Recently I seem to say about it more than usual. Most of it to explain the decision I made in hope of being understand.
I hate people telling me about maturity and age. Maturity and age does not go hand in hand. People can be force to mature super young due to their family background and circumstances. I have seen people who are still super childish like my mum. They don't grow with time and they don't seek to learn.
I won't say my childhood was terrible as there are many worse than me. However, I would not want my daughter to have that kind of childhood. I want her to have a happy childhood. One without financial worries or any other worries. I want her to find her goals in her own time. I want her to focus on being happy than force to sacrifice for others at a young age.
I live with my mum since young. My mum is a very superstitious and bias person. She is disappointed when she give birth to a girl than a boy. She constantly talk about it and blames me for not being a girl. Because I'm a daughter, she controls me in hope that I will not go her path which I understand but is very hard as I long to have freedom due to that.
Because she lacks of trust, love and care since young, she is often insecure. She needs a lot of assurance in security from me and it's hard for me to keep up. Because I prefer she be independent than depend on me or others. Due to lack of security, she loves money more than me and I can understand. Despite my understanding, I still refuse to let her depend on or say sweet words that assure her that I will take care of her. Maybe in a way to punish her. But I know I just afraid of responsibility. I don't want to be responsible for something and that I have to sacrifice for. I seen my mum sacrificing her entire life to bring me up. I have seen her trying to depends on others, tolerating others in order to accommodate her daughter. And I really despise her actions. If she is strong enough, independent enough, why can't she work on her own to support me instead of keep trying to rely on others.
Because of her actions, I know very well the only person you can depend on is yourself. Seeing her sacrificing makes me angry and I vow to give her a happy life without financial worries. I vow to not let anyone bully my mum. I vow to compensate her on things she lost. Also because of her, I hated liars and flirts. A flirt can ruin a person's entire life plus the next generation. Whenever I meet a flirt, instinctively I will want to revenge on that person by making him pay financially. Which others don't understand why I have this strong sense of justice for this. I learn to let go this over time.
My father is an abusive person. He is disrespectful to girls. Plays with them like toys. He gets violent whenever he is angry. He is egoistic but like to depend on woman. My mum ask him back to depend on him. But during his time with my mum, he didn't work, depend fully on my mum and me. When it comes to my study, he said woman don't need study so much. No use. Whereby he himself as a man is such a failure depending on a woman. I heard stories from my mum that he invest his money paying other people's kids. So is not he cant. But he choose where to invest in and we are not one of them. I understand why. Because my mum was too needy and he make use of that point to manipulate my mum. My mum was stupid enough to think she has the power manipulate him. She still wanted to have another child with him. Luckily that child didn't survive. Else I really don't know what situation will all of us be in now. Because of that child, she guilt tripped me for my entire life till I grew up. I was angry for that. I will forgive but nv forget. For my father, I nv wonder why he is like this because I wasn't close to him and I hated him since young for making my mum this way. I knew why they need to part because they were just not suited for each other. As I grew up, nowadays I hate him less. Maybe he has his own background that makes him this way which I don't know. But I still hate him for being not strong enough to control his emotions and learn from mistakes. I know some guys never reject easy woman for I also won't reject easy guys during my sec. But that is story for another time. And there are some guys who likes to act saint and feels that if they reject girls, they will be too upset to survive.
There are a lot of things I learn from my parents. A lot of things I see clearer since young. Life is never fair. I get judge a lot since young due to being the only child and single parent.
Only child person are usually spoilt. They don't know how to share. They don't know how to socialize etc. They are weird.
Single parent family are being despise on. The parent are often judged being difficult person etc. Divorce are not a good thing in the past especially for woman. Nowadays is very common.
Due to my background, my best friend in primary school collude with others to bully me just to gain popularity in the group and to be accepted. I don't blame her as she suffers the same way I did. Same single parent same single child. I have seen ppl who was once my friend became an enemy once they realize my background. I seen teacher who pity me when they realize my background. Instead of being pity I rather be bullied. What is wrong with being in a single parent family or in a single child family? Because of my school, I seen how rich kids makes friends. People just crowd around her. I have seen how she use money to make use of people do things for her and dispose them after that.
I don't know why but I can see reality in life much easier and earlier while people are complaining about how they are born. I accepted my background immediately.
I had make use of people when I was in my student care during pri either. Something I'm not proud of. A boy that love me when I was young. Yes he is willing to do that out of love and I'm willing to make use of his love to boast. I have been through another tragic moment during my student care too. A event that traumatized me till now. One that make me untrustful to a guy and also slightly afraid of intimacy. I was molested by a boy same class as me. I didn't speak up. Tried to avoid as much as I can but he chase me all over the centre. There is no place to hide. Until I had to speak up. My form teacher switch seats for us in order to avoid. The school principal didn't do anything like expell him etc. She still say the boy is still young. They just playing and just disregard it. Because she was also bias, the boy was her fav student, instead of being fair, she victimized me. Saying I think too much etc. Make a fuss out of nothing. Since the boy stop after that, I did not pursue. But this incident left a scar on me. One that I can't shake off. I didn't realize until things happen in later stage.
These are just some things in my pri school. Since is a girl's school. There are more things like girl girl relationship that I have seen etc.
I never gets upset with my background. I never wonder why I was born in this family because all this makes up who I am, how I am and I learn from all these. I never complain why my parents give birth to me and can't give me the best because I know my mum did her best to provide. I am contented and grateful with what I have as there are a lot of people less fortunate. There is nth to compare about. U can choose to accept your background and start being better, work hard to improve your own life that you want. Or you can keep complaining and still be in the same level no matter how many years past because life is in the hands of yourself and only you can change your own future.
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