He is back again looking for us or looking for me. I don't hate him anymore. I let go of that hatred just few weeks or few months back. I really have T to thank for this. He said before try to put yourself in other ppl shoes to understand. He also said no matter what your parents did, they are still your parents. A family only need love. No explanation is needed. I know even parents need to learn. Like my mum. But I nv once have thought that he needs it to. I sort of understand what he meant. I kept wondering as well about what he say and what Dor said.
T says he can feel that I needed love. Dor says I need to learn to self love. Hmm. Maybe both of them are right? But what Dor didn't know is I already learn self love from the start. I have always been selfish. With S, I saw how worthless I meant to him. Which is why I left. I wanted unconditional love. Which I no longer got it from S. I no longer have trust in him. I'm feel like a tool to him.
I have been doubting my principles as well. Whether is it necessary to uphold them in a family? I feel lies are still a no in the family. But instead of being harsh got to understand why there is lies. With Ashley I learn to see things differently. I don't like compromising because is tiring and things explode eventually. There are still many things to learn. With Ashley I got to be more patient. I got to learn how to control my temper more.
I nv understand my father's actions and honestly I didn't want to. Maybe he has his reasons. But I didn't want to know because no matter what reason he has, he failed as a father and he failed as a husband. Guess I have my mum genes of being too soft hearted.
I said whether he is a millionaire now or a billionaire, I don't really want anything to do with him. But I don't know honestly if I can let go. Can I let go refusing to allow closure for myself? I will leave it to fate I guess. If he manage to find me. If he is sincere they are many ways which will guarantee he will find me. I will choose to believe him then.
I'm still contemplating if I should tell my mum about it? I feel I can't take away her right to know. The decision is hers. If he change all is good. But what if he really have a desperate reason to find us and that reason is bad? Will I be giving him a chance to hurt my mum again? Logically, he don't have to find us when he is good. If he really want to repent, is easy to put me in his will. If he really is guilty he won't want to find us. He should most likely leave us alone. The only reason he needs to find us is only when he is in a bad state.
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