I feel like I no longer have faith in having a relationship. People tell me time will pass and years down the road you will not feel the same. But I know myself better. When my heart align with my brain and decide to give up on something usually I dont turn back and I nv regret. My decision will not change. But if my brain cant align with my heart, my heart just gets shut down and my brain move on to reach my end goals.
In my life there is no second chances to my heart. Once an irreversible mistake has been made it is almost impossible to change. My brain gave a person second chance the last time and I got myself years of regret. Can forgive but I can nv forget. Sometimes Im annoyed why I can rmb bad memories in so much details but I cant rmb the good.
This second chance that my brain is giving is a gamble once again. And I prefer being risk adverse. But if I dont take this risk, I cant reach my goal. People usually say follow your heart. My heart in this case is asking me to leave. Because my heart is disappointed. My heart didnt want to find anymore. My brain is telling my heart to stay because my brain know my heart still yearn for a companion and my brain is lazy to find another.
But every now and then my heart will just feel pain and hurting. And when it does, it is always full of of pain and then it just pain till it shut off and feel nth. I feel like my heart just wanted to to remain painful sometimes and be a constant reminder to my brain every once in a while. My heart is punishing with my brain for not listening to it everytime.
My brain on the other hand is forcing my heart to heal now immediately and move on. My brain is so stubborn and keep insisting even if u feel it will not chamge the result. But my heart feels otherwise. My brain knows what I want as my end goal and is pushing for that result. My brain doesnt want me to give up and is willing to sacrifice what I need including my feelings to get there.
I make that mistake listening to my brain previously. Focusing too much on my goal and neglecting my own feelings and by the time I realize it cause so much damage to my heart to believe and trust and repair back. Im not sure how much more damage my heart can take before it breaks down feeling for anything. Heart can't align with brain, brain dont listen, heart shuts down, causing emotions to keep piling and when brain got overwhelming, forces heart to open. All emotions starts flooding in, crushing and making damage. Then heart start finding, while building walls higher to maintain the undamaged and repair. When heart becomes disappointed, heart give up, brain refuse. Both cant align again and the cycle starts
Heart use to have empathy, kindness and care. Now it just has more hatred, anger and frustration. I can already feel that wall building even higher than previous. My brain is forcing it down so that my end goal can happen. My heart can feel happiness being in a relationship but it didnt have enough faith that it is going to be enough to heal instead it will just cause it to shut down totally.
Looking back I realize what has cause my heart to open up and feel emotions and needs again. My daughter. Having my daughter make me feels emotions once again. She make me feel love once again which is why I can focus on my needs and feelings and move on for myself. She make me feel happy and she make me feel freedom once again. Because love doesnt need to be restricted. And with my tattoo as a reminder. I hope I don't neglect that part of my needs of my heart ever again.
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