我也希望我们的故事没有结束

 离开你 我有多么不舍

明明没有结果 何必再有难过

以为能爱得洒脱 可能是我不懂

爱而不得却给心上了枷锁

丢了你 是我犯下的错

那有什么选择 可惜没有如果

想问你近况如何 是否过得快乐

假如我们不曾遇见过

我们的故事一次一次又一次地走向结局

剩下我一个人还在苦守着那份回忆

是我不够小心 还是爱得太刻意

累了痛了只能够放在心底

我们的故事一点一点又一点地被你忘记

只有我一个人还放不下曾经的记忆

是我不够懂你 还是爱得太专情

我们就爱到这里 我终于放弃了你

无条件的爱

是我没法信任你，还是我太明白带有条件的爱是什么样子？

是我没法相信无条件的爱还你真的可以给予无条件的爱？

是我没有安全感，还是你没安全感？

是我不相信你还是你不信任我呢？

是我想太多了还是你想多了？

是我不懂你还是你没让我懂你？

我好想念你。想念你说支持我的时候，想念你静静的听我说，想念你相信我的样子，想念你在我生气伤心的时候会开玩笑逗我开心。你说我自私不了解你需要的。而你又何尝明白并能接受我想要的？

你真的尊重过我的决定吗？是不是年纪越大，就越难相信单纯的爱呢？

是我太在乎要和适合的人在一起还是我没耐心在和不合的人一起？

说能尊重明白的人，真的能接受与面对吗？

能接受的人往往感受得到。而不能接受的人我也知道也明白

我可以无条件接受你的一切，但你可以无条件接受我的一切吗？

我可以不要求你改变，但你可以不要求我改变吗？

我可以不试探你的爱，但你可以吗？

我可以不要求静静在你身边听你说，但你可以静静就这样听我说陪着我吗？

不做判决不给意见，只求你在，你听，你挺就行了。

开放大度的听着意见。不表示要接受。只表示听到了，会考虑。

为什么我越跟其他人在一起，我就越了解你的行为。为什么我跟其他人在一起，我就越明白你的意思。越让我放不下，但也越让我明白你没这么喜欢我也没我这么爱你。或者说你想要爱但又害怕被爱又害怕没结果。就像我没这么喜欢他，所以我可以很客观的看待事情也能明白你所做的。

我昨天和今天心情又不好了。你知道吗？你能感受到吗？

你说我很自私没有考虑你的感受但你不也很自私吗？

但我就是考虑了你我才能明确的以及现实的给你后路。我不希望有一天你会后悔。

是我太现实还是你想的太简单？

是我看是比较远见还你不想面对？

是因为我太现实让你觉得我不爱你？

我爱你也很想你，但是我不会再找你。因为理智的我没法做到。如果你找我，我也不知道我会不会失去理智的接受。明白吗？

Missing you

I'm officially dating someone yesterday. I like him but I don't love him. At least not now and not like T. He has a good personality. We have common interest. He is knowledgeable and importantly he is ambitious. He take pride in things he do. He is optimistic and he trust me and give me the security I needed. He say he wants to treat me well because I'm a good girl. I want to be there for him as well because he is a nice guy. Let's see how long we can last.

But he has very bad habit of comparing what I did with my exes and him. He seems quite possessive and he like to claim credit for what he has done constantly. He likes to say things opp to his heart. But he is the first guy who trust me and show me all his weaknesses. Im surprised and because of that I will not disappoint him. I was initially disappointed with him because he ask me to help him release on tues. Though he said he will not push, he is only teasing and joking but the words hurt me that night. I felt disrespected. I cried and wanted to leave. He was so anxious because he made a mistake that could destroy his entire chance to be with me. He tried to apologize and appease me but I couldn't believe him anymore. He suddenly make a funny face at me and I calm down. I laughed. He did it because I said the best way to cheer me up when upset or angry is to make jokes etc to make me happy. Distract me. And the thing he thought of at that time was to make a funny face. He remembered. Though he is bad at comforting but I see his efforts and thoughtfulness. In his attempt to prove he is trustworthy, he showed me his bank account. He told me his weaknesses which I appreciated.

Though I'm not sure if his words are lies a not just to get me. But I choose to believe him because he trust me with his weaknesses. Also I want to protect him and I empathize with his situation. The pressure since young to mature forcefully and take up responsibility. The only chance at enjoying your childhood. We are similar in a way. Both of us are derived of our childhood. Both of us have resentment against our father. It prove something at least if a guy is taking the risk to show you everything. He not just understand but he can really accept me like when I say I won't share my finances with my partner. Though he feel is not right but he will understand why. Instead of complaining why I don't, he try to prove that I could believe him.

I didn't accept him on telegram, I told him it needs to be official. Yesterday, he plan a nice dinner picking a steakhouse because I like to eat steak. Arrange a bouquet of pink roses because I like pink. And also wrote a card. He say he is shy to ask face to face. But he still overcome it and ask the question. I accepted him officially yesterday and it is the start of our relationship. 

I know and feel he wanted a kid still. He say he can understand and accept. But can see deep down he still wanted a child. He say he will prove to me he is trustworthy and he will treat me very well and hopefully, I will change my mind. I didn't want to make any comments. I know myself. If I make a decision is very unlikely to change. All the risk I have to go through again. He listens and I know he will try his best to resolve all my concerns. Maybe time really will change my mind in the future. But not now. I don't want to make the same mistake. 

爱情

什么是爱情呢？

我有两种方式

一种是无条件的。比较无私的。不知道为什么可就是喜欢。很火热的。你想要的就是他也是无条件的真心爱你，心疼你，宠着你，给你安全感就可以了。不在乎合不合，不在乎有没有结果。但通常都很短暂没有结果。也不知道是不是为了一时的新鲜感。也不知道如果在一起久了会不会厌倦。但我知道这份爱很深，容易受伤。如果放开了，很难放下还会单方面想着很久。这一种一旦分开通常短暂内没法做朋友。

另一种是有条件的。比较自私的。会看他的优点，做的东西我喜不喜欢。会看他的缺点是否能接受。会看他是否适合。在我要的物质生活里有没有帮助。而我的付出在于他能给的有多少。分开后也是因为他不再给我我需要的。或觉得付出太多亏了。就好像一个投资。是比较长期的。也是那种一旦放弃就不会回头。就属于感情慢慢培养的种类吧。放弃后还是朋友。

第二种也算是爱情吗？

想念

今天我又睡不着，最近我又特别的想念他。到底要多久才可以把他忘了。每个人身上都仿佛有着他的影子。让我一次又一次的想起他。想移情别恋但又没办法。到底为什么？几时这扇窗才能打开？几时我才能放得下这段感情。明明知道他没有爱但心里却一直反对，一直反复的想着我们经历的点点滴滴找借口证明他是有爱的。

我真的很累，也真的不想再想你。让我放下他吧。我想找到真正的幸福，我想找到真正的快乐。我想解脱。我想对他死心。

我也好想念曾经天真的时候，曾经不这么现实的时候。有些东西长大了，就消失找不回来了。经历的又不能抹去。有阴影的又刻在骨子里没法忘。我到底该如何变强大？到底该往哪个方向走才对呢？给我你点暗示，一点指示好吗？

偏偏在低落的时候遇见，偏偏你又对我这么温柔，偏偏你又能让我死了的心从新起动，偏偏你就能引出我的情感，偏偏你又整天让我怀疑。为什么是你？又是我上辈子欠的吗？我们到底有什么缘分？是短暂的停留？还是以后的托付？短暂的停留就不要让我放不下啊。我学会了你要表达的了吗？学会了就让我忘他了吧

Understand

I finally understand what he means, the things he do, why intimacy is important to him and the things he says about love not needing explanation, what he really needs, why he keep asking, insecurities etc. But end of the day, some things can't be erase and restart. Some things can't match and can't forced.

门当户对

Being with a person with same family background is important. Because family background is what shaped your values and principles in life.

Which is also what they say 三观合不合. If both of your have different perspective there is only 2 outcomes. One is compromising another is understanding and acceptance. Of course understanding and being able to accept is a better outcome. But how many people can really understand and accept your differences when they grow up differently? Compromising is the easier way out but is also the hardest to maintain long term.

How long can you compromise on the same difference repeatedly? When a person compromise, the person compromising will have the sacrificing mentality. This creates an imbalance. When imbalance happens, the person will find a stronger aspect of the partner to compensate for this imbalance to maintain balance. If the partner does not have any stronger aspect then it will trigger 2 concerns. Self worth and goals. 

If your goals are different from what you have,

Either you feel your partner is not worthy for you and you take a different path, divorce and leave to pursue your different goals. But there are still need consequences and responsibility that comes especially when you have a kid together.

Or you lower your expectations and stick on to initial path. Diminishing your self worth, giving up on your goals with the mindset of it doesn't matter which partner I stay with. Because you just need someone to accompany the life path of marriage, having kids, work till retirement etc.

The thing about lower your expectations and diminishing your self worth is you lose yourself in the process. You follow a path whereby everyone takes and it makes you close minded whereby you couldn't see the wonders that life can provide and it can be quite demoralizing, no motivation, no direction. Not to mention negativity, stressed and depressing.

One thing I learn from past marriage is a person really has to consider the practical points of long term marriage. Are your goals aligned? Eg being together till old, raising responsible kids, where to retire etc. What are your partner's weakness or what do you hate about your partner, amplify that and ask yourself if you can accept or you are compromising? 

If you cannot accept then I suggest to let go because love cannot overcome everything. People may say communication is important but I will say differently. You can communicate your hardships all you want but the partner will not understand you. Prolonged misunderstanding will result in impatience, unreasonable attitudes and behaviors. More quarrels. And end of the day you will still come to a crossroad to make a decision to stick on with your choice or change path and this can happen repeatedly throughout every single time when you quarrel about the same difference until you really accept your decision/fate or become emotionally drained. 

For now is only one difference. But there could be more. Unless one can understand/empathize and totally accept the difference in background, experiences and the decisions made based on those. 

Empathizing is difficult if you nv been in the same situation and personality differences also plays very important role in empathizing. There must be similarities in personality and interest. Optimistic vs pessimistic. The level of self esteem etc. Adaptability to accept chances.

Past experience

Been reading back on my blog post. I realize things that I have been blind to see or just refuse to see. There are really lots of signs that says we are not suitable and really lots of quarrels. I realize I have been giving in a lot more in the relationship that we have. I am really proud and surprised by how I managed to hold on till today. Despite really wanted to give up but I didn't. The issues are actually entirely the same. And I failed to realize or turn a blind eye to persever. I really have no one to blame except myself. Maybe is really a payback which I have already done. 

And I know the next partner I wanted will definitely not be someone who is not sincere or half sincere. I have to be more practical to let my mind decide than my heart or maybe both. Expectations to be higher now as I know my worth. There is honestly no reason for me to be with someone who doesn't appreciate me. Dor say I was too emotionally dependent on others. Though I don't feel so but anyway. If I don't meet the right guy then I rather be single. But I'm keeping someone in heart and this way, I can filter off people who are not sincere. 

As he said. If it is meant to be, it will come and let's just let nature take course. 

Late night

Can't sleep tonight. Really shouldn't have tea in the afternoon. Keep thinking about someone that I wanted or should have forget. Manage to throw him off my mind for a while and now is coming back all over again.

I really don't know what to think about the things we went through. There is sincerity at times and insincerity at other times and it makes me really annoyed trying to analyze and understand. People and things today somehow trigger and make me miss him all over again today. I know what's past is past and things will never be the same. But I couldn't help hoping.

I hope I can see him with someone else. Then it may break my heart entirely so I can really move on. And I really wanted to move on. There are guys who did ask the question. But I don't want to start with any other guys either. I don't know if it is because of my principles because I haven let him go so I shouldn't be with someone else or because he is still in my heart and I just refuse to let go or I just didn't meet anyone I want to try with. I know I'm setting a super high expectations and sort of pushing people away at the moment. Maybe until someone who can really persever. I know it is easy for me to get someone to take over. A distraction. But at the same time I know how it will end and definitely will end up hurting someone else or myself.

I know it takes time to let go and heal. I'm seriously impatient at the moment that my mind wanted to let go forcefully but my heart doesn't want to let go. Patience is really a virtue which I don't have and I'm annoyed. But there is nothing I can. I just hope it will not take me years to overcome from this. 

There is good news to share though. Which is I passed my driving test last Friday. I really thought I'm going to fail. But I passed. I still feel the tester give me chance that why I passed. Anyway is one goal is down and suddenly I feel lost again about what I should do. I'm thinking of piano lessons but I didn't want to pack myself fully weekly till I have no time to breathe. But on the other hand, I feel like packing myself daily so I think less of him. Because I have been sick for an month, I really feel tired for that past month that I pull through. But there again there are too many things for me to commit. My daughter which I can't give up visiting because of my guilt. My dance because I really enjoy it. It makes me feel like I'm myself. Friends that I know from dating app which I still want to maintain because I really wanted to move on. Having a staycation this weekend and hopefully this staycation can seriously help me relax. I really missed the days where I don't think about anything and sleep through the entire night. Recently my sleep are disrupted again. I wake up like 2 or 3am and couldn't sleep back until few hours later. I tried to avoid looking at my phone but somehow it didn't helped.

Work has been giving me problems too. Because I know I wanted to resign within a certain period, I dont have the heart to put in effort. I'm disappointed because my boss didn't provide what she offered initially. Though the workload is low but her expectations to me are unreasonable and I see myself fighting back on her expectations frequently. Hopefully this doesn't jeopardize my initial plan. 

Now I'm feeling slightly sleepy. Hope I can sleep all the way and still function tomorrow. 

Finally

Finally managed to login to this blog. After so long. Lost my password and forgotten the email. Luckily manage to remember.

Updating my life now

Left glico last year June and now in a Pte ltd company but is supposedly non profit. Plutoinnov. Weird company but salary not bad. However I'm not happy here. So my plan is to resign, travel to Greece for a while. Come back and find job again. Benefits is not as competitive as the director originally said. Very petty company which I don't like. Plus they treat me like admin or secretary to do personal things. Very against my gong si fen ming de nature. The company structure is also very messy. Lots of small weird companies under same owner

I have a daughter now. 3 years old. Born in Dec same as me. Cute active independent and persistent just like me. She knows very well what she wants just like how I am. When she is 8 month old, she try to learn standing on her own. She practices every single day. We didn't rush her or anything but she just wanted to do it. She will keep trying to stand in the cot. Even when her legs fall, she refuse to let go of the cot. I was worried that she will hurt her hands but she nv give her. Seeing her like this is really seeing myself. Past me. Stubborn, persistent with the nv give up attitude. Proud to have a daughter like her. Her name is xin cheng. Name her this because I love stars and starry night. And she will be my star the moment she is born. When she is in my stomach she is also super active. Once there is not much movement and we got a scare rush to the hospital. Fake alarm. She is healthy and fine. But doctor say risk is high because my water is slowly dripping out and her head is not facing down. Ask us to pick a day c sec.

Pregnancy with her isn't very smooth. Got to restrict myself on food a lot that I wanted to eat due to gestational diabetes. Everyday I worry about giving birth to a child that have diabetes during birth. Like my nephew. Luckily she is healthy and well. I thank God for this. But also because of this pregnancy I'm traumatized. I don't think I will ever want another child. The after effect of this pregnancy seems irreversible at least at this moment. Sleepless night, overthinking, depress mood, constipation, lost of craving, irregular menses etc. I'm still trying to get back my nights. It become very common for me not to be able to sleep or waking up frequently during the night. Like a habit or maybe cause of my overthinking. It's like 2am now and I'm not asleep. In the past I won't be able to function next day. But now. I still function because forced to do it last time during feeding. Is bad for health really and I'm trying to get back. 

Breastfeeding was my biggest nightmare. The pain, sleepless night, stress and pressure from a mother instinct is killing me. After having a child, it really hit me how a guy's support is super important at this moment. Sadly I didn't get enough support from my husband. The only thing he knows how to say is don't think so much with his mouth but nth is done. The unfair, depression that hit was bearable luckily. I think every woman face this depression before. Heard it from my friends who has kids also. The emotion and hormones changes causes it. Now I can understand why my aunt went into depression after birth of her 3rd child. If you aren't strong enough to overcome that emotion and you don't have support that you need, it really can cause you to go into depression.

Went to turkey last year. Met a guy quite handsome, nice body as well but younger than me. He like me and was really nice during the trip. Said he wanted to bring me see sunset the next day. Sadly we are leaving the boat the next day morning. Though I'm still in contact with him but I only treat him as a friend. Text and video call sometimes. He wanted me to visit him again. Talk about working in turkey etc or he come work in sg. if he work here the money bring back will be good for his retirement. Maybe when I go Greece if got time maybe will drop by to visit him. Well. See how it goes 

Sadly my marriage isn't well and we are divorcing. I raise the divorce. I just thought it through. Too much disappointment and too little sweetness. Too little communication as well. Raise the divorce before I went turkey. Thought of going for a few counselling to see if it helped to change my mind. apparently not. As I know myself too well. Once I decided to give up, it is done deal. During the trip, I also thought about it. I already relax myself and found myself enjoying my alone time. This in turn make me crave to divorce even more. I feel that I really lost myself too much in this marriage and parenthood. Though I will still be there forever for my daughter because she is my responsibility. I told him maybe I'm just not suitable for marriage. 

After raising the divorce, I was using a dating app which dor recommended. She say to start early cause it can take a year to meet someone. Using it I met this guy. Older than me by 7 years old. I don't know why I like him. Dor say is because he give me the attention that I crave for too much. Maybe I just wanted the same attention how he used to give me. This guy also said something that he used to say to me. Now think of it, the things that talk are quite similar. Same insecurity, same way of asking me to trust him more, telling me he didn't want to spoil me too much. Maybe the guy just reminded me too much of how sweet he used to be to me. I miss him. I really do. Fallen deep in and miss him too much. Dor will say I stupid. Someone say I 恋爱脑. 😂 Maybe I just miss the days when I can love as I like and hate as I like. But this guy is different, he doesn't provide the same security that he used to provide to keep me calm and secured. he has the vibes of a flirt guy that my ex used to give. He is like a version of my exes all end together. 😂 End up we didn't stay together because he is always missing and his reasons are too hard for me to believe. Not as naive as he thought I'll be. One thing I may be attracted that dor enlighten is probably the financial stability that he maybe able to provide. He don't have to work and owns 3 pubs. Another reason which I think I'm attracted is the way he can be open with his emotions which unlike someone who likes to keep it to himself. It makes me tired because I nv know what he is thinking is I can't see through. He flips his interest like a prata. The inconsistent make me annoyed. If a person doesn't know what he wants himself, how is anyone else supposed to know?

Anyway I feel I spoil him too much and watching him deteriorate makes me heartache. He can actually do or grow but with me it just makes him demoralize. We are really not suited for each other. I know very long ago we are not suitable. There are too much bad signs all along our relationship but I choose to ignore and take this path. I have no one else to blame. The day I broke up with him due to his father's incident was the day I shouldn't had agree to patch. That day I know he isn't sincere but I just didn't want to give up the relationship since we were together for a while. 舍不得 and because of this choice, I got to pay for it. Anyway I have woken up being deceiving myself. Is time to change a path.

I have started to let go of the relationship and recovering myself. Been in a depressed mood for too long plus the older guy make it longer. But recently I feel better. Or starting to feel better. Realigning my goals. I happy I met the older guy though not suitable to be together. Because of him, I met a lady who woke me up from confusion and bring me out of lost. She make me clear why I wanted my divorce and connects me back to my original me. Make me realize who I have neglected. And I hope she finds her way too and same for the older guy and his friend.

Now I just look forward to relaxing and relieving trip mid this year. Recently after raising the divorce I have been packing my schedule full. Too full without a chance to breath. After I come back from jb I'm going to try to loosen that up. Given myself a breather. Also previously I have been closing my Pandora box for a while. Though it isn't too negative but it has open slowly and slowly. The sadness slowly flows away entirely. I no longer feel depressed, pity or angry. And I don't suppress these feelings anymore. Let it flows and melt away. Also with the divorce I was very guilty because I decide to give up care and control of my daughter. A lot of ppl advice me not to give her up but I know. Even if I give care and control up I will still be there for her. And I believe she will learn to understand and she is strong enough to overcome this because she has my genes. I also know he will take good care of her. I know I can take food care of her as well but at the expense of my freedom. If I wanted both, this is the best way to balance. And she needs him to be around and im willing to give in. 

There are some guys that I meet also recently. Also friends and nth more. I know what I want and they are also not suitable. Anyway is not a must to be in a relationship. And I'm not in a rush. The right one will come along and walk jointly with me. Until then I can walk my own path. 

Oh and Im keeping diary. Finally have a physical book diary I can keep. Previously I keep here. Now I can keep physical too for emotional things. 😂