because no matter what reason he has, he failed as a father and he failed as a husband. Guess I have my mum genes of being too soft hearted.

I said whether he is a millionaire now or a billionaire, I don't really want anything to do with him. But I don't know honestly if I can let go. Can I let go refusing to allow closure for myself? I will leave it to fate I guess. If he manage to find me. If he is sincere they are many ways which will guarantee he will find me. I will choose to believe him then.

I'm still contemplating if I should tell my mum about it? I feel I can't take away her right to know. The decision is hers. If he change all is good. But what if he really have a desperate reason to find us and that reason is bad? Will I be giving him a chance to hurt my mum again? Logically, he don't have to find us when he is good. If he really want to repent, is easy to put me in his will. If he really is guilty he won't want to find us. He should most likely leave us alone. The only reason he needs to find us is only when he is in a bad state. 

值得

我只挽留我认为值得的人。如果我没有挽留你，那就是你不值得我付出真心。真心只留给真心付出的人。你不想付出，那说明这一段感情对你不重要。我也就没必要在挽留。要失去后才后悔的感情，再次得到也会变得没有意义。

留在你身边是我的选择，而让我离开是你的决定

不要说是我选择离开，而是你没让我留下的理由

在我离开时曾向你伸出手，但你选择视而不见

所以不要埋怨，因为这是你的选择

能开导所有人唯独开导不了自己，大道理都懂，却怎么也想不明白，能原谅所有人但不肯放过自己。

Learn something new today

https://nationallegalservice.co.uk/what-is-reactive-abuse/

让感情走上悬崖的不是缺乏沟通或意见不合，沟通不了还可以在尝试，沟通不到可以找时间，意见不合可以妥协磨合。但是明知道却不愿意去沟通和妥协，不努力维持感情才令感情走上绝路也是最令人心痛和痛苦。感情没法一人维持，一但把另一伴的耐心和忍让消磨完，就会失望离开。

不努力就代表这份感情不重要也不必珍惜。

友情也好，爱情也好，亲情也是

Guilt

做决定的是我，做错了也是我，不说的也是我，假装没事的也是我，假装坚强的也是我，心痛的也是我，愧疚的更加是我。请允许我在时不时刻的想你。

一辈子不忘的错误，也没法去弥补

愧疚的心，再多的对不起，也于事无补

我那时没资格，也不想负责，你可以不理解，但是不能怀疑，你是值得被疼爱的。希望你现在在一个疼爱你的家，开心的活着。有机会我希望能再遇见你，感应是你。不管你在哪，我绝不会忘记曾经有过你。你再难过无助时，希望你能感应到我的温暖。虽然不能拥有你，但我一直都在。

清醒着忧伤真的无比难受，还希望自己做个快乐的傻子

Confused

I just can't think of reasons why. I really don't understand and I don't get it. I don't know why I have to be so stubborn about it. But I just can't help it and I can't seem to let go and is annoying. There are times I feel is ok. Then there are times I feel not ok. Having too much time on hand is really not a good thing. It makes one person worry too much. Overthink too much things and turn negative.

I have a constant reminder beside me nagging me about other things. Yes I know the negativity and I'm ignoring it. I don't know if it is right or wrong. But no matter what, I want to push my limit and see what I can do. I don't want to be concern about things I can't control. I want to keep looking at the positive side. 

Recently negative thoughts and feelings has been returning. They don't seem to go away and is frustrating. Whenever I can't distract myself, they come and frustrate me. But at the least is better at night. At least I can have a good night sleep for last week and this week and this is a big goal for me. I want to maintain this way. Slowly removing all the negativity and people from my life. Though some people are really hard to move.

Don't talk about negative things already. I'm planning my Greece trip. Looks like it is extending longer and further. I will be going Rome, Venice, Milan, Paris. Since I'm there, must as well go further with less price. Not sure when will I ever be going such a far country in future. 

People are worrying about me. I am worried about myself too. But I know if I nv push myself to do it, I will not know what I gain. There are a lot of things to worry about in life. And those worries are things beyond your control. Since is something you can't stop when it comes, then stop worrying to be happy. 😁

This is my fear to push my financial security. Take financial with a pinch of salt. 钱一辈子都赚不完. I will survive no matter what and I see what I gain and enjoy during my trip. I really so desperate to leave now but Im holding myself down. Making sure I don't do things that I will regret. I know even if I leave I won't regret, but I don't like to explain and get nag at by my mum. I talked to her yesterday. She seems ok with me leaving. She say my job is too suspicious to stay. 

I know when I need support I should be able to get from my closed ones. I just don't like to be nagged and maybe ego. I don't like asking for help and needing to see reluctant or black faces. I like to be different. I like to do things differently. But I don't like to be question when I do things differently because some things I can't explain when I don't even know why myself. I just like going with my flow and my feel sometimes. Those feel doesn't have explanation. It's just how it is and I'm learning to take it as it is too. 

So, don't ask me why I'm different. Don't judge or criticize or tell me what to do and say that I will be outcast by society. I'm just different and I think everyone is different too. To me is ok to be different. There is no one same self. I know people just like to group, align together to feel safe to feel secure and that's ok too because is the natural thing to do. Even if nobody understand, is ok. I will slowly find. Find someone who does and I don't need permission or approval from anyone to do that. Because me is me.

如果一个人哭了，两个人都快乐

我宁愿换来三个人好过

终究是一个结果

没有什么或者

Tired. Today got time to rest early. But tomorrow got to wake up early. 😊 But is for a good cause. If u tell me in the past that I will wake up early for this, I will say you are crazy. But here I am waking up early for a good cause. 

Got to remind myself don't pack tight schedule. Need time for myself to rest. Need time to settle my own mental. I know sometimes when I start doing things, I overdo till I'm overtired. So got to keep reminding myself to relax. Even when I need things to distract, I also need to rest and absorb my negativity to be able to see the positivity. Negativity is not a bad thing until you keep avoiding.

So don't get too uptight on things. I deserved to rest at times. I deserved to not think about all the roles I need to be, the responsibility I need to take and only think about just me, myself and I.

Learning

Embrace weakness and improve. 

- impatient

- stubborn

- giving insulting remarks

Got to learn to be more indirect, patient and less stubborn. Avoiding using insulting remarks. Learning to speak with more blunt and encouraging ways. Prioritize and learning to give attention to certain people.

Ignore and avoid conflicts with people who are not worth time. 格局打开，不要跟没必要的人较量。要学会忍气吞声。忍也是一个美德。

Tolerance is the virtue that makes peace possible—Tolerance allows people the liberty and personal freedom of self-determination. Toleration promotes the free exchange of ideas, including criticism and debate of public policy in the interest of the people.

Respect the person as your disagree with their ideas—Criticism—disagreeing with an opinion, idea or behavior—is distinct from insult—an attack on the person’s very being. Care for their humanity as you take offense at their opinions. 

男人喝多了就会想起他最爱的人

女人喝多了就会想起伤她最深的人

所以你不喝酒是为了不想起谁？

Heartache

Of course I will heartache. Of course I will miss her. My heart is not made of stone. But I will tolerate and I do what I think best for her, based on my judgement and experience. 

Of course I know my options and of course I know the concerns. Of course I know what is the norm. But I'm not born from the norm. So.... A lot of people want to know the reason why? Does it matter to you why? Even if I tell you, you may not be in the position to understand and accept. 不在格局里，就不要问

Some people are very funny. They like to think they know it all. They like to give advices. They ask you for reason just to prove their right. But when the truth hit them with a different light, most of the time they couldn't accept. So why ask? People don't talk because you aren't ready to accept the truth. 

一个人的等待很寂寞吧？

那你还要等多久啊？

放手吧

就放手吧 别想她

这世界有很多爱你的人啊

放手吧 别想她

她是否值得你这样牵挂

就放手吧 别想她

爱过就好何必要苦苦挣扎

就放手吧 别想她

把所有一切就当做是一个笑话

缘分已尽，就不必再挣扎

狠心点决定放下放过自己吧

不要再纠纷以前谁的对错，已经不重要了

重要的是活在当下，时间宝贵

回不去是事实，没法从来也是事实

没有人少了谁活不下去

也没有人少了谁就不会再幸福快乐

只要对自己好点还是会幸福快乐

不要觉得遗憾，就算从头再来，结局也不会改变

我们没有早知道，所以能做到的还会是一样的

就是经历过才会学到，下次才会做得很好

其实爱情也好，工作也好

不要再纠结遗憾 未来还会有无限的机会

只有不断学习，把自己过好

机会来的时候，你才能够好好的把握住

所以为了以后不再做出遗憾的事，选择开心的过

才是目前你最需要做的，也最重要的

明白吗？

Sunday

I thought I will be very sleepy and will be able to sleep early today since I last night slept late and exhaust my energy playing with Ashley today.

Should have known better last night not to drink ice lemon tea while eating dinner with Eileen. Always forget lemon tea contains caffeine too. Didn't sleep last night till almost 3am woke up at 7.30am.

Brought Ashley to some event at woodlands stadium. Played her fav bouncy castle. After that still keep requested to go play. I just told her we go ride her new bicycle, next moment heavy rain. No choice. Brought her to t play indoor playground at khatib. She didn't want to sleep during her nap time. End up falling asleep while I drink to khatib. Slept for an hour. 

Couldnt sleep now still. Still thinking of T. About his long term relationship which is similar to mine. And suddenly thought about how I really did my best to hold on to mine. Remembering how I plead with him. To do something for me for the family immediately because I'm losing it here on my own. Sadly the plead fell on death ears. I suddenly rmb how desperate I am trying to hold on the our relationship that I couldn't let go off. 

I knew very well which part of our relationship broke down and was unrepairable. I knew which part broke down for me and which broke for him. And I don't wish for anyone to go through the same thing as me. And apparently most of the relationship I saw were quite similar and I seriously wish them all the best. People do change in a relationship for better or for worse. If they are optimistic and can see strengths better than flaws then it would be so much easier. 

Relationship is it fate or effort? I will say both. The initial maybe fate to let u guys meet and fate for either one or both to fall in love. Head over heel for the other. Willing to sacrifice or invest. U may say this is effort too. But in our era, everyone is selfish. Without the initial connection, it is almost zero. For one to sacrifice or invest for another. But it is also effort for one to break through to the other in one sided relationship and also effort to keep staying together. Else no matter how both love each other, it will still break. Among the relationship I know, I never see anyone which has both fallen in love and usually is one sided love. But effort that make both stay together, get married and have a kid. 

Some ppl thinks is 100% fate to be together and to be able to stay together. if both don't make the effort to make the relationship works, there is no way both can get together even after multiple meetup. Someone has to take the action. Some may debate that it is god who put that idea in your mind. Well I don't believe that. I believe is my own choice. My own choice that I want to approach. My own choice to get in contact. My own choice to stay in contact. My own choice to forgive or break during an argument

Therefore relationship is both fate and choice.

Kindness

I really have to control my temper and expectations with certain ppl. Lose my cool too easily. Got to learn to keep calm. 

I know I only have myself to blame. What am I expecting from a boy not man, a boy who is worse than animal? Even an animal knows how to repay kindness and he knows none. I already know that long time ago but still expecting conscience from an ungrateful brat. Who am I kidding really?

Keep cool Jena. Breathe breathe breathe. Relax and chill. Some ppl are really not worth it. You are a lot better and more generous than this. 不要跟幼稚的小人计较. 不值得.

Life purpose

I'm very happy that I found my purpose in life. I found what I want to do in life. Other than just earning money, getting married, having a kid and retire. 

There are people who keep trying to follow this path. But once they got money and contented then they are lost. They are also people who are never contented and forever wanted to earn more money. Keeping it as much as they can. What is the purpose of money if you don't use it to enjoy? You can't bring along when u die. You can leave it for your next generation but you can't control their future either. If they don't learn how to use it, then they will just still be wasting the money. Some people stressed cause they couldn't find a partner to marry. They lost motivation in life. They start wasting life as it pass because they don't see a purpose or goal to fulfil.

I don't deny money is important. But to me is not the most important. Money can't buy extra time of your life. Money don't extend your life. And also often said money can't buy health. Everyone born in this world has limited time. If I live till 100, I'm already at one third of my life. When I'm at half my life, would I still be able to go what I want? Go paragliding, go bungee jumping etc? One will never earn enough money. But time is different. U can't earn time. With the limited time, do I still want to continue waste it not doing things I like to do?  

I will regret if I die knowing my entire life is only about work and chasing money. There are so many beautiful things to see, so many places to explore and go to. So many lives out that to understand which I have not done. I can't change my past but I can plan my future. Even if I can change my past I also won't want to. Because is what shaped me now. I can work my future and decide what future I want and is not only about money and having a family. 

不要跟我女儿比较。你比不赢的。我女儿是我用很大的牺牲生出来的宝。牺牲换来的当然非常珍贵非常珍惜。你又不是我要用牺牲换来的哪能用来比较。

Want but cant

If you care you will want to know every reason behind the answer no. If the person say can't, why can't? She also want to but why she can't? What is holding her back? What is her concern? If you know and understand, you will not push. You will heartache, you will give space, give time, give security. You will not talk about it and constantly put salt on wound. You will not use it as a weapon on her.

If she don't talk, you will be patient. You will give time, you will give security so she can feel comfortable to talk to you. You don't judge when she talk, you don't criticize, you understand and you support. I know is hard to not talk. But you will empathize. You will see beyond the surface what is hurting her, you will calm her, you will comfort her, you will listen, you will accept and support.

If you love, you will care, you will heartache, your actions will show. Your actions maybe clumsy but it will be sweet. Your care will be sincere and not an act, not a task to fulfil. Your care will come from the bottom of your heart. Your care and heartache don't have to be taught. The person can feel. Nobody is stupid. They can feel, they just give you chance, they just act stupid or act blind. 

If you love her, you will not test her limit, you will not test her boundaries. You will respect her boundaries, you will not insist she give in, you will not ask her to prove her love by bending her boundaries. You will not let her feel disappointed or upset. You will not let her feel wronged. You will love her as she love you. 

Love is simple. Pure. Not based on test, not calculative, not repayment. Love is based on security, trust and love is love without reason without weighing pros and cons or investment benefits. 

爱是两方面的

一起提起勇氣

好好呵护彼此

不让谁受委屈

自己苦也愿意

绝不让人欺负

连自己都不行

心疼宠着对方

也保护着对方

Hopes

I know everyone has hopes and expectations and is ok. But I hate when people pin their hopes on me. Please place your own hopes and expectations on yourself and not on others. Don't depend on people for your own life. 

Another thing I hate is rushing into the future. You nv know what is there now and you visualize non reality future. I don't like to disappoint people even if the risk is super low and I don't like paint a nice picture for it to break in the future. It has nth to do with whether I planning to do that. But it has to do with expectations. I don't like people having expectations of me when I already said upfront. 

This is my weakness. I don't make promises which have chances to change. If I make a promise, I must ensure I can do it. I have strict principles and sometimes these principles can really weigh me down. It's annoying. I leave once people start to have expectations when I know I cant do it. If I have said a lot of times and the person still expect, I will leave. Because it means he can't accept. If he cant accept, then don't compromise. Somethings can't be compromise because is causes imbalance. 

As said in my previous post. And it will not be right for me to hold on if I know. Many make decisions and many will not take responsibility for their own decisions. When things go south, that is when guilt tripping will comes in. That is when they will find excuses to pin their decision on others and never because it is a choice that they chose. Is either fate, god or others. Is always easier to pin your decision on others than to take responsibility for it. Because if you do, you can only blame yourself for your mistake. Many don't see mistakes as a learning curve.

The older one is, the harder it is to say I make a mistake due to pride and ego. 人到老学到老 how many people can really understand this? Is not just about open minded to learning. But also open minded to making mistakes while learning. Open minded to accept mistakes made and to improve constantly. Even if you make the similar mistakes, it may looks the same, but there must be some underlying difference which cause you to believe again. 

There are a lot of contradiction in life. I don't deny I often contradict myself as well. Nobody's perfect. When I do, I set boundaries to both so they don't intercept. I don't like leaving things in grey area. If you do, no matter what you do at work, in life, in relationship, it causes confusion to other people. You get stuck and lost because you don't know which direction to go. There is always only one choice. You have to sure with what you want in order for others to see and help. 

你想要的 我却不能夠给妳我全部

我能给的 却又不是你想要拥有的

我们不适合也不想认输

好几次我们抱着彼此都是想要哭

你常解释这样的一切都只是开始

我觉得是所有的一切早就已结束

不想再约束 不要再痛苦

下一次会有更好的情路

I thought I will be devastated since that day. I thought I am hiding my feeling or trying to avoid my feelings. After so many months past, I realize I really no longer have any feelings left. Is not that I'm hiding or avoiding, there is no Pandora box to open. 

I have enough of complaining, I have enough for being upset for you. I have enough of crying for you. I have enough of you.

Since long time ago, my heart died little by little on the days I cried for you. Until I no longer have any expectations from you. The last chance and the last straw I given for u to pull my hand you gave it up yourself. Since then my heart totally died. People ask me if I will ever regret. I touch my heart and I said no. When there is no feeling why would there be regret? There is no regret in marrying, there is no regret in leaving. Surprisingly I felt a relief when I left. I'm happy leaving. 

The bottled feelings rush out and I'm more than happy to be free. Free from your manipulation. Free from guilt tripping. Free from gaslighting, free from compromising, free from giving in, free from trying, free from your lies, free from empty promises, free from your emotional games, free from expectation from you and most importantly free from being depressed and free from trying to uphold people's expectations of me. 

Though I will still reminisce the days we use to have when life is sweeter. The days which we can never get back any more. I don't think there will be any one who can match the same feelings I have with u. The same weigh of feeling given to u, I will never be able to give to someone else. The same effort same contribution, The 100% never again.

Childhood part 2

In my sec school, life is very happening. Not the best life of my life though. But the most enlighten and life changing moments of my life. Things changes during my sec school. During my pri there is this girl who will always bully me. She is an unpleasant girl who likes to bully the weak. I don't really know why she likes to bully people but I scare of her when I was young cause she would hit me. I wasn't strong during my pri school. Therefore people always pick on me. Because of my background because I'm weak and I don't know how to defend myself. 

In my sec school, I'm happy that I am able to avoid her. I heard she wasn't in the same school as me. But the good news don't last. One day I saw her in my school. I think she transferred herself over. Luckily for me, we are not in the same class. There is this guy in class who are always nice to me tell me he love me etc. Talk to me on the phone every night. Ask me to be his gf. When I reciprocate his love, he make use of that to make fun of me. Is ok. Because I make that decision and allow him to hurt me. So I can only blame myself for that. Somehow or rather, he regretted what he did and tried to amend. He became my god brother though also with motive.

Direct after I got myself into another relationship with another guy. Somehow I just hop from one guy to another. Whoever is nice to me I will be with him. My classmates see me as a flirt but I know my conscience is clear. Every relationship I am sincere. But I know most guys I'm with are not sincere. I set very high expectations of my bf during that time. Tiny mistakes and I will flare up. I don't control my temper or my anger at all. I will lash out at them. Most guys who tolerated but still couldn't get what they want will break. Others who stay, I will still broke up with them cause they couldn't meet my expectations. Some guys hated me because of they feel I played them. Some guys wanted to win me so that they can boast to their friends. Some guys broke with their current gf to chase me which I rejected.

One guy lasted longer than the rest. Tolerated my temper and anger. He was sweet and nice though with a motive. I was young and curious. So things happened. Later I found out he was a flirt. While with me, still trying to get laid by other girls. Lying to other girls and trying to manipulate them. I was furious and as I mentioned I hated flirts so I make an act with the other girl to lure him and make him pay. Make a scene to punish him. After that, He apologize tried to coax me and told me I misunderstood him. I believed him though with doubts. I stayed. Soon I found another girl. Broke up with him again. Tried to warn that girl but she refuse to listen. Did my best. He tried to make amend. Ask me out. The girl called while he was out with me. Girl ask him why is he still together with me? He lied in front of me saying that I chase him back. So that is what he has been using to poison the other girl who was too blind to see. Lying that I keep chasing after him and he doesn't love me while doing the same to me. Hahaha. Since then, I broke off any contact with him. He keep coming to my school putting his act on. Waiting at the gate etc which I avoided. Anyone can put an act to prove he love you. But only you know deep down if he is truthful. Then I got another bf and let my bf ward him off.

I been with some guys. But only fall in love with 2. 1 is really pure love been with him a short while. Sweet and nice. Though short, took me 2 years to get over.

Another 1 I know was a bad guy. But I just tried. Broke up with him because he couldn't give me the love I wanted and is the logical thing to do. Soon after him, I was with another guy. Didn't love him. But he was really nice and sincere. He likes to act nice too in front of others. Showing ppl how he is very good to his gf. Though I don't deny he really cares and is nice to me. His act still disgust me. I stay with him because he was the only guy who tolerated my temper and was nice to me. Dote on me. After a while, things changes slightly which I think is normal. There are some signs we aren't meant to be together. But I refuse to accept. Our relationship was happy initially. We compromise a lot, quarreled a lot. Nobody think we are suitable for each other. I ignored. The relationship was long and traumatic. A lot of things happened in between which I don't say here. We got married after 9 years and have a daughter. I know why he stayed with me and the truth always hurts.

It is going to be our 15 years soon in a week later. Sadly our relationship has come to an end. I no longer can stay because there is no love. I tried and I failed. Breaking isn't easy. Cried a lot before I finally decided. Didn't look back since I made the decision. Told myself I will never be in another marriage or have another kid. He will probably be the only one. 

During my upper sec, things didn't work out well. During my puberty, I changed from being gentle, soft to a tigress. I was very fierce that my friends at that time was shocked. Out of fun, we bullied another girl in class. She was a transfer student. I was a two headed snake. I wanted to make friends with her. But at the same time I can't control my temper and anger and lash out at her like a bully. She knows and she complained. We got into trouble. I know it was a mistake because I been in that situation before. I regretted my actions, apologize to her. I hope it didn't traumatized her. But I know my actions are unforgivable. I left the bully group after as I met my bff and I'm grateful to have her in my life. 

My karma came. Unfortunately I was in the same class as the bully in my pri school. But I was stronger. Didn't allow her to step all over me this time. She gang up the entire class against me. Ppl side her. I ignore. There were neutral group which includes my god brother. There were me and my bff. 2 against the rest. As long as they don't touch me, I don't react. There were hiccups. But we were also sort of peaceful. Then another girl join our group. Competitive, possessive and toxic. We were friends of 3. But usually one will be closer to another. Is hard to maintain a 3 person group. She will try to be close to my bff. Persuade her and talk bad about me to her. I don't study or nv really focus on my studies. She thinks I'm a bad influence to my bff. I know cause my bff will tell me. I see too much of these in life, I told my bff. I will let u decide. Sooner or later she will ask you to choose 1 of us either stay with her or me. You have a think yourself and see who you wants to be with. I don't deny that I maybe a bad influence cause I don't really study. Is up to her to see things. 

The question came soon enough and she chose me. The other girl don't have a choice but to put her ego down and stick with us. She has no other friends. I didn't confront her and just let her be. She will do things on purpose, revengeful but I just ignore. Got me into some trouble but I just accepted. I don't sincerely make friends with her but I let her stick cause she doesn't have friends and after sec school soon we part ways. I pitied her. Is hard to find a friend for her given her personality. But still wish her the best. Heard her life was quite bad currently. Bad based on our standard. But as long as she is happy with it. 

Because of her intervention, I also started focusing on studies and also is the last year of sec school. I became competitive as well, I chose a career goal for my mum and I think partly also because of her. She is good with poa and she always boast about it. I was good with poa too and I like it. Use it to compete with her. She make me see and choose my goal. So in a way I'm grateful. After I left sec school, I work towards my goal and it became my career. I'm a CPA and have an accounting career which I'm happy with. 

There is nth in life that I would change. Good or bad. Though I sometimes am annoyed with having a good memory. I wish that I could delete or erase the bad side effects from the traumatic ones. But those are also lessons to be learn as well. Who in life don't meet traumatic moments? Who in life aren't scarred or damaged? We just learn to be stronger each time and learn to stay focus, learn to differentiate good and bad, learn to protect ourselves. Despite all, I still prefer to have a kind nature. Still prefer to believe people are kind to start with. Empathize and understand behind a person actions because you will see a lot of things that you couldn't and learn from people's experiences as well.

Reflection of my love

My weakness is loving people that I think need me. I know very well what I lack at. To me, love is about usefulness. I may love you a lot but if I feel there is no need for you to love me. I withdraw automatically even when the party say he does love me. I will stop myself before it happens. I push him away.

In my love relationship, there are 3 people so far I love. All 3 of them didnt last long. Most of them I broke up because no reciprocate love. Only 1 feel has reciprocate love but because I'm afraid if I love too much I will fall in a pit that I can't get out of. So I never put in all. I hide my feelings. I will never understand and accept that love. And this concept is like T. When he talks about not putting all the eggs in one basket.

I told him I usually put in 100% or 0%. But in actual, I know myself. I'm never in my life put in 100% with people I love. And I usually forcefully stop myself if I know I feel too much for a person. I pick thorn in stack of bones for whose people I love. I always push them away. This is my weakness. 

Whereas for people I see that need me, I will not reject. I will stay beside and try because I know they can hold on. I don't care if their love and care is an act. Because when they acting in order to get me, I'm doing the same to stay and using them. Dor say she isn't 救命施主. Somehow she see that weakness in me. For me, I know I don't love these people. So I can give without return or give for that feel to be need. Which is why some people don't appreciate or cherish me. Is a weird thing and I don't know why. Maybe because of insecurity. However as long as I feel u don't love/need me, I will drop all and leave. 

Childhood part 1

I seldom or never really talk about childhood because it is the past.

Recently I seem to say about it more than usual. Most of it to explain the decision I made in hope of being understand.

I hate people telling me about maturity and age. Maturity and age does not go hand in hand. People can be force to mature super young due to their family background and circumstances. I have seen people who are still super childish like my mum. They don't grow with time and they don't seek to learn.

I won't say my childhood was terrible as there are many worse than me. However, I would not want my daughter to have that kind of childhood. I want her to have a happy childhood. One without financial worries or any other worries. I want her to find her goals in her own time. I want her to focus on being happy than force to sacrifice for others at a young age.

I live with my mum since young. My mum is a very superstitious and bias person. She is disappointed when she give birth to a girl than a boy. She constantly talk about it and blames me for not being a girl. Because I'm a daughter, she controls me in hope that I will not go her path which I understand but is very hard as I long to have freedom due to that.

Because she lacks of trust, love and care since young, she is often insecure. She needs a lot of assurance in security from me and it's hard for me to keep up. Because I prefer she be independent than depend on me or others. Due to lack of security, she loves money more than me and I can understand. Despite my understanding, I still refuse to let her depend on or say sweet words that assure her that I will take care of her. Maybe in a way to punish her. But I know I just afraid of responsibility. I don't want to be responsible for something and that I have to sacrifice for. I seen my mum sacrificing her entire life to bring me up. I have seen her trying to depends on others, tolerating others in order to accommodate her daughter. And I really despise her actions. If she is strong enough, independent enough, why can't she work on her own to support me instead of keep trying to rely on others.

Because of her actions, I know very well the only person you can depend on is yourself. Seeing her sacrificing makes me angry and I vow to give her a happy life without financial worries. I vow to not let anyone bully my mum. I vow to compensate her on things she lost. Also because of her, I hated liars and flirts. A flirt can ruin a person's entire life plus the next generation. Whenever I meet a flirt, instinctively I will want to revenge on that person by making him pay financially. Which others don't understand why I have this strong sense of justice for this. I learn to let go this over time. 

My father is an abusive person. He is disrespectful to girls. Plays with them like toys. He gets violent whenever he is angry. He is egoistic but like to depend on woman. My mum ask him back to depend on him. But during his time with my mum, he didn't work, depend fully on my mum and me. When it comes to my study, he said woman don't need study so much. No use. Whereby he himself as a man is such a failure depending on a woman. I heard stories from my mum that he invest his money paying other people's kids. So is not he cant. But he choose where to invest in and we are not one of them. I understand why. Because my mum was too needy and he make use of that point to manipulate my mum. My mum was stupid enough to think she has the power manipulate him. She still wanted to have another child with him. Luckily that child didn't survive. Else I really don't know what situation will all of us be in now. Because of that child, she guilt tripped me for my entire life till I grew up. I was angry for that. I will forgive but nv forget. For my father, I nv wonder why he is like this because I wasn't close to him and I hated him since young for making my mum this way. I knew why they need to part because they were just not suited for each other. As I grew up, nowadays I hate him less. Maybe he has his own background that makes him this way which I don't know. But I still hate him for being not strong enough to control his emotions and learn from mistakes. I know some guys never reject easy woman for I also won't reject easy guys during my sec. But that is story for another time. And there are some guys who likes to act saint and feels that if they reject girls, they will be too upset to survive. 

There are a lot of things I learn from my parents. A lot of things I see clearer since young. Life is never fair. I get judge a lot since young due to being the only child and single parent.

Only child person are usually spoilt. They don't know how to share. They don't know how to socialize etc. They are weird. 

Single parent family are being despise on. The parent are often judged being difficult person etc. Divorce are not a good thing in the past especially for woman. Nowadays is very common. 

Due to my background, my best friend in primary school collude with others to bully me just to gain popularity in the group and to be accepted. I don't blame her as she suffers the same way I did. Same single parent same single child. I have seen ppl who was once my friend became an enemy once they realize my background. I seen teacher who pity me when they realize my background. Instead of being pity I rather be bullied. What is wrong with being in a single parent family or in a single child family? Because of my school, I seen how rich kids makes friends. People just crowd around her. I have seen how she use money to make use of people do things for her and dispose them after that. 

I don't know why but I can see reality in life much easier and earlier while people are complaining about how they are born. I accepted my background immediately.

I had make use of people when I was in my student care during pri either. Something I'm not proud of. A boy that love me when I was young. Yes he is willing to do that out of love and I'm willing to make use of his love to boast. I have been through another tragic moment during my student care too. A event that traumatized me till now. One that make me untrustful to a guy and also slightly afraid of intimacy. I was molested by a boy same class as me. I didn't speak up. Tried to avoid as much as I can but he chase me all over the centre. There is no place to hide. Until I had to speak up. My form teacher switch seats for us in order to avoid. The school principal didn't do anything like expell him etc. She still say the boy is still young. They just playing and just disregard it. Because she was also bias, the boy was her fav student, instead of being fair, she victimized me. Saying I think too much etc. Make a fuss out of nothing. Since the boy stop after that, I did not pursue. But this incident left a scar on me. One that I can't shake off. I didn't realize until things happen in later stage. 

These are just some things in my pri school. Since is a girl's school. There are more things like girl girl relationship that I have seen etc. 

I never gets upset with my background. I never wonder why I was born in this family because all this makes up who I am, how I am and I learn from all these. I never complain why my parents give birth to me and can't give me the best because I know my mum did her best to provide. I am contented and grateful with what I have as there are a lot of people less fortunate. There is nth to compare about. U can choose to accept your background and start being better, work hard to improve your own life that you want. Or you can keep complaining and still be in the same level no matter how many years past because life is in the hands of yourself and only you can change your own future. 

看透

我今天看了一个影片，说明一个被背板的女人去找一个要自杀的囚犯，跟他经历曾经跟丈夫的过往。

我就在想到底我喜欢你呢还是想在你身上找到活在过去在你身上想经历一场曾经的过去？

T的温柔体贴以前他也做过对吧？T说的话让我想起他也曾经说过。我有时在想是我在你身上想找到曾经他的影子吗？而因为你不完全是他一旦做了不一样的事而觉得生气吗？你的话真的让我意外也好奇因为跟他说的一模一样。我不想太宠你因为以后不宠了你会失望会觉得我不爱你。而你在别人面前坚定的选择护着我也是他曾经做过的事。而你也在我身上再找她的影子对吧？我们好像都在对方身上找着前任的影子。是因为你太像他了吗？

我也没法知道为什么要呆在yc身边。是因为他有着一样的身材？抱着一样的舒适感吗？还是他有着曾经向上的心态？昨天他的话让我非常的熟悉。曾经有人也说过一定不会宠溺孩子。我做过的事也是曾经在他身上也做过的。而我一直不开心的事也是因为他跟他不一样的地方。是我在把他改变成我要的模样吗？

所以说我到底喜欢他们吗？而放不下的是T还是他比较像的影子呢？

其实我心里一直知道放弃的主要原因。是因为我们的关系已经没法回到如初的时候。我不想面对这个改变。是我让你失望没能在相信我而你也一样做出我没法相信你的事。没有信任都感情没法延续。我也看清我们回不去了。

Today yc got assignment. Didn't come to have dinner with me as promised. Quite disappointed with him. Previously we still saying want to eat tanyu etc. At that time he didn't say he can't make it. Then today last min told me can't reach before 9. 

So annoyed. Now I craving for tanyu but can't eat. luckily rmb a stall at somerset 313 foodcourt have a individual one similar to tanyu. Went to eat suan Cai Yu set. Then got to eat my fav injeolmi bingsu. Don't know why order bingsu (cold) then still order a hot matcha latte (hot).

So cold weather still eat cold bingsu. Hai. Craving still have to curb. 😂

Enjoying some alone time on my own. 

放不下

为什么我很想放下，却越想念你T，越心痛。越跟别人一起，我就越能看见你对我付出的地方。越明白我到底做错了哪里。越明白你为什么会对我失望。但我也越知道分开也是因为你没坚持的理由。如果你真的相信我，你也不会放开。而我也明白，第一次你没坚持的理由没是因为我没有给足你需要的。第二次的复合原本就是个错。因为你已经对我没信心而我还在坚持。你不想拒绝但又害怕付出。让我在忽冷忽热中度过。

可能时间真的不对，跟你在一起我开心过，遗憾的是又失去了。是我没有认真对待。如果现在有机会再重来，我一定会认真对待，也希望你可以再从新相信我认真对待我。可能还是不会有结果，但至少真的认真过也不后悔。

可能我们没有在重来的机会，我没后悔认识你。也谢谢你，因为你，我现在明白了也看开了，我希望我不会再辜负下一个人。如果以后有机会，我不会再拒绝也会愿意做你朋友。

15年了，你在我心中已经有个无可代替的位置。与其说是情侣，更能说是家人了吧。虽然意见不合离开了，叫过你的称呼，我还不想用来叫别人。就觉得那是你特有的称呼。就算不用来叫你了也不会用来叫别人。只想留着。