Stress co parenting

Last week i was so shocked when im out with my helper. I was told by her that my ex been monitoring where i bring my child to using her tablet. My ex can tell her the location that i bring my daughter to on the day im with her. Stating she bring her to her mum house today.

Now i know why he has been insisting and trying to influence my daughter to bring the tablet out when i say not needed. 

I didnt know he has that location tracking on her tablet and how long he has been monitoring where i brought her to. 

I didnt want to bring it along just these few months because my daughter has been complaining that her bag is too heavy. She is refusing to carry her own bag due to the weight. So I told her not to bring her tablet. Anyway she dont really use it often. Only at meal times when she is with me. She can use the spare phone that i have. 

I feel so disgusted and violated by his action when my helper told me. Knowing that he has been using my child to monitor movements. These bring up my anxiety the past week. I cant have a sound sleep at night. And recalling back the few times he insisted joining the helper to pick up my daughter. My helper say he just wanted to see who i bring my daughter out with. The feeling of being monitored by him makes me feel so unsafe. Why would he do that for? 

My helper says he did that because he is still in love with me, but this isn’t love. It feels controlling, obsessive, and wrong. I wish I could understand his motives, but all I know is that it is affecting me and making my anxiety level high. 

Today i told him my daughter drop her bus card. Told him to take note not to have her bus card hang on the outside of the bag. I said it before to the helper and repeating it to him. As expected he turn it back to me like usual, criticise that i fail my responsibility as her mum. I ask him how he got his card and he refuse to speak. This is so frustrating. Cant he just be collaborative? 

On top of that he start using his usual way to threaten me by not providing things for her when she is out with me. Bus card is a necessity. And he is refusing to provide. I decided not to argue and agreed. Then he started giving me a list of what i should be doing 

I feel so drained and irritated. I want to focus on caring for my daughter, but it feels like in order to do that i have to keep constantly fighting against him instead of being able to parent peacefully.

Recalling the day back when i got so mentally drained i told my friends that i am considering giving up my daughter custody. I felt extremely exhausted and overwhelmed, I asked them for opinion. I rmb my friends told me i decided this path and knew what it involve when i decide to let my ex have her. It really hurt hearing that. Feeling like I abandon my daughter. Honestly I didnt expect my ex to behave in this way. 

But then I reminded myself that my daughter needs stability, care, and a parent who will protect and guide her. And I needed to be that parent. I wish people understood how mentally draining this situation is. I wanted to escape the stress caused by my ex but I want my daughter to feel happy having both her parents in her life and to never feeling abandoned. And i want to make sure that she is not feeling that our marriage failed is because of her. 

Today my daughter had a meltdown. Once again. I notice her grandma is staying at her house and she is having a meltdown with me. My helper mention that my ex is on overseas business trip i think. 

Today her meltdown was full 1.5hours. And the reason was she wanted to play 5 more min on the playground. This is the second time she had this meltdown. Same as the first. I notice both happened when her grandma is around. 

Hearing her crying her heart out repeating she wanted 5 min more make me ache. Then she started repeating she want hugs and she want mummy even when i was hugging and comforting her. I do not know what has happen to her when she is at home. I tried asking her what happen when she finally calmed down but couldnt get to the underlying reason. I ask about school but she seems to be happy with school.  She said she made friends. 

She told me she was upset that she couldnt choose what to do on her day with me. Before her meltdown, she has complained to me that she is upset i plan the day for her and she dont get to decide. she wanted to play whole day. I told her i didn't know and unfortunately i have plan out these 2 sunday with her and i promise her that in future i will let her plan on her own. 

I kept noticing how her emotions are very unstable and unbalanced whenever her grandma is around. I heard her grandma trying to guilt trip her, throwing temper shouting at her and refusing to let her play. It seems like her grandma’s pressure and controlling actions are causing my daughter stress, which may be why she breaks down so easily when she is around. 

Instead of proceeding with the class. Today I comforted her, told her art school that she is not well today and to have make up class next week instead. Today i let her cry it out, went to my house to relax, watch some show and eat lunch. 

Then we proceed to go to my grandma house to have a playdate with her cousin. She seems happy and fine afterwards. I am noticing a pattern that my daughter becomes overwhelmed and has meltdown easily when she is under her grandma's pressure. I suspect the way her grandma tries to control her activities has my daughter feeling overstressed. Which seem to cause her to breakdown so easily when she is around.

It hurts to see her like this, but I really feel so helpless. I just try my best to support her, comfort her, and help her regain stability. Hope that her grandma doesnt visit often so she dont feel so overwhelmed and pressured. 

At times i wonder if i make the right choice to have my ex take care of her. I question if it is the right environment for her especially when in these kind of situation. But I remind myself that I am doing my best to support her, comfort her, and help her feel safe and loved whenever she is with me. I know that making any changes now especially if i decide to fight etc may cause pressure to her. Best to let her decide when she grow up and is more able to make her own decision. 

Boring

Work busy finish liao. Feel like got excess energy. Feeling so bored. No excitment anymore. 

Been 3 months since my last vacation and 3 months till my next vacation. 😫

Calculating my expenses and planning for my future house and retirement. How much I need to save for future. My only kpi left is to buy house and travel around and money is needed. 

Time in exchange for money, money in exchange for travel and happiness. Need money but also need freedom. How to balance? When i buy my house means less money. Need start from scratch to build my little gold piggy. 

Why is working such a dread after a while? Recently getting more relunctant to go to work. I wonder if it is time for a new job? 2 years plus into the job only. This job no more 新鲜感. Need higher income de. 

Happy new year

It is a new year. 2026 i am finally 35 yo this year and able to buy my own hdb. Counting down to my birthday.

Today went jb with my friends. Time flies and our topic now included kids and their wellbeing. Recently my friends been going for plastic surgery. My face has been kind to me. So nv had to worry that much on anything. Honestly i dont feel the need for them to do also. And I always feel it is best to have anything natural. Anything surgical has side effects. Nevertheless respect their decision as our mindset are different. I was nv the type to care about 外在美.

People changes including me. One of my friend ask me how am I with my bf. Well, I finally found a partner that i look up to and happy with. Checked all the boxes that i wanted. We cooperate well at home and compliment each other flaws. We had our doubts and trust issues with each other initially from past relationship. Had a few break up during the process. Eventually with sincerity, manage to clear all of them with communication. 

He was really nasty to began with. Arrogant and difficult to communication. U ask A he answer C. Totally irrelevant and annoying. Being together sort of wear off my patience and mental with each test. Somehow i still give him a chance. Then 2nd stage was when I feel super disrespected by his mum and with his temper issue. Always shutting down during conflict. After a few times i just decided to let go and move on. To me being in a relationship need 2 sided to move towards each other. No matter how much "material" u have, personality still matters. 

I can understand he was hurt before. People play hard to get to see sincerity. But playing hard to get too much can be a turn off. He just overplayed it and got me angry. I left. He was apologetic and I give him another chance. I would say final chance for both of us. Interim trial for a few weeks. Result turn out well. Lots of changes and actions. He has proved his ability to me by learning and compromising through his actions. Saw a worth to stay on and accepted him. 1 year past from that broke up. Everything is well. 

Till now he has been continuous learning and compromising. So do I. Reflecting constantly on my flaws, taking in suggestions to improve. Communicated a lot and adjusted how we work around each other. We directly voice out our disagreement, take turn to listen and understand each other point of view, make changes to collaborate not tolerate. Take turn to give in on small matters. 

Well, I learned one thing from prior relationships which is what is consider a healthy relationship. Away from controlling, guilt tripping, manipulative and being used behaviour. How to be communicative, collaborative, respectful and understanding and lastly very important. How to protect your own boundaries. 

Hope everyone can also find their healthy relationship. If u are with a flawed partner and you cant tolerate, leave. 长痛不如短痛. If you have not reach the mental state to leave my only advice is to just try to maintain ur mental sane. Lower ur expectation for your partner to zero, accept how he is, dont be too uptight and move to self focus. 

One important thing to note is that it is nv ur fault that ur partner has flaws. Everyone has flaws brought down by past experiences, family background etc and it is not ur responsibility that you must tolerate their flaws or change them. It is always their own responsibility to learn to be a better person. Your duty is only to let them recognize their flaw and is their duty to learn and correct it to improve relationship.

If he does correct it, then he is worth to be given a chance. Else it is ok for you if you decide to keep ur standard and find someone else worthy. Nobody is born to tolerate another's person flaws and refusal to change. You deserve better. Of course before you leave remember when you expect your partner to have standard, make sure you yourself have standard. Everybody has a choices. Choose with ur capacity and dont overexpect things. 

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday to myself. Grew wiser every year. I think I nearing mid life crisis. Hahaha

Tired of working but not enough to retire. Feel like is so hard to be contented with life. Used to love my job. Love earning money to get the things I wanted or more like needed. 

Used to have a goal. Having a house having a kid and a car. And then I already have all of that. Is like been there done that. Now my goal is just to retire and travel around. 

So now I just needed money and no longer feel the passion in my scope of work. Since no matter how much you do, is unappreciated anyway.  No longer have the motivation to work. Just wanted to get my money and retire soon. 

Everytime I just thinking to myself if I should get a house or not. If I wanted to work harder and sacrifice time for more income to go faster to retirement. But at the same time I feel tired and wanted to remain as it is. 

Life is so contradicting. 

Grateful

Feeling grateful to have you as my companion. 

It feels like i found someone on the same level of understanding and appreciation. Standing on the same page. Even though having quite an age gap in between.

Life also seems to be better with you around. Like the stars are aligned on a line. Everything just goes well smoothly. A sign of being right. Positive, Happy and Healthy. 

Though one thing is nv enough. More money more money and more money. 1 thing for sure, happy me, happy u, happy us, happy life. 

Perfect fit of the puzzle. Whatever i dont do, u enjoy doing. Whatever u dont pursue, i enjoy pursuing. Whatever i lack of, you have abundance. Whatever u lack of, i have abundance.

Similar in some way but different in another that still fits. 

Recent interference

Cant sleep again. Now is like 4am. Happy that helper is back. All the past 2 months of tolerating comes to an end finally. Thinking about how to settle my future overnight stay with my girl. Though current arrangement is fine until i get my own house. But i feel sad not being able to have the overnight stay access time with my daughter. Feeling my heart ache when she say she want to stay with me and I told her cant because daddy dont allow. 

I can also feel her changes these 2 months when helper away. Her emotions becomes unstable. More shouting and hitting. Teacher also say her emotions not stable which i feel cause by the environment when her grandma is around. Teacher say she overheard grandma shouted at her to shut up when she want to negotiate for more playtime. Sometimes i feel sad hearing all of that. I cant imagine what kind of environment she has. I also face it myself when i pick her up one of the sun. 

Daddy is not around. Ashley is playing her princess lego when i pick her. Grandma saw i here keep rushing her to leave. Telling her to go go go. Say she want to go market. Ashley tried nego but her grandma just shut her down. Then continue take her trolley etc to leave. When Ashley refuse to budge, she throw her temper at her. Roughly handling the trolley before going back to sit on the sofa showing all her discontent. Super impatient.

Ashley also become sad and angry. Went to hit her. I told Ashley off she came over crying and i hug her. Explain to her why we need to leave.  ask her how long she needed and say to give her 5 more min. Honestly even as an adult is in that kind of environment will have a good attitude not to mention a 6 yo. But what can I do? Though heartache but can just tolerate and explain to my girl patiently. Wait till helper is back. 

Another incident was when I let my daughter wear a new pair of earring which i bought for her birthday. My ex say is not allowed in school. He say i stay so near i can just drop by to pass the earring. I say i cant. I told him to just let her wear at night and in the morning remove it. I will change back in next sun. He refuse and insist i find time to return that original earring. Implying and threatening that he will leave her earholes without earrings allowing her earholes to close. 

I got to rearrange my time to go over to exchange for the original only to found out that she was wearing earsticks. I dont understand why he need to insist i go over when he already has a solution. When things like this happen i really feel so frustrated and annoyed. I knew he will do that if he knew i stay nearby which is why i didnt want to disclose my privacy. Insisting i return things that was forgotten or wanted by him which was not as all important. 

Also with the environment with his mum, i wanted more time to be spending with her to calm my daughter's feelings show her love and care so she dont feel disrespected or unloved or uncared but I didnt want to share my address with him. Neither do i want to communicate or renego. Is too tiring. I can only guide her how to understand feelings or ppl show them differently. How to properly patiently explain what u feel and communicate.

Also currently I have to travel overseas in order to get my overnight access and to spend more time with her without the need to provide my address and without need argument etc. But next year Ashley is going to pri school. I can only travel either jun or dec and i still cannot have my house. 

Also I need to save money for house. Cant travel too often anymore. But if I dont travel i cant get overnight access. When I get my house and start requesting i hope he forgot about asking for address or have already given up that thought. 

Really didnt want to have to speak with him. So unreasonable always finding trouble. Ask him pack clothes also need question where i go? Else he dont want pack. Inform him what to prep in advance still ask me remind him again. I not his pa leh. Tell him to put his own reminder then threaten me again say if i dont remind he forget then i just wait for him to change lo. Or just let Ashley attend like that lo. Ridiculous honestly. I dont understand what is his prob. Why does he always have to threaten with Ashley wellbeing and trying to guilt trip me for his responsibility. 

If helper is around all is ok. No problem no issue. But if helper not around a lot of issues. Nv shower her also a prob. Get mosquitoes bites also a prob. Ask him pack clothes also need to argue. Only when i say i record every pick up and drop off then he quiet down. Else Every thing also want to control. That why I hate needing to communicate with him. Whenever my relative ask me to change access date etc to accommodate for entire family i really quite relunctant because he always will find ways etc to threaten and control. Be it the recent case of insisting i return Ashley at 9pm when order show 10pm. 

Usually i return Ashley early between 8-9pm because she has school next day. I also know she usually sleep around 9plus. With me if outdoor whole day she can felt asleep at 7 plus in the car. I didnt want her have late nights. That day was later than usual as she was having fun with her cousins playing till quite late. I also tried cutting it short and ensure she back by 10pm. Out of courtesy told my ex she will be back later than usual to have him insisting i sent back by 9pm. I just feel like ignoring him. Arguing with him just make my mental unrest and annoyed. Also he not always home during pick up or drop off. He will be out quite often. So i pray that he is away everytime. Then no conflict dont need see his face or hear his stupid comments like oh why so early etc. Early want say, late also want say. As long as he is home he got a lot of comments. 

Because of all his interference i even have the thought of giving up my child entirely. Recently it has been better. Only when helper not around conflict will start. But at least conflict not full blast type. Lucky for me i still tolerate and maintain. My friends always say when i give him my daughter. I given him the access to control everything. Yea. I felt that through all the threatening with my access time. Everytime i dont do things in his favor or as he wanted, he threaten me. From initally threaten me that i must report where i bringing my girl out for day time access else i cannot bring her. To when i have overnight access at his house to get out of his house. Till not giving overnight access until i give my address. Constant threaten. 

Because of those incident, i often get sleepless night thinking about the argument what to do, should i go to court or not? Should i give up my access right? Need consider the cost incurred, need to consider take leave also to go court. how to present law cases. How to negotiate. Also trying to take care of Ashley's feelings. Didnt want to argue with him in front of her. Also didnt want to call police in front of her after the last case. 

The judge mention something too. Is not nice for ur daughter to always have to see the police coming at such a young age. Can be traumatic. I do agree. But do i have a choice? If someone isnt being so difficult and always threatening with my access right i wouldn't have the need to. 

1 more year till i get my house. Probably foresee another big case coming if i need to fight for my access right once again. Hopefully time has tone him down a little on his ego and controlling behaviour. But given the latest situation without helper, nth change in him so far. Only thing change is i stop arguing. As long as i have my access, nth else matters. He can criticise and scold all he wants. 

Anyway deal with it in future. Very late liao 5am already. Got to sleep. Tomorrow still got to work. 

Work progress

Recently I have been having too much mental stress on work. Worry about things that werent even my scope. 

Trying to take a step back to see things more clearer and putting less stressed and expectation of myself. Giving more accountability and responsibility to others. Believe that people have eyes to see for themselves instead of judging from hearsay. 

Gossip are just gossip. Not for judgement. Less complaints more problem solving. Look for a direction that can escalate and resolve problems. Less worrying about politics. If the culture and environment is not right then find another. 

If there is hope then try to resolve it and hope everything will be better. 

Today replenish my sleep from a whole week of work stress. Spend time with my RR today.  Tomorrow is my cousin's wedding. Family time and Ashley time. 

Emotional stability

I was so frustrated and angry about the ptc that happened today.

1st of all my ex went in and start asking negative questions about how is my daughter chinese? Is she mingling well with the boys? Lastly criticising my daughter about her emotional outburst. 

1st question. The teacher said that her chinese was improving. So this shut my ex up because he wanted to complain that Ashley isnt speaking and refusing to speak chinese at home or with her mum. Why? Simple because she is not providing an encouraging environment at home for her to. His mother isnt patient and He tends to punish daughter for not speaking in chinese and likes to correct her when she is wrong. Who would want to speak when being criticise. Instead of finding fault with himself and to provide a better environment he just want to find someone else to agree with him to make himself feel better that is my daughter's fault than his lack of guidance and encouragement. 

2nd question. No idea what he is trying to imply with that question. Maybe wanted to mention that my daughter has some bias of men because of me etc. Teacher answered this question very logically. She said no. Ashley has standard and know what she wants. Boys tend to be a nuisance. Yes in my heart i agree strongly. And when boys be a nuisance with her. She will fight back and not want to be around them. Of course she has to protect her own boundaries rather than let some idiots bully her and pollute her peace. I will say well done to my daughter. You dont need to tolerate ppl who you feel not as the same level be it boys or girls. Because my ex cant find any fault once again he kept quiet.

3rd this is when he find the chance to criticise my daughter and putting blame and judgement on her. The teacher was complaining about my daughter sudden outburst in class and started shouting. She couldnt calm down. My ex continues criticising her mentioning that she is often like that when she is cranky due to lack of sleep etc. Blaming my daughter for everything. Whose daddy dont try to understand and speak for his daughter instead of allowing ppl to criticise and still say that his own daughter is emotionally unstable. What kind of daddy is this? I explain to the teacher that my daughter always has a reason why she gets angry. And it may not be easy to understand what she is angry about. She is young is hard for her to communicate her needs sometimes and she need patience. 

That is when the teacher said there has been an incident. She ask if ashley talk to her daddy about it. Apparently not. Because the teacher told us she threaten her about telling her daddy about her emotional outburst if she doesnt calm down. This is a way that is wrong. It means u are treating a kid outburst as a mistake. That is not what a teacher should be doing. So she continued saying about an incident with my ex's mother and my daughter. My ex's mother shouted something nasty and not so nice to my daughter. See and that is the reason why. So the story is my daughter wanted more playtime. Which the grandma disagree. So my daughter tried negotiating for a longer time which she disagree. Because my daughter refuse to leave and was trying to negotiate for more time. The grandma got annoyed and shouted at my daughter to shut up. What a mature way to resolve and issue. And most importantly what a role model. 

And how do they have the cheek to expect my daughter to be emotional stable when they are providing such an unstable emotional environment. With frequent shouting at home and no guidance to resolve issues. An adult with that many years of age cant even regulate her own emotions properly and they expect a 6 years old to be able to? Honestly i would have reprimanded my mum if she is like that. But i know he wont. Because he only knows how to blame his own child. Than to blame himself and his mum. 

I repeatedly said my daughter always has a reason why she is angry. And when i tried to explain my ex keeps interrupting me. Trying to push the blame that my daughter is critical always like to nego. Frustrated i kept quiet listening to him ranting about my daughter being unreasonable and emotional unstable. Hard to manage etc. My daughter was also listening to everything he has said. I just kept my cool until the end. He wanted to say cons about my daughter negotiation skills and said my daughter talk too much etc.

Then the teacher continued saying how my daughter is an encyclopedia knowing every facts and sharing with them even things that they didnt know. She said she learn from youtube. How my daughter is very mature. Her negotation skills are very good. She make a mistake and her processing problem solving skills are very good. She will keep giving solution and trying to solve the issues. She take up responsibility on her own. Saying how my nobody in class that kind of maturity like her. That when my ex then stop trying to criticise his own daughter and start claiming credits. Saying oh ya cause i treat her like a friend, talk to her nicely. Never give her the i am an adult u must listen to what i say things. 

When he said all this i am like ya right. Tell this to ur mum. Also what u just said has nth contributing to her skillsets alright. He has zero guidance toward my daughter. Just simply see how he react when my daughter has an outburst and you know how immature and irresponsible he is. Why my daughter was younger she always cry when angry. I nv blame my daughter for an outburst. I always hug her and let her cry. Then i ask her have she cry finish? Then i ask what happen why is she upset or angry. Then i told her crying has no use. She need to learn to speak what she need. Everytime i encourage and said oh u only cried 30 min etc. Eventually the frequency and period of cry got lesser. Over time, my daughter stopped crying and started speaking what she want. 

He also has zero analyzing and understanding skills. He dont even see why his daughter gets angry except for she is too young so she cant regulate her emotions. I have to rebute that. my daughter is a very mature girl and she is much better at regulating her emotions than an adult. She not happy she will nego than to shout and demand or cry when she dont get what she wanted. Because she burst and cry a few times. I let her cry. I comforted her and I told her this. I said u see u cry and u wasted so much time when u could be doing something better like playing more with kor kor. And if u want something, crying doesnt get u anything. U just wasted time. Instead use nego. Nego may not be 100% useful but u can try. And say please. That's when she learn nego. And i change my way. I starting ask her 2 or 4? Giving her choices. Teaching her how to nego 

By seeing the earlier cases u know he has zero prob solving skills. He share nth useful to the teacher on how to resolve. Only complains and criticism to my daughter. What's his guiding? Telling my daughter u are not to be upset even if grandma ask u to shut up? Hahaha. Or is it keep quiet when he knows his mum is in the wrong? Not to mention his strength is being super hardworking at pushing blame to others and criticise others and not apologizing when he knows he is in the wrong. I just sit there and watch show while he tries to act. What a clown. 

After all that, I said u finished? Ok u can leave i have things i wanted to talk to the teacher separately. He refuse to go and wanted to sit at next table saying that he want to listen to something i say about his daughter. 

Ok. I just ignored him and I explained to the teachers. I give the teacher the background of cause. I said the helper is away in Indonesia. She is being taken care by his daddy and grandma. Apparently the environment at home isnt stable. There is definitely frequent shouting and blaming etc. Like u mention his mother ask my daughter to shut up. Therefore it is normal that Ashley tend to be emotional unstable because of the environment she is in. She felt disrespected at all. When she feel disrespected or her opinions wasnt listen to she tend to be angry. 

Then i shared the solution. What they need to do is guide my daughter out of her emotions. They need to be patient and ask her question then listen to her. When she is angry she isnt listening she cant listen. They have to acknowledge her feelings then ask her question. Why is she angry? What does she need? This will set her focus on analyzing again than to focus on emotions. They need to guide her into that direction not telling her she need to calm down. 

I gave an example on an incident when i was speaking to my mother. My daughter shouted for her ah ma for a few times. She didnt answer. So my daughter became angry and starting shouting. That why i told her. Not to shout and I said Ok im listening now what do u need? She explain herself keep saying ah ma is not listening to her. I say ok but we were talking so she is not listening. So what u need her to do? What u want? Then she kept continuing saying she is angry ah ma was not listening etc. Then I say ok u are angry because ah ma is not listening then can ah ma apologize to u? She still continue. I say ok what u want? Ah ma already nv listen so? Why u need ah ma to listen? Then she started saying she wanted to play with the chairs and wanted us to stop and wait for her then ah ma keep walking so she shouted and we didnt stop. Then i say ok. Then should we walk back then? She say no need. But she angry ah ma nv listen. Then i told ah ma to apologize and i said. Ok ah ma apologize can u forgive her? She said ok. Then I told her a solution that next time she can tap on ah ma instead of shouting.

In conclusion, what she needs is guidance to speak her needs and solution. Not blame and definitely not a threaten for outburst. Why would u blame someone for showing why she is upset or angry at something or someone? 

The teacher just said thank you for telling us all these. We will try. I hope they really try. And dont judge my daughter when she has an outburst. Instead their role is to understand and listen. Not judge and complain but guide toward solving. 

My daughter come to me with a complain. I will always ask her what happen? Then how? What is she going to do? Lead her the way to prob solving and she will solve it herself. Of course sometimes she cant then u need to teach her what to do and give her solution. But my daughter is super smart so she learns quick. Lucky for me, she has my genes. Some ppl u teach 10 times also like an idiot. Answer put in front to see also can wrong. 

Peacefulness

Just when I am having some peacefulness in my life, some idiot acts up. Same usual tricks of complaining, guilt tripping, criticising. Trying to maintain control, boost his manly ego and avoiding responsibility since helper is not around. Nobody is available to let him show his weight around and bully. Nobody to please him. So he is in desperate need to control someone else. 

Honestly it is just a small matter but nth better to do ppl likes to take small matter and bring it up into a big commotion. What's the top of these nonsense? 

1. Mosquitoes

2. Daughter's item

3. Visitation rights (Newest showering)

Always bothering me over my daughter going home with mosquitoes bites. Honestly, i dont understand what the person is expecting me to do with it. Move to a planet without mosquitoes? Or maybe I can do some research and alter the dna of my daughter not to get bitten by mosquitoes. If I can I will do that on myself first. I hate mosquitoes. 😆

My daughter's items. I dont know what's in his brain that he consistently thinks that my daughter's items are like super valuable that needs to be protected. Somewhat delusional and coo coo that I will steal my daughter's things. From previously accusing me of stealing my daughter's gold ankle (which btw was bought by my mum to my daughter as a gift) to water bottles, clothes, swimsuit, socks, tablet etc. Asking him to pack and provide for my visitation seems like a super difficult thing. I often get question back with why? Oh. I need a swim suit so that I can bring her to play arcade and I need her water bottle so that I can swing and hit someone else with it. What a 🤡. But he really like to ask obvious questions. Doubting his IQ. Could be only at the standard of 3 yo. 

Visitation right. Joint custody. His main care and control but demanding me to have my daughter showered before I send her home during my visitation right? 😲 multiple times threatening me with my visitation rights when I dont comply with his demands. I have been nice to shower her whenever possible past 2 weeks. Definitely not my obligation to. I am nice and polite telling him Im out of my daughter's clothes. Requested him to provide a batch of clean set of clothes last week which he refuse and told me he will only provide this week. When i pick up my daughter today arrogantly told me he did not provide clothes today. Funny that he still expect that I would be able to shower her without any clean set of clothes. Possible due to years of experiences of cleaning up after all his shit. In his eyes, Im probably a doraemon. I have a toilet which is nice and clean with hot showers that I can conveniently pull out from my pocket and my daughter can be showered in whenever we are out. 

If Im a doraemon, I will probably make him an alone hidden island whereby he can use sand to build his own high rise atas castle, able to multiple himself, fight between the multiples to choose who is to be king to be able to control the rest of himself. 

Tired

Recently a bit tired. Like no mood do anything. I think I use up too much energy on our philippines trip. Lucky work is not very tedious. Managed to reconcile a few things. Audit FS also sign already. 

Since we came back from philippines didnt really meet up much. Last week I was too tired mentally. Had some argument over minor things so didnt meet. I met up my ex colleagues and go eat durian with my colleague. 

Good thing is when im mentally tired i was given space to chill and then we always connect back after. Same for him. Same level of understanding, same level of freedom, peace and space. Despite argument and quarrels, we nv mentally drain the other party. For this I very happy that we are very well aligned. 

RR got a lot of work recently. Whole day outside running repair. This week mon and tues we also didnt meet. 

Today he showed me a photo of a kambing soup. I say look very nice. Next time tabao for me. So he decided to arrange today went to tabao a michelin one for me to try. Came to my office and fetch me. We ate dinner at my house void deck. 

He say he was too busy for work. So today he had some time and energy. Tabao come over see me and treat me for dinner to make up for his busy schedule. ❤️

His colleagues didnt know he already tabao nasi lemak and got 1 for him. So he Got 2 sets. And I ate 1. I hate getting my hands oily and dirty. So he help me deattach the mid wing and hold my chicken wing for me without the need to ask. I say u can put down. I can use fork poke. He still prefer to hold and feed me. 

When a person cares, he will find time and make effort to see you happy and smiley no matter how busy. He will understand your habit and personally accommodate to them. 

Thank you

I came to a realisation that the loss of you may be the main reason for my sudden enlighten  to see the true colors of my previous marriage. The loss of you gave me clarity. It also shifted my perspective, opening my eyes to parts of my own life I am ignoring or tolerating.

The loss allows me to feel empathy. Allows me to feel self love and self compassion. Allows to listen to myself and my own feelings. Allows to me take a step back and stop rushing into forcing myself to reach goals. Allows me to reconsider my choice and to rethink if it is what I wanted. 

The loss of you opened my eyes to my own boundaries, needs, and the reality of my marriage. Although that awareness is painful, but it’s also a gift.

And so Im grateful and thank you. I hope you are at peace now with your mind and heart. I also hope we will meet once again as a family.

Chinese new year is coming. It is supposed to be a happy occasion but it becomes a less happy occasion now because of you. Every cny you will always be there. But Im glad that I can always picture you smiling and happy. Always winning during gambling and treating mcdonalds with your winnings. Im glad that whenever I picture you, it always happy, cheerful and positive. 

I hope you are happy, cheerful, smiley like how I picture you and I hope death have removed all your pains and worries. 

Grief

I think it has been almost 4 years since you passed. But the guilt doesnt seems to lesser as days pass by. 

I should have known better and I should have trust my instinct. These have been repeating in my mind every day since then. 

Ppl have been saying that you wouldnt have change anything. But I dont know that. Maybe it will if I have trusted my instinct. 

Because of this, my anxiety level is always high. I am always on high alert until I cant sleep at night. I am always on high alert and awareness to make sure that I do not miss any instinct points. 

I kept asking myself if I have a sign or if I miss a sign. 

I need to learn to chill. I need to learn to let go of the guilt and trust that you left with peace in your mind and heart. 

Whenever Im feeling anxious. Pause and notice my feelings: “I feel uneasy about this decision — why?”

Ask practical questions: “What facts do I have? What are my boundaries?”

Set a time limit: Decide after a short period of reflection, rather than endlessly ruminating.

I need to practice self trust and self compassion. 

I am safe in this moment. I dont have to have all the answers in the world. 

Bring awareness to a decision. Ask myself 

How do I feel about this choice in my body?

If there are tightness, tension, unease etc, that is your instincts. 

Ask myself how I feel. If i feel calm etc. No right/wrong. No self blame. 

Do not try to decide yet. Just observe.

Remind yourself: instincts are signals, not guarantees

Then ask myself. “What information/facts do I have?”

“What do I need to feel safe making this choice?”

“I am learning to notice my instincts without blaming myself.

I can handle what comes. I trust myself more each day.”

“I notice my instincts. I don’t have to be perfect. I can handle what comes.”

Self trust

 1. It’s normal to feel unsure after being hurt

When someone turns out differently than you expected — kind at first, then hurtful or unreliable later — your brain remembers that mismatch. It starts doubting your instincts.

But that doesn’t mean your judgment is bad. It means you trusted with the information you had, and the other person showed you only part of themselves at first.

People can hide, change, or act differently under pressure. That’s not your failure — it’s part of being human in relationships.

2. You can’t eliminate uncertainty — only manage it

There’s no way to guarantee you’ll never misjudge someone again. But you can create safety through how you approach trust:

Take your time before fully trusting.

Watch for consistency — not charm, words, or promises, but patterns of behavior over time.

Let trust grow in layers, rather than giving it all at once.

This way, if someone does disappoint you, it won’t destroy your sense of safety.

3. Check your fear without silencing it

Your fear is trying to protect you, but if it gets too loud, it can block connection. Instead of fighting it, talk to it:

“I know you’re trying to keep me safe. Let’s stay alert, but also open — we’ll watch and learn.”

That’s called wise trust — not naïve trust, not total avoidance, but a grounded middle.

4. Rebuild your confidence in reading people

This takes practice. Try small experiments:

Notice first impressions — and then keep observing. Were you right about that person’s energy or values?

Write down your gut feelings and check them later.

When you’re wrong, ask: What signs did I miss? When you’re right, acknowledge it.

This helps you calibrate your instincts instead of dismissing them completely.

5. Be gentle with yourself

Everyone misjudges people sometimes — even the most emotionally intelligent ones.

The goal isn’t to be perfect; it’s to be self-aware, open, and resilient when it happens.

You can say to yourself:

“I may misjudge someone again, but I can trust myself to notice, learn, and protect my boundaries next time.”

That’s real self-trust.

Travel trip philippines

Seems like ages since I last went on a beach holiday trip to relax. Due to RR going cebu for a business trip. I joined him. 

He covered my flight, hotel and some of the meals expenses. Went there for 12 days. Had super great time. We went jetski, parasailing, sea trekking, snorkelling with turtles, sardines, rays and sharks. Cant rmb when was the last time I have been so super charge by a beach trip.

We both agreed this trip is much more happening and exciting than our trip to bangkok. He said he will nv go explore all these activities if he is alone. Being with me give him an opportunity to do all of these. 

We came back today. I ask if he miss going home. He said yes. Cause there is a lot of work back in sg waiting for him and he miss his bed. Cant blame as the bed in cebu is really not up to standard. Not to mention the non sound proof walls. So damn noisy.

I said when we retire not working. We can travel 2 weeks overseas 2 weeks back at sg. He say he prefer to hop around the world. 1 month here and 1 month there. I said u dont miss home meh? He said what home? I say home back to sg. He said my home is with you. ❤️ If not cause of responsibility for work, he dont have to be back. 

I have been reflecting why is the trip so enjoyable?

1. We both have respect for each other private times and habits. He gyms i dont. He eat bf and I dont. We arrange hotel with gym and plan around the habits. We dont overstep, pressure to join or rush each other. We are both doing thing together and also alone at our own pace. This is also why my holiday is enjoyable with my best friends. Together but still Free. Except of those dangerous activities. 

2. We communicate and plan things together. We take each other opinions into consideration. He is not a person that can stay out in the sun for too long. So we arrange alternate day indoor and outdoor.

3. We look out for each other and remind each other on things to take note like rmb to bring camera, power bank etc. 

4. We help each other. Making use of our strengths while the other compensate for the weakness. Though most of the time he provides and directs. Since Im the more clumsy and forgetful one. He carried the luggages, planned, booked the transports, packs and unpacks the bags needed daily. I helped with the smaller task based on my strength and within my means. 😆 

5. Not everybody is perfect. Things dont always go our way and we make mistakes. But we dont harp on each other mistakes and we dont cry other spilled milk. We apologize when we need. Treat all as learning points. We let each other win during differing opinions. When things are off we just enjoy each other's company while waiting. 

The main purpose is we just enjoy our time being together and doing things together. Even if it is doing nothing. No fights, no quarrel, no arguments. Cant wait for my next beach trip. 

偏爱

人都喜欢被偏爱

偏爱是什么？

就是把对方放心上

设身处地为对方着想，为对方做事

比如

不想吃的东西会因为她想吃而尝试

没兴趣的事会为了有更多相处的时间而一起做

因为她累主动做好家务让她有更多休息的时间

知道她在为钱焦虑时包她伙食费用

知道她脚疼时按摩她的脚

知道她常脚疼买舒服的鞋，鞋垫和按摩机给她

知道她不爱运动买潜水能用的耳机激励她游泳

知道她想检测睡眠买个检测睡眠的表

观察并且记得她的喜好

下载她喜欢有怪物有动物的戏给她看

在对方很生气时尽量保持冷静

在情绪不受控制以前转移注意力

在吵架时先站在对方的立场和感受道歉和哄

然后再耐心沟通解决问题

在她想变健康时陪她吃简餐

把她所有的目标当作你们共同的目标

在你有能力的范围内支持她完成

把每天都活的开心变成共同目标

把身边只能是她当作共同目标

把一起共度余生当作共同目标

为一直长命在一起而保持自己身心健康愉悦

爱都在细节里

常常都有人说爱是藏在细节里的。这句话是真的。因为爱你的人会关心你，在乎你，观察你。每一秒都在看着你。看你爱吃什么，爱做什么，而在这些事情上尽量配合你。他会记得你的喜好记得你不开心的点和会生气的点。然后尽力不去犯而让你不开心或生气。舍不得看的你不开心或生气。而希望你每天都开开心心的。

他会在你生气或伤心的时候主动道歉哄你开心。带着歉意和真诚。跟着你的喜好走。等哄开心后想好过对策再去解释自己和解决方案让误会解开。久而久之自然的两个人就会越来越了解彼此。也越来越少的争吵。

感情是长期的。争吵只是一时的。要互相沟通理解，解决问题才能走的长久。当然也包含了彼此尊重对方的习惯，爱好，界限等等。尊重接受对方的生活方式，是各付各的责任不逃避不推卸。双方一起努力撑起一个家。而包容不是要你彼此忍让压抑情绪而是调整自己在对他的认知后给于的宽容。就是为了他而敞开一些对感情里不重要的观点。其实不是各退一步而是各走一步。在你的习惯和他的习惯里调整出两人都能舒适的生活方式。

真心爱的人是一点一点的往彼此走，一点一点去了解彼此。然后一点一点的付出守护珍惜两人之间的感情。

强求

 我不会强求任何人把我放在重要的位置上。可是当我一旦意识到我在你那没这么重要的时候，我也会把你的重要性降级。人与人就是这样我不能要求你，但我可以改变自己，我只在乎在乎我的人。

一个人放弃一段感情之前一定在寒风中站了很久。失望是一天天累积的，离开都是很长的决定。直到再也不能分享你的生活，再也不想关心他的喜怒哀乐，就是该说再见的时候。不是真的不爱了，只是关于他的一切，再也没有了任何期待。后来你终于不再逢人就掏出自己的心，开始计较起付出和回报是不是成正比。在意的人值不值得，几分真情换几分真心。好消息是你懂得爱自己。坏消息是你已经很难再去爱上一个人。

Lies

Honestly I dont know what to say to myself.

When you realize that everything that make you feel touched in the past just became a lie.

The moment the truth is out, your heart freeze for a moment. Before your brain can capture clearly what has been said. 

When people lie in your face just so easily. Is being honest something that cant be done anymore? Is being sincere in a relationship not what makes it long term? 

Im so disappointed. But Im not making rash decision. So taking time to register, thinking it through before making any decision. 

Because the decision Im going to be make will be final. And is moving forward never going backwards. Before I come to that, I have to understand what I wanted first. Whether is it something I feel important. 

I have this strong feeling that betrayal is coming. And I hope this feeling will not become truth. In any way, I just need to stay open minded. And be positive with my future. With whatever hits turn it to positivity and move on. 

Remember what are the goals you set for yourself is. 

Fulfil your duties

Earn for Happiness

The rest just let nature take it's course. Whether love remains or not leave it up to fate. Because one day the truth will surface. If it hasnt surface means the timing is not yet. If I cant prevent, I'll ignore and move on. 

What should matter is the present not the past. Whatever is in the past just let it go and whatever come forward dont need to be afraid because you know you are strong enough to fall and still get up. For one who dont fear your departure is not worth to be in your future.

Actions speak louder than words. Words can lie but actions will not

Heart freeze

I dont know how to describe it. But recently I can feel my heart freeze. It is like you are emotional but then there is no tears. You know there are a lot of emotions and it triggers pain but instead of feeling it all, you only can feel the numbness in your heart. 

Your heart wants to open the door to emotions but your brain refuse to open it. Is like opening up to a can of pain. All these emotions leading to pain that you choose to press them all down into a can and throw aside in order to move on forcefully. This heart freeze is like a mechanism of safety wall blocking all the nasty.

Because your brain overrides your heart. And you brain refuses to recall those memories that causes the pain. So your heart just freeze in place, numb and preventing the emotions from bursting out and your brain go blank preventing recalling. Daze and unoperating for a while before you manage to regain your ability to continue with life.

When I was young, I will keep my emotions down like pressure cooker and then one day I will release by crying out loud alone. I think I lost my ability to cry out loud. Been always hiding my cries and keeping it silent that now I realize it becomes a bit difficult for me to cry out loud as much as I want to. 

Not able to cry out loud is not a good thing as it makes my emotions pressured with no release. And time to time. These emotions are too full and some start slipping out and tears start falling uncontrollably and silently in any circumstances. Got to find that feeling back. Keeping to much emotions hidden is bad. 

Management style

Today had a review with my boss and my cfo. My boss explained about her rating after she discuss with the cfo. She ask me explain my own rating. I explained that I rate it based on my efforts and my focus on what I did for the year. She told me she understand but she mention sadly here doesnt recognize based on effort. 

I didnt say much because I know and I understand that rating is based on callibration. Is comparison with others in the company. Therefore, in comparison with others in the company and higher expectation I may not get the rating I want. I told her I rate myself is based on my own effort and how I rate myself doing for the year. I feel that despite the changes in the team both the accountant and I didnt let any project lapse. But I cant do comparison with how others have done because I wont know. Therefore, is up to the manager to decide about that after comparison. You cant have too many people doing too well. 

Talk to my cfo. She given me an explanation of why one of the higher management left. Actually Im quite happy that he left the company because I feel he is not as analytical to be in that role. He is being to operational and looking at too much details. I didnt told her this though. So she may have thought that I dont like him leaving. Hahaha. In actual I not on a good note with him.

 She also given me some feedback about management style. She mention that some ppl after becoming manager may think that in the company, subordinates should suit the manager's management style and not the manager suit the subordinates style. She said that is a common mistakes that manager have. Hmm sounds familiar because I mention about that to my boss. 

She also told me that as a manager ppl start to look at you. Will monitor you. So as a manager need to portray a flexible image to others. When we talk we need to be rounded. Less direct and more understanding. Listen to people. Observing and go with a suggestion or solution. How to resolve the prob. Dont make remarks too soon. I ask her about the collaboration between our team and BA is it the reason for the guy departure? She mention is one part but not the main. 

She told me how she look at me she feels I am her younger version of her. She used to be very direct etc and she hated a colleague of hers. But still became best friends. She say she "manipulate" and get things out of her. But she still hated her. I think she meant work besties. 😆 

I can understand what she mean. Everybody needs a different way of managing. If u keep challenging and opposing, u will not get what u needed or wanted to do. But if you know how to go with the flow and adjust, u can easily manipulate and control the situation to get what u needed and let ppl do the work for u. I can understand that given that I need to manage people from different country like philippines or vietnam. With their different culture. Saying this is also my way of informing her that I do have experience in managing people from difference country and culture. 

But for me is more of who is worth my effort. I also thought to myself we as a manager can also make a choice on who has better potential that we want to prioritize and put in more effort to help and grow. She mention speaking to subordinates is about 2 way communication which I agree. I told her when I speak to my subordinates I did present myself in that way. But if they still refuse to speak to me then what should I do? 

She say is about trust. If the person spoke to me but I rejected the idea etc. Or if the person make a mistake and I make it very big then it is hard for the person to trust me. I didnt say anything as I know trust takes time to build. For the AR role I knew the person that is not suited from the start. But I decided to give a chance as we needed help and I was force to choose. 

When she joined I gave the trust that she can do well. But was disappointed not on one occasion but a few occasions. My boss mention to me it reflected badly on my management skills. So I told myself this time I will not be pressured to choose one I feel not up to expectation. 

In opposed to what my manager mention, my cfo actually compliment me about my decisive decision to cut this AR due to incompetency and unsuitability. She told me that it actually only need to take a few weeks to see if the person is suitable. Looking more at long term and potential instead of short term. She supported me and agree with me that as a manager she trust that if I feel she is not suitable means she is not suitable. I appreciated that she has given me so much trust and confidence in me. 

Dealing with narcissist

 “Give ‘em an inch, and they’ll take a mile” is an expression almost perfectly suited to narcissists. So while it may at times be tempting to capitulate to their requests or demands (if only to get them off your back), don’t violate your ethical code simply to maintain a harmonious relationship with them

The way to “win” with narcissists is not to out-and-out triumph over them but to assertively preserve your integrity in dealing with them. Otherwise, in avoiding the so challenging task of standing up to them, you’ll just be defeating yourself.

Don’t permit narcissists to push your buttons. Again, this is no easy undertaking, for entitled individuals can easily try your patience and burrow deep beneath your skin (although, admittedly, their skin is likely a lot thinner than yours).

Don't Engage: Avoid arguing or trying to reason with the narcissist during a tantrum, as this can be futile. 

Practice Detachment: Try to view the tantrum as a performance and avoid taking it personally. 

Consider Time Limits: If the situation becomes overwhelming, try to set a time limit for the interaction or disengage entirely. 

Focus on Your Safety: If the tantrum becomes threatening, prioritize your physical safety and remove yourself from the situation if necessary. 

Possible benefits of having a narcissistic parent include:

Better awareness of personality disorders: Navigating life with a narcissistic parent will serve as education in the world of mental health and personality disorders. Your experience can help you identify and manage issues in your platonic, romantic, and professional relationships.

Ability to distinguish words from action: A narcissistic parent may promise to do one thing but do another. The incongruence can be jarring to a child, but understanding this inconsistency can encourage you to seek out stable and reliable people.

Increased thoughtfulness: Narcissistic and selfish parents want you to share their wants and values. When you shed this burden, you can spend more time thinking about what you truly want from life.

Improved sense of self: In a similar fashion, narcissistic parents may think they know you better than you know yourself. Without their influence, you can identify who you are.

Independence: Narcissism stems from a need for control. Once you find freedom from your parents, you will never submit to a similar situation again. The autonomy you discover will be compelling and rewarding.

安全感

安全感都在小细节里

走马路会牵着手让你走里面

走一条线让你走前面搭着肩紧跟着 

知道你常忘记都细心的帮你记着

什么要拿什么要注意都一直提醒着

喜欢和不喜欢的都会留意

尽量注意你的安全和各人情感需求

不开心时会给你时间分享投诉

然后再给与适当的回应

去哪里都会提前说

有突发状况也会通知

吵架时总是先道歉等冷静后再讨论解决方案

了解自己和对方懂得避嫌和避险

这是给于基本的安全感和信任

有安全感和信任自然就会有边界

懂得拿捏边界才能拥有健康的关系

Can time make you forget hatred?

No. Time will not make you forget hatred but it may reduce hatred. 

Emotions evolved for a reason. They are mental shortcuts that, in general, move us toward things that are good for us (e.g., caring relationships, pleasurable experiences) and away from things that are bad for us (e.g., mistreatment by others, rattlesnakes). In this sense, negative emotions such as anger, resentment, and hatred are not inherently bad. 

Indeed, they are often useful. If they were not, we would not have evolved to experience them! Hate can motivate us to avoid or defeat others who could threaten our well-being or that of our family or tribe.

If you keep reminding yourself of hatred towards a person, is your self defense way to avoid once again being hurt or threaten by this person or having yourself be in a situation that is similar. Evolution and natural selection are about the survival of the fittest, not loving our enemies.

Ppl often forsee hatred as a bad emotions or being upset, crying, angry as bad emotions. However, all these emotions are messages and communication to others and to self. If you often feel upset being around this person or angry being around this person, then it obvious this person has threatened ur mental wellbeing and the decision is to leave. And if you see no change in how the person react to your feelings then why care what the person thinks about you? There is no reciprocal feelings. Just tell yourself this person who doesnt cherish your existence. So just go along with your life. Either ignore or fight back to make yourself feel better. 

Today my daughter came to me with an upset face. I hug her and ask what happen? Who bully you? She say she saw a kor kor damaging plants and she went to say him. Explaining to this kor kor why plants are good and that he shouldnt pluck the plants damaging them. This kor kor obviously didnt want to listen to her and say nasty things to her. While she say, tears fall from her face. 

I told her to ignore him and his words. Distract her and ask her to go find her milo. She walk over to find her milo, distracted by the kor kor and come back again with an upset face. Kor kor keep telling her plants are useless etc etc. I told my daughter. Come let's go together and take ur milo. My daughter refuse to move seeing the kor kor still there. 

I can see kor kor pointing fingers towards my direction and saying things to his dad. His dad just say let's go home. Keep ushering his son to go home. Trying to avoid conflicts. I went to find my daughter milo and returned back. I told my daughter this. You know plants are good and that's enough. You dont need ppl to agree with you. If kor kor thinks plants are not good then not good lo. If kor kor keep damaging the plants he will one day be scolded or caught by police. And if you dont like his actions, either you leave and refuse to play with him tell him you damage plants and i dont want play with you or you just say him back if you cant ignore. 

She say kor kor challenge him what plants are good for? She say plants are food. Kor kor say These plants cannot eat. Plants are useless so he can damage plant. She obviously cant challenge back. 

I told her mummy teach you. These plants may not be eaten but plants give oxygen. And unless kor kor can dont breathe he will need these plant. Tell kor kor not to breath and not to eat veg lo if he is so smart. 

Why you need to cry and be scare of kor kor? Kor kor naughty by damaging the plants not you damage the plants. If he dont want to listen also got nth to do with you. He stupid and naughty eventually someone will teach him a harsh lesson. U not naughty can already. Kor kor nv learn before plants are good. You smart and you know you learn before. U tell him and he dont care then ignore lo. U know is enough right? 

After talking about all this, she seems to have enlighten and say ya. Kor kor stupid and started to repeat what I say. 

Moral of the story, if you cant fight a battle that's because your experience and knowledge is not enough. When your experience and knowledge is enough, you would have realize what you thought is your opponent isnt even at the same level to be your opponent. Not enough to worth your time and effort. Because you learned. If you care but the person doesnt then just withdraw and avoid trying to make a connection with this person. There is no need to force yourself in order to blend in with others. 

If you can find someone on same level to grow together that's bonus. If you cant, you are also strong on your own. When you start being stronger, your options start to be wider. Even if you want to use what you learned to offer guidance to help someone, make sure the person is worthy of ur help. A person who refuse to grow isnt worth ur time, effort or emotions. Instead of being the picked person, grow yourself to be the picker. 

Today I cry again

Today I cry again and why did I cry again?

Because of a topic about my grandfather. My impression of my grandfather was bad. My mum told me he chase my grandmother out of the house with a knife causing my grandmother having to stay at her children's house interchangeably. She was without a place to call home at the age of 50s or 60s. My grandfather has a xiao san and my grandfather stayed with that xiao san. 

My bf told me no matter what, I have to thank my grandfather cause after his death, my grandmother has a place to stay. My heart was boiling with anger and I was reminded on how my grandfather came back for my grandmother only because he got cancer and his xiao san left him. My grandmother was kind and took care of him before he passed. 

Despite my grandfather being bad to her, she was devasted when he passed. First time I ever saw my grandmother cried. And is not just cried. She was sobbing and whenever people ask her about my grandfather at that time she would say my grandfather passed at peace. I can see her trying to hold back her tears. But it always fall uncontrollably and silently while she talked on the phone. 

From then on, I only know one thing, my grandfather has died causing misery to my grandmother and I will nv forgive him for it. He has not repented neither did he ever make up to her before he passed and he owed it to my grandmother in this life. I may not believe in afterlife but everytime I pray to him, dont care whether he heard a not. I make sure he know my hatred towards him and I always tell him that he has to protect my grandmother because he owed it to her. 

Dont tell me life is better because of those nasty people that appear in our life. They make us grow etc. That is bullshit. Growing up is a choice and a learning process. Without them I will still grow and learn and life will still be perfect because I am who I am. 

And I do not like to let things like this pass. Because is a reminder of how and why we shouldnt be kind towards ppl who are nasty and we shouldnt spoil ppl who take us for granted without appreciation and contentment. Love is not supposed to be given with condition but to be given generously. And is people like them who make society lost the meaning of what love is and how love is supposed to be.

Bonding day

Today attend my cousin's wedding. A good occasion to bond and my girl can play with her cousins. 

She chose a very long tail princess dress to attend the wedding with her princess shoes.

And she ask me. Mummy whose wedding is it? I say is yiyi's wedding. She ask me why is it yiyi's wedding not mine? I ask her back. U got hub meh? Where's your hub? 😆 

She ask if she can have a wedding? I told her when u grow up find someone you love and to start a family then u can have a wedding too. She ask me if wedding is a big party? I say yes. It is. 

Told her we going take car to the wedding. She ask me is it wedding car? 🤣🤣🤣

I told her wedding car not for u de. For yiyi cause is yiyi's wedding. She say she wanted to see the wedding car. See what color. 

Given her character maybe she will find a bf pretty early too. 

She say she like winning dont like losing. Win can get trophy. Hahaha. One day she will know trophy isnt the only thing you get when you win. Also when you lose u can get thing too. 

Today taught her something. She drop her toy into the drain. Then she was unhappy wanted me to help her take. I say drain cover very heavy. She ask me try. I knew as she is stubborn she wont listen no matter what. So i told her ok let's try. Tried to open the drain cover. 

Though I manage to pick up her toy. I ended up injure myself with the cover. She felt a bit guilty told me i wanted to help u but u dont let me help. I said I told u the drain cover is heavy. If you make it, now injured one will be you and it may be worse. Then she kept quiet told me let's go home wash and help u put plaster. I say ok.

I told her I cant carry the bag anymore cause my finger injured. Can you carry? She did it willingly and keep telling me dont worry im strong i can carry even if one finger and demo to me. 

At home I ask her what do you do next time if you drop ur toy? She said buy a new one. Now she realize nth is more important than risking yourself and being injured.

After that I told her. As mummy is injured because of you, u have to help me fold clothes. She was relunctant at first but still did it. She told me Im just a kid. Fold clothes when you grow up also need to do. And so she did it. 

Independence is the best guidance you can give to your kids. Building her strong at heart. 

Evening go home in the car the driver did an e brake. Luckily she was wearing seatbelt. I took the chance to emphasise importance if seatbelt. She say aunty will hug me. I say she dont do it every time. She told me said daddy say dont need. I say you want to fall off and injured? 

Next time need to guide her doesnt matter what others say to u. If u feel us important then u should do what u need to do. Even if the person scold u or criticise u for it. End of the day life is yours not others and they cant live it for u if u will injured, in pain etc.

Time budgeting

Mother's day my daughter give me a bouquet of flowers make of paper. And a sunflower make of clay. Told me happy Mother's day. I love you mummy. 😍 

Had a good mother daughter bonding day. I ask her. U want to be like daddy or like uncle? She thought for a while and say I want to be like mummy. So sweet. 

Mummy will be the best role model for you. ❤️

Being a mother is good provided having money to have someone taking care full time on minor things, housework, cooking etc while you rest to have more time and energy for bonding activities. 

It is not easy needing to work for money, build social relationship plus finding time and energy to bond with your kids. Especially when time is limited. Nevertheless there is no such thing as no time or energy to spend with your kids and family. Learning to manage time and manage mindset is important so that you spend enough time to build memories and at the same time dont burnout. 

Having kids is giving love and love to me is willingness to spend time together. 

Money is unlimited. As long as you work you can have money. But time is limited for everyone. Choose to spend your time wisely on your own wellbeing as well as ppl that you love. 

We always talk about budgeting money. How about budgeting time? How much time are you willing to spend going out with your parents or visiting them? How about friends, relatives, grandparents etc etc? There are too many ppl that need your time. 

1/3 of our time of our lives are spend sleeping and resting. Another 1/3 are spend working. You only left with the remaining 1/3 to spend with your love ones before you leave this world. Are you going to spend that remaining 1/3 addicted to gambling, games or drugs or are you going to make full use of them to do things meaningful. 

Every year when you build your goals, instead of always making financial goals, set goals for time management. How much time to spend travelling, how much time to spend on self care and health, how much time to spend for family and friends, how much time on hobbies etc etc?

End of your life what's important is how much time are you happy during this lifetime and what you learn?

Lastly happy parents' day because usually I dont rmb when father's day is. 😆

Vexed

Feeling vexed recently. Mostly because of work. Just need to cool myself down against pressure. Especially remarks from above management. Is time to put a stop and ignore if possible. Sometimes I ask myself why do I need to care. Everything talk with result. If I can handle then why bother. Need is both ways anyway. I need the job and money that why im there. They need me that why Im still there. 😆 

Also because of the busy schedule and recent drama I totally neglected about my court case tomorrow which is a good thing. Make me just cant be bothered with the case result tomorrow. Money and happiness is more important now. As long as some idiot dont come and waste my time. Furthermore, hopefully he knows to stay in line and dont bother me after this. But i know also that stupid ppl likes to challenge until they regret when they get the karma. No matter how long it takes as long as it interfere with my happiness, i will just keep the case going. 

Sometimes growing up being too independent has it's flaws. Because you knew you cant depend on anyone other than yourself. And this cognition cost more pressure than any other thing. I hate having debts. And debts seems to be inevitable staying in sg. Either drop the lifestyle or fall into debt. This tough decision keeps repeating in life. Ppl thinks that you are sacrificing time for money. But in actual u are sacrificing freedom and lifestyle for money. And then again u need money for freedom and lifestyle. So contradicting. 

Without money u cant decide to leave or stay, because u need to stay for the money. Without money u cannot decide the lifestyle that u want. But u need to sacrifice certain lifestyle for money. Thinking too way ahead has it's flaw which is why they say dont focus too much on big win. Focus on small win and eventually u will get the big win. 

Small win are reducing stress, staying happy, sleeping well, eating well and being healthy. For now I dont want get myself too stress over relationships. Worrying too much about how to manage relationships make me even more stress to do any other important goals. So I need to stop worrying about any sort of relationships. Be it work, partner or parents. 

Every relationship must have trust and the thing about trust is, it is the hardest to maintain based on my experience. Why do I say maintain instead of give? If a person dont trust u, u dont even have an opportunity to be talking or be even beside that person. To work together, to be friends, to love etc all requires trust first. Why do u select this person? Because u trust and see their capability. However ppl dont feel that way. 

Ppl dont appreciate when u trust them and when they neglected or misuse it, u make the decision to take the trust back. After u take it back then they start complaining how u dont trust them. Sometimes when u feel a person dont trust u, ask yourself what did u do to lose that person's trust. Dont ask the person why you dont trust me. Because every relationship started with trust. U have their trust once but what did u do with that trust to eventually lose it? 

Hectic

Life has been hectic these few months. 2 of the team left the company and remaining ones have to back up and work longer to keep the operations going.

Lucky for me my bosses appreciate my hard work and promoted me. The accountant in the team was not very detail oriented and careless. But at least most of the time still dependable and helpful. 

When new members onboard, hopefully everything can be settled and become stable. 

Relationship is also stable. We hardly have big argument etc. We manage to understand each other. Communicate better and accommodate to each other better, providing more emotional support to each other. Also Spend quality time together with my daughter as well. 

The only problematic thing now is the annoying ex who likes to always make things difficult. Non stop threatening my access rights. Acting out whenever there is disagreement. Hopefully I can get the ppo approve as I nv want to talk to him again. Dont need to argue with him etc and have quality peaceful happy times with my daughter. 

Though due to the court case, bad memories keep coming back to me and having even more sleepless night. Immunity drop and gotten sick. But also cause of sick and medicine allows me to sleep through for 2 full days. All these are temporary and will definitely settle with time and with support from my love 💓 

My daughter is also getting more and more grown up as time past. She know how to appreciate and cherish things now. Saying sweet things to me. Saying thank you, sorry, i love you etc. Her temper has also tone down a lot. She will tell me she dont want to cry and be angry or throw temper at me. 

Now that she is better at regulating her emotions, I also started guiding her chinese and working on education. Though minimal but I think is best she pick up more chinese. Will also continue to focus more on providing more learning experiences hands on, moral values, ethics and manners etc.  

Recently she has requested to stay overnight at my residence. Which I told her that her dad dont allow. I ask her to go and nego with her dad for it if she really wants it. She use to say once before. I fight hard for it in the past but when i took an opportunity to bring her over for the stay. She didnt want to stay with me. So now I feel if she really wants to then she can fight for it on her own. 

Finances has also been building up, preparing to buy a house 2 years later when im of age. Hopefully i don't need to be in debt for too long. Continuing to build my retirement fund so that i can have an early retirement. 

Emergency

Today my mum called me. Say she need my help. Help to bring things to hospital for her. Usually I will be very angry at her for asking me to do things for her. However, this time I was calm. 

I dont like most of the time how she talk things without head or tail. This time I ask her what happen and what she need. She didnt get angry also. She was telling me symptoms she had yesterday. How she went into the hospital. Based on the symptoms I do agree is urgent case and she is being serious. I say I got plans today. At most I go down later. She said ok no rush. 

For the 1st time we didnt argue or fight. Is been some time since she ask me for something. And this time she wasnt pushy or controlling. She was considerate which Im happy about. Finnaly she learned. Told Jerry about needing to go down to the hospital. Change of our plans. He was also calm and accomodating. Changing his plans to accommodate. Going back to drive his car instead. Saying it was easier that way. 

In my heart, I think my wound healed a little from the past. Remembering how my ex would have complained about change of plans and how I would have complained about my mum. Things have changed. I do agree last time my mum love to over depend on me which makes me annoyed. I hate to have my plans change because of anyone even if it is my mum. Nowadays she is really more independent which really make me feel less pressured and more relax. 

Furthermore, I am more tolerant to change of plans as long as it is important. Time spend is more important to me and doing what is needed. Being angry doesnt change any fact. Also time past and my mum is now 60 yo. Not young and also not old. 

Also this time I was really concerned whether she got stroke etc. She is at the age where ppl gets all sort of illnesses and problems. Though I never worried much about her health as she is healthy all along. I believe she is fine too. My only concern is what will happen if she really get stroke at still considered a young age. She had this hyperventilation issue years ago which she is afraid she got stroke added to my concern. This could be one time off but also would be a start of a real stroke. 

But that time she was being over attention seeking which makes me feel troublesome. So everytime when she say she need something i get really annoyed. Over needy and over dependent plus all the guilt tripping etc just makes me want to get out. However she changed. Less needy less dependent over the years which make me happier. 

Now the thought of her being a burden for me again makes me feel pressured. After all I tried to save my money to survive and give myself a better life. And then is like history repeating itself again. For 1 im afraid how history will repeat and her guilt trip start all over again, making me in a dilemma state. Then I think about how I should have some budget to be use for my mum just in case. 

I do not know how much she has. But im less worried when she has bought insurance. Although i not sure how much can insurance cover. I just thought, even if she is fine now. I still need a future plan for her. Despite trying to avoid that since the start I plan my life, it seems kind of inevitable. I have to start putting her into my saving plans. 

Best is she dont touch the plans and mostly try to depend on herself. Work as long till she can is the best. As I always told her. Dont depend on me for retirement. Like the way she did to me when I was young, I did the same. To be heartless so she learn to be less a burden and dependent to other. 人都是只能靠自己. 靠人人会跑，靠山山回到，靠自己最好. 每个人都有自己的命不要整天妄想着靠儿女养老. 儿女不是投资

情绪控制

时不时回忆还是会再次浮现

有时候真的很想失意

把曾经的快乐都忘得一干二净

这种感觉在第一次曾经也有过

但很久没有再出现过了

当之前的快乐全变成了现在痛苦的回忆

在这一段的人生会觉得我整个人生好像只有痛苦

这一刻我终于明白为什么有些人不希望拥有不死之身

当让你快乐的人离开后，那些回忆都会变成痛苦的记忆

这些记忆只会一直跟着你

在那一刻情绪涌上心头就会很痛苦

记忆虽然不会忘但情绪是可以全忘掉的

我不知道当初我是到底怎么放掉第一次

我现在已经不记得那时候的痛苦了

我只知道我在那次痛苦过而学到了什么

痛苦消失了，经历学到了

那时觉得特别重要的已经不再重要

我最喜欢自己的一点

就是一旦下定决心我就不可能再回头

因为只要一直制造美好新的回忆

不回头就是对自己的好

没有人可以改变过去

但绝对可以主宰自己的未来

旧的会被冲淡的而细节都记不起来了

也许当我老后这些回忆又会变成我笑自己的愚蠢

只要明白这一件事就是生活是为了快乐和幸福

在你达到目标以前其他都不重要

所以目标明确后

其他让你痛苦的扯后腿的都要及时残除就对了

解决不了的人就直接远离忘掉

没有人可以让你不高兴除了自己

做你自己的光

让你自己快乐或幸福的权利只有自己

只有自己看淡才能让自己活的幸福

Feigning ignorance

Sometimes I dont know if it stupid or feigning ignorance. I feel that is more like cannot be bothered and bo xin

Say so many times ask so many times still act bodoh. Lots of excuses no valid solution. Only know how to avoid. Emotional and feelings also cannot catch. Dont know got what use. Totally cannot connect. 

心情不好

最近心情好像不是很好

不知道是不是睡不够

有点想自己放假自己玩

找个海边躺平一星期好像不错

现在找人一起玩好像挺难的

又担心需要互相忍让反而更累

不用忍让了解你的朋友又没什么时间

这个年纪没小的顾就是有老的顾

我呢？庆幸自己小的和老的都不用我顾太多

感觉上我们都被时间绑着

怕花不够时间在爱的人身上

又担心自己有能力方位内给不够

常常在给时忽略自己

有时安排时间真的不简单

时间和钱都有限

花太多时间在别人身上

会感觉时间都不够自己用

钱也是至少钱能赚只是赚多赚少

但时间不一样也赚不了所以被时间绑着了

现在想想其实看开点就不会被时间绑着

重点是有陪伴就是记忆和回忆

不是去哪里的问题也不是开不开心的问题

不管是开心还是不开心都是好的

开心的拿来怀念不开心还是回忆当做体验和学习

去哪里都是回忆就算在新加坡也是

真的要多想想自己

就算有孩子也是

不然孩子会觉得亏欠你而遭成压力

陪伴也不在于花多长多短的时间

只要有陪伴就是好的

因为就算人不在了回忆也还在

会庆幸我有陪伴过没留遗憾就足够了

所以每一天只要过的了良心

关心人就关心不生闷气更不口是心非

不做或说会后悔的事就行

人是人都会放错

学习不再犯就好学习改进做更好有进步就行

如果能一直做的最好就不是人而是神

所以不要给自己太多压力

不要给自己太多的要求也不强求别人

今年我要做的事

第一开心的对自己好

第二礼尚往来的对待真诚有心人

第三礼貌与尊重的对待平人

第四不理睬平静的对待诋人

第五不受委屈和远离的对待恶人

Cant sleep

Cant sleep again today. Dont know why. I only morning drank a cup of tea. Just now felt tired keep yawning. But after suddenly so awake. Keep thinking about work. All the role and responsibility is so annoying. 

No clear role and responsibility. On top of that management is so relax and not strict. Decision drag so long to make. Operations cant proceed properly makes me on edge. Dont know why I care so much for. Not like the company is mine. But just annoyed having things left undone. Especially when is decisions i cant control but affect my work. 

Anyway as long as got money can liao lo. Sometimes I feel why let myself bother myself. 😆 Dont need to be everything perfect. If ppl drag just let it drag. Every single day pass doing nth is also money. So why so harsh on myself. Sometimes caring too much also is a problem. Need to stop myself from caring and thinking too much about others. Focus more for myself. 

都怪我太贪心

天慢慢长心突然凉

有些事越想越伤

锁上了门关上了灯

越想你心就越疼

眼哭肿了泪流干了

你的态度太明显

是我太笨也拎不清

其实我没那种命

都怪我太天真太贪心

想和你有结局 没看清自己

都怪我放不下不甘心

动了情不死心还不肯放弃

最后我被辜负被欺骗

伤了心丢了面还没有清醒

才明白他根本不在乎

拼了命留不住我无能为力

怪我太贪心

Analyzing

Cant sleep today due to drinking coffee too late. 

Had a good time today spending time with my cousins. Even though I was working we still enjoyed together going to cat cafe, playing board games eat dessert, hotpot etc. 

Cant sleep so I started analyzing about work. Going to have a 1-1 meeting with my cfo. Last year I only talk about personal stuff cause I am still new. This year I wanted to talk more about work related. I realize my cfo wasnt the one interview me. So I think she doesnt know much about me. So thinking I could share about work experience first. Then ask about her feedback

Most of the time feedback is from my boss. I am not very sure how the communication is done in between. So it is best to reduce expectation gap. Also to feedback what I have about the company. Lack of clear roles and responsibility. Lack of accountability and individual department data accuracy. Lack of scope definition between accounting and analysis team. Always taichi around. 

Then is analyzing relationship. Communication break down has always been an annoying issue. Is never about the small gritty things that are annoying. Is always thing way beyond that that people dont think and ask themselves. Self reflect about what we are saying and talking. Why are we angry at certain things,  how do we prevent from being angry about it? 

Most of the time anger comes from unappreciation. But whenever we speak, it always started out from complain instead of saying what we actually need. We are use to complaining without understanding the cause of those complain. Why do we complain? Why are we angry? Is it really because of the person is late or because of unappreciation? 

I used to be angry whenever my friends are late. Even if she make me wait 5 min. This is due to my mum. Easily angered whenever I am late. Whole day she will be nagging and angry and causes the entire mood for that day to be gone. I hated that. I rmb having this enlightenment sometime back when I ask Dor if principles are important? This enlightenment also comes from my cousin's suicide which I feel I didnt spend enough time connecting with him before he passed. 

Because of that I actually learn to cherish time more with ppl around me. I rmb being angry at dor always when she uses her phone when with me or uses her laptop or continue to work when with me. Now I no longer get angry with that. Because I appreciate her spending time. As we grow older we really have more responsibility and time run short each sec. If she is setting time aside to spend time with you shows your importance and that is what matters. 

Sometimes it is important to prioritize things in life. Like time, money, principles etc. Nitty gritty things dont matter when you die. Of course we choose the person we want to spend time with. Happy optimistic ppl and we always have to self reflect on ourselves. We want to be with happy optimistic ppl, others will also only want to spend time with u if you are happy and optimistic. The less we complains about each other and the less despise about each other, the less arguement and quarrels there are, the more care, concern, happiness and optimistic we get.  

Growing together is easier said than done. Because we have to keep influencing, helping, understanding and encouraging each other. Is keeping arguments less competitive between each other, nv giving up communication even when it is hard, prioritizing if your anger is important compared to your goals and more collaboration, tolerance and patience to help keep emotions stable in order to have more effective communication. 

Timing holds a very critical role in effective communication. Because when a person is angry, upset etc, emotions are uptight. It means it is not a good time to do explanation or complaints. Is always a good time to just listen, give in and agree. When the person is more calm then can restart discussion about complaints and explanation. Follow by needs and solutions. 

It is easy for us to influence by bad emotions and bad mood and is harder to stay calm and stable when bad emotions and bad mood surface. Happy mood on the other hand is not that easier to be influence and have to start with self hypnosis and self mindset adjustment. Happiness comes from self which you cant expect it from others. But you can always avoid giving ppl bad emotions and bad moods. You cant control others but you can always change own mindset and control self.

Emotional stable is never about how you can dont get angry, upset etc at people. Because we are all human and human have emotions. It is a part of us and in our genes and dna. Every living things has emotions. Emotional stable is when we are intelligent and we know how to manage these emotions and not make rash decisions with these emotions. Is about reducing time being controlled by these emotions and knowing how to calm down quickly with a clear mind to analyze and resolves issues. 

Like the saying goes, no point crying over spilled milk. No point keep harping on something that has already happen. Instead of complaining and controlling what others did, think what can be done because you can only control yourself. 

Peace

No cries and no tears anymore

I have already been in peace with the outcome. 

Prepared myself for it for the past few months 

Because I know. Perfunctory dont last. Only sincerity does. Words dont last until actions can prove that it last. Actions works both ways to prove sincerity or insincerity. 

Once Actions prove insincerity first, prove it twice. Only with determination and perseverance can it be stopped the third time to prove as a fact. And when insincerity becomes a fact, trust and faith is broken. Restoring trust and faith is almost impossible. 

Ppl with that kind of determination and perseverance to break the cycle is motivation. I know even for myself I dont have that kind of determination and perseverance. My determination and perseverance worked only when I see consistent and constant sincerity. If I see consistent insincerity, then my decision just becomes more vivid. Words are nth without actions. So actions prove it all. Good or bad. 

Talking and saying is also an action. When words does not equal to actions is perfunctory. Perfunctory is insincere and disrespectful. And perfunctory is a lie as it causes more harm to a relationship than good. It can create false happiness temporarily. In the long run this false happiness will crumble. Because time will prove truth. 

Some things can tolerate then tolerate dont even need to say. As an adult eq is very important. When to say the right thing. It is a knowledge and skill to learn. When you say things at the wrong time, you dont get things you wanted and you cause more hurt, conflict and tension in a relationship. And when consequences comes we cant blame anyone else but ourselves. Words cant be withdrawn and only thing that can be done after hurting someone is to try the best to make amend. 

If a person cant even make amend for his/her own mistake then the person is simply just irresponsible. My goal of keeping myself calm and peace is to stay away from irresponsible person. Who can blame entire world except for themselves. 

Bad memories

Thinking about bad memories again. From current and from past relationship. I dont know what I doing once again. It feels like another mistake waiting to happen. 

I feel like I no longer have faith in having a relationship. People tell me time will pass and years down the road you will not feel the same. But I know myself better. When my heart align with my brain and decide to give up on something usually I dont turn back and I nv regret. My decision will not change. But if my brain cant align with my heart, my heart just gets shut down and my brain move on to reach my end goals.

In my life there is no second chances to my heart. Once an irreversible mistake has been made it is almost impossible to change. My brain gave a person second chance the last time and I got myself years of regret. Can forgive but I can nv forget. Sometimes Im annoyed why I can rmb bad memories in so much details but I cant rmb the good. 

This second chance that my brain is giving is a gamble once again. And I prefer being risk adverse. But if I dont take this risk, I cant reach my goal. People usually say follow your heart. My heart in this case is asking me to leave. Because my heart is disappointed. My heart didnt want to find anymore. My brain is telling my heart to stay because my brain know my heart still yearn for a companion and my brain is lazy to find another. 

But every now and then my heart will just feel pain and hurting. And when it does, it is always full of of pain and then it just pain till it shut off and feel nth. I feel like my heart just wanted to to remain painful sometimes and be a constant reminder to my brain every once in a while. My heart is punishing with my brain for not listening to it everytime. 

My brain on the other hand is forcing my heart to heal now immediately and move on. My brain is so stubborn and keep insisting even if u feel it will not chamge the result. But my heart feels otherwise. My brain knows what I want as my end goal and is pushing for that result. My brain doesnt want me to give up and is willing to sacrifice what I need including my feelings to get there. 

I make that mistake listening to my brain previously. Focusing too much on my goal and neglecting my own feelings and by the time I realize it cause so much damage to my heart to believe and trust and repair back. Im not sure how much more damage my heart can take before it breaks down feeling for anything. Heart can't align with brain, brain dont listen,  heart shuts down, causing emotions to keep piling and when brain got overwhelming,  forces heart to open. All emotions starts flooding in, crushing and making damage. Then heart start finding, while building walls higher to maintain the undamaged and repair. When heart becomes disappointed, heart give up, brain refuse. Both cant align again and the cycle starts

Heart use to have empathy, kindness and care. Now it just has more hatred, anger and frustration. I can already feel that wall building even higher than previous. My brain is forcing it down so that my end goal can happen. My heart can feel happiness being in a relationship but it didnt have enough faith that it is going to be enough to heal instead it will just cause it to shut down totally. 

Looking back I realize what has cause my heart to open up and feel emotions and needs again. My daughter. Having my daughter make me feels emotions once again. She make me feel love once again which is why I can focus on my needs and feelings and move on for myself. She make me feel happy and she make me feel freedom once again. Because love doesnt need to be restricted. And with my tattoo as a reminder. I hope I don't neglect that part of my needs of my heart ever again.  

累

我累了

你喜欢作，喜欢沉默

那你就作死你自己

我不奉陪

我不想消耗我自己的平静来顾多一个小孩，还得不到同等的回报

等你哪天决定长大，决定付出，我只能说，不好意思我已不在

时间不为谁停留，在我给你机会请珍惜

在我一直尝试沟通时，请放下你的面子和固执跟我沟通

要是你为了幼稚的面子和固执放弃沟通，那就不怪我选择放弃停留

在我原意尝试时，我希望得来相同愿意尝试的付出

我没耐心更不愿等个选择封闭不付出不尝试的人

Story

Today one of my colleague share about her life story. Can understand how she become so strong at heart. I agree with her completely. Emotional torture are the hardest to recover from and what she went through is really unjust. But she is still very optimistic. 

All the divorce, the debt give by her ex, the abuse given etc are all lessons to be learn. Is also a contentment to me. Because there are always ppl who been through worse. She fight for herself independently. Supported herself independently. The ppl she met cause her mistrust with other ppl. Is hard to find someone sincere with the current society. So let fate decides. 

Sit around and watch show from a wider view. Experiences make you stronger each time. Makes you more independent. Being kind to a unworthy person is being cruel to yourself. So moral of story stay happy and do what you want to. Accommodating and sacrifice always comes with a price. Make sure when you decide to willingly take that risk, u can face that consequence positively. 

Dont cause emotional stress to yourself. Take negativity with a pinch of salt. Of course not immediately let go but give time to relieve and think through. She say psychology helps which I agree. It helps to understand yourself better to make a "well informed decision". Also learned that from my ex boss.