I cant save my hamsters

Up til now, I don tink my hamster died a peaceful death.. They die by illness, injuries and accident.. And all I could do is to stand there and watch them suffer.. Like my fav one, mommy ham ham with her infected eye.. lost her sight for a while.. suffering even after a surgery.. and nth tat i could do to save her.. Sometimes I wonder if we keep her better in better bedding and better condition she wont have it.. Everytime it just come to someting call money.. which means mi frustrated.. If cannot keep a pet in good condition then don keep one.. Father died because of a fight and he too suffered from his injured leg.. I wonder it is fracture or what.. But he is strong.. and still he die suffering with nth I can help to save.. Then there is female kid escape from the cage.. and accidents here and there choke to dealth by the house opening, squash and babies born not even lived a day..
however, one die last sunday.. even gender is unsure but i guess its male.. and died with mi around.. and its my fault.. He was fighting with another one or bully and beaten.. his squeak and shout but I took no notice and pay no attention til it was too late.. If i went to take a glance, just one glance, he wont be suffering till death and wont even die.. I will be able to save him.. But I didnt and it too late and I wasnt be able to help him after tat.. oly able to watch him suffer.. his face covered with red blood and blood and cuts on his back.. and his limping and not being able to move much.. couching himself together.. But he is still breathing.. I tot he may be able to survive cause they recover fast.. but I tink the injuries are too serious for him and I don even doe wat to do for his bleeding wounds.. I cant help at all to make him better.. and I wasnt even given the chance to nurse him back to health although not sure how, I was planning to stand by his side and protect him.. but he died before tat..
So now I just hope tat one of them get her eyes recover totally.. and the rest died peacefully and without accident or illness.. All those who died from accidents and illnesss and none tat I can save.. Tis will be in memory of them every single one.. never forgotten..

relation-tired

relationship really can make u tired.. physically and mentally.. Make u doesnt wan to care more abt anything.. even tired to continue a quarrel or argument.. maybe its the work of being upset.. make mi feel hate.. making my heart not stable.. making mi don doe to hope or not to hope.. make mi wonder over and over again abt it.. make mi wonder how long cn it last.. make mi wonder how long it can stay on.. having to repeat mistakes over and over.. having to getting hurt again and again.. make mi tink wat is the point..
however, the most irritating part is what to do? one side gd one side bad.. gd can be very gd while bad can be untolerable.. seriously, wat can be done? staying on and tolerating hoping that it will soon be over and past and gd days will cme cause we all know fresh in the mind tat the same ting will still repeats.. being awake and keep it shut.. being awake will tell u tis time is gone but when will the next cme? and whether I could still continue when it comes? how long u wan to tolerate.. in future there is still going to be prob much worse than this.. must well give up.. while keeping it shut will say since its so long liao just continue.. u doe tat tis is wat u wanted.. just a little tolerance will do.. tis kind of ting confirm will matter de wat.. without it relationship wont get stronger..
but still y cant it stop repeating? does it really make it stronger.. some how to me i don c it stronger.. maybe it does but i just don c it.. i just c that it makes ppl feel sick, feel irritated and feel much worse hurt than previous when it comes.. every single time it come it adds on and heavier to carry and continue.. there is one way to stop and i hope i don cme to tat way because i don wan to.. so pls.. pls stop pushing.. its already very close.. just a bit more and i feel tat i'm falling apart or maybe i'm already start to fall apart.. so pls.. i'm already pushing it backward to retain.. but y keep pushing forward.. stop pushing forward..