Reflection of my love

My weakness is loving people that I think need me. I know very well what I lack at. To me, love is about usefulness. I may love you a lot but if I feel there is no need for you to love me. I withdraw automatically even when the party say he does love me. I will stop myself before it happens. I push him away.

In my love relationship, there are 3 people so far I love. All 3 of them didnt last long. Most of them I broke up because no reciprocate love. Only 1 feel has reciprocate love but because I'm afraid if I love too much I will fall in a pit that I can't get out of. So I never put in all. I hide my feelings. I will never understand and accept that love. And this concept is like T. When he talks about not putting all the eggs in one basket.

I told him I usually put in 100% or 0%. But in actual, I know myself. I'm never in my life put in 100% with people I love. And I usually forcefully stop myself if I know I feel too much for a person. I pick thorn in stack of bones for whose people I love. I always push them away. This is my weakness. 

Whereas for people I see that need me, I will not reject. I will stay beside and try because I know they can hold on. I don't care if their love and care is an act. Because when they acting in order to get me, I'm doing the same to stay and using them. Dor say she isn't 救命施主. Somehow she see that weakness in me. For me, I know I don't love these people. So I can give without return or give for that feel to be need. Which is why some people don't appreciate or cherish me. Is a weird thing and I don't know why. Maybe because of insecurity. However as long as I feel u don't love/need me, I will drop all and leave.