Childhood part 1

I seldom or never really talk about childhood because it is the past.

Recently I seem to say about it more than usual. Most of it to explain the decision I made in hope of being understand.

I hate people telling me about maturity and age. Maturity and age does not go hand in hand. People can be force to mature super young due to their family background and circumstances. I have seen people who are still super childish like my mum. They don't grow with time and they don't seek to learn.

I won't say my childhood was terrible as there are many worse than me. However, I would not want my daughter to have that kind of childhood. I want her to have a happy childhood. One without financial worries or any other worries. I want her to find her goals in her own time. I want her to focus on being happy than force to sacrifice for others at a young age.

I live with my mum since young. My mum is a very superstitious and bias person. She is disappointed when she give birth to a girl than a boy. She constantly talk about it and blames me for not being a girl. Because I'm a daughter, she controls me in hope that I will not go her path which I understand but is very hard as I long to have freedom due to that.

Because she lacks of trust, love and care since young, she is often insecure. She needs a lot of assurance in security from me and it's hard for me to keep up. Because I prefer she be independent than depend on me or others. Due to lack of security, she loves money more than me and I can understand. Despite my understanding, I still refuse to let her depend on or say sweet words that assure her that I will take care of her. Maybe in a way to punish her. But I know I just afraid of responsibility. I don't want to be responsible for something and that I have to sacrifice for. I seen my mum sacrificing her entire life to bring me up. I have seen her trying to depends on others, tolerating others in order to accommodate her daughter. And I really despise her actions. If she is strong enough, independent enough, why can't she work on her own to support me instead of keep trying to rely on others.

Because of her actions, I know very well the only person you can depend on is yourself. Seeing her sacrificing makes me angry and I vow to give her a happy life without financial worries. I vow to not let anyone bully my mum. I vow to compensate her on things she lost. Also because of her, I hated liars and flirts. A flirt can ruin a person's entire life plus the next generation. Whenever I meet a flirt, instinctively I will want to revenge on that person by making him pay financially. Which others don't understand why I have this strong sense of justice for this. I learn to let go this over time. 

My father is an abusive person. He is disrespectful to girls. Plays with them like toys. He gets violent whenever he is angry. He is egoistic but like to depend on woman. My mum ask him back to depend on him. But during his time with my mum, he didn't work, depend fully on my mum and me. When it comes to my study, he said woman don't need study so much. No use. Whereby he himself as a man is such a failure depending on a woman. I heard stories from my mum that he invest his money paying other people's kids. So is not he cant. But he choose where to invest in and we are not one of them. I understand why. Because my mum was too needy and he make use of that point to manipulate my mum. My mum was stupid enough to think she has the power manipulate him. She still wanted to have another child with him. Luckily that child didn't survive. Else I really don't know what situation will all of us be in now. Because of that child, she guilt tripped me for my entire life till I grew up. I was angry for that. I will forgive but nv forget. For my father, I nv wonder why he is like this because I wasn't close to him and I hated him since young for making my mum this way. I knew why they need to part because they were just not suited for each other. As I grew up, nowadays I hate him less. Maybe he has his own background that makes him this way which I don't know. But I still hate him for being not strong enough to control his emotions and learn from mistakes. I know some guys never reject easy woman for I also won't reject easy guys during my sec. But that is story for another time. And there are some guys who likes to act saint and feels that if they reject girls, they will be too upset to survive. 

There are a lot of things I learn from my parents. A lot of things I see clearer since young. Life is never fair. I get judge a lot since young due to being the only child and single parent.

Only child person are usually spoilt. They don't know how to share. They don't know how to socialize etc. They are weird. 

Single parent family are being despise on. The parent are often judged being difficult person etc. Divorce are not a good thing in the past especially for woman. Nowadays is very common. 

Due to my background, my best friend in primary school collude with others to bully me just to gain popularity in the group and to be accepted. I don't blame her as she suffers the same way I did. Same single parent same single child. I have seen ppl who was once my friend became an enemy once they realize my background. I seen teacher who pity me when they realize my background. Instead of being pity I rather be bullied. What is wrong with being in a single parent family or in a single child family? Because of my school, I seen how rich kids makes friends. People just crowd around her. I have seen how she use money to make use of people do things for her and dispose them after that. 

I don't know why but I can see reality in life much easier and earlier while people are complaining about how they are born. I accepted my background immediately.

I had make use of people when I was in my student care during pri either. Something I'm not proud of. A boy that love me when I was young. Yes he is willing to do that out of love and I'm willing to make use of his love to boast. I have been through another tragic moment during my student care too. A event that traumatized me till now. One that make me untrustful to a guy and also slightly afraid of intimacy. I was molested by a boy same class as me. I didn't speak up. Tried to avoid as much as I can but he chase me all over the centre. There is no place to hide. Until I had to speak up. My form teacher switch seats for us in order to avoid. The school principal didn't do anything like expell him etc. She still say the boy is still young. They just playing and just disregard it. Because she was also bias, the boy was her fav student, instead of being fair, she victimized me. Saying I think too much etc. Make a fuss out of nothing. Since the boy stop after that, I did not pursue. But this incident left a scar on me. One that I can't shake off. I didn't realize until things happen in later stage. 

These are just some things in my pri school. Since is a girl's school. There are more things like girl girl relationship that I have seen etc. 

I never gets upset with my background. I never wonder why I was born in this family because all this makes up who I am, how I am and I learn from all these. I never complain why my parents give birth to me and can't give me the best because I know my mum did her best to provide. I am contented and grateful with what I have as there are a lot of people less fortunate. There is nth to compare about. U can choose to accept your background and start being better, work hard to improve your own life that you want. Or you can keep complaining and still be in the same level no matter how many years past because life is in the hands of yourself and only you can change your own future. 

看透

我今天看了一个影片，说明一个被背板的女人去找一个要自杀的囚犯，跟他经历曾经跟丈夫的过往。

我就在想到底我喜欢你呢还是想在你身上找到活在过去在你身上想经历一场曾经的过去？

T的温柔体贴以前他也做过对吧？T说的话让我想起他也曾经说过。我有时在想是我在你身上想找到曾经他的影子吗？而因为你不完全是他一旦做了不一样的事而觉得生气吗？你的话真的让我意外也好奇因为跟他说的一模一样。我不想太宠你因为以后不宠了你会失望会觉得我不爱你。而你在别人面前坚定的选择护着我也是他曾经做过的事。而你也在我身上再找她的影子对吧？我们好像都在对方身上找着前任的影子。是因为你太像他了吗？

我也没法知道为什么要呆在yc身边。是因为他有着一样的身材？抱着一样的舒适感吗？还是他有着曾经向上的心态？昨天他的话让我非常的熟悉。曾经有人也说过一定不会宠溺孩子。我做过的事也是曾经在他身上也做过的。而我一直不开心的事也是因为他跟他不一样的地方。是我在把他改变成我要的模样吗？

所以说我到底喜欢他们吗？而放不下的是T还是他比较像的影子呢？

其实我心里一直知道放弃的主要原因。是因为我们的关系已经没法回到如初的时候。我不想面对这个改变。是我让你失望没能在相信我而你也一样做出我没法相信你的事。没有信任都感情没法延续。我也看清我们回不去了。

Today yc got assignment. Didn't come to have dinner with me as promised. Quite disappointed with him. Previously we still saying want to eat tanyu etc. At that time he didn't say he can't make it. Then today last min told me can't reach before 9. 

So annoyed. Now I craving for tanyu but can't eat. luckily rmb a stall at somerset 313 foodcourt have a individual one similar to tanyu. Went to eat suan Cai Yu set. Then got to eat my fav injeolmi bingsu. Don't know why order bingsu (cold) then still order a hot matcha latte (hot).

So cold weather still eat cold bingsu. Hai. Craving still have to curb. 😂

Enjoying some alone time on my own. 

放不下

为什么我很想放下，却越想念你T，越心痛。越跟别人一起，我就越能看见你对我付出的地方。越明白我到底做错了哪里。越明白你为什么会对我失望。但我也越知道分开也是因为你没坚持的理由。如果你真的相信我，你也不会放开。而我也明白，第一次你没坚持的理由没是因为我没有给足你需要的。第二次的复合原本就是个错。因为你已经对我没信心而我还在坚持。你不想拒绝但又害怕付出。让我在忽冷忽热中度过。

可能时间真的不对，跟你在一起我开心过，遗憾的是又失去了。是我没有认真对待。如果现在有机会再重来，我一定会认真对待，也希望你可以再从新相信我认真对待我。可能还是不会有结果，但至少真的认真过也不后悔。

可能我们没有在重来的机会，我没后悔认识你。也谢谢你，因为你，我现在明白了也看开了，我希望我不会再辜负下一个人。如果以后有机会，我不会再拒绝也会愿意做你朋友。

15年了，你在我心中已经有个无可代替的位置。与其说是情侣，更能说是家人了吧。虽然意见不合离开了，叫过你的称呼，我还不想用来叫别人。就觉得那是你特有的称呼。就算不用来叫你了也不会用来叫别人。只想留着。

我也希望我们的故事没有结束

 离开你 我有多么不舍

明明没有结果 何必再有难过

以为能爱得洒脱 可能是我不懂

爱而不得却给心上了枷锁

丢了你 是我犯下的错

那有什么选择 可惜没有如果

想问你近况如何 是否过得快乐

假如我们不曾遇见过

我们的故事一次一次又一次地走向结局

剩下我一个人还在苦守着那份回忆

是我不够小心 还是爱得太刻意

累了痛了只能够放在心底

我们的故事一点一点又一点地被你忘记

只有我一个人还放不下曾经的记忆

是我不够懂你 还是爱得太专情

我们就爱到这里 我终于放弃了你

无条件的爱

是我没法信任你，还是我太明白带有条件的爱是什么样子？

是我没法相信无条件的爱还你真的可以给予无条件的爱？

是我没有安全感，还是你没安全感？

是我不相信你还是你不信任我呢？

是我想太多了还是你想多了？

是我不懂你还是你没让我懂你？

我好想念你。想念你说支持我的时候，想念你静静的听我说，想念你相信我的样子，想念你在我生气伤心的时候会开玩笑逗我开心。你说我自私不了解你需要的。而你又何尝明白并能接受我想要的？

你真的尊重过我的决定吗？是不是年纪越大，就越难相信单纯的爱呢？

是我太在乎要和适合的人在一起还是我没耐心在和不合的人一起？

说能尊重明白的人，真的能接受与面对吗？

能接受的人往往感受得到。而不能接受的人我也知道也明白

我可以无条件接受你的一切，但你可以无条件接受我的一切吗？

我可以不要求你改变，但你可以不要求我改变吗？

我可以不试探你的爱，但你可以吗？

我可以不要求静静在你身边听你说，但你可以静静就这样听我说陪着我吗？

不做判决不给意见，只求你在，你听，你挺就行了。

开放大度的听着意见。不表示要接受。只表示听到了，会考虑。

为什么我越跟其他人在一起，我就越了解你的行为。为什么我跟其他人在一起，我就越明白你的意思。越让我放不下，但也越让我明白你没这么喜欢我也没我这么爱你。或者说你想要爱但又害怕被爱又害怕没结果。就像我没这么喜欢他，所以我可以很客观的看待事情也能明白你所做的。

我昨天和今天心情又不好了。你知道吗？你能感受到吗？

你说我很自私没有考虑你的感受但你不也很自私吗？

但我就是考虑了你我才能明确的以及现实的给你后路。我不希望有一天你会后悔。

是我太现实还是你想的太简单？

是我看是比较远见还你不想面对？

是因为我太现实让你觉得我不爱你？

我爱你也很想你，但是我不会再找你。因为理智的我没法做到。如果你找我，我也不知道我会不会失去理智的接受。明白吗？

Missing you

I'm officially dating someone yesterday. I like him but I don't love him. At least not now and not like T. He has a good personality. We have common interest. He is knowledgeable and importantly he is ambitious. He take pride in things he do. He is optimistic and he trust me and give me the security I needed. He say he wants to treat me well because I'm a good girl. I want to be there for him as well because he is a nice guy. Let's see how long we can last.

But he has very bad habit of comparing what I did with my exes and him. He seems quite possessive and he like to claim credit for what he has done constantly. He likes to say things opp to his heart. But he is the first guy who trust me and show me all his weaknesses. Im surprised and because of that I will not disappoint him. I was initially disappointed with him because he ask me to help him release on tues. Though he said he will not push, he is only teasing and joking but the words hurt me that night. I felt disrespected. I cried and wanted to leave. He was so anxious because he made a mistake that could destroy his entire chance to be with me. He tried to apologize and appease me but I couldn't believe him anymore. He suddenly make a funny face at me and I calm down. I laughed. He did it because I said the best way to cheer me up when upset or angry is to make jokes etc to make me happy. Distract me. And the thing he thought of at that time was to make a funny face. He remembered. Though he is bad at comforting but I see his efforts and thoughtfulness. In his attempt to prove he is trustworthy, he showed me his bank account. He told me his weaknesses which I appreciated.

Though I'm not sure if his words are lies a not just to get me. But I choose to believe him because he trust me with his weaknesses. Also I want to protect him and I empathize with his situation. The pressure since young to mature forcefully and take up responsibility. The only chance at enjoying your childhood. We are similar in a way. Both of us are derived of our childhood. Both of us have resentment against our father. It prove something at least if a guy is taking the risk to show you everything. He not just understand but he can really accept me like when I say I won't share my finances with my partner. Though he feel is not right but he will understand why. Instead of complaining why I don't, he try to prove that I could believe him.

I didn't accept him on telegram, I told him it needs to be official. Yesterday, he plan a nice dinner picking a steakhouse because I like to eat steak. Arrange a bouquet of pink roses because I like pink. And also wrote a card. He say he is shy to ask face to face. But he still overcome it and ask the question. I accepted him officially yesterday and it is the start of our relationship. 

I know and feel he wanted a kid still. He say he can understand and accept. But can see deep down he still wanted a child. He say he will prove to me he is trustworthy and he will treat me very well and hopefully, I will change my mind. I didn't want to make any comments. I know myself. If I make a decision is very unlikely to change. All the risk I have to go through again. He listens and I know he will try his best to resolve all my concerns. Maybe time really will change my mind in the future. But not now. I don't want to make the same mistake. 

爱情

什么是爱情呢？

我有两种方式

一种是无条件的。比较无私的。不知道为什么可就是喜欢。很火热的。你想要的就是他也是无条件的真心爱你，心疼你，宠着你，给你安全感就可以了。不在乎合不合，不在乎有没有结果。但通常都很短暂没有结果。也不知道是不是为了一时的新鲜感。也不知道如果在一起久了会不会厌倦。但我知道这份爱很深，容易受伤。如果放开了，很难放下还会单方面想着很久。这一种一旦分开通常短暂内没法做朋友。

另一种是有条件的。比较自私的。会看他的优点，做的东西我喜不喜欢。会看他的缺点是否能接受。会看他是否适合。在我要的物质生活里有没有帮助。而我的付出在于他能给的有多少。分开后也是因为他不再给我我需要的。或觉得付出太多亏了。就好像一个投资。是比较长期的。也是那种一旦放弃就不会回头。就属于感情慢慢培养的种类吧。放弃后还是朋友。

第二种也算是爱情吗？

想念

今天我又睡不着，最近我又特别的想念他。到底要多久才可以把他忘了。每个人身上都仿佛有着他的影子。让我一次又一次的想起他。想移情别恋但又没办法。到底为什么？几时这扇窗才能打开？几时我才能放得下这段感情。明明知道他没有爱但心里却一直反对，一直反复的想着我们经历的点点滴滴找借口证明他是有爱的。

我真的很累，也真的不想再想你。让我放下他吧。我想找到真正的幸福，我想找到真正的快乐。我想解脱。我想对他死心。

我也好想念曾经天真的时候，曾经不这么现实的时候。有些东西长大了，就消失找不回来了。经历的又不能抹去。有阴影的又刻在骨子里没法忘。我到底该如何变强大？到底该往哪个方向走才对呢？给我你点暗示，一点指示好吗？

偏偏在低落的时候遇见，偏偏你又对我这么温柔，偏偏你又能让我死了的心从新起动，偏偏你就能引出我的情感，偏偏你又整天让我怀疑。为什么是你？又是我上辈子欠的吗？我们到底有什么缘分？是短暂的停留？还是以后的托付？短暂的停留就不要让我放不下啊。我学会了你要表达的了吗？学会了就让我忘他了吧

Understand

I finally understand what he means, the things he do, why intimacy is important to him and the things he says about love not needing explanation, what he really needs, why he keep asking, insecurities etc. But end of the day, some things can't be erase and restart. Some things can't match and can't forced.

门当户对

Being with a person with same family background is important. Because family background is what shaped your values and principles in life.

Which is also what they say 三观合不合. If both of your have different perspective there is only 2 outcomes. One is compromising another is understanding and acceptance. Of course understanding and being able to accept is a better outcome. But how many people can really understand and accept your differences when they grow up differently? Compromising is the easier way out but is also the hardest to maintain long term.

How long can you compromise on the same difference repeatedly? When a person compromise, the person compromising will have the sacrificing mentality. This creates an imbalance. When imbalance happens, the person will find a stronger aspect of the partner to compensate for this imbalance to maintain balance. If the partner does not have any stronger aspect then it will trigger 2 concerns. Self worth and goals. 

If your goals are different from what you have,

Either you feel your partner is not worthy for you and you take a different path, divorce and leave to pursue your different goals. But there are still need consequences and responsibility that comes especially when you have a kid together.

Or you lower your expectations and stick on to initial path. Diminishing your self worth, giving up on your goals with the mindset of it doesn't matter which partner I stay with. Because you just need someone to accompany the life path of marriage, having kids, work till retirement etc.

The thing about lower your expectations and diminishing your self worth is you lose yourself in the process. You follow a path whereby everyone takes and it makes you close minded whereby you couldn't see the wonders that life can provide and it can be quite demoralizing, no motivation, no direction. Not to mention negativity, stressed and depressing.

One thing I learn from past marriage is a person really has to consider the practical points of long term marriage. Are your goals aligned? Eg being together till old, raising responsible kids, where to retire etc. What are your partner's weakness or what do you hate about your partner, amplify that and ask yourself if you can accept or you are compromising? 

If you cannot accept then I suggest to let go because love cannot overcome everything. People may say communication is important but I will say differently. You can communicate your hardships all you want but the partner will not understand you. Prolonged misunderstanding will result in impatience, unreasonable attitudes and behaviors. More quarrels. And end of the day you will still come to a crossroad to make a decision to stick on with your choice or change path and this can happen repeatedly throughout every single time when you quarrel about the same difference until you really accept your decision/fate or become emotionally drained. 

For now is only one difference. But there could be more. Unless one can understand/empathize and totally accept the difference in background, experiences and the decisions made based on those. 

Empathizing is difficult if you nv been in the same situation and personality differences also plays very important role in empathizing. There must be similarities in personality and interest. Optimistic vs pessimistic. The level of self esteem etc. Adaptability to accept chances.

Past experience

Been reading back on my blog post. I realize things that I have been blind to see or just refuse to see. There are really lots of signs that says we are not suitable and really lots of quarrels. I realize I have been giving in a lot more in the relationship that we have. I am really proud and surprised by how I managed to hold on till today. Despite really wanted to give up but I didn't. The issues are actually entirely the same. And I failed to realize or turn a blind eye to persever. I really have no one to blame except myself. Maybe is really a payback which I have already done. 

And I know the next partner I wanted will definitely not be someone who is not sincere or half sincere. I have to be more practical to let my mind decide than my heart or maybe both. Expectations to be higher now as I know my worth. There is honestly no reason for me to be with someone who doesn't appreciate me. Dor say I was too emotionally dependent on others. Though I don't feel so but anyway. If I don't meet the right guy then I rather be single. But I'm keeping someone in heart and this way, I can filter off people who are not sincere. 

As he said. If it is meant to be, it will come and let's just let nature take course. 

Late night

Can't sleep tonight. Really shouldn't have tea in the afternoon. Keep thinking about someone that I wanted or should have forget. Manage to throw him off my mind for a while and now is coming back all over again.

I really don't know what to think about the things we went through. There is sincerity at times and insincerity at other times and it makes me really annoyed trying to analyze and understand. People and things today somehow trigger and make me miss him all over again today. I know what's past is past and things will never be the same. But I couldn't help hoping.

I hope I can see him with someone else. Then it may break my heart entirely so I can really move on. And I really wanted to move on. There are guys who did ask the question. But I don't want to start with any other guys either. I don't know if it is because of my principles because I haven let him go so I shouldn't be with someone else or because he is still in my heart and I just refuse to let go or I just didn't meet anyone I want to try with. I know I'm setting a super high expectations and sort of pushing people away at the moment. Maybe until someone who can really persever. I know it is easy for me to get someone to take over. A distraction. But at the same time I know how it will end and definitely will end up hurting someone else or myself.

I know it takes time to let go and heal. I'm seriously impatient at the moment that my mind wanted to let go forcefully but my heart doesn't want to let go. Patience is really a virtue which I don't have and I'm annoyed. But there is nothing I can. I just hope it will not take me years to overcome from this. 

There is good news to share though. Which is I passed my driving test last Friday. I really thought I'm going to fail. But I passed. I still feel the tester give me chance that why I passed. Anyway is one goal is down and suddenly I feel lost again about what I should do. I'm thinking of piano lessons but I didn't want to pack myself fully weekly till I have no time to breathe. But on the other hand, I feel like packing myself daily so I think less of him. Because I have been sick for an month, I really feel tired for that past month that I pull through. But there again there are too many things for me to commit. My daughter which I can't give up visiting because of my guilt. My dance because I really enjoy it. It makes me feel like I'm myself. Friends that I know from dating app which I still want to maintain because I really wanted to move on. Having a staycation this weekend and hopefully this staycation can seriously help me relax. I really missed the days where I don't think about anything and sleep through the entire night. Recently my sleep are disrupted again. I wake up like 2 or 3am and couldn't sleep back until few hours later. I tried to avoid looking at my phone but somehow it didn't helped.

Work has been giving me problems too. Because I know I wanted to resign within a certain period, I dont have the heart to put in effort. I'm disappointed because my boss didn't provide what she offered initially. Though the workload is low but her expectations to me are unreasonable and I see myself fighting back on her expectations frequently. Hopefully this doesn't jeopardize my initial plan. 

Now I'm feeling slightly sleepy. Hope I can sleep all the way and still function tomorrow. 

Finally

Finally managed to login to this blog. After so long. Lost my password and forgotten the email. Luckily manage to remember.

Updating my life now

Left glico last year June and now in a Pte ltd company but is supposedly non profit. Plutoinnov. Weird company but salary not bad. However I'm not happy here. So my plan is to resign, travel to Greece for a while. Come back and find job again. Benefits is not as competitive as the director originally said. Very petty company which I don't like. Plus they treat me like admin or secretary to do personal things. Very against my gong si fen ming de nature. The company structure is also very messy. Lots of small weird companies under same owner

I have a daughter now. 3 years old. Born in Dec same as me. Cute active independent and persistent just like me. She knows very well what she wants just like how I am. When she is 8 month old, she try to learn standing on her own. She practices every single day. We didn't rush her or anything but she just wanted to do it. She will keep trying to stand in the cot. Even when her legs fall, she refuse to let go of the cot. I was worried that she will hurt her hands but she nv give her. Seeing her like this is really seeing myself. Past me. Stubborn, persistent with the nv give up attitude. Proud to have a daughter like her. Her name is xin cheng. Name her this because I love stars and starry night. And she will be my star the moment she is born. When she is in my stomach she is also super active. Once there is not much movement and we got a scare rush to the hospital. Fake alarm. She is healthy and fine. But doctor say risk is high because my water is slowly dripping out and her head is not facing down. Ask us to pick a day c sec.

Pregnancy with her isn't very smooth. Got to restrict myself on food a lot that I wanted to eat due to gestational diabetes. Everyday I worry about giving birth to a child that have diabetes during birth. Like my nephew. Luckily she is healthy and well. I thank God for this. But also because of this pregnancy I'm traumatized. I don't think I will ever want another child. The after effect of this pregnancy seems irreversible at least at this moment. Sleepless night, overthinking, depress mood, constipation, lost of craving, irregular menses etc. I'm still trying to get back my nights. It become very common for me not to be able to sleep or waking up frequently during the night. Like a habit or maybe cause of my overthinking. It's like 2am now and I'm not asleep. In the past I won't be able to function next day. But now. I still function because forced to do it last time during feeding. Is bad for health really and I'm trying to get back. 

Breastfeeding was my biggest nightmare. The pain, sleepless night, stress and pressure from a mother instinct is killing me. After having a child, it really hit me how a guy's support is super important at this moment. Sadly I didn't get enough support from my husband. The only thing he knows how to say is don't think so much with his mouth but nth is done. The unfair, depression that hit was bearable luckily. I think every woman face this depression before. Heard it from my friends who has kids also. The emotion and hormones changes causes it. Now I can understand why my aunt went into depression after birth of her 3rd child. If you aren't strong enough to overcome that emotion and you don't have support that you need, it really can cause you to go into depression.

Went to turkey last year. Met a guy quite handsome, nice body as well but younger than me. He like me and was really nice during the trip. Said he wanted to bring me see sunset the next day. Sadly we are leaving the boat the next day morning. Though I'm still in contact with him but I only treat him as a friend. Text and video call sometimes. He wanted me to visit him again. Talk about working in turkey etc or he come work in sg. if he work here the money bring back will be good for his retirement. Maybe when I go Greece if got time maybe will drop by to visit him. Well. See how it goes 

Sadly my marriage isn't well and we are divorcing. I raise the divorce. I just thought it through. Too much disappointment and too little sweetness. Too little communication as well. Raise the divorce before I went turkey. Thought of going for a few counselling to see if it helped to change my mind. apparently not. As I know myself too well. Once I decided to give up, it is done deal. During the trip, I also thought about it. I already relax myself and found myself enjoying my alone time. This in turn make me crave to divorce even more. I feel that I really lost myself too much in this marriage and parenthood. Though I will still be there forever for my daughter because she is my responsibility. I told him maybe I'm just not suitable for marriage. 

After raising the divorce, I was using a dating app which dor recommended. She say to start early cause it can take a year to meet someone. Using it I met this guy. Older than me by 7 years old. I don't know why I like him. Dor say is because he give me the attention that I crave for too much. Maybe I just wanted the same attention how he used to give me. This guy also said something that he used to say to me. Now think of it, the things that talk are quite similar. Same insecurity, same way of asking me to trust him more, telling me he didn't want to spoil me too much. Maybe the guy just reminded me too much of how sweet he used to be to me. I miss him. I really do. Fallen deep in and miss him too much. Dor will say I stupid. Someone say I 恋爱脑. 😂 Maybe I just miss the days when I can love as I like and hate as I like. But this guy is different, he doesn't provide the same security that he used to provide to keep me calm and secured. he has the vibes of a flirt guy that my ex used to give. He is like a version of my exes all end together. 😂 End up we didn't stay together because he is always missing and his reasons are too hard for me to believe. Not as naive as he thought I'll be. One thing I may be attracted that dor enlighten is probably the financial stability that he maybe able to provide. He don't have to work and owns 3 pubs. Another reason which I think I'm attracted is the way he can be open with his emotions which unlike someone who likes to keep it to himself. It makes me tired because I nv know what he is thinking is I can't see through. He flips his interest like a prata. The inconsistent make me annoyed. If a person doesn't know what he wants himself, how is anyone else supposed to know?

Anyway I feel I spoil him too much and watching him deteriorate makes me heartache. He can actually do or grow but with me it just makes him demoralize. We are really not suited for each other. I know very long ago we are not suitable. There are too much bad signs all along our relationship but I choose to ignore and take this path. I have no one else to blame. The day I broke up with him due to his father's incident was the day I shouldn't had agree to patch. That day I know he isn't sincere but I just didn't want to give up the relationship since we were together for a while. 舍不得 and because of this choice, I got to pay for it. Anyway I have woken up being deceiving myself. Is time to change a path.

I have started to let go of the relationship and recovering myself. Been in a depressed mood for too long plus the older guy make it longer. But recently I feel better. Or starting to feel better. Realigning my goals. I happy I met the older guy though not suitable to be together. Because of him, I met a lady who woke me up from confusion and bring me out of lost. She make me clear why I wanted my divorce and connects me back to my original me. Make me realize who I have neglected. And I hope she finds her way too and same for the older guy and his friend.

Now I just look forward to relaxing and relieving trip mid this year. Recently after raising the divorce I have been packing my schedule full. Too full without a chance to breath. After I come back from jb I'm going to try to loosen that up. Given myself a breather. Also previously I have been closing my Pandora box for a while. Though it isn't too negative but it has open slowly and slowly. The sadness slowly flows away entirely. I no longer feel depressed, pity or angry. And I don't suppress these feelings anymore. Let it flows and melt away. Also with the divorce I was very guilty because I decide to give up care and control of my daughter. A lot of ppl advice me not to give her up but I know. Even if I give care and control up I will still be there for her. And I believe she will learn to understand and she is strong enough to overcome this because she has my genes. I also know he will take good care of her. I know I can take food care of her as well but at the expense of my freedom. If I wanted both, this is the best way to balance. And she needs him to be around and im willing to give in. 

There are some guys that I meet also recently. Also friends and nth more. I know what I want and they are also not suitable. Anyway is not a must to be in a relationship. And I'm not in a rush. The right one will come along and walk jointly with me. Until then I can walk my own path. 

Oh and Im keeping diary. Finally have a physical book diary I can keep. Previously I keep here. Now I can keep physical too for emotional things. 😂

Alone time

Now in the mulia hotel enjoying my alone time listening to music. 5 stars hotel with bathtub. The last time i was here i soak everyday and end up with uti. This time need to stop myself from tubbing too long and too frequent. Hai. Looking at the big bathtub so nice so seductive but cannot soak too long. Will be here for 1 week. So while here just try to enjoy the time. No need wash clothes got free laundry. Don need wake up too early for work. Every morning got breakfast to eat.

The only bad thing abt this hotel is the internet super slow. Cannot watch show. Recently watching china show and this actor call chen ruoxuan 辰若轩 so handsome. When he smile so cute. But see him will make me think of someone else. His look is so similar to my secondary school mate. The smile can melt your heart. I wonder how his mother can stand him. Everytime make mistake give sad face everything also can forgive liao. Hahaha. How can someone be so cute. I dont mind having such a cute brother sia.

Last friday got gambro gathering. Anna came to singapore for visit. Meet up with us chit chat and talk abt her australia life. I still considering going australia for my solo trip but still not decided where i should go. Maybe still somewhere with beach still most suitable for me. Had a catch up with them. Everybody is gd and still happy. Had one or 2 cup of alcohol that night too.

I want to retire in a place with a house near the beach. Got beach chair just sit there watch the sea everyday. At night with the sea breeze blowing at you while you view the stars above. This kind of retirement plan seems to be a dream if you are from singapore.

My cousins one by one are getting married and having kids. While for me I still having contradiction whether to have kids a not. Sometimes i feel have kids also gd something to distract u from a boring usual life. Also dear say must have kids then consider a whole family. But the freedom that u need to sacrifice is another thing i not willing to do. Another thing is your finances. Kids need a lot of money which also means you cant enjoy all that you earn.

Next year really need to plan a trip to somewhere. Should i go china go the beach that the cute guy show on the video? Looks like a quiet place. Or go Fiji again since still got so much fijian dollar left? Or go a cheaper option of belitung?

Finally got my key for the house a step closer to my freedom. Can do whatever i like and want to do. Freedom like my butterfly tattoo. Freedom to fly anywhere and away from annoying things i see in my life. Like his stubborn dad. Currently i not staying at his house i will so much better. No dirty shower or clothes or floor. Although my house not very quiet also but at least only got one person nagging but the entire house shouting and talking super loudly.

Today seems to feel my mood lifted. Doesnt seems to be as depressed as ytd. Hopefully this refresh feeling will continue. 😎😉

Next month going jb with dor and joce to celebrate our birthday. Currently don't have much excitement abt my birthday yet. But I am hoping for a super romantic encounter to electrify my restless heart.

Depressed

Recently i have been feeling depressed often. Crying without a reason. Always feel like going somewhere alone or drinking some alcohol. Today i am away alone on a business trip and have been feeling upset for no reason. Tears just drop down when i am on the plane and also when i am alone in the room. It feels like I am missing out on something that I do not know.

Valentine day and birthday

This year keep quarrel with dear dear and push dear dear to plan. At last dear got plan for birthday. He plan to go bbq. Book the pit and buy food. He plan to bbq steak for me. So we celebrated my  birthday at changi beach. Although he forgot to bring my fav hot dog we still have a gd time.. Valentine is again bbq but bbq with different food.. He say to bbq my fav cod fish.. So we went shopping the day before and bought cod fish and scallop though is paid by me as he got no money but is the effort that make me happy. When he wake up the next day. He prepare the marination of the cod fish and scallop and come out with different marination.  Though the food not very nice but still happy to see him putting the effort for the day.

Life

Quarreling is never inevitable in life.. Communicating your point across to a stubborn, self centered, coward person is what to me toughest thing to do when in a heated agrument.

Some people just cannot admit when they are at fault.

1st of all u forgot about our plans for today 

2nd u make a promise and u broke it without an apology. Despite that, still act like not in the wrong. Quote "what is wrong with me going eat with my sister?" Response: nth is wrong when u eat with ur sister. But not when u arrange to eat with me first. U will get angry and saying how can ur friend do that when u and ur friend had a arrangement to meet up and he went to meet another friend instead. So what the difference now when u do it to even worse ur WIFE. And stop bringing up ur sisters as a shield and trying to find excuse for your mistake of not able to keep the promise. Next time i will do the same and let u hav a taste of ur own medicine.

3rd not being considerate for your partner. Despite knowing that he is unable to reach in time and does not have car still keeping it secret and not wanting to make the effort to inform the partner and not sorry for Making the partner waited for at least 2 hours for her lunch to miracally appear. Quote "i am sorry for not tabaoing for u but the stall have sold the food. I cannot predict that what." & "i didnt ask u to wait for me for lunch what". Response yea, i am stupid to be waiting to have my lunch delivered when someone said he will tabao for me. And stupid enough to expect that he will at least have the heart to let his partner know when he cannot make it or at least rush things and not let his partner starve. Should have just ate on my own and couldnt care less about him. Well at least i know my mistake. Will never wait for him for lunch even when he say he will eat lunch with me.

4th didnt have the consideration to inform his partner that his sister is borrowing the car. Only inform when reach that if we going to eat chicken rice at amk we got to take bus there after the wife has been starve for 2 hours. blame it on the partner for having a expectation that he will be driving when he has a car and drive most of the time. Doesnt stop there, still have the cheek to say since when do i need to report to you when my sister borrow the car? Wow. So since u are so selfish abt sharing such info. then u know what? pay back for the car installment and downpayment that u took from the account. Do not think about using any more money from that shared account cause is not used for ur personal assets. Just a reminder that I can do without ur stupid car. Also sell off the motorcycle and return half of my money. And not going give u any money when u are lazy to find a work. Get ur ass off ur hse and go find a job and earn money for urself. Why? Cause we are not partners if u don treat me like one. And why should i giving u when u don even bother..

5th blaming on saying he need his personal space to settle his family matters. Note to self. **Guess u not part of the family. So dont be an idiot and see when u stand in "his family."

Conclusion  is just a simple thing.

Apologize for all the mistakes when I get angry and when u are in the wrong. But no.. Apologizing will take a piece of meat from him so he cannot just apologize and settle things. he has to quote a lot of nasty things and argue his way out every single time.

Oh no. Not this time. Cant argue ur way out this time. Giving in to u plenty of time and definitely again not this time.

new update

Join Baxalta effective feb but cannot be use to the culture here. Well they keep saying is culture difference but too me is colleagues. People here are not as friendly and too competitive. Even within dept is like fighting internal war.. People like to flip pratas in this company and is hard to work with uncooperative people.. Standard here for finance are so much higher and other dept seems to bully accounting team. Furthermore, leader fail to support the internal team and feel that she just add more oil or push blame to cover herself.. in accounting team, especially my scope, I feel that once u do one mistake other dept will be waiting eagerly to shoot arrows at u.. After long consideration, At last I have resigned and is nowing serving notice. Last day early nov.. Found myself another job 2 weeks into my notice and going to work at glico.. new job new environment and new colleagues provide a new start. Fueling up and motivated to join them. Higher pay and have sufficient break time. excellent for me =)

Early march went to perth with dear and mum. nature trip with sightseeing and see a lot of animals.
Best trip is to go for seal watching trip with Turquoise safaris. The owner Kane is an excellent guide. When pulling of the boat equipment from the sea, we realize there is an octopus hiding in it. Managed to hold it and play with it for a while before releasing it into the sea. After which,We get to swim with 2 cute baby seals and also plenty of live fresh rock lobsters to eat. Kane brought us to pull lobster pot after the seal watching. He gave us all the live rock lobsters caught. They are all red in color. We took back to hotel and just froze them. After that boiled them. Fantastic and delicious..
We also get to see kangaroos, walk super duper long to find the koala enclosure as we are so dumb. haha.. Is super fun to drive around in the caravan. Get to shop for gocery every now and then to cook and eat and travel all at the same time. So shiok.. Perfect.. Also we went for shopping ate a super nice trolls favor ice cream at frementle.. ate super nice fish and chips, doughnut and ramen at the market.. Plus get to see Quokkas at the Rottnest island.. There are some down side.. which we didn't get to ride on the bus that cost us AUD 20 but we got free bicycle to travel rottnest island. Beach at perth is such an amazing view.. u get to drive beside the sea.. so breathtaking. Also paid a bloody expensive visa to go perth at USD 90 if I am not wrong recommended by the hotel staff. while my husband only paid $25.. shouldn't listen to the flight staff.. Then I bought a cheese and fremantle but left it at the hotel.. sian.. Overall, trip is good and would like to go again..

Counting down to 10 more days and I will be at Mui Ne enjoying the sun and the beautiful sea. since march till now didn't go overseas at all.. other than Malaysia.. and Malaysia not counted..This trip is for next year march anniversary. Pushing it forward in case we do not have money next year. As next year we are going for honeymoon plus our house is coming.. anyway still Deciding if I should book the hot air balloons to surprise my dear.. he probably will like it.. but it is expensive.. Check the price of hot air balloon else where and it seems this in mui ne is considered reasonable and cheaper.. the company is new though but equipment, pilot is known to be from Europe.. Guess most likely I will proceed to book.. Well for another fishing trip not sure if I wan to proceed.. Both tour are in early morning.. so we shall see..

Dear isn't working for about 1 and half month.. was a bit worried as we not enough money to renovate house and go for honeymoon next year.. and also worried that he get use to laze at home without a job like his father and depend on me.. hopefully we can get our expenses up and does not need to use my personal money too much.

lastly my grandma is going for cataract surgery tomorrow.. pray and hope that everything goes well and she recover as fast as possible.. sounds scary to have someone cutting your eye.. although my ah ma say she not scare but I tink she is when she know is not local anesthesia and she will be awake during the surgery.. I myself is afraid for her.. went to search what patient can see during the surgery and it seems like she wont be able to see the doctor equipment but only some lights here and there.. So felt more comfortable.. hope she don feel the fear stay strong through out the surgery..

lifestyle

I am doing a post and update as Im very bored at work currently.. And do not have the mood to do work.. today is Friday and my mind is having holiday already.. Cant wait to reach 5.30pm to dismiss from work.. Updates of my life below.

1. Baxter is having some shared services program soon and would probably have retrenchment for functional dept next end.. Baxalta is recruiting finance team as their shared services is decided to be in Singapore.. My Colleagues and I have applied for the position.. and 2 of us got shortlisted to join which is me and Jessie.. at first I am still contemplating on whether to join or just remain in the company.. My mum, friend, dear and Jessie were encouraging me to go over.. Therefore I decided to join.. Jessie mentioned.. Don worry.. I will be there too.. I am not pushing you to die.. we are just jumping from one fire pit to another.. haha.. this sentence kind of worry me though.. But well, I still decided to join.. And then when I moved over in Feb, Jessie will be my manager in Baxalta..

2. After 8 years of dating, Sam propose to me during our anniversary trip in Cebu Philippines.. Cebu is a very very nice place to snorkel and dive.. I hope to be there again.. So how did the proposal went.. We were staying at dauin.. the place I went for snorkeling while Sam went for his advanced diving course.. At night Sam suggest to go for a walk at the beach.. So we were strolling along the beach holding hands side by side.. He kicked the water to show me something that his instructor showed him during the course.. While he kicked, something glow in the water which only happens at night.. Heard of that before somewhere in some country has that and it is beautiful.. But the pictures I saw on the net has it on the beach sand to.. But it does not seem so.. So I ask them if he is sure something is glowing or it is just bubbles reflection cause it clearly looked like bubbles forming when he is kicking or waving the water.. His reaction was the same as mine and we wondered if his instruction is lying about it.. Well, anyway, after being curious of the water, I told him that I feel tired and would like to head back.. one thing about me.. I am afraid of the dark.. That area does not have any lights so it is quite dark and remind me of these news about some insect or worm which hides in the sand and will go into your body through your feet.. So that sort of creep me out.. He said He does not want to go back yet and would like to stroll further.. So we walk a bit further till it getting darker down the lane and I am getting more anxious about the insect thing.. So he questioned on my request to head back and ask what is wrong.. So I told him the story about the insect which hides in the sand and will go into your body through your feet.. He told me not too worry and he is walking in front of me.. So even if there is such insect he will be there to block it for me first.. Then he proceed to say that he will always be there to block the rain or sun or whatever that comes in our way if I am willing to.. When he say that, I just treat it as his sweet talk and just laugh it off.. Then he said he is serious.. If I give him the chance he is willing to protect and block anything for me.. Well, so touching.. But I didn't cry.. Just then, I realize maybe he is proposing to me.. He dig his bag for the ring.. and show it to me.. So I ask him is that all? Then need kneel on one knee and ask me if I would marry him.. But I want to hear more from him.. What else.. I said I want him to pour his heart out.. He promise a couple of things which I will list now so we remember in the future.
1) Bring me on a trip every year on our anniversary.. Only 2 of us.. even if we have children we are not bringing along.
2) Never to be like his irresponsible and useless father, slack at home without work
3) Never to be like the size of Desmund or just say never to be very fat.
4) Always love and dote on me and even if we have children. I have more priority and love than our children..
5) He will protect me from everything that is to come.
These promises will be recorded here and set as a reminder..

After all these, we went back to our room.. That when I realize his knee is bleeding and he said it was nth.. I ask if he hurt his knee while kneeling at the beach.. The beach is full of seashells than sand.. He said yes but it is worth it.. Another touching part.. The most touching part would be when he was asleep, I look at his phone and come across this note that he was keeping.. it is on the words that I have said when we quarrel and he is keeping a note of his promises.. Never to speak vulgarities to me etc.. That is when I am so touched to know that it really listens when I am talking.. For all these he gets full marks from me.. Well, the last part was not known to him..

3. From that proposal, I started to work on the wedding, Book the banquet venue, source of our wedding packages etc.. Come across these Korean Wedding photoshoot which interest me.. Reason being the photos will all be send back to us.. Which as much as I know myself, I wont only take the limited pictures.. I will definitely get more than that.. So this helps to save cost and this also help me to reason out with him to go for this.. Which means we will be going to Korea.. more cost.. And I argue on that this will be considered as our anniversary trip for 2017.. He then agreed..

As I failed to check the weather before I booked, Jan - March is winter season and will not be good for me.. So we decided to postpone our Perth trip from Oct to March and plan our trip in Oct.. So now I am already back from Korea and have our wedding photos done.. it is fun and rushing but the results are not bad.. It is quite cold in korea and we did shopping during our whole trip there.. eat shop eat shop.. the food is nice.. and a lot of private time for the 2 of us too.. We went for Onsen too.. The onsen there is fantastic.. Cheap and good.. though soaking alone is boring.. That when I wish Dorothy is there with me.. haha..

Also we have hen's party coming in Jan to Bali, and a friends relax trip at Bintan during Christmas..
Cant wait for the Christmas trip to come.. Plan my bridemaids, invited my Emcees, book my banquet hotel which will be at Village Hotel Katong.. Quite satisfying with my negotiation skills for the banquet and the photoshoot package though.. felt that I got a good deal.. haha

Lastly cant wait to be married off, get our own house and stay together..


4. Family. We have 3 little ones in our family.. Aaralyn, Aaden and Alvan.. why their name all start with A? Well Kiasu parents I guess.. You know schools always have their line up with alphabet so start with A you will be the first.. Sad thing is Aaralyn and Aaden will be going US again for 2 years.. Hai.. going to miss them.. The rest of the family members no news to update.. Huai Yu and Yee Sim are married.. So maybe we will have additional members soon too.. Kun Xiang is getting married next year too.. End of the year..

5. Friends.. Dor is working at recruitment agency.. not sure which one I forgot.. and she is super busy.. Jocelyn has been planning badminton and we have been playing together for a few weeks.. for gambro, Jasmine and Charlotte is having a baby girl next year in Feb.. And we have new members during our gathering, 3 new members.. haha from Jason, Vinsonn and Priscilla..

That all for the update till next time.. =)

Valentine Day

This year's valentine day has no surprise or present or gift.. Other than telling my bf to deliver mac to me for breakfast.. Went out as per usual day.. A bit disappointed although we nv didnt celebrate much valentine the past few years anyway.. Was quite looking forward to this year's.. Since very long got no surprise liao.. Always say will own self plan his surprise.. Ask liao jiu no surprise.. I wait lol.. But see the pattern.. Nv say nv do de.. Own self plan wait until die liao I tink also don hav..

Next Looking forward to the anniversary trip.. Counting down to 2 more weeks.. Going to apo island dumaguete cebu Phillipines this year..

Anyway for update and memories.. This year birthday present is a baking mixer.. Been making cakes a few times already.. Need more practices..

Life in 2016

Today is 11 of Feb.. Chinese new year is on 8th Feb.. So far so good for 2016..

Everyone in the family is well.. Same new year visiting.. 2 of my cousins are married last year.. 2 more hong bao to receive.. Less gambling this year as the 2 cousins need to attend to their in laws side.. however, got other kind of entertainment.. Got 2 nephews and 1 niece to play with.. haha.. our little princess of the family.. always running around chasing after her daddy.. haha..

Had a new reporting manager.. Now reporting to the new baxter manager.. Kind, super generous and friendly.. lucky me.. nice colleagues and good boss.. hopefully got more salary increment or progress in my career this year though..

Coming to our 9th year anniversary, this year we are going to Philippines, Dumaguete and Cebu city for our anniversary.. probably not diving for me but advanced course for my dear Samuel Woo.. Approaching valentine day this year.. wondering if there is any surprise this year.. though probably spending the day at my er yi house.. cause it is still new year.. the new year visiting..

Questions not to ask

Being in the current age sucks.. Why? Everywhere u go ppl ask u the same thing.. Got bf a not? When get married? When hav children.. Blah blah blah.. Seriously, if we wan to get married, we will.. U will get invitation.. Unless u are not close enough.. Then I get married or not also don matter to u.. Don need to ask.. Not married of course cannot hav kids la.. Need to faster.. Faster what? Faster head la.. Marry can fast de meh? Hav kids can fast de meh.. I prefer having kids when I am mature enough to educate them.. Not anyhow hav kids just because u lik kids or just because of ur horny moments..

Another thing is asking of houses.. Say don know how many times liao.. People still ask.. When u get hbd? Location at where ar? If u cnt rmb, means u are not int.. If u are not int, then why the hell keep asking me the same questions over and over again.. Tell u 2018 liao.. Few months later ask again.. When u get ur hdb ar? Haven get yet ar? Hello.. Now is 2015 only leh.. 3 months later still 2015 u know.. Not like 3 months later, it will jump to 2018..

At this age, other than all these questions no other questions already meh? If u wan ask not cnt.. Just ask once.. Once enough liao.. If ppl say haven married yet, not yet.. Then maybe u should keep ur mouth shut instead of asking questions lik.. Why haven? When going to get married? Hello.. Is I marry or u marry? My mum also nv ask.. Marriage need planning de ok.. Not happy happy one day tell u I go rom liao.. 3 months later invite u to wedding de ok.. U ask so much for wat.. Ask liao I also don know right? The guy also haven propose what u wan me to do? Hdb get liao means within these few years lol..

Fed up with ppl asking these questions that I sometimes just cnt be bothered to reply.. Maybe I should just ask them back sarcastically how u get married last time? When u decide to get marry? The guy propose to u right? Ah then, u ask me for wat? Or when u shot gun got kids right.. U can see my stomach is flat.. Not going to xian shang che hou mai piao.. Ur pushing and pressurizing to us does not get the work done u know.. Nv heard the sentence mian qiang mei you xin fu meh.. My marriage is my marriage.. Now become lik become everybody's business lik tat.. Don tell me stuff lik u need to prepare money.. Wedding dinner cost u how much? At most $200.. Is not like I will suddenly invite u 1 month later eh can attend my wedding dinner.. Confirm will hav enough time de wat.. Wedding dinner leh.. Not 1 month baby shower leh..

Proposal

Saw one post regarding worst marriage proposal with a caution note.. Its say to check with ur partner if she /he lik a public proposal.. The answer will be no for me.. Marriage proposal has to be private.. Romantic.. Not show off to everyone that u are getting marry.. Not mentioning the awkwardness and I think it will be embarrassing to me.. Simple, sweet, surprising proposal is enough already as long as ur partner is the one who make effort to think and plan how to make it works.. Is enough already.. Well, enough for me..

Proposing on birthday or valentine day.. Why not must as well propose on ur anniversary day.. More meaningful than birthday or valentine day.. The day u go steady with ur partner.. The day ur partner said yes on ur first 'propose'.. Best propose and rom on the same day.. Wedding dinner put one year later on the same day.. Haha less dates to remember.. Don hav to be question /test yearly by ur partner which day propose, which day rom, and celebrate all diff days tat just represent 'you are married'..

Photography is a must to me on the proposal.. More important than having a photographer on ur wedding day.. Take down the surprise moment.. The big change of ur life.. 10, 20 years down the road, u can still reminisce that day.. Or show it to ur kids.. Obviously the photographer must be privately hidden, can ask a friend to help if u are on budget and do not want to hire one.. Or u just take that moment urself.. Plan it in ur proposal.. Adjust ur camera hidden at right angle.. Whichever way works..

My friends ask me what is my dream proposal.. Simple.. Just a night out flying kite.. a led proposal kite.. Element of surprise.. Kneeling a must.. Words from bottom of his heart.. Diamond ring yes.. That all..

Vietnam Trip

Travel.. Going for my vietnam trip soon with my bff dor and joce.. So tired currently looking forward for that trip to relax myself.. Haven go for this trip already thinking abt going for koh samui for anniversary and australia.. Haha.. Money is a big issue though..

Work.. Just receive news that I will be integrated into baxter finance.. Organization structure is weird and unfair though.. But see how next year ba.. Can only Look forward to my dec bonus..

Learning a lot of new tings currently.. Dance yoga zumba.. My way to be healthy.. A few time a week.. Hopefully in future I can learn piano too.. When I have a house can put piano..

Now is durian season.. Hahaha.. Eat and eat and eat.. Still feeling at eating now but scare too heaty.. So don dare to eat.. But lik haven eat enough lik tat..

My senior went malaysia bought me a packet of famous amos cookies.. Hahaha.. Nice.. Now everyday go work enjoy.. But lik too much liao.. Everyday I only eat 2-3 pieces.. Wonder when then finish..

My mum is asking me for another $50 then she help me wash clothes iron clothes etc.. Wonder whos mum is lik my mum paid to do all those housework for daughter.. Still say she not maid.. Tat day my mum was looking at my cards in my wallet keep asking is it debit card? Then I frustrated.. Ya ya debit card why? She say my aunt ask y I nv sub a card for my mum.. Say what based on my salary can sub a card for my mum.. Say all these bullshit to my mum for wat? Why she so kpo de.. Go ask her kids sub card for her la when they work.. Discipline her own kids.. Don Come disturb other ppl family..

I cant slp

I cant slp today.. Cause im disappointed today.. Been tinking abt stuff tat I wish I can don tink abt.. But its too disturbing for me.. I don even know if I can still belive my bf.. Cause every single time he makes a promise he meant it to be broken.. Every single time and repeatedly.. Even for the smallest promise.. And if promise are meant to be broken.. Then why or how would I trust to be under ur care.. Ur promise are never fulfiled.. U can promise to take care of me.. Promise never to betray me.. Promise every single ting u wan.. But can I trust u if ur promises are only meant to be broken and u will have million of excuses for breaking them.. The promise and the try? Where are they? I don see it.. Oh I do.. First few days and after tat? Gone.. Hack care.. Bo chap.. If so.. Sorry.. I cnt take a bo chap irresponsible person to be my bf anymore.. My patience has a limit and I tink I have been saying that for a year already.. Maybe is time to take action since I am seeing more and more true colors coming out from u.. And those ting tat I cnt stand and have been constantly saying.. But its just seems lik.. The more I say the more frequent the pattern is out.. If nth else change on ur promises and ur try.. Then maybe it is time because by then i will probably have already lose trust and faith..

Mentally tired and unmotivated

Mentally tired and unmotivated abt everything.. What will happen if my patience has used up and I decided to give up despite putting so much time? Then I will be wasting my time.. Time vs Result.. I hate waiting and hate being stagnant.. Will the result I get be able to compensate the time I wait?

Money, time and result.. How I wish I can know what is the relationship between them and choose the most worth option..

The moment when u feel lifeless and angry and lastly sad when all ur goals are not hit.. Its time to rethink ur options carefully.. There is not much time to lose.. Decide, take action and say ur goodbye to whatever u decide to give up and nv look back after tat..

Next year mar.. Hopefully I can tolerate till then.. Or maybe this year nov or dec I will decide to give up already.. If I manage to tolerate, next year mar will be the time I will choose to give up or continue.. Though it is obvious I will give up if no actions was given by then.. And variable unchanged.. Now to next year think it through carefully.. There is still a lot of other options u can choose..

penang

this year anniversary trip is at Penang.. Relax, eat, slp and shop.. Dear got me a bouquet of nice flowers with a meh meh.. Is cheaper there.. If everyday also lik tat relax jiu hao.. Food is nice but what I learn is never order crab in MY.. Definitely not Nice.. The beef kuay teow and curry mee with zhu xue gao damn delicious.. If sg have jiu hao.. Haha.. Well if everyday lik tat after a while will bored also.. 

Job update.. Irony.. I resign and then the hr emcourage me to stay.. Not long after I withdraw resignation, I receive news that hr resign.. Lol.. Well.. Didnt quit my job in the end.. This month having bonus.. No diff from last year though.. Counting down to this fri to get the money.. Wahaha.. Time for shopping?

House.. Getting my house only 3-5 years later.. Thats long.. Will be in marsiling.. slightly regret Mainly Cause my cousin all moving north east then I move to north west.. Lik Wth.. 

Family update.. My baby niece is back from US.. Cute adorable petite and boyish.. Haha.. comparing to my another baby newphew size.. same age size divide by around 1.5?

Right in pink my baby NIECE.. Always mistaken as boy boy.. My cousin say wear pink plus pink stroller, ppl still say waa ur ah boy very cute.. Haha.. Eyes ta stamp.. Left in white the baby nephew same age.. Boy in blue, the grow up nephew.. Bro of the girl.. Will disturb And elbow the sleeping sis and act 'mummy, mei mei wake up liao' in order to play with her.. Haha I tink kids are like tat.. I do that too when I was young.. Haha..  today was showing my colleague my niece and nephew photo.. She ask me u lik kids hor.. Faster go have one.. I say lik.. Kids are fun to play.. But need to teach not easy.. they are not lik toys.. Fun to play but once born cnt play liao throw or donate.. I see some parents who only can make love make babies. But don know how to teach.. Their kids turn out disaster.. And still some make a lot despite unable to teach.. Sometimes I wonder some Parents that I see personality so lousy.. how to teach their kids.. So if I want to have kids.. Make sure im mature enough to teach and nurture them.. Personality is very important.. 

envy

Some thing just cannot see.. See liao only make u envious.. hai.. What's past already past.. Cant bring back time.. Message to myself.. Learn to appreciate what u have.. Don keep envy other people.. One dream down, focus to make the rest happen.. =)

time to change job

Im so bored.. Tink it is time to change job.. Nth in this job interest me now.. Plus the benefits sucks.. So boring.. Time to change a higher pay job.. Looking for job now.. Praying and hoping I will find a good pay high job.. Mum just resign from her job too.. 2 months notice period if I wan to change job.. Super idiot kind of policy.. Hai.. Well don hav a choice.. Saying goodbye to this company soon.. Hopefully within 3 months.. Though I may miss my seniors and my colleagues.. But.. We can still be friends.. Can still go out.. Haha.. Hopefully after I left can still stay in touch.. Pity my senior.. After I left she will be damn busy.. Taking over my stuff also.. On one hand I hope got someone taking over me will be better or same as me.. Can help everyone and my senior.. On the other hand it will means that I am just the same as others.. No diff in capability.. Hai so contradicting.. One hand wan to prove my capability.. On the other hand wan someone that can help my senior and my cs colleague.. Contradicting.. Still wish me good luck in finding my next job.. Excited plus anxious.. Bit of worried too..

fed up with her

Today I wake up and see someting.. Make me super fed up.. Does older ppl mean they are more stupid and brainless.. She put my pot of soil with in a bag of other stuff.. Yes.. Maybe she wan to save space or just wan to pack my stuff.. But use some brain la.. Now all my stuff are stain with soil.. Lucky is just jacket shield.. If it is clothes I seriously going to scream at her.. I already wanted to scream at her and ask if she got brain a not.. Who puts soil with clothes..

My Birthday

Its my birthday again.. Am 23 years old.. Waiting for my bf currently to come oved and cook steak for me.. Haha.. My handmake birthday treat from dear dear.. Just sit there and be serve.. This year I lost my dear first year buy for me de necklace.. So sad worst part don know where I drop it.. Hai.. So memorable de ting also lost.. This year dear bought me another necklace to replace the new one.. Is diamond star necklace.. Sort of match my present for last year.. I choose it myself so its confirm very.nice.. Haha.. Dear say this will be my birthday and valentine day present hehe.. This month I bought watch, belt, wallet as dear dear de birthday plus christmas present.. Dear give me de present is manicure nail polish set.. Haha.. Gian that since last year liao..

bali trip

Dear: why u so long never update on blog..
Me: got a while nv update liao.. Recently got nth to post leh.. No event and no holiday.. Dear: laugh.. Where got no holiday?
Me: where hav.. When?
Dear: we just went to bali.. Have such a unforgettable memory..
Me: ya hor.. When we go ar?
Dear: cant imagine u already forget.. We just went in sep..
Me: oh.. Haha

So now I updating bali trip.. Went for hot spring.. Is lik soaking in just hot water.. Don feel spring at all.. There is nice food though.. We ate the crispy pork skin.. So fantastic.. Ate crisy duck also and many many nice indonesian food.. Didn't bought much stuff back to sg.. The villa is so shiok.. Two bedroom, onr private swimming pool and jacuzzi.. Too bad my mum is there haha else got our own private space.. Sunset dinnet is so nice and wonderful and the dolphin watching.. Wow.. We brought our gopro.. So can see the dolphin underwater diving.. Nice.. Someting bad abt this trip.. I make my mum cry.. Why? Because she qian ma.. Bath finish jiu say y ppl bath so slow.. Say we take our own sweet time.. When we didnt.. The stupid driver also another one.. Useless.. Don doe how to plan.. Keep bringing us to those tourist expensive until siao de area.. Wan go eat de location nv go bring us to other location.. Then we not scare not enough money.. Then my mum still there nagging and nagging y u nv do lik that.. U should lik tat when all done has already been done.. Already irritated still add her stupid oil to fire.. Get scolded already then cry.. Still need me to go and please her.. I told her she better don follow her friend de footsteps else no body will wan to go overseas with her any more.. In the end.. I think everyone still enjoy the trip.. Will I go again? Maybe not in near future..

Colleague outing - Pork Knuckles

Today going to eat pork knuckles at Raffles Place with my colleagues.. We have doing a lot of activites and outing etc before moving to new office.. At new office they have yoga on Tue and zumba on Thurs. Free of Charge. So good. Then can dismiss early at like 4.30 to go there for the classes.. Damn shiok.. and still dismiss at 6pm.. one of the nice perks of this integration.
This week got cramps all over.. Tue i went Yoga, then wed play Basketball and thurs go belly dancing.. Wed me and dear met an ah ma in the lift very old le.. the ah ma keep saying she 80 plus liao.. old liao.. going to die liao.. just waiting for death only.. u hear le also feel sad.. she say she scare don doe when is her turn as her neighbour just pass away.. One moment u are just talking to them.. the next moment they are gone.. of course they will feel frighten..
Currently got a lot of new about airplanes crash again.. What wrong with the planes nowadays.. innocent ppl are dying or missing.. I saw a post online.. This 15 year old girl is like me.. living with only her mum.. Her mum was in that plane as an air stewardess.. In her post she stated that she miss her mummy and she is back to alone again.. When I saw this, I cried.. Just because of some political ting.. ppl lost their family just like tat.. one day you are with them, the next they are gone.. you nv know what happens in the next second.. This imprinted deeply that one should cherish and treasure their love ones.. And also treasure their own lives.. Lastly rest in peace for those who are gone..
Another ting to take note about lives is don do reckless or dangerous thing and leave ur family behind to suffer.. when u are gone u are at peace but ur loves one who are still here will be the ones suffering from the lost of u and missing u.. Please don tink just about urself..

Going to Cameron Highland

Cannot wait to go to Cameron Highland. Already booked the hotel.. Altas hotel.. haha.. Now already can drool about the sweet corn there and the chocolates.. Still rmb the dessert store and the souvenir store beside it selling chocolates that is so nice..
recently got quite a lot of activities.. Have our company BBQ on 12 Jul Sat.. Next we will have our pork knuckles on 25 Jul.. And then planning a mid autumn festival on 8 Sep.. Aug got a few makan makan events too.. 2 Aug dear and I will be selecting our flats.. BTO at marsiling or admiralty.. Than 8 Aug will be our Trip to Cameron Highland.. Following Bali Trip.. haha.. on 24 Sep..
I am searching for dance classes.. Trying to arrange diff dance on the weekdays.. a bit hard.. Exotic dance only on weekends.. Then Dor only can go for belly dance on Thurs.. So i am tinking.. Belly dance thurs and maybe argentine tango with dear on Tue on sun.. or pole dance first ba.. will try to arrange ba..

alone mood

My legs hurts.. Today after meeting ivy and eileen feel so bored.. Got the mood of being alone and walking.. So I was tinking of walking until tired den take bus home.. In the end I walk all the way home from amk.. Since sec schol I sometimes have tis kind of feeling just feel lik walking.. Walk in malls.. Or take a swing at punggol.. Been so long since I have tat feel.. Sometimes still need some time alone.. Emo.. Haha.. Today got the feel again but tis time I walk for so long.. Just got the depress mood I guess or the don wan to be disturb mood.. Now got the tired mood le.. Been wondering y life is so boring.. Work slp meet friends socalize tat all.. Real life is always so practical.. No money means nth..

Been watching twilight repeatedly.. So tinking abt the difference in life.. Haha.. Sometimes tinking been immortal is gd too.. Dreaming abt all the romance.. Well love in fantasy is always big difference from reality.. Just have to accept it ba.. Well going to bath and slp le.. Gd nite.. And happiest thing is me and dear got our flat le.. At woodland.. Yay..

Friday always the happy last working day of the week.

today is friday. our company is going on a shopping spree again. We just went yesterday for shopping at Vivo. I bought like at least 10 dresses after my exam.. shopping spree going out of control.. haha.. THen i promise dear to not buy dresses anymore for 1 year.. which not sure if I can really do that haha.. said it because I wan to buy the dresses from forever new.. the very ex shop but on sales.. due to great sg sales.. Everybody doesnt seems to have mood to work in this company due to to bought over and going to move over to new office. Closing is coming again. And more report to do for the intregration. But i have extra capacity so should be ok with me. Today Breakfast is Corn Flake. Dor keep laughing at me last time for pronouncing as corn flat.. Well. I am currently still pronouncing it as corn flat.. Hahaha. A habit my mum taught..
Yesterday joce ask me out to go paya lebar walk walk.. guess it is the hari raya nite market.. been so long since i went to a night market. recently after exam I just slack at home watch show never really go out.. Other than some trial dance. Went on a ktv session with my uni frens.. having the long wait for the results to be out.. hope all of us pass with good grades. sooner or later I will go sign up for the contemporary dance.. we'll see ba.. Maybe pole dance too.
Yesterday Dear ride me to ponggol end.. New building is up with pier and big boat around etc.. saw a super big Grouper at the seafood restaurant.. but the boat kill the nice scenery to dine there and the ponds there is now full of tortise.. so cute.. well probably the guppies all that small fishes already eaten by the ponds tortise.. all looking at you waiting for you to feed them.. I told Dear today I going to buy 5 cabbages to feed the tortise.. Dear say u serious.. tomolo we comming again ar? I say haha.. yes.. They very ke lian got nth to eat. the pond totally has no food lol.. then we do some chit chatting abt my fren fabian and abt his fren winston. Dear say they have similarities.. Winston is a big flirt.. Fabian is not.. That is a big difference already..
10 Min more and we will be heading to vivo for our shopping spree again.. haha..

dumpling festival

Dumpling festival is here again.. went to ah ma hse to make ba zhang.. this year got a lot of diff variety.. we have salted egg, spicy shrimp, abalone, red bean, normal and nyona.. eat until siao.. I tink I have eaten at least 10 ba zhang this year.. highest record.. this year my ah ma even wanted to put onion in the ba zhang.. if I am not there toccustomized my own ba zhang.. guess tis year don nid to eat le.. so every year must go.. haha.. After exam lol.. is relax time now.. went on an online shopping spree.. bought a lot of stuff.. toothbrush umbrella dresses.. I tink I bought 7 dresses at one go.. wow.. haha.. well not ex de dresses la.. should stop looking at clothes le.. Wanted to book a yacht on deal.com de.. just went dor and joce both agree the deal sold out.. sian.. I been looking at the yacht for years liao.. last time quite ex.. just when they is a gd deal I am too late to buy.. hope there is another gd deal out soon.. Arrange to cut my hair and facial.. wondering wat kind of hair should I cut.. should I keep long or short hair? Need to pamper myself after exam.. Now looking at all the dancing classes.. planning to join the pole dance near my work place and the contemporary/ modern dance at yio chu kang there.. tink I will be more interested on tat cause more moves.. more actions.. need more exercises.. getting fatter liao haha.. everyday squeezing my tummy fats.. gain few kg of weight at gambro.. everyday eat, sit, eat, sit.. plus all the handmade cakes muffin cookies etc from my colleague.. everyday eat tibits wang wang.. chocolates.. so well fed at work..

Bonus & Rewards

Yay.. once again it is time for bonus and incentive.. Last year Aug already taken half year de bonus.. So this year bonus for the remaining of the other half year not so much.. I was hoping for another month but don hav.. only got half a month.. But i am happy with my increment.. this year increment is a bit more than x2 of last year de.. Boss say is confidential cnt say.. Though with this increment i am still the lowest paying employee in the company.. so sad.. Feeling lazy liao.. and boring.. haven even reach 3 years in this company yet.. need to wait for a while more.. jia you ba.. next job i must hit 3k de pay.. Exam coming soon.. start of may.. faster finish faster relax and i don have to pay school fees le.. provided i pass my exam.. Jia you Jia you must pass..~~~ This year i bought 4d myself.. won $20.. haha.. well better than nth ba.. Today my left eye keep twitching.. hope is good news.. my senior say left eye twitch means got wealth.. i hope so.. haha.. Dear got a new job..doing project coordinator.. office work.. doing something lik Ivy role.. thought he will nv do office work but still he is doing now.. not bad.. at least now can msg me during work.. not like last time.. with his salary increase.. I was hoping he will contribute more into the shared account.. he say stil got study fee la.. got my ring to buy la.. blah blah blah.. lots of excuses.. Well i will wait till u finish ur study den we say ba.. anyway his boss when interview that time say they planning to expand.. so probably can promote to manager. Joce also got a job le.. Ivy de role also.. she say very busy with the work.. she doing 9 type of drugs.. she say very busy liao.. her side still need to do lik purchasing lik tat.. same lik sam de work also.. all the best to both of them and to me too.. haha..

so boring I need a long break

Hai.. everyday need to go work and study.. feel so sian.. so bored and mentally tired.. feel lik taking a long break before work again.. but I wanted to wait 2 more years.. hai.. don doe la.. need saving also.. ytd lunch after class me and dear go bukit timah food center eat.. saw dor and her bf and her bf de fren.. talking abt girlfriends.. the guy fren lik girl lik tat hua chi de.. now de guys now also gossip lik girls.. just nice saw dor i rmb that need to tell dear i going ktv this coming sat.. so i say dear tis sat i go ktv with them (dor and joce).. den he say orh.. den dor also tell his bf.. tis sat i also go ktv with them (me and joce).. both lik doing report lik tat haha.. so funny.. den me and dear keep having debating and arguing.. den dor say ok la ok la.. eat lol don keep arguing.. den at night we went to to-gather cafe to eat.. their food not bad de wor.. maybe someday I will bring joce there all go eat.. and the ponggol tat side de hong kong cafe also..

quarreling

Wed just quarrel with dear dear.. he so stubborn.. wrong already still don admit.. keep denying and insisting I got no prove.. tinking of all his bad habit and attitude makes me wonder if I can still continue to be with him.. so unhygienic.. I already compromise and sacrifice a lot for him lol.. he also nv.. still so self centered.. only tinking abt what benefits him.. what he wants.. sometimes I feel do stuff for him also not worth it.. when he don reciprocate anyway.. give him so many chance le still also like tat.. hai.. ytd he say he will try again.. also don doe real a not.. everytime also mouth talk no action de.. still don see changes I tink jiu suan le.. I don wan to be always tolerating all his bad habit behavior and attitude.. 6 years of complaining and improvement only lik <=5%.. I also don lik to be always complaining.. but I also cnt always compromise and tolerate forever de ma.. he always can do wat he wan.. I jiu cnt do wat I wan.. he say wat also can.. I say jiu cannot.. everytime also need ppl to push him den got a bit action.. so tiring.. everytime also need to say then will do.. and do also 三分钟热度 de..

sabah padi open water dive

Went to sabah 5 days to take the padi open water dive course.. drank a lot of sea water.. the stupid mask in and out de is my nightmare.. cannot slp at night because of it.. total got 5 dives.. saw some nice fishes lik grouper with the black spots.. we have a red big eye fish.. some butterfly fish and one lionfish I tink tat wat it is called.. I almost hit two of them.. my instructor saw and pull me away.. cause tat fish will sting ppl.. got a few jellyfish sting.. well.. it was not as painful as I tot it will be.. I go snorkelling also will get stung a few times by don doe wat.. just tat this stung will be a bit more painful and u will have red swollen spots on the stung area.. will upload some pictures later on.. my big discovery on this dive are stingrays, sea slug, lionfish and turtle etc..  while swimming past the sea slug on the coral.. the sea slug float away haha.. guess the wind of my flippers make them fly.. anyway got a bad wound on the feet ankle too.. due to the flippers rub too much against my skin.. the skin drop off.. I didnt even notice.. just feel a bit pain on and off.. my instructor saw it bleeding and ask me wat happen den I realise the ankle was bleeding.. 3 days of flipper rubbing.. the skin drop out.. den I put some water and waa it hurts a lot.. den I bath all tat also hurts.. hurts like don doe how many times more than the jellyfish stung.. walk now lik yi kuai yi kuai de.. all the skin trying to heal den I walk it will stretch the skin and hurts..

Anyway my instructor is a friendly ang mo.. was a bit shock when I realise he was my instructor cause normally asian and ang mo a bit hard to click de.. but he is the open minded friendly type de so he seems to click very well with the rest.. well the instructor at sabah all very nice and friendly and helpful de.. not lik the stupid phuket ppl.. all so idiot.. oly help americans ppl cause they tink americans are richer.. money face.. sabah de all not like tat de.. all nice.. I learn this course at diverse borneo.. cheaper price nice instructors.. haha.. my instructor shuai shuai.. saw his email dominicbooth83@gmail.com den I realise their surname weird weird de.. diff I guess.. like my colleague surname is peterson.. I tink peterson still common ba.. surname booth first person I know.. one ting bad is on the first dive he drag me into the water straight away after the skills test all tat.. scare the hell out of me.. I was panicking the ear blocking and all tat.. scary for the first time.. I keep tinking I am going to drown.. after a few times it feels ok.. but still scary.. the skills especially the on off mask ting makes me panic.. the first time I did I drank a lot of water.. breath through my nose almost drown.. I am supposed to do in the water.. lucky it wasnt tat deep.. like maybe 2-6m ba.. I swim upwards to the top for air.. while I actually have the respirator.. well not used to breathing through my mouth.. after tat I use the pinch nose method and so much better but still choked on water a few times.. didnt know so much skills need to do for this course... but glad tat I finish it.. nightmare gone.. yay.. dear ask me to go for advance.. I say siao.. I also haven get used to diving yet.. he always 3 min re du de.. after a while jiu forget liao lol..

This sabah trip is for our 6 years anniversary.. so happy 6 years anniversary to us.. did my first time diving.. scary scary diving.. hahaha.. this trip also I pay half for dear birthday.. haha.. dear bought me h2o set.  he say treat as 6 years anni present.. since he say so.. not going to pay him back.. haha.. bought some fresh seafood back.. we have the sea cucumber fresh big big de.. den some fishes.. and big prawns.. the seafood shop uncle say y I everyting also don doe how to cook de.. come on I oly 23 lol.. how would I know I am not a chef.. my mum don cook so many diff type of fishes right.. u say steam I know la.. not lik I know what fish need to cook using what method de ma.. if I so clever I will be chef liao.. not chef tat y ask ma.. we went fish night market there eat.. damn nice.. ate scallop veg and bbq fish oly rm 32.. just the prawn more ex there.. prawns there rm 45.. took a lot of photo with my piano black instant camera.. yay at last got the chance to use it.. last year went phuket forgot to bring cause i rushing to dear hse the nite before.. fabian cnt wait to long to drive me over so I rush and forgot.. this time nv forgot.. yay.. give away a few pieces to other ppl also.. well suan la ba.. I am a generous girl.. haha..

same feeling as this..

正当爱很不容易, 而我遇见了你。很感谢你给我在一
起的勇气。或许爱很不容易才能够痊愈。我却因为你找回了信心。

Tat day one of my colleague ask me if I am affected by my parents divorce.. and I don trust or believe in relationship.. well.. I guess I am sort of affected ba.. I don trust guys tat much.. my colleague say well u still seems to be ok.. at least u still try to go into a relationship.. I tink through her words and realise true.. I am trying.. apart from family background.. apart from past failed relationship.. I am still trying and hoping to find the right one.. which also means i haven give up and because of him.. it is sort of slowly recovering.

kick off meeting malacca

Kick off meeting at malacca.. so shiok.. got rm 100 buck allowance for food and transport.. don need to work can go shopping.. meals provided.. if everytime lik tat jiu hao.. got free meal plus money to spend.. first day reach there so hungry.. not enough time for lunch.. in the end team building tat time ate oly ice cream and goreng pisah tat I found on the way.. den dinner we wanted to eat assam laksa.. but thurs so all close.. we can eat Portuguese food but they don wan.. so we ate hard rock instead.. second day we got meeting.. so boring.. meeting whole day.. sian.. director caught me slping.. but don care.. really very tired leh.. having headache tat day also.. den at nite we went jonker street again.. walk walk shop shop.. introduce my colleague the panty roses.. they bought for their wives.. haha.. third day free and easy.. we went to eat chendol plus the laksa.. shiok.. den shopping buy souvenir buy famous amos cookies plus local products.. went to the mdm goh pineapples tart there.. intro to my colleagues.. the aunty gave me a box of wife bisuits for free.. tink its for my introduction fee.. haha.. well.. my dear hate the uncle.. he say the uncle attitude not gd.. the aunty attitude better.. anyway mui lee nv go cause sick.. I alone one room.. lucky the room is connecting de.. so connecting with kyle and jasmine.. haha.. gd.. they morning call me everyday.. not a bad trip la.. but still prefer if the meeting is only half day..

Anyway day meet my dear.. supposed to study in the end we slp haha.. dear say he love me.. I say I love him too.. he say he love me more I say I love him most.. he say he love me mega most.. lol.. sounds lik the rapunzel movie.. the so call good mother and rapunzel de speech.. haha..

Valentine Day

Today is valentine day.. me and dear de 6th valentine day.. today dear say don doe whether I would like the present he buy.. well.. no matter what present.. is the sincerity that counts.. no matter what present I also will like.. handmake de even priceless cause no body have except me.. haha.. this year I design our own memories together and put on the cups.. have it delivered to dear house without informing him. Dear got a shock.. thought someone give him some black curse cause the cups are black.. so funny.. hu would want to curse my dear dear? The design would only be shown when u pour hot water.. I haven see it yet.. guess tomolo I will be able to see it.. wonder my design on the cup will be nice a not..  today dear give me rose again.. but this time the rose can be with me forever de.. it will not wither.. is a gold rose.. just when I was tinking of asking dear to buy that.. but I didnt cause it is too fragile.. squash it jiu out of shape le.. didnt know that even when I didnt say dear also bought.. really is xin ling xiang tong.. just few days ago.. my rose plant was botak.. no leaves at all.. I ask my mum.. did u water it? She say yes.. I didnt believe her so I water myself.. now it is with lots of leaves.. all new a bit red leaves.. hope it will have roses soon.. haven check yet though today..

My design for the cups.. will compare when I see original



My gold rose

life

不知为了什么我这几天的心情都好低落。好像得忧郁症是的。哈哈开玩笑。今天老师说了大概20分钟才下课。他说每一天都是他的生日。为什么?长话短说就是今天不知道明天会发生什么事所以每天都要过的开心没有遗憾。这个道理我早就领悟到了。你今天活着明天就可能死了。这事领我想到我一直都在想的事。我是一个没有耐心的人。就说成绩吧!我最讨厌就是等成绩。喜欢一考完就知道拿几分。我喜欢早知道答案。我喜欢知道结果。有时我会想。要是今天我死了。我也甘愿因为我觉得已经够了。我有疼我的妈妈。男朋友。和朋友。如果有的选择死或者活着我会选择死。因为我害怕以后的事。人不可能什么都有。爱情亲情友情。我不想有一天我会失望或伤心。尤其是对爱情的事。可能我中毒太深。我妈和身边认识的人的下场让我没有信心。所以为了不收伤害我会选择放弃。我对什么事都开朗也有信心唯独这个没有。我不想有一天伤心和失望。所以选择放弃。要是我还没有死那我就会想要知道。不管开心或不开心的事都不喜欢被隐瞒。真矛盾。又害怕伤心又不喜欢被隐瞒。真的麻烦。到现在我从没有觉得后悔决定和他在一起。因为如今我觉得很开心也幸福。虽然有时还是会因为他而哭。但是多数是开心的。我希望有一天我流眼泪不是因为伤心而是感动或开心。贪心一点。最好开心的眼泪多过伤心的。还有我不想有一天因为生病而痛苦的死。所以我会常常希望像童话的吸血鬼一样不会生病而死。而且童话的爱情故事都是永恒的不会变的。我不喜欢陈经拥有。我喜欢永远拥有。要不就拥有一辈子要不就不要拥有过。

最近常常看天上的星星和月亮。让我想到那时在他婆婆家一起看到的星星。真美丽。真想有许多记得住快乐美丽的回忆。

现在的心情就象是放弃他的心情一样。拿走后心情不好是正常的。现在为什么心情不好就不知道。那天是09-10-2012我还留住卡为了知道日子。所然不后悔但是还是会想起。要是没有拿走应该在一起有半年了吧。

next level

Hai.. I feel that it is getting boring.. studying is boring.. work is boring.. relationship is boring.. Study.. always boring.. hope I can finish my degree with honors.. need more discipline.. need more control.. how the hell am I going to get my degree with honor. Grrrr.. next level.. if I pass.. should I go for a cpa?? Most likely the ans should be a yes.. but probably need some break time first.. we'll see if the time is up as to when will I continue my cpa.. Working.. another boring thing.. im waiting for the new of moving to baxter.. the new experience and event that I look forward to.. although I am happy here.. but its too constant and getting bored.. even though I wanted to stay for few year before proceeding to a next job.. but still hai.. I an aiming for some management job but can I get one is unknown.. currently this change of moving to baxter at least can excite me a little.. since I am doing my work to fast have extra time on my hand which I do not know wat else I can do.. hoping this change of environment can really help to motivate to stay as I wish too.. maybe I am really the type tat can stay in one place for long. . I will get to bored.. Relationship.. constant and stagnant. . Becoming 100% Boring and uninteresting.. I really hope to move to the next level.. don wan to talk abt money and all that nonsense.. not sure if I am too eager to move to the next level to stay together or just he is to uninterested to move the relationship to next level.. I need some new thing to make it exciting. Without money jiu cannot move to next level meh? I have already think of all possible ways but still no actions taken.. how long can this relationship be constant before I burst out of boredom? Wat else can I do to prevent this constant.. we been together for 6 years.. few years of constant is really boring me out.. it just as easy as just move together stay together morning wake up able to see him wake up with a kiss not a msg one.. at nite slp able to get a real kiss too.. how hard is that? Why is there so many issues with that? Going for trip overseas islike the best ting everytime liao.. cause it is the only time that can fulfil what I want.. but is only a short tern ting.. sometimes I really wonder how can a couple been in 8-10years relationship constant.. before moving to next level.. what do they do to make it exciting? I am only in 6 and I am really bursting.. Conclusion.. maybe I just cnt stand being constant doing same stuff without new event.. without new stuff.. for work and for relationship.. I need someting new badly.. new event new memories.. new someting.. whatever that can be exciting..

CNY & valentine day

Its Chinese New Year time.. received hong bao.. This year Hong Bao seems to increase in amount.. Just when i was complaining to Wei Lin about our family de rate always remain the same.. But still overall not much difference though.. this fri going to Ka wei house to celebrate the new year. Hope wont be the same as how it ended last year.. Just a mahjong game.. why are people so sore loser.. this month Feb will be a busy month.. going kick off meeting at malacca.. a bit boring about the place though but going with diff batch of people diff experience.. Why cannot go further place? So stingy.. haha.. Next mon meeting joce they all.. haha.. still hanging out.. 7-8 years of friends.. nice.. rbc say go to her house.. Then will be valentine day liao.. wonder got what plans anot.. how would we be celebrating valentine this year? looking forward.. My family got a few cousin married liao.. give birth le also.. now going to have another baby nephew.. Next year two of my other cousin is getting married.. THis year my company got three getting married.. three hong bao to give.. big bomb.. Exam are coming in May.. this year is last year le.. hope i pass my exam and best with a honor degree.. not sure if i can get a honor.. Jia You ba.. Not sure this year will move location a not.. since we going to baxter side now.. no news.. but bonus will be in apr.. yay.. feeling a bit bored at work le.. nth much changes.. every day do about the same ting.. but i will stay for a few more years.. cause i am happy working here with nice colleagues.. always got free new clothes too..

our memories

I found out that I have not been posting often.. some details of my life and memories are left out.. I read through my past post.. help me rmb some.. first valentine 2009 with my dear was at the hotpot at marina square.. dear bought a bouquet of ferrero rocher with one rose.. known as wei yi.. on my first birthday celebration with dear should be 2008.. we ate at maison with oreo cheese cake.. on my second valentine 2010 it was with new year.. dear bought me an anklet.. well tat anklet is lose and missing le.. anniversary of our first year mar 2009 was at the beach.. dear make sushi with wasabi.. not knowing i don eat wasabi.. my second birthday 2009 was not celebrated with dear cause he isnt around.. cnt rmb why le.. either army or penang trip with his friends tat time.. third and fourth fifth not posted.. trying to recall.. if I am not wrong my birthday 2011 was with my nhg friends and dear surprise me with paradise fruit tart.. 2012 valentine was celebrated again I tink at marina.. whereby I got a rose bouquet too.. last year 2013 anniversary we went to phuket to celebrate.. this year we will be going sabah.. year 2012 birthday was when I am 21st.. we had a birthday celebration together with celebrating dor birthday.. it wasat sentosa hard rock hotel.. such a nice place.. this birthday present was a sponsorship of $500 cash from dear dear.. tat was also the day whereby I forgot my clothes when bathing.. was waiting for dor to come out from her shower and help me go out take.. when someone came in with a bag of clothes saying my bf request to pass it to me.. haha.. I tink dear always used to my blur sotong way.. 2013 valentine was not celebrated.. or celebrated with anniversary for the phuket trip.. 2013 birthday.. dear give me the dancing star earrings.. haha.. what would I get for valentine is unknown this year.. haha.. anniversary was going sabah and was a present from me for dear 2014 birthday present..

year 2013

Time pass so fast.. now is year 2013 aug le.. start working full time also got a few years le.. working in gambro almost 2 years le.. hehe.. so lucky got another bonus this month.. not much but better than nth.. good time to have join the company.. normally obe year once de bonus.. cause got bought over tat y got one more extra.. next time de bonus will be under baxter le.. say bye bye to gambro soon..

Tis two years I have been going overseas quite a multiple times.. go bangkok, phuket.. mostly malaysia.. sibu, desaru, johor.. genting.. This year first time when to dear de malaysia kampong.. there de star so nice.. haha.. went to climb these mountain.. all stairs.. when I come down my legs shaking automatically.. dear still ask me go again.. I then don wan.. one ting I miss is pancake.. the pancake so nice.. although corn very little but cheap.. myr 30 cents also.. nth much to do.. but got a farm and a big disgusting pervert dog.. haha..
Got a shock.. imagine u took a nap when u wake up saw a flat big grasshopper ting lying beside u.. and u tinking u probably squash it while slping.. feel a bit disgusting but also a bit sad for the insect.. they also say insects are ancestors.. den I would be considered squashed one of dear ancestor le..

Went phuket with dear.. so wonderful just the two of us for 3-4 days.. haha.. got the same experience as dor.. the lizard drop down when I opening the door.. scare me.. slimy slimy de run away.. eek.. den dear got a bad sunburn and there goes my 3 hour.. hai.. he lol.. almost so stubborn like to act tough.. I wont sunburn de.. in the end burn lik lobster.. haha..every year should have such two ppl trip again.. beside dear dear..

Oct I going hokkaido lol and medan with my mum.. lots of seafood waiting for me.. must eat alaska crab there.. hehe.. fresh.. hope is a gd trip..

These few days got quarrel with dear dear.. don doe y just got the feel of being alone.. don doe is because relationship dan hua le or I change le.. last time I always tink tat without dear dear cnt live.. now no more these type of tinking le.. maybe cause I qi guan or give up le or wat.. everytime I got tis fire burning den dear is like the cold water splash down jiu no more liao.. so many times until probably immune liao.. everytime msg also not much reply.. connection like not as strong.. and feel like with dear jiu good but without him jiu not much of the connection le.. not miss him tat much when I don see him le.. talk to him also don listen to me de.. so stubborn.. talk until I also don care liao.. lazy to say.. also now not much got a romance feeling le.. going to 6 years I tink tis is wat they call Dan hua le ba.. don doe how to explain.. but I don always stick to him anymore le also.. he also wont stick to me so no longer stick to him le.. hope there is new occasion or event tat can cheer and boost my morale ba..