Back to Sg

Life is back to the usual working life. Mon-fri work. Found a job quite fast. Didnt have much choices due to fixed expenses. But at the least is something i enjoy doing. I always feel so happy being able to work in something I enjoy and a job that is enough to support the lifestyle i want also. 

Budgeted my salary now. Having a goal to work forward always makes me motivated. Life gets meaningless when you dont have goals. For my entire life, is good that I always have a goal to work on. After I have my daughter, I was depressed. Somehow I lost motivation and lost my priorities. And now Im back and happy. 

Nv lose what is important to you end of the day no matter which life cycle you are at. Apart from the usual life cycle, there are a lot of things to see. Family shouldnt be what tie you now and it will nv will. People who love you will understand that and support you. Freedom should nv be compromised while you are with ppl who love you. Im happy I found ppl who love me and supported me. Doesnt restrict me and discourage me. 

Ppl who make me happier and ppl who make me willing to stay. 

Europe Week 6

Last week of the trip and I will be back to Singapore. Haven go back to sg and Im already miss travelling. 😔 

Enjoying my last week at the beach barcelona. At the least transport here is still acceptable. Staying just 5 min walk to the beach. First few days was super hot. Like crazy and the room has no wind coming in because is facing inwards. Last few days was super cold as it was raining. Enjoy my days here. Go to the beach almost everyday. See jellyfish clear sea. 

You can be naked on the beach. So you will see ppl without top. Barcelona is a good place to relax. The house by the beach also look very nice. 

Still no beach so far can match the one at fiji. Nice corals, blue sea. Lots of sea animals to see. When I retire that is one of the place I would like to retire in. 

If money isnt an issue is really good to travel around. Go back sg to visit friends and relatives and then travel again when ready. That will be part of my goal. 

Financial freedom

Europe Week 5

Europe week 5 is at paris. Transportation is terrible but enjoyed my day at disneyland. Was super shock with the pricing of disneyland. SGD 150 entrance fee. But since im here in Paris must as well go. That's like my main purpose of my entire europe trip anyway. 

Took a few roller coaster rides. Which is super fun and thrilling. 360 degree. As it is disneyland so the thriller rides are limited. Only 2 of them are fun. The rest are like mostly kids ride. Also they are celebrating 30 years anniversary and the timing I went was perfect as they are having 40% off for the 30th years merchandise. 

Went to effiel tower saw this elevator to go up to the top. Wanted to go then I realize I forgot bring my portable charger. Even if I go up also cant take pictures. Plus I have to rush back before phone die as the transportation is unreliable. So got to scrape off the idea to go up. Anyway been there is already good enough. If I happen to be there again, I will take the elevator then. 

Among all the places I been to, Paris is the only one that make me miss going back to Singapore. The transport is the main factor. Unreliable train and buses. Google map shows bus will reach my destination. Halfway through, driver will tell u, this is end destination. No explanation, not even informing u where to take the next bus etc. Even the local got to keep asking around. 

Also due to train stop working as and when, I got caught up in almost a riot fight. Luckily nth happen. Just some police there to stop and prevent fights from breaking out. Ppl are squeezing and pushing one another in other to go up the bus. Even when the bus door arent open, they stick and hold on to the moving buses like magnets. Is scary even for the bus drivers to avoid accidents. Drivers will flash the torch requesting them to keep distance.

Ppl are screaming and shouting and some ppl started running away. I was also thinking if I need to run. Cant I cant see the front, was pondering if there is a gun or something due to the scream. Luckily nth happened.

Overall I still manage to go back to my airbnb safely. Notice ppl started boarding bus and those who board the buses are either woman or with kids, make my way into the sight of the police and they usher me up the bus safely. They give priority to woman, families and elderly. Lucky im born a woman then. Overall still took me 5 hours from disneyland back to airbnb which only need 45min if you drive. Cant imagine what will happen if I didnt get to board the bus.

Everytime i went out early and go back early in order to avoid stranded outside. But things always happen like unknown change of bus route, no buses, train stop etc on a daily basis. So got to preplan at least 1-2 hours more to reach destination or use transport 11 if possible. 😆 

Recommendation is to stay within 1-3 zone. Best within zone 1. Further you are from the city zone, more ex the transport is and more inconvenient when buses or trains stop working. Within zone 1 at the least u can walk. Either that or stay near disneyland if that is your main purpose. 

Everyday I worry about transport that I didnt ate much during my trip there. Mostly I tabao homecook food. If i stranded, at least got food to eat and drinks. Hahaha. Not joking cause u can be stranded anywhere in weird neighbourhood where there is nth in sight especially if u took bus. Some stations there are staff telling u where to go, what to take. Others really nth and u can just pray to god i guess. 

Though with the disastrous transport, happiest moment to go disneyland and visit the zoo. Worth the SGD 150 entrance fee for disneyland. And the zoo, get to see animals that you will not see in sg. Like Lynx, gazelle, wolf, fox, fossa, wolverine etc. Let me think about going shanghai next. Got disneyland and one animal that I wanted to see. Orca. Maybe next year that is where I will go. 😊

Europe Week 4

Was in Milan this week. Went to verona and lugano while in Milan. Both places are worth to go. 

There is market at Verona and nice fountain there. Cant remember where the market was but bought some cute pinocchio souveniors from there. Nth much to buy at verona but a nice place to take some photos. Especially the fountain, structure and bridges. The place is more of flower garden city type. Florence has more things to buy for me like central market and bazaar etc. 

Lugano ex place for food and everything. Bought a swiss made watch for my mum here. View is fantastic. The lake view and all. Could have swim in the lake for next time if i come. They have nice cute pedal boat and boat with slides that can slide into the lake. Recommended for new travel to lugano to have a few days there. Can visit other lake.

Nice good to have a little hike, take funicular train, swim. Boat ride across the lake etc. Both verona and lugano is a day trip I didnt regret going. 

Plan all the bazaar and market while in milan. Is nice to go to the bazaar. A lot of cheap goods. Clothes etc. Flea market not as much things to see unless you really into 2nd hand. Is very old school items. Shop a lot at milan. Bbt Frankly is quite nice. I ordered matcha latte with pearl and i like that is not very sweet. Is like 20% sweetness only. Didnt manage to eat the nice seafood and mistertea that was recommended. Maybe next time. But this xi er restaurant for buffet lunch is really quite worth it. Can go again. Though drinks separate charge. 

Didnt eat much nice food in milan though. Overall in italy i realize is best not to order gnocchi.  So far nv ate any that is nice. And it stick to the teeth. Can eat other nicer food.

Self cook my own pasta while here. Bought the pasta from supermarket and cook with sauce that i bought previously. The sauce is italy can be bought. A lot of variety. And the truffle items are also nice.

Sick and tired of eating pasta so during my time in milan i think i didnt really eat any pasta. Mostly fast food. There is this old wild west the steak is not bad which i tried. Price reasonable. They have burgers too which seems affordable and looks not bad. Also got this place 100 Montaditos at biococca village which looks good but didnt tried. Next time maybe will try. Bicocca is really good place to shop. Sinsay and ovs are cheap clothes place. 

Other than all the market, bicocca village and Fashion City Outlet San Giuliano have very cheap clothes. Both malls are good place to shop. Be careful of san giuliano though. Bus to return ends quite early and there is only one bus there. So got to take note. 

At bicocca village got go kart to. Around eur 30 to play and got compulsory membership. I didnt play. At central fs which is central bus and train station, there is this cafe napoli which has many variety of coffee and is not bad. Try the pistachio just warning is bitter. Also got this whole stretch of food area mercato centrale milano a lot of food variety and there is free toilet entry which is good. Realize this good place too late. Didnt manage to eat there but did a tour. Got affordable food. 

Europe week 3

Europe week 3, I am at Rome and Venice. Rome is a nice place to take pictures of fountains and structures. It is not very ex and have good place to buy souvenirs while walking to colosseum. There are many places to visit and take pictures. Went to the water city call Vicus Caprarius. Not worth it unless you are very into history or have nth to do. 

Im mostly there to shop for primark and help Dor bought her earrings. Didnt know going to the branded shop still need to q. So annoying and dont like the idea of their tactics to q. Sadly i didnt have time to visit the vatican city. I did ate very nice tiramisu here call two sizes. Highly recommended to eat. 

Visited the Borghiciana Pastificio Artigianale and ate their agrumi pasta which is nice and unique. Is like carbonara with lemon. Refreshing, light and is not salty. Only con about this pasta is there is no meat. Would be good if can add bacon. I was q-ing for this restaurant late at night. There was a guy in front of me also doing the same. He also alone on his trip then the restaurant owner sort of insist us to eat together. Trying to matchmade both of us.

He is from sydney. Open gym in sydney with his brother he said. Got 4 brothers. 😲 cant imagine. And coming europe is his first trip overseas and his first trip he already went alone. So brave. He say going overseas from Australia is not very convenient and not to mention ex. I ask if he travel interstate? He say nv. So weird staying in australia already have a lot of place to travel to. He say he is sick of seeing australian. Hahaha and he dont like Americans. Want to go to asia but afraid of being kidnap. 

Make me think about what media did. Asian afraid of going western countries scare to be kidnap. While western afraid to be kidnap in asia. 😆 what irony. 

Went to Venice next. Nice place also. Stayed at a convenient location which allow me to go venezia. The main town. I stay in mestre which is good. Less ex and more night life. 

While in Venice I travelled to Florence and trust me I will nv go there again. Those ppl there just want to chop tourist. I alight by bus. Board another to go to the main town. Bus Conductors came on board and insist to fine me for not validating tickets. No mercy or leniency to tourist. How am I to know that tickets need to be validated? So unfair. I didnt really fight. I just ask for leniency and she refuse. Guarantee the conductor herself earn from this fine. Another family from amercia also got caught. Worse is they didnt even purchase the ticket and the parents were fighting and arguing against the conductors. Failed still and got fined. 

They are really aiming on tourist only. Not recommended to go. Also nth there is really fascinating. Is similar to venice and rome has better things to take photo with. If really want to go, Piazza Santo Spirito Flea Market and central market is a nice place to visit. There is a nice fountain Sistema delle Rampe del Poggi which is very nice. Also one day trip is quite enough. 

In venice venezia, I ate a crepe which is quite nice by pepe. Took a boat ride but mainly is just walk. The boat ride is ex. Eur 9.50. But the gondola is worse at eur 80-100. Shocking. 😆 A boat ride is sufficient for me actually. Think i miss the rialto market cause i walked too much and got too late. But seems like a nice place to visit.

Saint mark Square is a near place to visit. There have water on the ground to play with. Quite fun and fascinating. Then we have all the shops and suso gelato is really nice although have long q. I like that the ice cream cup is a biscuit cup. Only con is that the biscuit cup is soft and not hard. There are very cute coin pouch souvenirs to purchase from there as well. Bought some shaped in a gondola design

Nina and friends have very nice choco and sauce though is quite overpriced. I bought the truffle sauce from there which can be bought another brand with cheaper price. Didnt manage to try the da michele there if got chance go again then try and didnt really have time to visit their local bazaar market. 

Next time if i go rome or venice again have to look into their local bazaar. Time in Rome was too short. Also overall Rome seems like less ex place in italy. 

Europe week 2

Europe week 2 Im at santorini. Sea view everyday calms my heart. Refresh and relief my mental stress. 

Every meal is at a place with sea view. Things are more ex there as it is a touristy place. Bought a necklace which is gifted there which is gold and really very nice which multiple ways of wearing. 

Im fortunate that I am staying at fira. All the buses arrive and depart from Fira. You cant go from red beach to oia. Everywhere you go have to depart from Fira. 

During my days at santorini, I went to the black beach, Oia, white beach etc. The best beach to swim would be Oia. Also there is cliff jumping at Oia beach which I did. 

The moment i hit the water, my butt hurts. Adrenaline rush. I wont mind to do it again. But cause it hurts when hit the water so i would prefer not to. 

Got myself dark that day as I waited in the sun to video for a lady to jump. She told me she was from Perth. But when we nake friends and exchange fb i realize she is from Russia. Not sure why the lie but feels skeptical if you are lying. She ask me out for a meal or drink say she wants to thank me. I told her is ok cause Im leaving. 

I also took a train in santorini. It was worth it. Can enjoy eat and drink on the train see the sea view and mountain without being in the hot sun. Didnt swim at the white beach though so dont know if it is good. Water look not bad. 

These are the more memorable things that happen to me. If I ever come go to santorini again. Rmb have to book hotel with caldera view and best to stay fira. Then can travel around. Also Naussa is not bad for its local food and environment. The ambience is lively at dinner. Aris seafood risotto is really nice. Iriana cafe has very good pancakes and view for sunset also. 

期待

有个人问我，在一段恋情会不会想长久？

我说当然会啊。在一起谁不会希望长久呢？

他说如果想就会有期待

有了期待就会对另一半期望太高

然后就会有失望

他说的也对，没有错。没有期待就不会有失望

但做人要有期望有希望才会活下去不是吗？

感情也一样吧。不想不期待又怎么会长久？

如果期望太高那就要调整包容互相沟通咯

就因为有期待人才会进步吧

就因为有自己，家人，朋友，伴侣，社会的期待，

才让我们成长的吧

如果不相信那注定就会失败，这是我学到的

一定要期待要相信才会成功

就算没成功至少也不会后悔

只要有期待加上不放弃就必然会成功

Europe week 1 Rhodes

During my trip at Rhodes, went to the petting zoo. My travel trip nv change all these years. Animals, water sports, shopping and beaches.

This trip to the zoo was good experience. Able to feed and touch most of the animals there. A recommended experience to go. There are ostriches, goat, wild boars, lemurs, deer, camels, donkeys, ponies. 

When i got into this open enclosure full of goats, 2 of the goats are ramming each other for food. I walk away to avoid caught in fight. Suddenly one goat ram into my leg. Thought it was an accident but wasn't when i caught the goat attack in one of my video. The goat will purposely ram into you for the food. So rowdy. Got a bug bruise on my leg. Luckily wasnt fracture or what. Still able to walk else my vacation will be cut short. Provided the feedback to the zoo. Cant imagine if it happened to a young kid. Definitely hospitalized already.

The staff of the zoo was really kind. The zoo wasnt quite accessible. Need take bus and walk like 10-15 min in. The sun was damn hot also. Ask the staff if there is any bus and he offered to send me to bus stop. He drop me off at bus stop but soon come back again. Told me they are going rodos and can send me back to rodos. Ended up send me all the way back to my hotel. Really nice and friendly. Chatted on the way with him and his friends. 

Went for a fishing trip also. Not I fish but the guide fish. More like a fishing tour kind of thing. Waited for the bus to go there. End up getting late and I took an taxi. Didnt caught any fish. But the trip was not bad. But not really worth for the price. The guide was funny though. 

Was considering parasailing but did before and feel if i do here not very worth it for the price. End up decided to go for a semi submarine cruise. Is a good experience and the view in the submarine is really nice. When they throw food in the water, fishes crowd around. So is like looking in an aquarium but actual is looking into the sea. The sub area is always empty so feels like a private trip to me. Also ppl tend to avoid me. Hahaha maybe cause im the only asian there. This trip also allow me to swim in a cave. Didnt go very deep cause is very dark and scary. When i was snorkelling i saw a flatfish. Seems like there are quite a number of flatfish in that area. Anthony quinn. 

Food wise galazio food is not bad. Ate their crispy chicken bao and their seafood pasta. Both are good. But their communication and service really got to improve. Kastri beach tomato soup is nice. Tried their grilled squid and is disappointing. Not fresh. Though they give me a vanilla soft serve. Free ice cream which is nice. Another recommended food is the Italian pasta call linguine pizzeria. The pasta is fantastic. And the artisan grill. The mixed grill is also fantastic. The meat has the char taste and perfectly marinated. 

Overall rhodes is a nice place to visit. But once is enough for me. Nth much that I will come back for other than food above. Though maybe diving here may see more animals which I didn't. The sea here is really clear and nice. Clean as well so diving maybe good.

Europe day 1-2

My yolo Europe trip.

Yesterday was my first day here. Long hours of flight. Sit until my backside hurt. Landed in Rhodes and took a bus to hotel. Long bus journey another 1 hour. Saving cost while on this trip to make sure I don't over budget.

Today went shopping. Bought 2 shorts and a top for myself. Bought a dress and umbrella for Ashley. So hot the weather that I got to buy cold coffee twice. Tomorrow going to bring cold water out in my thermal.

Stay at galazio. Disappointed with the room. What sea view. Totally no view. Garden view have la. Sea blocked by restaurant in front. Bad review. While travelling, feel that the ppl here aren't friendly. Maybe is the way they talk. The tone and all quite rude. Like the staff at galazio. Hopefully next few days can swim. 

So far I feel is quite safe here is Rhodes. Today lunch I ate pita. Share the table with a guy. Saw that tomato sauce bottle on the table. Without thinking I just took it and use on my pita and put on my plate. 

The guy kept looking at me. But didn't say anything. After that he left and took the sauce back to counter. Where the counter staff just kept it. I was thinking why the guy don't just leave it there. After a while then I remembered. Ppl have been saying there is no free sauce in Europe. Maybe the guy did paid for that sauce. Which is why he kept looking at me. Anyway use already use. Hahaha. Can't puke back also and the guy also didn't say anything. So..... Act blur. 😂

Friends or Lovers

Can friends become lovers or lovers become friends? A question that has been asked a lot. For me is very clear between friends and lovers but for some ppl there is no friends of opposite gender. 

Friends are friends. Not everybody is suitable to be lovers together. So it is almost impossible to change from friends to lovers especially when u are friends for so long. The views between both, the ability to talk and chat easily and for everything is necessary. Imagine being in a relationship that you can't even trust your partner to be open minded to talk and communicate. How long can the relationship last?

There are a lot of ppl that I met which make me see a lot of perspectives at the same time make me see things that matter and things that don't. 

Also it is clear what are the important things in life and what is essential to find when u are in a relationship. Being together finance is really an important matter. Not just to the family and it is a responsibility for yourself. One have to know how to manage their money properly. One don't depends on the other. Money give the individual confident and provide a security and a balanced base for the relationship. 

Even if you are alone, you also need to manage your money properly. Ensure you don't overspend. In a relationship one may spend more but also needs to accommodate each other within the limit you can accept. 

If you can't manage your money properly, there is only one person to blame which is yourself because you spend beyond your means and your capability to earn more money. Being together is not pulling each other down but encourage each other, praising each other. Not criticizing each other to feel better for themselves. 

To be in a relationship, it is important to be confident of yourself and believe in your partner's judgement. Optimism is also another important point and the need to be open minded to accept having different views with your partner. Seeing and understanding from different point of view. Although one may not accept but at the least can understand and in turn accommodate each other. One does not push their belief and comments on the other. And even more does not need to advice when the other party is not asking for it. 

The only needed is to empathize and comfort. No matter lovers or friends, empathize and comfort is what is needed when someone open their heart out to you. One does not penalize or judge the other for opening their heart. Penalizing and judging will only result in the party not saying any longer.

It is really important to communicate, communicate and communicate. If your partner can't understand then explain in a another way that can. Also boundaries is important. Ensuring you do not cross your partner's boundaries and push their limit to verge of the cliff. Being honest and open with feelings and being able to be transparent to share everything is essential to build a strong connection and a sustainable relationship 

New meetings

Met up with someone new. Nice to chat with. Feels like same cliche kind. Been talking for a while. See how it goes. 

Today Ashley's family day. Had a great time playing with both her daddy and mummy. So tired today. Recently been annoyed by my work. Can't wait to leave. My boss is like giving me penalty for everything. So annoying. I don't feel like replying her.

Past few days have been busy. Meeting friends for lunch, dinner, chit chat etc. Feel like going adventure cove next Thurs. See how. 

Weekend

Fri I met Jessica for dinner. We had a good chat. Talking about how her friend kept finding excuses to stay in relationship. How her friend recently considering divorce etc etc. Recently I had a thought. What is 过客? Someone who is in your life and left? So even if u are in marriage but once divorce and the person left your life is he/she consider a 过客 then? Someone who doesn't stay with you all the time until death is 过客? Anyway just some thoughts

Sat I met Eileen. We chit chat a lot. I told her about my doubts and concern. She told me why think so much? I'm too afraid of being used by ppl. But honestly who doesn't use who? Even friends. You meet them up to pass time not? Which I agreed. Of course on top of having similarities in personality and values, yes as human we make use of each other cause we are social but until what extend and limit is the key. 

Sometimes as we grow up, we met with more and more materialistic things. We worry more and more about being used. We get more and more calculative and set our guards up higher with even the people closest to us and cause hurt to them as well as ourselves. That why I miss the times when life can be simple.

Sun I bring my daughter out to play. Is so hot. But as long as she is happy everything is worth it. Spend a lot to let her rides at the carnival. Play darts etc. As long as I can provide I will. 

Meeting new people

Met someone new yesterday. Catch a movie together. Movie was quite late. Ate sushi and played some arcade games to pass time. He is quite a gentleman. Can say his mum did taught him well. 

Told me some of his relationship matters and his dad. Find some similarities with his dad and mine. Both are jerks. We didn't do anything for my dad to be grateful about. But his did. I wonder if they do have guilt. Maybe guilt is the reason he disrupted the mum sentimental area? 

Different people display their emotions differently when they are upset, angry, disappointed and guilty etc. Some don't even show happiness on their face. Not everyone display or know how to display their emotions and thinking properly. 

I realized ego and hatred usually stands in the way of communication. Ego u can't say what u want. U hide your feelings. U say things that u don't mean. Hatred u become self centered. U lost sight of being empathy and understanding to the other party. Because hate crowd your mind. No matter what decision he/she did u choose to treat it negatively. 

Being able to put down ego and hatred is like a learning process. To be better self and to be communicate better.

Belief and 3 views

After I met T I have been thinking about things. Perspective from his side. Considering the factors and relationship. No matter how I see things to me are still excuses.

Relationship don't have right or wrong. Relationship definitely have right or wrong. Legally right or wrong, Ethically right or wrong. Verbal abuse, physical abuse what you mean don't have right or wrong? The victim 是活该被打还是活该被虐？ 

Cheating no right or wrong. Cheating is ethically wrong. You want to be in a relationship, u stay loyal, if u can't no matter what reason, u communicate. You communicate until the thing could be resolve and you are united with your partner once again, if end up can't unite together, simple can accept u accept and compromise that differences in belief, cannot accept u leave. There is no excuse because your partner don't see eye to eye with u so u can cheat? Ur partner stay loyal to u as well. Is not an excuse for you to stay unfaithful. Be a person and do the right thing. Your partner doesn't deserve a unfaithful companion and u don't deserve a loyal partner. Cheating is ok. Ppl make mistakes. But not saying and continue doing this mistake is the most coward way of dealing with things. U don't face your issue with your partner head on and resolve things. If you have kids, ask yourself will you want your kids to find a cheating partner like yourself? Don't give excuse and say u stay because of your kids. Sure u can don't divorce until your kids grow up, but u still have to tell your partner and discuss this plan with him/her. Kids are smart. 纸是抱不住火的. The day your kids found out you are cheating, acting to be happy family will be the day u ruin their life three views. Everything they believe in will crash in that moment of truth. 

If my friend tell me he cheat, I will not hesitate to scold him/her. I will not hesitate to guide him/her to the right path. If he/she don't see eye to eye with me is fine, can leave. No matter how long friendship, if we don't have same beliefs, is ok. I treat u as a friend which is why I have to guide you correctly. My loyalty is with u which is the reason why Im telling u what u did is wrong. I will give you a chance to make it right. If you can't and refuse, we fight and quarrel no issue. If still can't resolve then is ok we don't have to be friends. 又不是缺朋友，干嘛要跟不适合的磨损自己的价值观和自内消耗? If your friend can change your 3 view even worse, what kind of person are you? So easily influenced and swayed. We all are grown up and we can think for ourselves. If you aren't my friend or someone close to me, I don't even bothered explaining to u, if I know you, I will just go up to your partner and inform him/her u cheated. Because you  to me is not important. I value our relationship which is why I have to say.

Lastly being hang by your partner. If not interested say not interested, what is the meaning of hanging and neglecting him/her? This is also ethically wrong. What? Your partner deserve to be neglected by you? Relationship is a 2 way thing. If you can't be in a proper relationship, be committed, stay loyal, communicate, be responsible, then my advice is don't be in one. Everybody is mature enough to deal with their own actions and make their own decisions. If you are still considering this person or can be easily sway by another opinion, then the answer is simple, don't be in a relationship until you are sure. When u are sure, u stay committed to work things out, when it doesn't work out, then it doesn't. Move on. If you are seeing this as a test to your partner and see if he/she can stay beside you through thick and thin, don't do that. Because he/she has not experience things together with u, he/she don't have the reason to stay beside you. Both have to experience things together to know if is the right one. Also love need to be 培养. At the start no matter how much u love the other party, you still need to continue to maintain that love to build it stronger together. That is how people last forever and not testing the love to see how strong it is. What u trying to prove that love can't last? 爱是经得起考验而且是需要一起经得起. If you give up or doesn't make that effort to maintain that love then there is no one to blame but yourself. 

Being wrong doesn't care what age u are in. If it is wrong we correct, we guide. When your kid is wrong, we guide them the right path. When your parents is wrong, same thing we correct and guide them. They are parents but that doesn't mean they can do the wrong thing. They learn as well. When your friend is wrong we correct and guide them. We all make decisions and be responsible for our own decisions. We all make mistakes and be responsible for them. We admit mistake, we make up to it, we move on. 

Weekend

Last friday suddenly feel like going yishun dam.

I went to watch little mermaid. Sebastian is so cute in the show and so funny like the cartoon. The movie was well made and is exactly like the cartoon version except the animal. I didnt expect Sebastian to be a crab and Flounder to be so thin. Hahaha. Also didnt expect scurry not to be a seagull. I always thought Scurry was a seagull. 

Before the movie I ate kimchi soup. While carrying the soup I was distracted, spill the boiling soup over my thigh. Damn painful. Luckily I have already reach the table, else will be worse if I have to react to the pain while holding the soup. Quickly put it on the table before I lost control of the soup due to the pain. Have to rush for the movie, so I didnt actually attend much to the wound. Just try to air it while eating the noodles. 

After eating, make a quick trip to the toilet, wash the wound slightly then rush for the movie. After the movie then I went to toilet to take closer look. The scar is already there. red patch on my thigh. This is the second time I scald myself. The first time was worse because it was burning oil. My whole hand couldnt even move. The moment it drop on my hand, I think my hand didnt know how to even react. It took like few mins for the pain to kick in.

After the movie, I went to yishun dam. Eileen rush over after appointment to accompany. So touching. She really can understand emotions and she able to empathize very well. She ask me if I'm emo. Hahaha. Which I am. Needed time to walk. Took a long walk alone before she join me. By the time she join me, Im already alright. We chat and she had a quarrel with her fiance started from a mistrust. I talk to her about things she has to note and pointed out things she can improve on or try. We end up having a last min staycay at clark quay. Slept at almost 4am that night. Luckily didnt have any early plans next day. 

Next day we woke up is already lunch time. We had vietnam food and cab to bishan. She bought KFC to appease her fiance then I went to see Ashley. Wish I had more time for her. As usual, his attitude just make me angry. Ask him about the teacher parent conference. He told me I didnt ask him for the link. WTF. That day he told me about the timing I said ok. Furthermore I say u send me the details. He didnt send for whatever selfish reasons and he has the cheek to say I didnt ask for it. I just said you dont know what is call collaboration? You got the link and you cant send? I cant be bothered to argue with him since is already past, I just say tell me everything the teacher say in detail. He told me oh in summary Ashley need to manage her emotions more. 

Im so annoyed. I dont know what is his point. Is always difficult to communicate with him when he couldnt be more objective and put his personal emotions aside. End of the day, I just try to be patient because I want to know Ashley's performance. The rest are not my concerns. Learn to be objective is what I need to do when communicate with him. Cant let his emotions affect me and make me lose what is important. I already lost too much.

We went to ECP. Ashley rode her bicycle. She is getting good with her bicycle and since she is growing taller fast, the bike is almost just nice height for her. But the bicycle tire no air. So a bit difficult to ride. We were riding around looking for the ice cream uncle as Sam promised to give her ice cream. She skate a bit on the skateboard. Then Sam carry her on shoulder most of the time back. She was lazy to walk or ride. 

Dinner we ate at the hawker. Sam bought food I bought drinks. He bought chicken wings, sotong and veg. I know the sotong is buy for me cause I like to eat de. After Ashley ate her chicken rice, she play some sand jump around doing some counting on the log. Then went to nai nai house shower. Sam send me back home. By the time I reach home, Ashley already fell asleep in the car. Didnt manage to say bye to her or kiss her. 

Luckily didnt arrange any sunday morning activity. Met up with Z had lunch and volunteer at acres. This time they send me to help out the aviary. Feeding the baby birds. They are so cute, I thought they will keep eating as long as you feed them. Then I realize they doesnt. They will stop opening their mouth when full except one baby Mynah. So fat already still keep eating. LOL. But one thing for sure, once they not hungry, they dont chirp. Else they very noisy. Then there is this one bird who was already release to the wild. But still hanging around refusing to go. Damn funny. 

Then got one owl, heard that when it was here, weigh 100g until now still weigh 100g. Hahaha. The owl dont like to eat. Saw the staff force feeding it. It just keep struggling then refuse to open its beak. Got to force it open to feed it. But at the least it didnt spit out. It was really fun experience volunteering there. So dont mind to continue. For Z, he was task to clear the tortoise poop. Then 80% for the time he was cutting grass. I think he did it too slowly. The staff say he got to fill up the basket. He didnt even fill half while at it. LOL. So cant handle other things. He complaining about too boring how he need to bend his waist to go cut the grass etc. 

Sometimes I really wonder his motive of volunteering. You volunteer to help out. Why does it matter what you help out with? After the volunteer, we ate dinner and sing K. He is like my sing K partner. Last time I also call him to sing K. This time also. He got a list of sing K songs that he pick from. Damn funny. 

This weekend was therapeutic. At the least kept myself busying and distracted so I dont have to think about the sad things. Z say I was a texter can reply him very fast whenever he text. I also think to myself. Hahaha. I am really a texter. like to text a lot. But also because my this job is too free. Too difficult to pass time so I like to text. If is not for this job, I probably wont reply text that quickly also. His explanation about text give me a different perspective also. Some people are just not the same I guess.

Happy

Originally from yesterday night till today I'm feeling sad. But now I feel happy. While walking to bus stop, it starts to drizzle. When I reach mrt, it started to pour heavily. I didn't have an umbrella and there are people who were stuck at the traffic light just like me. Waited past two green light. Was wondering if I should dash across on the 3rd. 

Just then there is this aunty who place an umbrella on the share umbrella rack. I saw she left and took the umbrella. Share it with another lady I saw that was stuck with me. Cross the road together and place it back on the rack on opp side. 

Feels happy when I see kindness being spread around. Even though is a small gesture, it warms my heart and brighten up my day today. Thank you. 😊

Been staying in sembawang for a few months. I feel the residence here are really very warm and kind. This is not the first time I have been treated with kind gesture staying here. People will wait for u at the lift. People will share their umbrella with others in need. They will talk to you and inform you to be careful with covid which is happening at our block. 

Today have planned out my iternary. Go watch little mermaid. Then later can to yishun dam. Nua a bit then go home. 

Bali trip

Finally I have a trip with my cousins to Bali. Last time we went on a trip together was when I was less than 10yo we went hk. You nv know when you won't get the chance to accompany your family and friends again. 

So I cherish every moment and chance I get to do it now. Build as much memories as possible to take with me. Time is precious and limited. Therefore only leave for people important and worth to me. 

This Bali trip is fun. Had a lot of first time experience. My room mate is WL and I had a whisky coke every single day cause is cheap. We try to teach WL swimming. She is quite fast learner. Guess our family genes are still good. Did surfing for the 1st time. We did it very slowly. Very tiring. Requires a lot of stamina. But worth it for the experience. Slept through that night.

Another 1st time experience was the big swing. Been so long since I'm on a swing. Damn shiok. Though is short moment but fun. Another one is cycle on a zip line. I cycle with HQ. We did the couple cycling. Wanted to try the flying fox. But is seems very meh. Straight line. Instead of downward. Not worth the price.

We Went to seed eatery, a Thai restaurant recommended by Maria. Really nice and we were so lucky. We manage to get seats and that day was the last day they open before they moved. 

Penny lane was not bad also. A cafe. Most of the days we ate breakfast and was too full all the way until dinner. One of the day we went jimbaran for sunset. The sunset there is as beautiful as usual. Seriously won't mind to go there just to watch the sunset. While ordering food, sadly, me and yq miss half the sunset. Timing wasn't exact. Food at Hatiku was nice also. Their garlic butter prawn was delicious. But we really doubt is garlic butter. Then the clam in padang sauce was also excellent. Only the salted egg sotong was meh. For the view and price is ok.

Went to finns club also. Is an atas place. Need min spending probably for the nice seats. Is really a very happening club. Next time got chance can go again with the right people.

My most happy purchase is polo dress. The dress that I have been eyeing for years. Always didn't buy due to the cost and size. Used to be so skinny. Can't fit. Even their smallest size is too big for me. This time I try and is fitting. Though sizing feels weird I just bought the blue that feels sitting. Bought one for Ashley too. We can have mother daughter dress.

Just back from Bali and I'm looking forward for my next trip. In less than 2 months I will be in Europe. Can't wait to be there. This time alone. When I was in Bali I will miss Ashley. Today I'm going to see her. Yay. Wonder if she will want to sleep with me tonight. Guess I got to bribe her with chocolate milk tart 😊

Work

Have some unhappiness at work today. Boss ask about the forecast why differ so much. Ask where is the buffer etc. Already told her from start buffer very low. We went through together some more on the items. She was the one who say to provide realistic estimate. Then now come say not enough. She was the one who say she don't foresee got other expenses then end up got other rental. Now come find fault with me. 

Before she place deposit I already emphasize is too tight. I don't think we should put 3 months. She insist. Then now got issue not enough funds. Apr I not around. She use the fund for other rental. Some more didn't inform me. Now not enough then come and jump. Hai. I also nv give face told her straight that I already informed her clearly. 

End of the day did provide some solutions to her and got to follow up on those solutions.

Talk to D earlier this week. She say she got to fork up double for the house. She don't know how much her hub earn but she is confident her hub will pay back. I ask her how long? If plus kids etc loan will only keep rolling. She say is different. I didn't want to say anything. Im worried about her. I hope her hub don't let her down and disappoint her. I don't want see her going the same path. As much as I want to insist her hub pay for fee with whatever stock fund he has. But is her choice anyway. 

She said don't calculate all these things as a family. Is not wrong to say that. And she said she still has her si fang qian. I really hope she is not her hub Quan he li bi de choice. Somehow I can feel a bit of a ji suan. 6th sense. 

本该开心的

本该开心的日子，我却突然看着我的博客难过。

我读着自己写过的事，明明自己已经这么伤心

明明这么的失望，为何没勇气放弃

我后悔拖了这么久才选择放手

也在想我自己到底怎么熬过来的。

我记得曾经在公干时，不知为何就泪流不止

我记得曾经问过自己为何如此命苦

我不愿相信自己选择错误也不愿清醒

那时的我曾想我一定能坚持忍过

虽然没能更早止损但我始终做到了

我不后悔因为我经历也坚持过我的爱情

所以我没遗憾

这一次我要找珍惜真的爱我的人

找个愿意付出的而我也欣赏的人

找个我也爱的而不是只爱我的人

贪心点找个乐观，有时间，有钱，有爱的人

或许找个我爱的才是对的选择吧

不要再找日久生情的

释怀了

终于看开了也释怀了。some things as long as you have tried your best, there nth you can do anymore. If this is challenge, then you just have to face it. If this is what you have to let go, then let go. My life has always been good. What for want to jeopardize it for unworthy people? People who are mend to stay will stay. People who will mend to be yours will be. People who don't learn will nv learn. 

When an opportunity comes to you, u grab it. If it works, it works, if it doesn't, you know u already tried to grab it. So if it doesn't means is not mend to be. Look on the bright side, you already have a lot more than you needed. If a person doesn't see your worth, there is no point to squeeze yourself into their life. If a person doesn't want to wake up, there is nth you can do to wake him up. They know what you wanted but they didn't see a need to provide. Since they don't see it. Then what's the point for u to be angry? 

The more you got angry, the more they don't see your worth. So just relax and do what u need to. When the time is right, u will get what u wanted. 

Boring

This week so boring. Dance was cancelled this Tues. Rest at home on mon and Tues. Today meet my mum. Tomorrow meet Eileen. Hahaha. Sat so far nua at home. Sun bring Ashley go out. 

The current disadvantage is renting. 3 more years when I'm 35 I will buy a house. Rent out a room. Total freedom for myself. Jiayou cq. Currently got to save up money for my house renovation and furniture etc. Feeling the monetary tight again. One quarter of my life chasing money. Feel so sian. If I didn't get married previously, I'm probably financial free at this point of life. 

Well with the disadvantage of having to stay with my mum. Hai. Life 就是没有十全十美. No matter which choice also has its disadvantages. At the least I'm more free at the moment. Hopefully my mindset can also be more free like I used to be. Don't think too much. Don't worry too much. Sometimes really is better being single than to marry the wrong person. The only thing that cannot affect is mental health.

Happy

Today mood happy though fever since wed. After talking to friends, I finally have closure. Hmm. I should always rmb who I have by my side when I'm down. Feel so fortunate to have them around me.

Yesterday meet uni friends to chat. Counting down to my solo trip. Can't wait. But there is another trip to look forward to. Which is the trip with my cousins. I'm so excited. The last time I went on a Bali trip with my cousins was since young when we went hk. Since then I nv had a chance. Finally got this chance. Need to cherish. 

We also arranging genting trip with uni friends. Hopefully this time round we can do it. Been saying but have not been doing. 😂

Daughter

Being a person can't be too sensible. My daughter is still young. There is no need to teach her to be smart etc at this moment. I only want to guide her how to manage her emotions. She can wilful, can be spoilt. Why not? When she grow up she will slowly see the truth of the world. Just let her grow normally. In time, she will mature, she will learn all she needs to learn. There is no need to rush. 

At her age, she doesn't want to share. So be it. I just have to guide her to see the benefit she gets if she share. If after knowing she still doesn't share, then so be it. Is her decision to make. There are definitely things that adult don't share to. Tell me u share your spouse or partner with another person. 😂 

When you are too sensible, the moment you start to rebel, people say you are childish, you don't know how to think. People say you are too irresponsible. Whereas when a person is always childish, nth is wrong when she throw her temper anyway she like even if it is wrong. It becomes your duty to have to coax her. 

So I want my daughter to have a happy childhood that she don't need to care about money, don't need to care about other people's feelings, don't need to care about being competitive and the need to be smart. Being happy and healthy is all she needs to be.

太懂事的人是不会被珍惜的。大人，小孩都一样

Flirting

Who doesn't have the ability to flirt? Is a choice of whether want a not only and also whether when you are attached you can keep this ability to flirt and remain loyal.

Is not that we are not capable. Is just that we choose not to. There is a difference. So don't tell me what you didn't do. Because loyalty is a given in a relationship. If you can't keep your feelings to yourself and need to have it all presented around, then I will question your ability and capability. So keep your physical or whatever emotional needs to yourself and learn control.

The act

Some people can be actors. I don't know what is the purpose of this. But acting to be nice in front of my family and relatives does not make me change my mind when your actions to me obviously shows otherwise. 

If you really wish to be nice then be nice in front of me. Not telling others and acting as though you care about me. Such actions only make me feel fake. If is reputation you are worried about, don't be. Because people can see your sincere actions rather than words. If you are really sincere and really care, people can see it without you saying or acting to care.

Time shows reality

Part of loving her

Part of loving her is learning to make love to her the way she feel loved,

The way she find pleasure,

The way she likes to be intimate.

When you say she likes something, let it be confirmed by her and not just assumed by your ignorance and ego 

Intimate moments need to be communicated to feel love.

Australia Part 2

Been travelling a while with both Sam and my mum. Guess the trip is too long and taking another mental toll on me. Can't wait for my alone trip to Europe so I can relax myself mentally. 

Quarrel constantly happens between me, my mum and Sam. Im getting more and more annoyed with quarrels. Is like whenever there is quarrel I just feel like keeping my mouth shut and just avoiding. 

End of the day as long as Ashley is happy is my main priority. She has been missing aunty. Today kept asking me where is aunty. When aunty coming back. I really hope she comes back. Though I was a bit worried she doesn't. Even if she doesn't, I also can't do anything. Fingers crossed is the only thing I can do. 

Today is the first time I spend time with Ashley soaking bathtub. She hates bathtub when she was younger and she doesn't know how to appreciate aquarium. Today we went to aquarium and she was so happy looking at jellyfishes etc. Running around. Whereas the one with an angry face was my mum. Can see she was bored to death. Her face brighten up after she gets to go shopping mall to shop for her items. 

Today I was happy soaking bathtub with Ashley and seeing her enjoying aquarium and playing with the newly bought jellyfish that spray water. She was playing in the tub and refusing to come out. Got to coax a few times and extended thrice of her play time before she agrees. Promise to let her play again tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow I can relax myself by soaking in the tub too. Been so long since I last did it. 

My mum drank the wine that she bought and she finish it with Sam. Came into the room with a damn red face. She looks a bit blur and obviously slightly drunk. First time I see her in this state. Nv see her drink that much before. Only she saw me drink too much. And the only times I drink a lot was when I'm with Dor or Joce. Chit chat and drink. Nv have I overdrink before. And when I drink Im the type that talk a lot. 😂 After that I can't sleep cause my head is spinning too much. Either because I didn't drink enough or alcohol just dissipate from my body too fast. 

Australia

At Melbourne currently. 

Supposedly plan this trip at the same time come visit Anna. End up Anna is in Singapore because her mum had heart attack. Luckily surgery is successful. Hope she recover soon.

Yesterday was only the 2nd day we reach Melbourne and Ashley is already feeling bored. She told me mummy I want to go home. 😂 Cause we were at shopping mall the entire day. Supposed to go a mini zoo but end up because of the data sim card we shop whole day at the mall instead. Buying most Ashley biscuits and clothes. The clothes at Kmart were very affordable and is thick winter clothes that I like. Didn't bring enough clothes for the weather so bought some. Kids size for myself. Their sizes are so big. 

Sam bought a lot of gummies vitamin for Ashley. She like. One day eat one so far ok. Hopefully it helps build her immunity. Bought some snacks for her and there are many small packets of healthy snacks for her. Air popcorn, rice crackers etc.

Day 1 I realize I booked the car on the wrong month. I booked Sept 2022. Waste my $1000 got to rebook again. 😭😭😭 We ate at an Argentina restaurant. Is a grill restaurant and is really nice. Pricing was ok. First day not much activity cause Sam was tired. Only went to buy gummies. Then went Coles but some milk and snacks for Ashley. Brought Ashley to the beach to play sand

 Took some photos.

Day 2 the sim card we bought won't working so went back shopping mall to try to get refund. End up can't refund and can't fixed. One of the sim was invalidate which we realized due to we didn't pay for it. It wasn't on the receipt. Luckily the supermarket staff didn't just said we pay now give us a new one and ask her next time check receipt. Then I manage untie my card to the account. Else it was on auto recharge. Which wasted the entire day doing that. But we did have rewards. We went Kmart shop a lot of clothes. 😂 I slept with Ashley at night. Someone's alarm went off at 6.30am and Ashley woke up. Took her bolster. Came over and sleep right on top of me. She is worried I will leave her sleeping in the room and go work or something. 😆 So cute. 

Day 3 today is my mum's birthday. Didn't manage to get a cake for her. Morning we went out late cause slept late and woke up late. Went for a cruise. Didn't get to see the seals. Cause they not around. Just like a boat tour around. Nth much to see. Luckily didn't buy the more expensive tour. Went for the pelican feeding at 12pm but end up didn't see any pelican at all. Surprisedly it became a stingray feeding session. There are stingrays around. Then we bring Ashley to a playground to play before the cruise. She was happy following a jie jie around. Then climb her first tree. More like a bush then a tree actually. 😆 Then afternoon went chocolate factory tour. Win some chocolates. Ashley happy cause get to eat her chocolates. Then we went to see penguin parade. Quite nice. Though both she and Sam were very noisy. Today didn't hear her say I want to go home. Guess she had fun today. Tomorrow will be going to a small farm. Hope she had fun

Believe

在没有伤害到利益的前提下

就算被别人编造是非

相信你的人

自然会相信你

不相信你的人

你百口莫辩

所以不许浪费时间解释

要了解一个人的时候

不要从人口中去了解

而是自己去相处了解为准

Covid

Got covid before my trip. This is the second time I got covid already. Consider lucky or unlucky? Lucky not get during the trip.

Been at home past few days. Starting due to the med super drowsy eat and sleep like a pig. 

Now better couldn't sleep. Drowsy but couldn't sleep. Feeling so bored. Tested negative today. Yay. Tomorrow will be flying off to Melbourne. Long waited holiday since turkey trip in Oct. Last weekend didn't see Ashley at all. Her teacher called to say she fell down. So far update from daddy is she is fine. But she still coughing for so long. Hai. Hope her cough can fully recover soon.

Super hot recently. Even though on fan but still hot can't sleep. Life seems to get back in track and starting to settle to become a constant. Schedule are less packed with time to rest. Though my emotions are still unstable. Just needed some more time to regulate and it shall be fine. Been meeting up with my friends more often and going outdoor. Dance more to maintain fitness. One thing for sure nv change is my laziness. Laziness to go out buy food. 😂 Since young till now always the same. Food can't get me out of the house. Got helper she cook what I just eat. Dont need to think. Now got to think what to order. 

Now got to replan my finances and goals. 4 more years till my own freedom. I feel like one third of my life have been chasing freedom and love. Though there is always money involved and my mum. Im glad my mum is healthy and I'm not worrying about anything else. I met some people from dating app and I'm glad my mum is still young or should I be glad that I'm too optimistic? Every family has their own stories and is really sad to hear sometimes what they have faced. Life goes on no matter what. 

Entire life is about being happy to me. Life and death are parcel of life that we have to deal with. Being sick nowadays is inevitable. Is like a process of life. You grew up, chase love, get married, have kids, grow old, get sick and die. Is just how long u can hold on to life. Which is why I never worry about things that I can't control. Death is inevitable too so I'm sort of prepared. Is just when will it happen. I will probably be devastated but time will heal all wound. A part of that love will never die. I only hope that day don't come too early so that I have more time to accompany my love ones. 

What I can't deal with are sudden death which are out of the normal life. Eg accident, suicide etc. Some say God will test you and give you hardship which you can handle. But it doesn't make sense to me. If people can handle, then what does suicide means? Doesn't it means they can't handle the hardship given? Some say things are fated. But I'm sure you have choices to make. God can't make the choices for everyone else what is our purpose here? Anyway I don't know what to believe at this moment and is ok. We all learn to cherish our love ones as long as they live and even when they die we remember till we die. 

I don't have to be rich, because rich can't make me happy. I just need to be contented with what I have, who I have around me. Im glad that when I'm down, there are still people supporting me. Families supporting me. I nv regretted being born by my mum. Though I can't choose my mum. She taught me what I needed to know. Without her, I won't be who I am today. Though there are something she overreacted and some I don't agree. But she is human after all. And as a human ppl learn and ppl make mistakes. Is her first time as a mum and she makes mistakes. Is my first time as a daughter and I too make mistakes. But no matter what, we still cherish the time we have with each other because time is limited. 

We don't have to spend too much time with each other sometimes. Somehow people who are meant to be will connect no matter how far apart. People who are meant to leave will leave. It may be with trace or without a trace. We just need to spend sufficient time together. We don't control each other lives. We just make sure there is enough guidances and we share experiences. 

I make a lot of mistakes in my life. Pursuing goals that I thought I wanted. People do change and so do I. I will not want to retake life but I will want to remember the mistakes I make and move on with life. That doesn't mean I let go of everything. It just means I reprioritize my goals and I let go of things that I feel not important and focus more on things that are more important to me. I don't give up. I just realign and rework. 

Hai. I don't know what to say about my mum. Smart people know how to avoid topics. I know she is not smart but at least know how to care at the right things. Is like my wound is already there and she so blindly just throw salt at it. What's the point of sending me the articles about his behaviors. We already divorcing. What for look at whose to blame or what his behavior imply? Is it not enough for you that your daughter is already hurting? Why do you have to keep ripping my wound open? Can't you give it a rest?

少说话

不需要解释太多

懂你的人自然会懂

信你的人自然会信

不需要每个人都懂

也不需要每个都信

故意为之的伤害，永远不值得被原谅

自己消化不了伤害就选择离开吧

与其消化完我自己的能量去原谅你

还不如离开放手来的自由

不心疼我的人 我不祈求

不在乎我的人 我不保留

我的时间很重要

我的眼泪也很宝贵

时间只为爱我的人停留

眼泪只为心疼我的人流

关心我的人我加倍付出

心疼我的人我加倍珍惜

曾经愿为你付出一切

如今只求你尽快让我走

Tiger vs lamb

Been in an environment for too long that requires me to be a tiger that I already forgot how to be a lamb. 

If u have someone capable to be your dependent then is actually quite nice to be a lamb. Hahaha.

Tiger at times lamb at times. Perfect combination of both. Too much tiger kills the fun. Too much lamb kills the motivation to improve. 

Which one are you more towards now?

I want to be 50% tiger 50% lamb. Anything that topple this concept means not suitable.

撒娇是察觉会被偏爱的可能

故意胡闹是想看被在乎我的样子

任性就是为了确认自己是被坚定的选择

胡闹因为依赖

而礼貌就是陌生

当我不再要求你哄我

就是我再慢慢放下你的时候

因果和底线

因果

不要介入在别人的因果里

就是不帮他人做确定

你可以一起分析利弊

但不要去引导

一旦故意去引导你也就产生纠缠

纠缠在他结果后的事

所以凡是都让人自己做决定

即使是你不喜欢但还是要允许他做

让他自己活出自己想要的命的过程

有些事是他注定要经历的事情

有些事点到即可

底线

有些底线不能触碰

关系好你愿意哄我疼我那我就愿意妥协看开

但看开不是给你机会再次挑战极限

小孩可以说不懂事慢慢教

大人还要说是自己不懂事还是说不知道吗？

一次次的挑战就是一次次的伤害和不尊重

一次可以说不知道

两次可以说不小心

三次就给你个警告

四次就是故意的

四次后的每一次就是你的故意伤害和不尊重

有的时候错了哄哄就好

但你偏偏要维持自己面子

既然不看重这份感情

我们的感情没你那面子重要

那我也不需要委屈维持

我自称没那本事也没那耐心去维持

不用说谁先离开也不用说是谁的错

因为感情是双向奔赴维持的

我需要你的时候你不想在觉得我烦

那你需要我的时候就别妄想我成全

你做不到给我精神安慰或物理帮助

就不要跟我说生理需求 我不是天使

也没有比一般人强的抵抗能力

不可能疗着自己的负面还要安抚着你的

只要分了就是两方都有的责任

你每次选择逃避冷落时

对你来说可能你赢了我会自动消气

但对我来说是你的不珍惜

而你在放弃我们的以后

你的不心疼我会渐渐清醒看清

所有我说了却被冷漠对待的心结

就在我选择离开时终于放下了

没有对错 我只能说就是不爱了

爱的时候必能继续接受包容妥协

不爱的时候不管做什么都会是错

我不后悔我们的曾经因为爱过

但我也不遗憾我们没有未来

有些事有过就好不必长久

Long holiday

Yesterday was out with my cousins in the morning play badminton then go da jiu mu house chit chat. At night met joce they all for dinner. Walao they late for almost an hour. But suan le. Joce went to gym. Didn't want to discourage her to go.

Joce treat us for dinner. She got promoted and treat us tai er. Then we saw a photo booth. So nostalgic. Went to take a photo together. We squeeze together. Damn funny. The photos wasn't fantastic but is good memory.

Today slept till late. Not really late though. I woke like 7am. 😂 Can't really sleep late nowadays. But only went to Sam place at 1+. Went out to jewel with them. Supposedly to see the light show. End up we miss it. Ashley was enjoying water again and she lost her step and fell in. Hahaha. End up wear my jacket. So damn cute. 

Tomorrow morning going YQ house to sing ktv. Then dinner probably eating with my mum. Got some things to discuss with her. Told her to meet at amk. 

Also got good news. Dor is getting her house. So exciting. She is going to get married soon in Oct. Same for Eileen. She is going to be married in Dec. Soon they will have babies and Ashley will have playdate. 😂 Ivy is also trying for a second. Stay blissful and healthy forever. Now left Joce. I hope her prince charming come faster. 

一点爱

我会想认识新的人

但不想去磨合一切

不想告诉他我的小秘密

不想用精力去重新喜欢一个人

至少现在很累也不想

我只有一点点的爱

但还有一生要过

所以谁对我好

肯给我付出 我就跟谁

只要对我不好 我立马就跑

绝不倒贴

不吃用嘴说的

就看你当下做的

画饼没用

这个不行就下个

有适合的就过

没有就下一个

不许着急 自己也好

心安理得

爱情转移

多抱歉

没能把说过的话都实现

那些我幸福感动的瞬间

积攒的每一页

泪打湿每一叠

厚重的从前多久才能翻篇

后来你遇见的她

一定比我好吧

当初那承诺的话

换了人来回答

希望她是一个

比我还要更爱你的人啊

我现在才发现爱情转移也需要有意愿才可以

要不然怎么转也没用  根本就转不到

所以我们当初在一起也是因为我愿意放下之前的

而现在呢？

今天是我给自己的最后一天了

我要逼自己放下你 

我不愿再等  也不想再有期盼

我也不要在对缘分有所期待

是时候放你走 也放过我自己

我要找个更好的愿意心疼我 不再让我伤心幸苦

Boring

Getting bored already. Everyday counting down to the days I resign and travel. Talk to my ex boss on Tues. She ask me what I want to do in life? I said I don't have a preference in scope. But for money. I will stay wherever pay me the right amount of money I wanted. She say I have to consider with that amount where can I work at? Which position to get that amount? I say my range is not high so every company should be ok to pay that range. Is really not about the scope. I can work and be willing to learn everything. As long as I feel sense of achievement and recognition it is enough for me. Easily contented.

I can't wait to travel. See the world and relax myself. Hopefully come back refreshed and ready to start on a new chapter. New job. Ppl are worried about me travelling alone. But I want to try. Of course I'm worried too. But life is too short to worry about everything. If is a challenge I have to work on then I resolved it. Worrying about things will be nv ending. U got to try to know. Of course I will read and understand things to defend myself better. 

I'm optimistic about my future life. New job, new place, new goals to work on. Living in the present and living for the future. Can't change the past but I can dictate my future which starts from now. 

Though there is still one concerning issue which I'm unsure about. It feels like my criteria is difficult to find and those that fit isn't what I wanted. I have been thinking if I should change those criteria or stick on? Anyway I'm not rushing so why not just take the time to find? But on the other hand I don't have an ending goal so why not just stick to one suitable? But if I anyhow stick to one suitable then I will be wasting time because is not what I want. Then I'm being irresponsible. Hai. 那过剩的责任感和原则.

These two contradicting factors are really making me indecisive. I really want to be greedy and wanted to have both. I can't decide which is more important now. I let go of one I want at the same time couldn't work with one that fit the criteria. But then both have boundaries issues. Nvm. Just keep finding.

Today I just found out something shocking. Though I heard it from Dor but still. I can't take that fact yet. I'm brought up differently. There is no such thing as interview or dating with intimacy. Get to know each other is priority. Now I understand what he meant by don't rmb when is the last time he waited for someone for that matter. 

Sian

Guys always think girls are stupid. I have seen more guys cheating and lying to girls than girls doing that to guys.

 

People who cheat and lied are really pitiful. Usually they are hurt or betrayed themselves and they can't recover from it or they don't know what is love and sincerity or insecurities. There are tons of underlying reasons to lie and it all comes from within themselves. I used to want to revenge on ppl like that. I used to feel angry at them but somehow not anymore. As long as I know the truth is good enough for me. Furthermore, I can't stop them anyway. 

I really don't understand what's really in it to cheat? What do u get from cheating? What do u get from betraying someone's trust and kindness? What do u get from hurting someone? 

Is it that difficult to leave and find another rather than betray and cheat and finding excuses? If u really feel insecure, unloved, then communicate with your partner. If really can't communicate then leave. What is the purpose of just holding on to go through life together without love? End of the day is to just protect your reputation. Because u don't want ppl to think bad about you.

To me is really a coward and avoiding way to resolve things. Because one is too coward to face the issue. They turn to easier ways to resolve. I won't ask a person to be honest anymore. But only ask a person to be responsible. 

People often underestimate others power and overestimate their own importance. Why would you think the other party can't accept the truth? Or why would you think that you hurt them and then they can't recover? Or you want to only lie to protect yourself? 

No matter what lie it is, you may have your reason to lie. But once your lie has been found out, just be brave and face the consequences. Don't find excuses because no matter what excuses, the underlying reason is still yourself. So take that accountability and responsibility to face the consequences of your lie and your decisions.

Lost

😭

I lost my gold necklace. Hai. I knew I will lost it the moment I took it out. Should have put it in the coin compartment. Put in on my wallet thinking I will definitely remember when I take my wallet. End up forget and probably drop it somewhere.

Worse is I lost Dor choker as well. I put in my jacket. Then I think it drop also. Hai. When can I learn to be more careful with things. 

Learning

Being touch starved is also known as touch deprivation or skin hunger and it is more common than you think; to experience little to no touch from other living things.

However, aside from being touch starved, extreme craving for affection, whether physical or emotional, can sometimes indicate an overdependence on other people for ensuring your own wellbeing. It can even indicate love addiction, i.e. attachment dysregulation. 

The first and the most obvious reason why you may crave affection is because you don’t have enough of it in your life. You may crave someone and been lonely for a while, without anybody to provide you with the physical and emotional connection, and intimacy. Many people experienced this during the recent pandemic.

Aside from longing for touch, craving for love and affection can also happen for other reasons. You may actually have people in your life who love and care for you, and you still can’t satisfy your cravings. In this case, your need for affection may represent something deeper. 

People who experience intense love cravings often lacked appropriate affection in their childhood. Unfortunately, these people may go through life feeling as though they do not deserve love, and still desire to be held, loved, and appreciated. This can cause them to seek self-love through other people, trying to heal their wounds and make up for the lack of affection.   

However, love cravings can also arise from attachment dysregulation, or love addiction, involving obsessive behaviors towards other people. It tends to arise from survival patterns developed in childhood or a particularly stressful situation in your life where you had to learn to tolerate feelings of neglect and abandonment. 

If you tend to feel like other people don’t love you enough, fear that they may leave you, or experience anxiety over your relationship, it may be the case that you’re dealing with attachment dysregulation that requires your attention. 

https://www.lovetopivot.com/why-crave-affection-how-stop-love-addiction-retreat/

Shocking news

Today I heard a shocking news from my cousin. I acted out with hatred directly. Acted on my emotions. My cousin didn't tell my mum. I told her not to. I know my mum will react with this news. Because love can't be stopped. I'm afraid she will fell in again and hurt herself. She is soft hearted.

He is back again looking for us or looking for me. I don't hate him anymore. I let go of that hatred just few weeks or few months back. I really have T to thank for this. He said before try to put yourself in other ppl shoes to understand. He also said no matter what your parents did, they are still your parents. A family only need love. No explanation is needed. I know even parents need to learn. Like my mum. But I nv once have thought that he needs it to. I sort of understand what he meant. I kept wondering as well about what he say and what Dor said. 

T says he can feel that I needed love. Dor says I need to learn to self love. Hmm. Maybe both of them are right? But what Dor didn't know is I already learn self love from the start. I have always been selfish. With S, I saw how worthless I meant to him. Which is why I left. I wanted unconditional love. Which I no longer got it from S. I no longer have trust in him. I'm feel like a tool to him. 

I have been doubting my principles as well. Whether is it necessary to uphold them in a family? I feel lies are still a no in the family. But instead of being harsh got to understand why there is lies. With Ashley I learn to see things differently. I don't like compromising because is tiring and things explode eventually. There are still many things to learn. With Ashley I got to be more patient. I got to learn how to control my temper more.

I nv understand my father's actions and honestly I didn't want to. Maybe he has his reasons. But I didn't want to know because no matter what reason he has, he failed as a father and he failed as a husband. Guess I have my mum genes of being too soft hearted.

I said whether he is a millionaire now or a billionaire, I don't really want anything to do with him. But I don't know honestly if I can let go. Can I let go refusing to allow closure for myself? I will leave it to fate I guess. If he manage to find me. If he is sincere they are many ways which will guarantee he will find me. I will choose to believe him then.

I'm still contemplating if I should tell my mum about it? I feel I can't take away her right to know. The decision is hers. If he change all is good. But what if he really have a desperate reason to find us and that reason is bad? Will I be giving him a chance to hurt my mum again? Logically, he don't have to find us when he is good. If he really want to repent, is easy to put me in his will. If he really is guilty he won't want to find us. He should most likely leave us alone. The only reason he needs to find us is only when he is in a bad state. 

值得

我只挽留我认为值得的人。如果我没有挽留你，那就是你不值得我付出真心。真心只留给真心付出的人。你不想付出，那说明这一段感情对你不重要。我也就没必要在挽留。要失去后才后悔的感情，再次得到也会变得没有意义。

留在你身边是我的选择，而让我离开是你的决定

不要说是我选择离开，而是你没让我留下的理由

在我离开时曾向你伸出手，但你选择视而不见

所以不要埋怨，因为这是你的选择

能开导所有人唯独开导不了自己，大道理都懂，却怎么也想不明白，能原谅所有人但不肯放过自己。

Learn something new today

https://nationallegalservice.co.uk/what-is-reactive-abuse/

让感情走上悬崖的不是缺乏沟通或意见不合，沟通不了还可以在尝试，沟通不到可以找时间，意见不合可以妥协磨合。但是明知道却不愿意去沟通和妥协，不努力维持感情才令感情走上绝路也是最令人心痛和痛苦。感情没法一人维持，一但把另一伴的耐心和忍让消磨完，就会失望离开。

不努力就代表这份感情不重要也不必珍惜。

友情也好，爱情也好，亲情也是

Guilt

做决定的是我，做错了也是我，不说的也是我，假装没事的也是我，假装坚强的也是我，心痛的也是我，愧疚的更加是我。请允许我在时不时刻的想你。

一辈子不忘的错误，也没法去弥补

愧疚的心，再多的对不起，也于事无补

我那时没资格，也不想负责，你可以不理解，但是不能怀疑，你是值得被疼爱的。希望你现在在一个疼爱你的家，开心的活着。有机会我希望能再遇见你，感应是你。不管你在哪，我绝不会忘记曾经有过你。你再难过无助时，希望你能感应到我的温暖。虽然不能拥有你，但我一直都在。

清醒着忧伤真的无比难受，还希望自己做个快乐的傻子

Confused

I just can't think of reasons why. I really don't understand and I don't get it. I don't know why I have to be so stubborn about it. But I just can't help it and I can't seem to let go and is annoying. There are times I feel is ok. Then there are times I feel not ok. Having too much time on hand is really not a good thing. It makes one person worry too much. Overthink too much things and turn negative.

I have a constant reminder beside me nagging me about other things. Yes I know the negativity and I'm ignoring it. I don't know if it is right or wrong. But no matter what, I want to push my limit and see what I can do. I don't want to be concern about things I can't control. I want to keep looking at the positive side. 

Recently negative thoughts and feelings has been returning. They don't seem to go away and is frustrating. Whenever I can't distract myself, they come and frustrate me. But at the least is better at night. At least I can have a good night sleep for last week and this week and this is a big goal for me. I want to maintain this way. Slowly removing all the negativity and people from my life. Though some people are really hard to move.

Don't talk about negative things already. I'm planning my Greece trip. Looks like it is extending longer and further. I will be going Rome, Venice, Milan, Paris. Since I'm there, must as well go further with less price. Not sure when will I ever be going such a far country in future. 

People are worrying about me. I am worried about myself too. But I know if I nv push myself to do it, I will not know what I gain. There are a lot of things to worry about in life. And those worries are things beyond your control. Since is something you can't stop when it comes, then stop worrying to be happy. 😁

This is my fear to push my financial security. Take financial with a pinch of salt. 钱一辈子都赚不完. I will survive no matter what and I see what I gain and enjoy during my trip. I really so desperate to leave now but Im holding myself down. Making sure I don't do things that I will regret. I know even if I leave I won't regret, but I don't like to explain and get nag at by my mum. I talked to her yesterday. She seems ok with me leaving. She say my job is too suspicious to stay. 

I know when I need support I should be able to get from my closed ones. I just don't like to be nagged and maybe ego. I don't like asking for help and needing to see reluctant or black faces. I like to be different. I like to do things differently. But I don't like to be question when I do things differently because some things I can't explain when I don't even know why myself. I just like going with my flow and my feel sometimes. Those feel doesn't have explanation. It's just how it is and I'm learning to take it as it is too. 

So, don't ask me why I'm different. Don't judge or criticize or tell me what to do and say that I will be outcast by society. I'm just different and I think everyone is different too. To me is ok to be different. There is no one same self. I know people just like to group, align together to feel safe to feel secure and that's ok too because is the natural thing to do. Even if nobody understand, is ok. I will slowly find. Find someone who does and I don't need permission or approval from anyone to do that. Because me is me.

如果一个人哭了，两个人都快乐

我宁愿换来三个人好过

终究是一个结果

没有什么或者

Tired. Today got time to rest early. But tomorrow got to wake up early. 😊 But is for a good cause. If u tell me in the past that I will wake up early for this, I will say you are crazy. But here I am waking up early for a good cause. 

Got to remind myself don't pack tight schedule. Need time for myself to rest. Need time to settle my own mental. I know sometimes when I start doing things, I overdo till I'm overtired. So got to keep reminding myself to relax. Even when I need things to distract, I also need to rest and absorb my negativity to be able to see the positivity. Negativity is not a bad thing until you keep avoiding.

So don't get too uptight on things. I deserved to rest at times. I deserved to not think about all the roles I need to be, the responsibility I need to take and only think about just me, myself and I.

Learning

Embrace weakness and improve. 

- impatient

- stubborn

- giving insulting remarks

Got to learn to be more indirect, patient and less stubborn. Avoiding using insulting remarks. Learning to speak with more blunt and encouraging ways. Prioritize and learning to give attention to certain people.

Ignore and avoid conflicts with people who are not worth time. 格局打开，不要跟没必要的人较量。要学会忍气吞声。忍也是一个美德。

Tolerance is the virtue that makes peace possible—Tolerance allows people the liberty and personal freedom of self-determination. Toleration promotes the free exchange of ideas, including criticism and debate of public policy in the interest of the people.

Respect the person as your disagree with their ideas—Criticism—disagreeing with an opinion, idea or behavior—is distinct from insult—an attack on the person’s very being. Care for their humanity as you take offense at their opinions. 

男人喝多了就会想起他最爱的人

女人喝多了就会想起伤她最深的人

所以你不喝酒是为了不想起谁？

Heartache

Of course I will heartache. Of course I will miss her. My heart is not made of stone. But I will tolerate and I do what I think best for her, based on my judgement and experience. 

Of course I know my options and of course I know the concerns. Of course I know what is the norm. But I'm not born from the norm. So.... A lot of people want to know the reason why? Does it matter to you why? Even if I tell you, you may not be in the position to understand and accept. 不在格局里，就不要问

Some people are very funny. They like to think they know it all. They like to give advices. They ask you for reason just to prove their right. But when the truth hit them with a different light, most of the time they couldn't accept. So why ask? People don't talk because you aren't ready to accept the truth. 

一个人的等待很寂寞吧？

那你还要等多久啊？

放手吧

就放手吧 别想她

这世界有很多爱你的人啊

放手吧 别想她

她是否值得你这样牵挂

就放手吧 别想她

爱过就好何必要苦苦挣扎

就放手吧 别想她

把所有一切就当做是一个笑话

缘分已尽，就不必再挣扎

狠心点决定放下放过自己吧

不要再纠纷以前谁的对错，已经不重要了

重要的是活在当下，时间宝贵

回不去是事实，没法从来也是事实

没有人少了谁活不下去

也没有人少了谁就不会再幸福快乐

只要对自己好点还是会幸福快乐

不要觉得遗憾，就算从头再来，结局也不会改变

我们没有早知道，所以能做到的还会是一样的

就是经历过才会学到，下次才会做得很好

其实爱情也好，工作也好

不要再纠结遗憾 未来还会有无限的机会

只有不断学习，把自己过好

机会来的时候，你才能够好好的把握住

所以为了以后不再做出遗憾的事，选择开心的过

才是目前你最需要做的，也最重要的

明白吗？

Sunday

I thought I will be very sleepy and will be able to sleep early today since I last night slept late and exhaust my energy playing with Ashley today.

Should have known better last night not to drink ice lemon tea while eating dinner with Eileen. Always forget lemon tea contains caffeine too. Didn't sleep last night till almost 3am woke up at 7.30am.

Brought Ashley to some event at woodlands stadium. Played her fav bouncy castle. After that still keep requested to go play. I just told her we go ride her new bicycle, next moment heavy rain. No choice. Brought her to t play indoor playground at khatib. She didn't want to sleep during her nap time. End up falling asleep while I drink to khatib. Slept for an hour. 

Couldnt sleep now still. Still thinking of T. About his long term relationship which is similar to mine. And suddenly thought about how I really did my best to hold on to mine. Remembering how I plead with him. To do something for me for the family immediately because I'm losing it here on my own. Sadly the plead fell on death ears. I suddenly rmb how desperate I am trying to hold on the our relationship that I couldn't let go off. 

I knew very well which part of our relationship broke down and was unrepairable. I knew which part broke down for me and which broke for him. And I don't wish for anyone to go through the same thing as me. And apparently most of the relationship I saw were quite similar and I seriously wish them all the best. People do change in a relationship for better or for worse. If they are optimistic and can see strengths better than flaws then it would be so much easier. 

Relationship is it fate or effort? I will say both. The initial maybe fate to let u guys meet and fate for either one or both to fall in love. Head over heel for the other. Willing to sacrifice or invest. U may say this is effort too. But in our era, everyone is selfish. Without the initial connection, it is almost zero. For one to sacrifice or invest for another. But it is also effort for one to break through to the other in one sided relationship and also effort to keep staying together. Else no matter how both love each other, it will still break. Among the relationship I know, I never see anyone which has both fallen in love and usually is one sided love. But effort that make both stay together, get married and have a kid. 

Some ppl thinks is 100% fate to be together and to be able to stay together. if both don't make the effort to make the relationship works, there is no way both can get together even after multiple meetup. Someone has to take the action. Some may debate that it is god who put that idea in your mind. Well I don't believe that. I believe is my own choice. My own choice that I want to approach. My own choice to get in contact. My own choice to stay in contact. My own choice to forgive or break during an argument

Therefore relationship is both fate and choice.

Kindness

I really have to control my temper and expectations with certain ppl. Lose my cool too easily. Got to learn to keep calm. 

I know I only have myself to blame. What am I expecting from a boy not man, a boy who is worse than animal? Even an animal knows how to repay kindness and he knows none. I already know that long time ago but still expecting conscience from an ungrateful brat. Who am I kidding really?

Keep cool Jena. Breathe breathe breathe. Relax and chill. Some ppl are really not worth it. You are a lot better and more generous than this. 不要跟幼稚的小人计较. 不值得.

Life purpose

I'm very happy that I found my purpose in life. I found what I want to do in life. Other than just earning money, getting married, having a kid and retire. 

There are people who keep trying to follow this path. But once they got money and contented then they are lost. They are also people who are never contented and forever wanted to earn more money. Keeping it as much as they can. What is the purpose of money if you don't use it to enjoy? You can't bring along when u die. You can leave it for your next generation but you can't control their future either. If they don't learn how to use it, then they will just still be wasting the money. Some people stressed cause they couldn't find a partner to marry. They lost motivation in life. They start wasting life as it pass because they don't see a purpose or goal to fulfil.

I don't deny money is important. But to me is not the most important. Money can't buy extra time of your life. Money don't extend your life. And also often said money can't buy health. Everyone born in this world has limited time. If I live till 100, I'm already at one third of my life. When I'm at half my life, would I still be able to go what I want? Go paragliding, go bungee jumping etc? One will never earn enough money. But time is different. U can't earn time. With the limited time, do I still want to continue waste it not doing things I like to do?  

I will regret if I die knowing my entire life is only about work and chasing money. There are so many beautiful things to see, so many places to explore and go to. So many lives out that to understand which I have not done. I can't change my past but I can plan my future. Even if I can change my past I also won't want to. Because is what shaped me now. I can work my future and decide what future I want and is not only about money and having a family. 

不要跟我女儿比较。你比不赢的。我女儿是我用很大的牺牲生出来的宝。牺牲换来的当然非常珍贵非常珍惜。你又不是我要用牺牲换来的哪能用来比较。

Want but cant

If you care you will want to know every reason behind the answer no. If the person say can't, why can't? She also want to but why she can't? What is holding her back? What is her concern? If you know and understand, you will not push. You will heartache, you will give space, give time, give security. You will not talk about it and constantly put salt on wound. You will not use it as a weapon on her.

If she don't talk, you will be patient. You will give time, you will give security so she can feel comfortable to talk to you. You don't judge when she talk, you don't criticize, you understand and you support. I know is hard to not talk. But you will empathize. You will see beyond the surface what is hurting her, you will calm her, you will comfort her, you will listen, you will accept and support.

If you love, you will care, you will heartache, your actions will show. Your actions maybe clumsy but it will be sweet. Your care will be sincere and not an act, not a task to fulfil. Your care will come from the bottom of your heart. Your care and heartache don't have to be taught. The person can feel. Nobody is stupid. They can feel, they just give you chance, they just act stupid or act blind. 

If you love her, you will not test her limit, you will not test her boundaries. You will respect her boundaries, you will not insist she give in, you will not ask her to prove her love by bending her boundaries. You will not let her feel disappointed or upset. You will not let her feel wronged. You will love her as she love you. 

Love is simple. Pure. Not based on test, not calculative, not repayment. Love is based on security, trust and love is love without reason without weighing pros and cons or investment benefits. 

爱是两方面的

一起提起勇氣

好好呵护彼此

不让谁受委屈

自己苦也愿意

绝不让人欺负

连自己都不行

心疼宠着对方

也保护着对方

Hopes

I know everyone has hopes and expectations and is ok. But I hate when people pin their hopes on me. Please place your own hopes and expectations on yourself and not on others. Don't depend on people for your own life. 

Another thing I hate is rushing into the future. You nv know what is there now and you visualize non reality future. I don't like to disappoint people even if the risk is super low and I don't like paint a nice picture for it to break in the future. It has nth to do with whether I planning to do that. But it has to do with expectations. I don't like people having expectations of me when I already said upfront. 

This is my weakness. I don't make promises which have chances to change. If I make a promise, I must ensure I can do it. I have strict principles and sometimes these principles can really weigh me down. It's annoying. I leave once people start to have expectations when I know I cant do it. If I have said a lot of times and the person still expect, I will leave. Because it means he can't accept. If he cant accept, then don't compromise. Somethings can't be compromise because is causes imbalance. 

As said in my previous post. And it will not be right for me to hold on if I know. Many make decisions and many will not take responsibility for their own decisions. When things go south, that is when guilt tripping will comes in. That is when they will find excuses to pin their decision on others and never because it is a choice that they chose. Is either fate, god or others. Is always easier to pin your decision on others than to take responsibility for it. Because if you do, you can only blame yourself for your mistake. Many don't see mistakes as a learning curve.

The older one is, the harder it is to say I make a mistake due to pride and ego. 人到老学到老 how many people can really understand this? Is not just about open minded to learning. But also open minded to making mistakes while learning. Open minded to accept mistakes made and to improve constantly. Even if you make the similar mistakes, it may looks the same, but there must be some underlying difference which cause you to believe again. 

There are a lot of contradiction in life. I don't deny I often contradict myself as well. Nobody's perfect. When I do, I set boundaries to both so they don't intercept. I don't like leaving things in grey area. If you do, no matter what you do at work, in life, in relationship, it causes confusion to other people. You get stuck and lost because you don't know which direction to go. There is always only one choice. You have to sure with what you want in order for others to see and help. 

你想要的 我却不能夠给妳我全部

我能给的 却又不是你想要拥有的

我们不适合也不想认输

好几次我们抱着彼此都是想要哭

你常解释这样的一切都只是开始

我觉得是所有的一切早就已结束

不想再约束 不要再痛苦

下一次会有更好的情路

I thought I will be devastated since that day. I thought I am hiding my feeling or trying to avoid my feelings. After so many months past, I realize I really no longer have any feelings left. Is not that I'm hiding or avoiding, there is no Pandora box to open. 

I have enough of complaining, I have enough for being upset for you. I have enough of crying for you. I have enough of you.

Since long time ago, my heart died little by little on the days I cried for you. Until I no longer have any expectations from you. The last chance and the last straw I given for u to pull my hand you gave it up yourself. Since then my heart totally died. People ask me if I will ever regret. I touch my heart and I said no. When there is no feeling why would there be regret? There is no regret in marrying, there is no regret in leaving. Surprisingly I felt a relief when I left. I'm happy leaving. 

The bottled feelings rush out and I'm more than happy to be free. Free from your manipulation. Free from guilt tripping. Free from gaslighting, free from compromising, free from giving in, free from trying, free from your lies, free from empty promises, free from your emotional games, free from expectation from you and most importantly free from being depressed and free from trying to uphold people's expectations of me. 

Though I will still reminisce the days we use to have when life is sweeter. The days which we can never get back any more. I don't think there will be any one who can match the same feelings I have with u. The same weigh of feeling given to u, I will never be able to give to someone else. The same effort same contribution, The 100% never again.

Childhood part 2

In my sec school, life is very happening. Not the best life of my life though. But the most enlighten and life changing moments of my life. Things changes during my sec school. During my pri there is this girl who will always bully me. She is an unpleasant girl who likes to bully the weak. I don't really know why she likes to bully people but I scare of her when I was young cause she would hit me. I wasn't strong during my pri school. Therefore people always pick on me. Because of my background because I'm weak and I don't know how to defend myself. 

In my sec school, I'm happy that I am able to avoid her. I heard she wasn't in the same school as me. But the good news don't last. One day I saw her in my school. I think she transferred herself over. Luckily for me, we are not in the same class. There is this guy in class who are always nice to me tell me he love me etc. Talk to me on the phone every night. Ask me to be his gf. When I reciprocate his love, he make use of that to make fun of me. Is ok. Because I make that decision and allow him to hurt me. So I can only blame myself for that. Somehow or rather, he regretted what he did and tried to amend. He became my god brother though also with motive.

Direct after I got myself into another relationship with another guy. Somehow I just hop from one guy to another. Whoever is nice to me I will be with him. My classmates see me as a flirt but I know my conscience is clear. Every relationship I am sincere. But I know most guys I'm with are not sincere. I set very high expectations of my bf during that time. Tiny mistakes and I will flare up. I don't control my temper or my anger at all. I will lash out at them. Most guys who tolerated but still couldn't get what they want will break. Others who stay, I will still broke up with them cause they couldn't meet my expectations. Some guys hated me because of they feel I played them. Some guys wanted to win me so that they can boast to their friends. Some guys broke with their current gf to chase me which I rejected.

One guy lasted longer than the rest. Tolerated my temper and anger. He was sweet and nice though with a motive. I was young and curious. So things happened. Later I found out he was a flirt. While with me, still trying to get laid by other girls. Lying to other girls and trying to manipulate them. I was furious and as I mentioned I hated flirts so I make an act with the other girl to lure him and make him pay. Make a scene to punish him. After that, He apologize tried to coax me and told me I misunderstood him. I believed him though with doubts. I stayed. Soon I found another girl. Broke up with him again. Tried to warn that girl but she refuse to listen. Did my best. He tried to make amend. Ask me out. The girl called while he was out with me. Girl ask him why is he still together with me? He lied in front of me saying that I chase him back. So that is what he has been using to poison the other girl who was too blind to see. Lying that I keep chasing after him and he doesn't love me while doing the same to me. Hahaha. Since then, I broke off any contact with him. He keep coming to my school putting his act on. Waiting at the gate etc which I avoided. Anyone can put an act to prove he love you. But only you know deep down if he is truthful. Then I got another bf and let my bf ward him off.

I been with some guys. But only fall in love with 2. 1 is really pure love been with him a short while. Sweet and nice. Though short, took me 2 years to get over.

Another 1 I know was a bad guy. But I just tried. Broke up with him because he couldn't give me the love I wanted and is the logical thing to do. Soon after him, I was with another guy. Didn't love him. But he was really nice and sincere. He likes to act nice too in front of others. Showing ppl how he is very good to his gf. Though I don't deny he really cares and is nice to me. His act still disgust me. I stay with him because he was the only guy who tolerated my temper and was nice to me. Dote on me. After a while, things changes slightly which I think is normal. There are some signs we aren't meant to be together. But I refuse to accept. Our relationship was happy initially. We compromise a lot, quarreled a lot. Nobody think we are suitable for each other. I ignored. The relationship was long and traumatic. A lot of things happened in between which I don't say here. We got married after 9 years and have a daughter. I know why he stayed with me and the truth always hurts.

It is going to be our 15 years soon in a week later. Sadly our relationship has come to an end. I no longer can stay because there is no love. I tried and I failed. Breaking isn't easy. Cried a lot before I finally decided. Didn't look back since I made the decision. Told myself I will never be in another marriage or have another kid. He will probably be the only one. 

During my upper sec, things didn't work out well. During my puberty, I changed from being gentle, soft to a tigress. I was very fierce that my friends at that time was shocked. Out of fun, we bullied another girl in class. She was a transfer student. I was a two headed snake. I wanted to make friends with her. But at the same time I can't control my temper and anger and lash out at her like a bully. She knows and she complained. We got into trouble. I know it was a mistake because I been in that situation before. I regretted my actions, apologize to her. I hope it didn't traumatized her. But I know my actions are unforgivable. I left the bully group after as I met my bff and I'm grateful to have her in my life. 

My karma came. Unfortunately I was in the same class as the bully in my pri school. But I was stronger. Didn't allow her to step all over me this time. She gang up the entire class against me. Ppl side her. I ignore. There were neutral group which includes my god brother. There were me and my bff. 2 against the rest. As long as they don't touch me, I don't react. There were hiccups. But we were also sort of peaceful. Then another girl join our group. Competitive, possessive and toxic. We were friends of 3. But usually one will be closer to another. Is hard to maintain a 3 person group. She will try to be close to my bff. Persuade her and talk bad about me to her. I don't study or nv really focus on my studies. She thinks I'm a bad influence to my bff. I know cause my bff will tell me. I see too much of these in life, I told my bff. I will let u decide. Sooner or later she will ask you to choose 1 of us either stay with her or me. You have a think yourself and see who you wants to be with. I don't deny that I maybe a bad influence cause I don't really study. Is up to her to see things. 

The question came soon enough and she chose me. The other girl don't have a choice but to put her ego down and stick with us. She has no other friends. I didn't confront her and just let her be. She will do things on purpose, revengeful but I just ignore. Got me into some trouble but I just accepted. I don't sincerely make friends with her but I let her stick cause she doesn't have friends and after sec school soon we part ways. I pitied her. Is hard to find a friend for her given her personality. But still wish her the best. Heard her life was quite bad currently. Bad based on our standard. But as long as she is happy with it. 

Because of her intervention, I also started focusing on studies and also is the last year of sec school. I became competitive as well, I chose a career goal for my mum and I think partly also because of her. She is good with poa and she always boast about it. I was good with poa too and I like it. Use it to compete with her. She make me see and choose my goal. So in a way I'm grateful. After I left sec school, I work towards my goal and it became my career. I'm a CPA and have an accounting career which I'm happy with. 

There is nth in life that I would change. Good or bad. Though I sometimes am annoyed with having a good memory. I wish that I could delete or erase the bad side effects from the traumatic ones. But those are also lessons to be learn as well. Who in life don't meet traumatic moments? Who in life aren't scarred or damaged? We just learn to be stronger each time and learn to stay focus, learn to differentiate good and bad, learn to protect ourselves. Despite all, I still prefer to have a kind nature. Still prefer to believe people are kind to start with. Empathize and understand behind a person actions because you will see a lot of things that you couldn't and learn from people's experiences as well.