Sleepless

Cant sleep at night. 😭

Drank 2 cups of ice lemon tea for dinner. Cant resist homemade kopitiam use teh o made de lemon tea. 

Had charcoal hotpot dinner with my colleagues today. So shiok this dinner. Have been craving for mantou for the past few days and I managed to eat it today. Correct size and correct crispyness. Price also super good. Less than $30 eat until full full.

Recently been eating good food. Nice roe crab and marinated prawns few days back. Brown crab previously. Hotpot today and tomorrow going taka fair with rong rong. Looking forward to eating my fav afogato at the fair. 

Loving how supportive my partner is. Bringing me to wherever and eating whatever I feel like eating and craving for. So blissful. Sadly couldnt bring him along for dinner cause is with my colleagues. 

My little miss is growing up so fine. Better at controlling her temper and understanding things. Question me now even. Told me since I am going to travel on sunday and missed spending time with her, i have to compensate her with a gift. She told me for everyday I am away I have to buy her a gift. I say I only meet u on sunday leh. And I only away one sunday. Then she say ok lo. Then 1 gift. 

I ask her what she want? She told me with a hint. She said I like sweets mummy. So u should know what gift u can buy me. 🤭 So smart now hor. Start to know how to hint liao. I said I not going to buy sweet. Bad for health i dont encourage eating too much. What else? She say she like balloons too. I said ok. 

When I back she nag me. Ask me if I miss her? Say she miss me a lot. Ask me why I nv miss her? I said I got called ma. Then ask me Why I nv bring her along? Why I choose sunday to go and when sunday is her time? Say I can choose other day to go etc etc. I say other day I need ask replacement very troublesome. I ask her u ask ur daddy on behalf of me? She keep quiet. Hahaha. Little scarey. Then keep niam me say I shouldnt choose sun. I say ok ok. Next time I try not to and ask for replacement. Then she satisfied. 

Now know how to ask for more time with me already. Then start to question why daddy always not at home? Why always play games etc etc? 

Now super sticky. But also can make her own decision liao. Ask her next week got 2 options. U want go where? One swimming at sentosa but need shower cold water. Two bouncy castle. She say dont want bouncy cause make her injured. She chose a third option. Stay at my house. Ok. Good for me. Save money. 😆

Every month i do planning with her for the sunday outing. Once a month visit ah ma and tai ma. Once a month go dor house. Another free and easy. 

心疼

那时候我是希望你找一个和你能互陪的对象。至少一样有本事赚钱的能力。虽然那时我不是很同意你跟一个没钱的在一起。但我那时看到了你对他的坚定也相信他，所以我相信你会过得幸福也祝福你。那时我只期待他会一直对你好。

 我听说了后好心疼。你说的经历我都懂也承受过。那种无助自己默默的忍受。试图一再的改变配合直到忘了自我。我可以想象你是怎么痛苦的渡过。我很心痛的是你没有跟我说。而我也没有陪着你。不管你做什么决定我都会支持。只要你开心就好。

Appreciation Day

Today take some time to appreciate and be contented with what I have in my life.

1. A cute daughter

Can be exhausting taking care of her. But happy to have a mini me arguing and negotiating with me every now and then. Prevent me from dementia. 😆

2. A stable income

This is very important for financial stability. Give me the confidence and support to make any decision that affect my mental health. Keeps my options open. 

3. Supportive bf

Having a supportive and dependable bf makes me more comfortable and happier. Although we squabble still he usually listens and willing to give in most of the time. 

4. Healthy and independent mum

Healthy and independent mum reduce worries. She is self sufficient and dont need constant attention. She has her own freedom and activities to do which is excellent to support our daughter mother relationship. 

The short term plan I have now is to have a stable shelter which is coming soon as well and then long term plan prioritising for retirement. Carefree life. Travelling around and resting when needed. ❤️

This year CNY people still give me hongbao. Saying I look too young to be having a child. I hope I can forever look young. Investing in facial do work. 😆

Exhausting day

Last night didnt sleep enough. Woke up on a bad note. Wanted to clear the rubbish got annoyed at the bin. The litter was overflowing then plastic bag too small. 

Complaining about all of it to rong rong. 😭有人宠就是不一样. Immediately he listen. Even when i nag at him nv throw rubbish properly he also just ok ok. Evening he meet me. He planned early to wait there.

Once i reach started saying ok. Later i go ur place help u clear rubbish. Then say next time i include it in my to do list. Every week chore is to clear the rubbish. 🥰🥰🥰

Straight after he say ok I can start complaining to him liao. He will listen and not give comments. So i started complaining and he started scolding together with me. Within 5 min i no more anger liao. 

Feel so fortunate to have someone who can listen to my nonsense and complaints no matter when. Giving in to me despite my temper. Even if im being unreasonable will just patiently absorb. Treating my emotions with care. Love u. 💋

All my prior sadness with my daughter and all 烟消云散. Like they say when you are with the right partner, everything will just feel right and work smoothly. When you are with the wrong partner is like the whole universe is doing thing opp with you. Honestly, I felt that difference. Whether is it mindset or mood etc because character just clash and affect the entire mood and energy, proactiveness etc I dont know. But  there is definitely a difference. 

So in conclusion stay away from inconfident and uncapable people who makes you feel negative and energy low. They will do whatever. Criticism, jealousy etc to pulls you down to their level and block ur shine. Be with people who will give you confidence, let you shine brightly and be proud of you when you did.

You will feel the aura and energy when you are with the right group. Positive mindset, encouraging environment, collaborative work, energy boosting etc. Find that aura and people that matches at the same level.

Bad relationship itself was draining to nervous system, confidence, and emotional energy. When environment is tense, walking on eggshells, or not truly supported, everything else in life tends to wobble too.

In good relationship there is regulation and safety. More emotional energy as felt emotionally safe, seen, and accepted, your body relaxes. clearer decisions will be made. There is more patience, opportunities feel easier to grab, and even setbacks don’t knock you over the same way. Life feels smooth because there is no fighting internally all the time. No survival mode

Overwhelming day

I fell asleep and I woke up. I feel overwhelmed mentally. I felt angry. I recall what happened back then once again with my bf mum. The incident just made me super angry. Recently i kept recalling that incident and my brain just keep repeating what had happened. I cant sleep and I cant rest. 

I cant understand what has triggered but I feel it could have been my daughter recent temper. I had a hard time coping with her. I thought to myself. She was hitting me and beating me. Pulling my pants down in public. Not her intention but she no longer has logic. Shouting and screaming at me. Total meltdown. My emotions were up too. I went into survival mode being angry and my brain just wanted it to stop. Thoughts of spanking her came into my mind because I wanted it to stop. 

But I didnt. I tried not to engage. Cooled myself down. I knew she wasnt doing things on purpose. I knew it wasnt her intention. I try to cool myself down and attended to her calmly. After that hitting and all, i hug her. While hugging her, i melt down too and I cried. I was overwhelmed. My mum was otw to meet us. I tried to keep my emotions in too before she arrived. When my mum came I complained to her. Told her how my daughter had a meltdown. Broke my bag, hit me till my hand and legs were hurt. Pulling my pants etc. My mum kept quiet. 

After she cooled we went for dinner. During dinner my daughter sit and started open the wet tissue. I told her off. I question why she did it and told her in future not to touch. I said because she has opened it, we have to pay for it. She was still very cranky. Clinging on to me. Refusing to eat. I was trying to recover from the incident. Talking to my mum as per normal etc. My daughter was complaining she not hungry and she wanted to go home. My mum was upset cause it was supposed to be a meeting with us. She entice my daughter saying she bought ice cream for her. My daughter became more demanding ask what flavor etc. When my mum said vanilla. She was complaining saying why she didnt buy strawberry etc. Super self entitled. 

I told her what she said was not very nice. My mum also started reprimanding her. Saying today was supposed to be a day with grandma. Grandma was excited to see you. Arrange the time rejected all other appointment to meet you. It only happened once a month. You came and you were upset and angry for no reason. Annoyed to see ah ma complain want to go home. Ah ma met you and heard that you hit my daughter. I started crying. And you made my daughter cry. Ah ma is also very upset and angry but ah ma know she cannot hit you. Because my daughter will be angry at me. My daughter listened and I can feel she is guilty or upset. Tears were in her eyes. My mum continued and say u dont cry. Ah ma just want to explain to u. 

I started translating in english to my daughter what my mum has said. My daughter started pointing to the wet tissue. I realize her behaviour and actions at dinner was because of the mistake has made. I told her is ok to make mistake, learn and dont do it again. I said I will pay for her. She said ok. After that she was happy again, she wanted to go ah ma house to eat ice cream. I said ok. I negotiated with her to have the shower at ah ma place also. 

Otw to ah ma place, i showed her what she had missed. I say u see the bouncy castle and swing etc, you could have played all that if you had not cry for so long. She was disappointed. She ask cant even play one? I said yes. She ask why? I said is late already. I have to send u back home too. She thought about it and said. Is ok i am happy today too. I had a great time. Eat dinner, spending time etc. I ask her if she wanted to come again next week. She thought about it and said yes. 

So when we were at ah ma house i showered her, she ate ice cream. I told ah ma to dry her hair etc. They had a short ah ma granddaughter time together. Ah ma give her eat oranges. She was happy. Told ah ma next week to buy strawberry ice cream. Ah ma agreed. Before leaving ah ma ask her again. So next week you confirm coming? She said yes. 

In the car back home, my daughter was lying on the lap thinking about things. She suddenly told me. Mummy I was worried. I said ok what were u worried about? She say she wanted to be an artist. But she was worried she cant. I said why not? I think she said she cant draw very well. I said it ok. You dont have to draw very well to be a artist. You just need to have stories for ur art. Make it presentable. And then she think about it and said let me tell u a story. And she start going on and on about her story. After that she start resting and closing her eyes. 

I think during her art class, her teacher must have mention something about her art. Her teacher has also told me how she cant color properly and she need to touch up next week etc. I didnt really take note because art is her passion to me. I didnt treat it as her career path. Anyway I was quite surprise she told me that in the car. Looks like she need some guidance setting her career path in future. Well, I am not in a rush to have her set it yet. She is only 6. But will keep it in mind. 

Anyway relate it back, I feel being a mum is hard, but controlling emotions is also not easy. Reflecting back, i didnt take the easy method dealing with his mum. I didnt use any physcial method even when his mum did. And I stayed all the way when it happened. And know where the anger comes from this time. Will talk to him about it. 

Stress co parenting

Last week i was so shocked when im out with my helper. I was told by her that my ex been monitoring where i bring my child to using her tablet. My ex can tell her the location that i bring my daughter to on the day im with her. Stating she bring her to her mum house today.

Now i know why he has been insisting and trying to influence my daughter to bring the tablet out when i say not needed. 

I didnt know he has that location tracking on her tablet and how long he has been monitoring where i brought her to. 

I didnt want to bring it along just these few months because my daughter has been complaining that her bag is too heavy. She is refusing to carry her own bag due to the weight. So I told her not to bring her tablet. Anyway she dont really use it often. Only at meal times when she is with me. She can use the spare phone that i have. 

I feel so disgusted and violated by his action when my helper told me. Knowing that he has been using my child to monitor movements. These bring up my anxiety the past week. I cant have a sound sleep at night. And recalling back the few times he insisted joining the helper to pick up my daughter. My helper say he just wanted to see who i bring my daughter out with. The feeling of being monitored by him makes me feel so unsafe. Why would he do that for? 

My helper says he did that because he is still in love with me, but this isn’t love. It feels controlling, obsessive, and wrong. I wish I could understand his motives, but all I know is that it is affecting me and making my anxiety level high. 

Today i told him my daughter drop her bus card. Told him to take note not to have her bus card hang on the outside of the bag. I said it before to the helper and repeating it to him. As expected he turn it back to me like usual, criticise that i fail my responsibility as her mum. I ask him how he got his card and he refuse to speak. This is so frustrating. Cant he just be collaborative? 

On top of that he start using his usual way to threaten me by not providing things for her when she is out with me. Bus card is a necessity. And he is refusing to provide. I decided not to argue and agreed. Then he started giving me a list of what i should be doing 

I feel so drained and irritated. I want to focus on caring for my daughter, but it feels like in order to do that i have to keep constantly fighting against him instead of being able to parent peacefully.

Recalling the day back when i got so mentally drained i told my friends that i am considering giving up my daughter custody. I felt extremely exhausted and overwhelmed, I asked them for opinion. I rmb my friends told me i decided this path and knew what it involve when i decide to let my ex have her. It really hurt hearing that. Feeling like I abandon my daughter. Honestly I didnt expect my ex to behave in this way. 

But then I reminded myself that my daughter needs stability, care, and a parent who will protect and guide her. And I needed to be that parent. I wish people understood how mentally draining this situation is. I wanted to escape the stress caused by my ex but I want my daughter to feel happy having both her parents in her life and to never feeling abandoned. And i want to make sure that she is not feeling that our marriage failed is because of her. 

Today my daughter had a meltdown. Once again. I notice her grandma is staying at her house and she is having a meltdown with me. My helper mention that my ex is on overseas business trip i think. 

Today her meltdown was full 1.5hours. And the reason was she wanted to play 5 more min on the playground. This is the second time she had this meltdown. Same as the first. I notice both happened when her grandma is around. 

Hearing her crying her heart out repeating she wanted 5 min more make me ache. Then she started repeating she want hugs and she want mummy even when i was hugging and comforting her. I do not know what has happen to her when she is at home. I tried asking her what happen when she finally calmed down but couldnt get to the underlying reason. I ask about school but she seems to be happy with school.  She said she made friends. 

She told me she was upset that she couldnt choose what to do on her day with me. Before her meltdown, she has complained to me that she is upset i plan the day for her and she dont get to decide. she wanted to play whole day. I told her i didn't know and unfortunately i have plan out these 2 sunday with her and i promise her that in future i will let her plan on her own. 

I kept noticing how her emotions are very unstable and unbalanced whenever her grandma is around. I heard her grandma trying to guilt trip her, throwing temper shouting at her and refusing to let her play. It seems like her grandma’s pressure and controlling actions are causing my daughter stress, which may be why she breaks down so easily when she is around. 

Instead of proceeding with the class. Today I comforted her, told her art school that she is not well today and to have make up class next week instead. Today i let her cry it out, went to my house to relax, watch some show and eat lunch. 

Then we proceed to go to my grandma house to have a playdate with her cousin. She seems happy and fine afterwards. I am noticing a pattern that my daughter becomes overwhelmed and has meltdown easily when she is under her grandma's pressure. I suspect the way her grandma tries to control her activities has my daughter feeling overstressed. Which seem to cause her to breakdown so easily when she is around.

It hurts to see her like this, but I really feel so helpless. I just try my best to support her, comfort her, and help her regain stability. Hope that her grandma doesnt visit often so she dont feel so overwhelmed and pressured. 

At times i wonder if i make the right choice to have my ex take care of her. I question if it is the right environment for her especially when in these kind of situation. But I remind myself that I am doing my best to support her, comfort her, and help her feel safe and loved whenever she is with me. I know that making any changes now especially if i decide to fight etc may cause pressure to her. Best to let her decide when she grow up and is more able to make her own decision. 

Boring

Work busy finish liao. Feel like got excess energy. Feeling so bored. No excitment anymore. 

Been 3 months since my last vacation and 3 months till my next vacation. 😫

Calculating my expenses and planning for my future house and retirement. How much I need to save for future. My only kpi left is to buy house and travel around and money is needed. 

Time in exchange for money, money in exchange for travel and happiness. Need money but also need freedom. How to balance? When i buy my house means less money. Need start from scratch to build my little gold piggy. 

Why is working such a dread after a while? Recently getting more relunctant to go to work. I wonder if it is time for a new job? 2 years plus into the job only. This job no more 新鲜感. Need higher income de. 

Happy new year

It is a new year. 2026 i am finally 35 yo this year and able to buy my own hdb. Counting down to my birthday.

Today went jb with my friends. Time flies and our topic now included kids and their wellbeing. Recently my friends been going for plastic surgery. My face has been kind to me. So nv had to worry that much on anything. Honestly i dont feel the need for them to do also. And I always feel it is best to have anything natural. Anything surgical has side effects. Nevertheless respect their decision as our mindset are different. I was nv the type to care about 外在美.

People changes including me. One of my friend ask me how am I with my bf. Well, I finally found a partner that i look up to and happy with. Checked all the boxes that i wanted. We cooperate well at home and compliment each other flaws. We had our doubts and trust issues with each other initially from past relationship. Had a few break up during the process. Eventually with sincerity, manage to clear all of them with communication. 

He was really nasty to began with. Arrogant and difficult to communication. U ask A he answer C. Totally irrelevant and annoying. Being together sort of wear off my patience and mental with each test. Somehow i still give him a chance. Then 2nd stage was when I feel super disrespected by his mum and with his temper issue. Always shutting down during conflict. After a few times i just decided to let go and move on. To me being in a relationship need 2 sided to move towards each other. No matter how much "material" u have, personality still matters. 

I can understand he was hurt before. People play hard to get to see sincerity. But playing hard to get too much can be a turn off. He just overplayed it and got me angry. I left. He was apologetic and I give him another chance. I would say final chance for both of us. Interim trial for a few weeks. Result turn out well. Lots of changes and actions. He has proved his ability to me by learning and compromising through his actions. Saw a worth to stay on and accepted him. 1 year past from that broke up. Everything is well. 

Till now he has been continuous learning and compromising. So do I. Reflecting constantly on my flaws, taking in suggestions to improve. Communicated a lot and adjusted how we work around each other. We directly voice out our disagreement, take turn to listen and understand each other point of view, make changes to collaborate not tolerate. Take turn to give in on small matters. 

Well, I learned one thing from prior relationships which is what is consider a healthy relationship. Away from controlling, guilt tripping, manipulative and being used behaviour. How to be communicative, collaborative, respectful and understanding and lastly very important. How to protect your own boundaries. 

Hope everyone can also find their healthy relationship. If u are with a flawed partner and you cant tolerate, leave. 长痛不如短痛. If you have not reach the mental state to leave my only advice is to just try to maintain ur mental sane. Lower ur expectation for your partner to zero, accept how he is, dont be too uptight and move to self focus. 

One important thing to note is that it is nv ur fault that ur partner has flaws. Everyone has flaws brought down by past experiences, family background etc and it is not ur responsibility that you must tolerate their flaws or change them. It is always their own responsibility to learn to be a better person. Your duty is only to let them recognize their flaw and is their duty to learn and correct it to improve relationship.

If he does correct it, then he is worth to be given a chance. Else it is ok for you if you decide to keep ur standard and find someone else worthy. Nobody is born to tolerate another's person flaws and refusal to change. You deserve better. Of course before you leave remember when you expect your partner to have standard, make sure you yourself have standard. Everybody has a choices. Choose with ur capacity and dont overexpect things. 

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday to myself. Grew wiser every year. I think I nearing mid life crisis. Hahaha

Tired of working but not enough to retire. Feel like is so hard to be contented with life. Used to love my job. Love earning money to get the things I wanted or more like needed. 

Used to have a goal. Having a house having a kid and a car. And then I already have all of that. Is like been there done that. Now my goal is just to retire and travel around. 

So now I just needed money and no longer feel the passion in my scope of work. Since no matter how much you do, is unappreciated anyway.  No longer have the motivation to work. Just wanted to get my money and retire soon. 

Everytime I just thinking to myself if I should get a house or not. If I wanted to work harder and sacrifice time for more income to go faster to retirement. But at the same time I feel tired and wanted to remain as it is. 

Life is so contradicting. 

Grateful

Feeling grateful to have you as my companion. 

It feels like i found someone on the same level of understanding and appreciation. Standing on the same page. Even though having quite an age gap in between.

Life also seems to be better with you around. Like the stars are aligned on a line. Everything just goes well smoothly. A sign of being right. Positive, Happy and Healthy. 

Though one thing is nv enough. More money more money and more money. 1 thing for sure, happy me, happy u, happy us, happy life. 

Perfect fit of the puzzle. Whatever i dont do, u enjoy doing. Whatever u dont pursue, i enjoy pursuing. Whatever i lack of, you have abundance. Whatever u lack of, i have abundance.

Similar in some way but different in another that still fits. 

Recent interference

Cant sleep again. Now is like 4am. Happy that helper is back. All the past 2 months of tolerating comes to an end finally. Thinking about how to settle my future overnight stay with my girl. Though current arrangement is fine until i get my own house. But i feel sad not being able to have the overnight stay access time with my daughter. Feeling my heart ache when she say she want to stay with me and I told her cant because daddy dont allow. 

I can also feel her changes these 2 months when helper away. Her emotions becomes unstable. More shouting and hitting. Teacher also say her emotions not stable which i feel cause by the environment when her grandma is around. Teacher say she overheard grandma shouted at her to shut up when she want to negotiate for more playtime. Sometimes i feel sad hearing all of that. I cant imagine what kind of environment she has. I also face it myself when i pick her up one of the sun. 

Daddy is not around. Ashley is playing her princess lego when i pick her. Grandma saw i here keep rushing her to leave. Telling her to go go go. Say she want to go market. Ashley tried nego but her grandma just shut her down. Then continue take her trolley etc to leave. When Ashley refuse to budge, she throw her temper at her. Roughly handling the trolley before going back to sit on the sofa showing all her discontent. Super impatient.

Ashley also become sad and angry. Went to hit her. I told Ashley off she came over crying and i hug her. Explain to her why we need to leave.  ask her how long she needed and say to give her 5 more min. Honestly even as an adult is in that kind of environment will have a good attitude not to mention a 6 yo. But what can I do? Though heartache but can just tolerate and explain to my girl patiently. Wait till helper is back. 

Another incident was when I let my daughter wear a new pair of earring which i bought for her birthday. My ex say is not allowed in school. He say i stay so near i can just drop by to pass the earring. I say i cant. I told him to just let her wear at night and in the morning remove it. I will change back in next sun. He refuse and insist i find time to return that original earring. Implying and threatening that he will leave her earholes without earrings allowing her earholes to close. 

I got to rearrange my time to go over to exchange for the original only to found out that she was wearing earsticks. I dont understand why he need to insist i go over when he already has a solution. When things like this happen i really feel so frustrated and annoyed. I knew he will do that if he knew i stay nearby which is why i didnt want to disclose my privacy. Insisting i return things that was forgotten or wanted by him which was not as all important. 

Also with the environment with his mum, i wanted more time to be spending with her to calm my daughter's feelings show her love and care so she dont feel disrespected or unloved or uncared but I didnt want to share my address with him. Neither do i want to communicate or renego. Is too tiring. I can only guide her how to understand feelings or ppl show them differently. How to properly patiently explain what u feel and communicate.

Also currently I have to travel overseas in order to get my overnight access and to spend more time with her without the need to provide my address and without need argument etc. But next year Ashley is going to pri school. I can only travel either jun or dec and i still cannot have my house. 

Also I need to save money for house. Cant travel too often anymore. But if I dont travel i cant get overnight access. When I get my house and start requesting i hope he forgot about asking for address or have already given up that thought. 

Really didnt want to have to speak with him. So unreasonable always finding trouble. Ask him pack clothes also need question where i go? Else he dont want pack. Inform him what to prep in advance still ask me remind him again. I not his pa leh. Tell him to put his own reminder then threaten me again say if i dont remind he forget then i just wait for him to change lo. Or just let Ashley attend like that lo. Ridiculous honestly. I dont understand what is his prob. Why does he always have to threaten with Ashley wellbeing and trying to guilt trip me for his responsibility. 

If helper is around all is ok. No problem no issue. But if helper not around a lot of issues. Nv shower her also a prob. Get mosquitoes bites also a prob. Ask him pack clothes also need to argue. Only when i say i record every pick up and drop off then he quiet down. Else Every thing also want to control. That why I hate needing to communicate with him. Whenever my relative ask me to change access date etc to accommodate for entire family i really quite relunctant because he always will find ways etc to threaten and control. Be it the recent case of insisting i return Ashley at 9pm when order show 10pm. 

Usually i return Ashley early between 8-9pm because she has school next day. I also know she usually sleep around 9plus. With me if outdoor whole day she can felt asleep at 7 plus in the car. I didnt want her have late nights. That day was later than usual as she was having fun with her cousins playing till quite late. I also tried cutting it short and ensure she back by 10pm. Out of courtesy told my ex she will be back later than usual to have him insisting i sent back by 9pm. I just feel like ignoring him. Arguing with him just make my mental unrest and annoyed. Also he not always home during pick up or drop off. He will be out quite often. So i pray that he is away everytime. Then no conflict dont need see his face or hear his stupid comments like oh why so early etc. Early want say, late also want say. As long as he is home he got a lot of comments. 

Because of all his interference i even have the thought of giving up my child entirely. Recently it has been better. Only when helper not around conflict will start. But at least conflict not full blast type. Lucky for me i still tolerate and maintain. My friends always say when i give him my daughter. I given him the access to control everything. Yea. I felt that through all the threatening with my access time. Everytime i dont do things in his favor or as he wanted, he threaten me. From initally threaten me that i must report where i bringing my girl out for day time access else i cannot bring her. To when i have overnight access at his house to get out of his house. Till not giving overnight access until i give my address. Constant threaten. 

Because of those incident, i often get sleepless night thinking about the argument what to do, should i go to court or not? Should i give up my access right? Need consider the cost incurred, need to consider take leave also to go court. how to present law cases. How to negotiate. Also trying to take care of Ashley's feelings. Didnt want to argue with him in front of her. Also didnt want to call police in front of her after the last case. 

The judge mention something too. Is not nice for ur daughter to always have to see the police coming at such a young age. Can be traumatic. I do agree. But do i have a choice? If someone isnt being so difficult and always threatening with my access right i wouldn't have the need to. 

1 more year till i get my house. Probably foresee another big case coming if i need to fight for my access right once again. Hopefully time has tone him down a little on his ego and controlling behaviour. But given the latest situation without helper, nth change in him so far. Only thing change is i stop arguing. As long as i have my access, nth else matters. He can criticise and scold all he wants. 

Anyway deal with it in future. Very late liao 5am already. Got to sleep. Tomorrow still got to work. 

Work progress

Recently I have been having too much mental stress on work. Worry about things that werent even my scope. 

Trying to take a step back to see things more clearer and putting less stressed and expectation of myself. Giving more accountability and responsibility to others. Believe that people have eyes to see for themselves instead of judging from hearsay. 

Gossip are just gossip. Not for judgement. Less complaints more problem solving. Look for a direction that can escalate and resolve problems. Less worrying about politics. If the culture and environment is not right then find another. 

If there is hope then try to resolve it and hope everything will be better. 

Today replenish my sleep from a whole week of work stress. Spend time with my RR today.  Tomorrow is my cousin's wedding. Family time and Ashley time. 

Emotional stability

I was so frustrated and angry about the ptc that happened today.

1st of all my ex went in and start asking negative questions about how is my daughter chinese? Is she mingling well with the boys? Lastly criticising my daughter about her emotional outburst. 

1st question. The teacher said that her chinese was improving. So this shut my ex up because he wanted to complain that Ashley isnt speaking and refusing to speak chinese at home or with her mum. Why? Simple because she is not providing an encouraging environment at home for her to. His mother isnt patient and He tends to punish daughter for not speaking in chinese and likes to correct her when she is wrong. Who would want to speak when being criticise. Instead of finding fault with himself and to provide a better environment he just want to find someone else to agree with him to make himself feel better that is my daughter's fault than his lack of guidance and encouragement. 

2nd question. No idea what he is trying to imply with that question. Maybe wanted to mention that my daughter has some bias of men because of me etc. Teacher answered this question very logically. She said no. Ashley has standard and know what she wants. Boys tend to be a nuisance. Yes in my heart i agree strongly. And when boys be a nuisance with her. She will fight back and not want to be around them. Of course she has to protect her own boundaries rather than let some idiots bully her and pollute her peace. I will say well done to my daughter. You dont need to tolerate ppl who you feel not as the same level be it boys or girls. Because my ex cant find any fault once again he kept quiet.

3rd this is when he find the chance to criticise my daughter and putting blame and judgement on her. The teacher was complaining about my daughter sudden outburst in class and started shouting. She couldnt calm down. My ex continues criticising her mentioning that she is often like that when she is cranky due to lack of sleep etc. Blaming my daughter for everything. Whose daddy dont try to understand and speak for his daughter instead of allowing ppl to criticise and still say that his own daughter is emotionally unstable. What kind of daddy is this? I explain to the teacher that my daughter always has a reason why she gets angry. And it may not be easy to understand what she is angry about. She is young is hard for her to communicate her needs sometimes and she need patience. 

That is when the teacher said there has been an incident. She ask if ashley talk to her daddy about it. Apparently not. Because the teacher told us she threaten her about telling her daddy about her emotional outburst if she doesnt calm down. This is a way that is wrong. It means u are treating a kid outburst as a mistake. That is not what a teacher should be doing. So she continued saying about an incident with my ex's mother and my daughter. My ex's mother shouted something nasty and not so nice to my daughter. See and that is the reason why. So the story is my daughter wanted more playtime. Which the grandma disagree. So my daughter tried negotiating for a longer time which she disagree. Because my daughter refuse to leave and was trying to negotiate for more time. The grandma got annoyed and shouted at my daughter to shut up. What a mature way to resolve and issue. And most importantly what a role model. 

And how do they have the cheek to expect my daughter to be emotional stable when they are providing such an unstable emotional environment. With frequent shouting at home and no guidance to resolve issues. An adult with that many years of age cant even regulate her own emotions properly and they expect a 6 years old to be able to? Honestly i would have reprimanded my mum if she is like that. But i know he wont. Because he only knows how to blame his own child. Than to blame himself and his mum. 

I repeatedly said my daughter always has a reason why she is angry. And when i tried to explain my ex keeps interrupting me. Trying to push the blame that my daughter is critical always like to nego. Frustrated i kept quiet listening to him ranting about my daughter being unreasonable and emotional unstable. Hard to manage etc. My daughter was also listening to everything he has said. I just kept my cool until the end. He wanted to say cons about my daughter negotiation skills and said my daughter talk too much etc.

Then the teacher continued saying how my daughter is an encyclopedia knowing every facts and sharing with them even things that they didnt know. She said she learn from youtube. How my daughter is very mature. Her negotation skills are very good. She make a mistake and her processing problem solving skills are very good. She will keep giving solution and trying to solve the issues. She take up responsibility on her own. Saying how my nobody in class that kind of maturity like her. That when my ex then stop trying to criticise his own daughter and start claiming credits. Saying oh ya cause i treat her like a friend, talk to her nicely. Never give her the i am an adult u must listen to what i say things. 

When he said all this i am like ya right. Tell this to ur mum. Also what u just said has nth contributing to her skillsets alright. He has zero guidance toward my daughter. Just simply see how he react when my daughter has an outburst and you know how immature and irresponsible he is. Why my daughter was younger she always cry when angry. I nv blame my daughter for an outburst. I always hug her and let her cry. Then i ask her have she cry finish? Then i ask what happen why is she upset or angry. Then i told her crying has no use. She need to learn to speak what she need. Everytime i encourage and said oh u only cried 30 min etc. Eventually the frequency and period of cry got lesser. Over time, my daughter stopped crying and started speaking what she want. 

He also has zero analyzing and understanding skills. He dont even see why his daughter gets angry except for she is too young so she cant regulate her emotions. I have to rebute that. my daughter is a very mature girl and she is much better at regulating her emotions than an adult. She not happy she will nego than to shout and demand or cry when she dont get what she wanted. Because she burst and cry a few times. I let her cry. I comforted her and I told her this. I said u see u cry and u wasted so much time when u could be doing something better like playing more with kor kor. And if u want something, crying doesnt get u anything. U just wasted time. Instead use nego. Nego may not be 100% useful but u can try. And say please. That's when she learn nego. And i change my way. I starting ask her 2 or 4? Giving her choices. Teaching her how to nego 

By seeing the earlier cases u know he has zero prob solving skills. He share nth useful to the teacher on how to resolve. Only complains and criticism to my daughter. What's his guiding? Telling my daughter u are not to be upset even if grandma ask u to shut up? Hahaha. Or is it keep quiet when he knows his mum is in the wrong? Not to mention his strength is being super hardworking at pushing blame to others and criticise others and not apologizing when he knows he is in the wrong. I just sit there and watch show while he tries to act. What a clown. 

After all that, I said u finished? Ok u can leave i have things i wanted to talk to the teacher separately. He refuse to go and wanted to sit at next table saying that he want to listen to something i say about his daughter. 

Ok. I just ignored him and I explained to the teachers. I give the teacher the background of cause. I said the helper is away in Indonesia. She is being taken care by his daddy and grandma. Apparently the environment at home isnt stable. There is definitely frequent shouting and blaming etc. Like u mention his mother ask my daughter to shut up. Therefore it is normal that Ashley tend to be emotional unstable because of the environment she is in. She felt disrespected at all. When she feel disrespected or her opinions wasnt listen to she tend to be angry. 

Then i shared the solution. What they need to do is guide my daughter out of her emotions. They need to be patient and ask her question then listen to her. When she is angry she isnt listening she cant listen. They have to acknowledge her feelings then ask her question. Why is she angry? What does she need? This will set her focus on analyzing again than to focus on emotions. They need to guide her into that direction not telling her she need to calm down. 

I gave an example on an incident when i was speaking to my mother. My daughter shouted for her ah ma for a few times. She didnt answer. So my daughter became angry and starting shouting. That why i told her. Not to shout and I said Ok im listening now what do u need? She explain herself keep saying ah ma is not listening to her. I say ok but we were talking so she is not listening. So what u need her to do? What u want? Then she kept continuing saying she is angry ah ma was not listening etc. Then I say ok u are angry because ah ma is not listening then can ah ma apologize to u? She still continue. I say ok what u want? Ah ma already nv listen so? Why u need ah ma to listen? Then she started saying she wanted to play with the chairs and wanted us to stop and wait for her then ah ma keep walking so she shouted and we didnt stop. Then i say ok. Then should we walk back then? She say no need. But she angry ah ma nv listen. Then i told ah ma to apologize and i said. Ok ah ma apologize can u forgive her? She said ok. Then I told her a solution that next time she can tap on ah ma instead of shouting.

In conclusion, what she needs is guidance to speak her needs and solution. Not blame and definitely not a threaten for outburst. Why would u blame someone for showing why she is upset or angry at something or someone? 

The teacher just said thank you for telling us all these. We will try. I hope they really try. And dont judge my daughter when she has an outburst. Instead their role is to understand and listen. Not judge and complain but guide toward solving. 

My daughter come to me with a complain. I will always ask her what happen? Then how? What is she going to do? Lead her the way to prob solving and she will solve it herself. Of course sometimes she cant then u need to teach her what to do and give her solution. But my daughter is super smart so she learns quick. Lucky for me, she has my genes. Some ppl u teach 10 times also like an idiot. Answer put in front to see also can wrong. 

Peacefulness

Just when I am having some peacefulness in my life, some idiot acts up. Same usual tricks of complaining, guilt tripping, criticising. Trying to maintain control, boost his manly ego and avoiding responsibility since helper is not around. Nobody is available to let him show his weight around and bully. Nobody to please him. So he is in desperate need to control someone else. 

Honestly it is just a small matter but nth better to do ppl likes to take small matter and bring it up into a big commotion. What's the top of these nonsense? 

1. Mosquitoes

2. Daughter's item

3. Visitation rights (Newest showering)

Always bothering me over my daughter going home with mosquitoes bites. Honestly, i dont understand what the person is expecting me to do with it. Move to a planet without mosquitoes? Or maybe I can do some research and alter the dna of my daughter not to get bitten by mosquitoes. If I can I will do that on myself first. I hate mosquitoes. 😆

My daughter's items. I dont know what's in his brain that he consistently thinks that my daughter's items are like super valuable that needs to be protected. Somewhat delusional and coo coo that I will steal my daughter's things. From previously accusing me of stealing my daughter's gold ankle (which btw was bought by my mum to my daughter as a gift) to water bottles, clothes, swimsuit, socks, tablet etc. Asking him to pack and provide for my visitation seems like a super difficult thing. I often get question back with why? Oh. I need a swim suit so that I can bring her to play arcade and I need her water bottle so that I can swing and hit someone else with it. What a 🤡. But he really like to ask obvious questions. Doubting his IQ. Could be only at the standard of 3 yo. 

Visitation right. Joint custody. His main care and control but demanding me to have my daughter showered before I send her home during my visitation right? 😲 multiple times threatening me with my visitation rights when I dont comply with his demands. I have been nice to shower her whenever possible past 2 weeks. Definitely not my obligation to. I am nice and polite telling him Im out of my daughter's clothes. Requested him to provide a batch of clean set of clothes last week which he refuse and told me he will only provide this week. When i pick up my daughter today arrogantly told me he did not provide clothes today. Funny that he still expect that I would be able to shower her without any clean set of clothes. Possible due to years of experiences of cleaning up after all his shit. In his eyes, Im probably a doraemon. I have a toilet which is nice and clean with hot showers that I can conveniently pull out from my pocket and my daughter can be showered in whenever we are out. 

If Im a doraemon, I will probably make him an alone hidden island whereby he can use sand to build his own high rise atas castle, able to multiple himself, fight between the multiples to choose who is to be king to be able to control the rest of himself. 

Tired

Recently a bit tired. Like no mood do anything. I think I use up too much energy on our philippines trip. Lucky work is not very tedious. Managed to reconcile a few things. Audit FS also sign already. 

Since we came back from philippines didnt really meet up much. Last week I was too tired mentally. Had some argument over minor things so didnt meet. I met up my ex colleagues and go eat durian with my colleague. 

Good thing is when im mentally tired i was given space to chill and then we always connect back after. Same for him. Same level of understanding, same level of freedom, peace and space. Despite argument and quarrels, we nv mentally drain the other party. For this I very happy that we are very well aligned. 

RR got a lot of work recently. Whole day outside running repair. This week mon and tues we also didnt meet. 

Today he showed me a photo of a kambing soup. I say look very nice. Next time tabao for me. So he decided to arrange today went to tabao a michelin one for me to try. Came to my office and fetch me. We ate dinner at my house void deck. 

He say he was too busy for work. So today he had some time and energy. Tabao come over see me and treat me for dinner to make up for his busy schedule. ❤️

His colleagues didnt know he already tabao nasi lemak and got 1 for him. So he Got 2 sets. And I ate 1. I hate getting my hands oily and dirty. So he help me deattach the mid wing and hold my chicken wing for me without the need to ask. I say u can put down. I can use fork poke. He still prefer to hold and feed me. 

When a person cares, he will find time and make effort to see you happy and smiley no matter how busy. He will understand your habit and personally accommodate to them. 

Thank you

I came to a realisation that the loss of you may be the main reason for my sudden enlighten  to see the true colors of my previous marriage. The loss of you gave me clarity. It also shifted my perspective, opening my eyes to parts of my own life I am ignoring or tolerating.

The loss allows me to feel empathy. Allows me to feel self love and self compassion. Allows to listen to myself and my own feelings. Allows to me take a step back and stop rushing into forcing myself to reach goals. Allows me to reconsider my choice and to rethink if it is what I wanted. 

The loss of you opened my eyes to my own boundaries, needs, and the reality of my marriage. Although that awareness is painful, but it’s also a gift.

And so Im grateful and thank you. I hope you are at peace now with your mind and heart. I also hope we will meet once again as a family.

Chinese new year is coming. It is supposed to be a happy occasion but it becomes a less happy occasion now because of you. Every cny you will always be there. But Im glad that I can always picture you smiling and happy. Always winning during gambling and treating mcdonalds with your winnings. Im glad that whenever I picture you, it always happy, cheerful and positive. 

I hope you are happy, cheerful, smiley like how I picture you and I hope death have removed all your pains and worries. 

Grief

I think it has been almost 4 years since you passed. But the guilt doesnt seems to lesser as days pass by. 

I should have known better and I should have trust my instinct. These have been repeating in my mind every day since then. 

Ppl have been saying that you wouldnt have change anything. But I dont know that. Maybe it will if I have trusted my instinct. 

Because of this, my anxiety level is always high. I am always on high alert until I cant sleep at night. I am always on high alert and awareness to make sure that I do not miss any instinct points. 

I kept asking myself if I have a sign or if I miss a sign. 

I need to learn to chill. I need to learn to let go of the guilt and trust that you left with peace in your mind and heart. 

Whenever Im feeling anxious. Pause and notice my feelings: “I feel uneasy about this decision — why?”

Ask practical questions: “What facts do I have? What are my boundaries?”

Set a time limit: Decide after a short period of reflection, rather than endlessly ruminating.

I need to practice self trust and self compassion. 

I am safe in this moment. I dont have to have all the answers in the world. 

Bring awareness to a decision. Ask myself 

How do I feel about this choice in my body?

If there are tightness, tension, unease etc, that is your instincts. 

Ask myself how I feel. If i feel calm etc. No right/wrong. No self blame. 

Do not try to decide yet. Just observe.

Remind yourself: instincts are signals, not guarantees

Then ask myself. “What information/facts do I have?”

“What do I need to feel safe making this choice?”

“I am learning to notice my instincts without blaming myself.

I can handle what comes. I trust myself more each day.”

“I notice my instincts. I don’t have to be perfect. I can handle what comes.”

Self trust

 1. It’s normal to feel unsure after being hurt

When someone turns out differently than you expected — kind at first, then hurtful or unreliable later — your brain remembers that mismatch. It starts doubting your instincts.

But that doesn’t mean your judgment is bad. It means you trusted with the information you had, and the other person showed you only part of themselves at first.

People can hide, change, or act differently under pressure. That’s not your failure — it’s part of being human in relationships.

2. You can’t eliminate uncertainty — only manage it

There’s no way to guarantee you’ll never misjudge someone again. But you can create safety through how you approach trust:

Take your time before fully trusting.

Watch for consistency — not charm, words, or promises, but patterns of behavior over time.

Let trust grow in layers, rather than giving it all at once.

This way, if someone does disappoint you, it won’t destroy your sense of safety.

3. Check your fear without silencing it

Your fear is trying to protect you, but if it gets too loud, it can block connection. Instead of fighting it, talk to it:

“I know you’re trying to keep me safe. Let’s stay alert, but also open — we’ll watch and learn.”

That’s called wise trust — not naïve trust, not total avoidance, but a grounded middle.

4. Rebuild your confidence in reading people

This takes practice. Try small experiments:

Notice first impressions — and then keep observing. Were you right about that person’s energy or values?

Write down your gut feelings and check them later.

When you’re wrong, ask: What signs did I miss? When you’re right, acknowledge it.

This helps you calibrate your instincts instead of dismissing them completely.

5. Be gentle with yourself

Everyone misjudges people sometimes — even the most emotionally intelligent ones.

The goal isn’t to be perfect; it’s to be self-aware, open, and resilient when it happens.

You can say to yourself:

“I may misjudge someone again, but I can trust myself to notice, learn, and protect my boundaries next time.”

That’s real self-trust.

Travel trip philippines

Seems like ages since I last went on a beach holiday trip to relax. Due to RR going cebu for a business trip. I joined him. 

He covered my flight, hotel and some of the meals expenses. Went there for 12 days. Had super great time. We went jetski, parasailing, sea trekking, snorkelling with turtles, sardines, rays and sharks. Cant rmb when was the last time I have been so super charge by a beach trip.

We both agreed this trip is much more happening and exciting than our trip to bangkok. He said he will nv go explore all these activities if he is alone. Being with me give him an opportunity to do all of these. 

We came back today. I ask if he miss going home. He said yes. Cause there is a lot of work back in sg waiting for him and he miss his bed. Cant blame as the bed in cebu is really not up to standard. Not to mention the non sound proof walls. So damn noisy.

I said when we retire not working. We can travel 2 weeks overseas 2 weeks back at sg. He say he prefer to hop around the world. 1 month here and 1 month there. I said u dont miss home meh? He said what home? I say home back to sg. He said my home is with you. ❤️ If not cause of responsibility for work, he dont have to be back. 

I have been reflecting why is the trip so enjoyable?

1. We both have respect for each other private times and habits. He gyms i dont. He eat bf and I dont. We arrange hotel with gym and plan around the habits. We dont overstep, pressure to join or rush each other. We are both doing thing together and also alone at our own pace. This is also why my holiday is enjoyable with my best friends. Together but still Free. Except of those dangerous activities. 

2. We communicate and plan things together. We take each other opinions into consideration. He is not a person that can stay out in the sun for too long. So we arrange alternate day indoor and outdoor.

3. We look out for each other and remind each other on things to take note like rmb to bring camera, power bank etc. 

4. We help each other. Making use of our strengths while the other compensate for the weakness. Though most of the time he provides and directs. Since Im the more clumsy and forgetful one. He carried the luggages, planned, booked the transports, packs and unpacks the bags needed daily. I helped with the smaller task based on my strength and within my means. 😆 

5. Not everybody is perfect. Things dont always go our way and we make mistakes. But we dont harp on each other mistakes and we dont cry other spilled milk. We apologize when we need. Treat all as learning points. We let each other win during differing opinions. When things are off we just enjoy each other's company while waiting. 

The main purpose is we just enjoy our time being together and doing things together. Even if it is doing nothing. No fights, no quarrel, no arguments. Cant wait for my next beach trip. 

偏爱

人都喜欢被偏爱

偏爱是什么？

就是把对方放心上

设身处地为对方着想，为对方做事

比如

不想吃的东西会因为她想吃而尝试

没兴趣的事会为了有更多相处的时间而一起做

因为她累主动做好家务让她有更多休息的时间

知道她在为钱焦虑时包她伙食费用

知道她脚疼时按摩她的脚

知道她常脚疼买舒服的鞋，鞋垫和按摩机给她

知道她不爱运动买潜水能用的耳机激励她游泳

知道她想检测睡眠买个检测睡眠的表

观察并且记得她的喜好

下载她喜欢有怪物有动物的戏给她看

在对方很生气时尽量保持冷静

在情绪不受控制以前转移注意力

在吵架时先站在对方的立场和感受道歉和哄

然后再耐心沟通解决问题

在她想变健康时陪她吃简餐

把她所有的目标当作你们共同的目标

在你有能力的范围内支持她完成

把每天都活的开心变成共同目标

把身边只能是她当作共同目标

把一起共度余生当作共同目标

为一直长命在一起而保持自己身心健康愉悦