Late night

Can't sleep tonight. Really shouldn't have tea in the afternoon. Keep thinking about someone that I wanted or should have forget. Manage to throw him off my mind for a while and now is coming back all over again.

I really don't know what to think about the things we went through. There is sincerity at times and insincerity at other times and it makes me really annoyed trying to analyze and understand. People and things today somehow trigger and make me miss him all over again today. I know what's past is past and things will never be the same. But I couldn't help hoping.

I hope I can see him with someone else. Then it may break my heart entirely so I can really move on. And I really wanted to move on. There are guys who did ask the question. But I don't want to start with any other guys either. I don't know if it is because of my principles because I haven let him go so I shouldn't be with someone else or because he is still in my heart and I just refuse to let go or I just didn't meet anyone I want to try with. I know I'm setting a super high expectations and sort of pushing people away at the moment. Maybe until someone who can really persever. I know it is easy for me to get someone to take over. A distraction. But at the same time I know how it will end and definitely will end up hurting someone else or myself.

I know it takes time to let go and heal. I'm seriously impatient at the moment that my mind wanted to let go forcefully but my heart doesn't want to let go. Patience is really a virtue which I don't have and I'm annoyed. But there is nothing I can. I just hope it will not take me years to overcome from this. 

There is good news to share though. Which is I passed my driving test last Friday. I really thought I'm going to fail. But I passed. I still feel the tester give me chance that why I passed. Anyway is one goal is down and suddenly I feel lost again about what I should do. I'm thinking of piano lessons but I didn't want to pack myself fully weekly till I have no time to breathe. But on the other hand, I feel like packing myself daily so I think less of him. Because I have been sick for an month, I really feel tired for that past month that I pull through. But there again there are too many things for me to commit. My daughter which I can't give up visiting because of my guilt. My dance because I really enjoy it. It makes me feel like I'm myself. Friends that I know from dating app which I still want to maintain because I really wanted to move on. Having a staycation this weekend and hopefully this staycation can seriously help me relax. I really missed the days where I don't think about anything and sleep through the entire night. Recently my sleep are disrupted again. I wake up like 2 or 3am and couldn't sleep back until few hours later. I tried to avoid looking at my phone but somehow it didn't helped.

Work has been giving me problems too. Because I know I wanted to resign within a certain period, I dont have the heart to put in effort. I'm disappointed because my boss didn't provide what she offered initially. Though the workload is low but her expectations to me are unreasonable and I see myself fighting back on her expectations frequently. Hopefully this doesn't jeopardize my initial plan. 

Now I'm feeling slightly sleepy. Hope I can sleep all the way and still function tomorrow.