Bad memories

Thinking about bad memories again. From current and from past relationship. I dont know what I doing once again. It feels like another mistake waiting to happen. 

I feel like I no longer have faith in having a relationship. People tell me time will pass and years down the road you will not feel the same. But I know myself better. When my heart align with my brain and decide to give up on something usually I dont turn back and I nv regret. My decision will not change. But if my brain cant align with my heart, my heart just gets shut down and my brain move on to reach my end goals.

In my life there is no second chances to my heart. Once an irreversible mistake has been made it is almost impossible to change. My brain gave a person second chance the last time and I got myself years of regret. Can forgive but I can nv forget. Sometimes Im annoyed why I can rmb bad memories in so much details but I cant rmb the good. 

This second chance that my brain is giving is a gamble once again. And I prefer being risk adverse. But if I dont take this risk, I cant reach my goal. People usually say follow your heart. My heart in this case is asking me to leave. Because my heart is disappointed. My heart didnt want to find anymore. My brain is telling my heart to stay because my brain know my heart still yearn for a companion and my brain is lazy to find another. 

But every now and then my heart will just feel pain and hurting. And when it does, it is always full of of pain and then it just pain till it shut off and feel nth. I feel like my heart just wanted to to remain painful sometimes and be a constant reminder to my brain every once in a while. My heart is punishing with my brain for not listening to it everytime. 

My brain on the other hand is forcing my heart to heal now immediately and move on. My brain is so stubborn and keep insisting even if u feel it will not chamge the result. But my heart feels otherwise. My brain knows what I want as my end goal and is pushing for that result. My brain doesnt want me to give up and is willing to sacrifice what I need including my feelings to get there. 

I make that mistake listening to my brain previously. Focusing too much on my goal and neglecting my own feelings and by the time I realize it cause so much damage to my heart to believe and trust and repair back. Im not sure how much more damage my heart can take before it breaks down feeling for anything. Heart can't align with brain, brain dont listen,  heart shuts down, causing emotions to keep piling and when brain got overwhelming,  forces heart to open. All emotions starts flooding in, crushing and making damage. Then heart start finding, while building walls higher to maintain the undamaged and repair. When heart becomes disappointed, heart give up, brain refuse. Both cant align again and the cycle starts

Heart use to have empathy, kindness and care. Now it just has more hatred, anger and frustration. I can already feel that wall building even higher than previous. My brain is forcing it down so that my end goal can happen. My heart can feel happiness being in a relationship but it didnt have enough faith that it is going to be enough to heal instead it will just cause it to shut down totally. 

Looking back I realize what has cause my heart to open up and feel emotions and needs again. My daughter. Having my daughter make me feels emotions once again. She make me feel love once again which is why I can focus on my needs and feelings and move on for myself. She make me feel happy and she make me feel freedom once again. Because love doesnt need to be restricted. And with my tattoo as a reminder. I hope I don't neglect that part of my needs of my heart ever again.  

累

我累了

你喜欢作，喜欢沉默

那你就作死你自己

我不奉陪

我不想消耗我自己的平静来顾多一个小孩，还得不到同等的回报

等你哪天决定长大，决定付出，我只能说，不好意思我已不在

时间不为谁停留，在我给你机会请珍惜

在我一直尝试沟通时，请放下你的面子和固执跟我沟通

要是你为了幼稚的面子和固执放弃沟通，那就不怪我选择放弃停留

在我原意尝试时，我希望得来相同愿意尝试的付出

我没耐心更不愿等个选择封闭不付出不尝试的人

Story

Today one of my colleague share about her life story. Can understand how she become so strong at heart. I agree with her completely. Emotional torture are the hardest to recover from and what she went through is really unjust. But she is still very optimistic. 

All the divorce, the debt give by her ex, the abuse given etc are all lessons to be learn. Is also a contentment to me. Because there are always ppl who been through worse. She fight for herself independently. Supported herself independently. The ppl she met cause her mistrust with other ppl. Is hard to find someone sincere with the current society. So let fate decides. 

Sit around and watch show from a wider view. Experiences make you stronger each time. Makes you more independent. Being kind to a unworthy person is being cruel to yourself. So moral of story stay happy and do what you want to. Accommodating and sacrifice always comes with a price. Make sure when you decide to willingly take that risk, u can face that consequence positively. 

Dont cause emotional stress to yourself. Take negativity with a pinch of salt. Of course not immediately let go but give time to relieve and think through. She say psychology helps which I agree. It helps to understand yourself better to make a "well informed decision". Also learned that from my ex boss.  

Annoyance

Last night woke up feeling super annoyed and couldnt sleep. Not sure why but was super pissed off that I couldnt sleep and this lack of sleep is causing dizziness during the day. Tried my best to sleep but still couldnt and this got me annoyed for the past few days. 

Originally I thought it was the temperature. My body just warmed up super easily even though the room is cooling. Only my back was warm the rest was cold. Neither covering nor not covering blanket was comforting and causes more annoyance. I ate well with balance diet and just wanted to get my sleep back on track. 

After some time of flipping in annoyance, suddenly I became very peaceful. Super calm. Like something just wipes my annoyance away. It was comforting and I fell back asleep rather quickly. 

It has been hard to go to sleep on and off and I dont know why. This keeps annoying me for the past few years. I have no problems recently. Everything is on track but still feeling the difficulty to sleep. My body is constantly on a fight or flight mode. Every single time when I was about to drift to sleep, my body shock myself awake. This survival mode is annoying and I dont even know why Im in this mode. 

Since after having a kid this mode became part of my life. I can understand how and why it happen as I use to worry for my daughter even when Im asleep. But now Im not even with her. I dont understand why it is still happening. And it just happens every now and then. I just wanted to get back to normal. Can this stupid survival mode be off? Also I dont want to be relying on medication to make myself sleep. Even with medication it only last like 2 hours and I will be awake again. 

Anyway, hope tonight can be a peaceful night. 

News

Congrats to my 2 friends who have given birth. 

Welcome to motherhood and I hope you enjoy your motherhood. 

Condolences to my friend for her loss of her love one. Take care. 

Life is so full of contradiction. Life and death happening both at the same time on daily basis. 

Few more days to my cousin 3 years death anniversary. Hope you are happy in another world with no pain, no worry, no fighting to do and at peace. I miss you so much and I still find it a bit hard to accept you have left this world. 

If only I understand the signs earlier maybe you will still with us now celebrating our ah ma's birthday and your own birthday. 

Rest in peace knowing that we are all still healthy and well. Ah ma is still healthy and capable of taking care of herself. She is still travelling and enjoying her life to the fullest. Your mum, siblings, nieces and nephews are also happy and healthy. 

Hope you have reunite with ah gong, ur gong gong and father. Please scold ah gong for me and ask him to give us blessing and protection. That much he owe it to us. Be happy up there all of you till we meet again. 

Ps: Please dont take anyone anymore until they reach 100 yo. You all have enough company. You maybe facepalming but please give clearer signs cause Im too dumb. 🙏  Thank you.

时间到

给自己发泄情绪的时间到了。虽然花了多一天的时间但也想通了。为了自我而放弃感情的人就是不在乎感情所以没必要留恋。反正不担心我们会不会走散更不担心我的感受。都是成年人，会说分手的时候就表示已经决定好了。你没有了跟我一起决心走下去的坚持，恒心和耐心。更没有对待我们感情之间的尊重和态度。

能为了小事说分手代表了你的选择。而我也就尊重你的决定。对待感情轻浮又随便。在你世界里我显然不重要那在我世界里你不该有个位子。你可以过你想要的生活我也会继续走我该走的路。时间不等人。愿意陪我的人我珍惜，决定离开的人我不会挽留。机会我给过了遗憾我也没有

Keep things quiet

 It is not in my nature to keep things quiet. But I also dont want to the bad person to break the news and cause distrust in a happy relationship. Be it a good or bad relationship. If the person is happy without knowing the truth why not let her be happy even when it is false truth. As long as the truth is nv found.

Maybe the girl already know but pretend not to. Maybe the guy is really just looking for what he wants and will stop lying after he got what he wants. Lying in a relationship is wrong. But who am I to judge a person's action? Breaking someone's happiness seems to be wrong to me too. And will you feel happy living is false happiness created by someone?

If this is me in the past, I would have done it. Inform the girl. Protect the girl. But now, Im having second thoughts about it. It's so against my principles and so frustrating. Why let me know about it of all people? Maybe someone else has already told her. Im probably not the only one that knows about it.

Hai. Let it sink and let me think about it. Dont do what u dont want others to do to u. And do what u think u should is right are always my morals. 

Give communication

Why do people likes to give up communication? Is so frustrating and contradicting. Want to have something at the same time afraid when you have it. Start pushing special things that appear in your life then start complain why you dont have it. 

Saying you have trust on relationship is easy. But do you really have that trust? If you are afraid to even speak up about anything to your partner then where is the trust and where is the faith that your partner will understand you in time? 

He/She may not understand your actions now at this moment but keep being open minded to explain yourself. Be consistent to the actions you do if you think you did right for him/her unless she/he say is hurtful. The more you explain, the more he/he can understands you, the stronger the relationship. 

Keeping quiet, not being transparent is very bad for a relationship. Then people start complaining how they cant find a connection. How they cant talk to their partner. How their partner dont care for them. How their partner dont understand them. You dont take that risk to find a connection. Speaking up feeling can cause many emotions. Anger, sadness, happiness, embarassment, fear of rejection, fear of being misunderstand etc. Accept all of those emotions. So what if the person misunderstand you. Time will let the person see the truth. All these emotions shouldnt be the one stopping you from being transparent to your partner. The least you can do to be responsible for your relationships when being in the relationship is to explain your stand not in hope that the person understand you immediately or know you without you saying. But to hope in the long run the understanding for each other will deepens and become more perfect. 

默契是靠长久磨合和沟通出来的 不是天掉下来的

For certain reasons, you just not willing to risk putting your feelings out in the open. Discuss it together with your partner. Explain what hurts you, what doesnt hurts you. Respect and understand things do get hurt and just stop doing those things that hurt your love one. Hurting a person is not a valid reason why you choose to leave that person. When you dont understand a person well, hurting the person is inevitable. Is how people adjust themselves to accomodate each other. When the person tell you, you are hurting her, understand what is and just stop those actions or words. Not avoid, not run away. But owe up that yes you have hurt her. What you can do to stop that. 

Whatever trauma u have from the past remains in the past. Start again. Start afresh with open mind that your future person you meet will not be the same as previous. Give a chance and give faith for yourself. Have some confidence and less self doubt. 

Another thing is to listen, willingness to understand and accept. Listen when your partner is telling you his/her feeling. Understand where those feelings are coming from. Accept those emotions that comes with it with a pinch of salt. Always remember those feelings are from the past not present. She/he is just remembering past when she/he is explaining to you. Why she/he is feeling this. Because of the actions you did or words you say reminds them of the past. Then remembering those actions and words when she/he explained, adjust them and stop doing them. Dont direct those emotions to yourself and then put the blame to them for telling you their feelings.

And that is how you get the happiness and the strong connection you want to have. Work for it if it is what you want to have and you will then deserve to have what you have in your life.